If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

""So being told how crap you are, how unattractive you are, how much a shit mum you are, how you are lazy, how you are shit shit shit, day in and day out...with much more - you wouldn't upon being followed around the house, being unable to be left to go to sleep without him coming in and waking you up to carry on the insult, you wouldn't at some stage snap???? ""

um yes. actually i would. and i am no abuser.
I think to be honest with you - there is a lot of what we call in the social sciences "transferance" on this thread by you. and im sorry for you as it sounds like you have had a hell of a time Queenie. but im sorry you're wrong. you have taken this out of context and also off another site to score brownie points, which, looking at this subject is fucking sick.

you quote 1 out of 4 women suffer from DV. You are right. But its probably more. Bieng in the profession you claim to be in, i would have thought you would have had some
forethought of those women on MN who are aactually suffering right now and from you hhoicking this up the pages and using it to your advantage. That i feel is despicable. you are using a
very close subject to win an argument. morally wrong and abbhorent. shame. on. you.

But Lissie I didn't want to leave my DH. I adore him. He's my world. We had a big stupid argument and he wouldn't hear my hurt, so I snapped and thumped him.

I didn't thump him for the reasons topknot hit her P. But she can speak for herself.

There was no systematic emotional abuse in our relationship. We were a normal happy couple, who had one big stinking row which I reacted wholly inappropriately to. I can't take back what I did, and it leaves it's scar of course, but I don't mind stating that I feel DH and I have a flipping fantastic marriage. There is still romance, there is still great sex, the load of the DC"s is shared equally. We hang on in there - we cry on each other's shoulders. We think the same things are stupid on TV. It's crazy to suggest we should have split up as a result of my one moment of madness.

Anyway, I think I am just repeating myself now.

Goodnight ladies.

i agree the devil, people NC all the time. but it is also clear that there has been a recent influx of new posters in the last month or so.

Once or twice I fought back and if that makes me 'an abuser' then I'll take that over the doormat that I was for years and years.

You should've been a journalist mate - not a social worker.

McHobbes, she's unlikely to answer you now!

I find this thread absolutely insulting to someone who has been a victim of domestic violence. I was in a violent marriage, not a one-off punch in the face in the heat of an argument, but sustained attacks, broken bones, regular hidings just to put me in my place.

I think there is a world of difference between what McHobbes was describing, and what I went through.

Both me and my dh have (in the early days of our relationship) hit out at each other, but neither of us have felt afraid of the other. There lies the difference. DV is about control and using fear to control. I don't think McHobbes was being controlling, just at the end of her tether. Not saying it's right to lash out at all, but hey, sometimes shit happens.

Mchobbes :D :D :D for the daily mail of course 3)

what a bizarre thing to say to topknob, QG.

two things to say re recent developments. QG you MUST spellcheck if you are about to call someone thick, you just have to. that sentence must be perfect, it's such a hostage to fortune.

and topknob, sorry to say but tbh it does sound quite a bit like you were in an abusive relationship, tbh, and that the psychology of abuse etc etc etc was at play there long before you ever struck out.

i am not backed into a corner. I am totally and fucking utterly astonished that i am having to debate the fact that violance is wrong.

To say that i should be giving lessons in why this is so is just ridiculous.

it is like berating me for not wanting to explain physics to my cat.

if you are too pig shit to know that violance is wrong then i have no reason to spend my time here.
This place has become something i no longer wish to be a part of.

I will be deregged within the next 5 minutes.

before i go i can tell you that i am dyslexic. I am a social worker, my son is autistic and i was punched raped kicked bitten headbut and thrown around daily.

you can use that to create whatever argument you feel suits you. i can no longer waste energy here.

topknob, you really are a charmer, aren't you? Why do you have to be so abusive on this thread? It really isn't pleasant & doesn't help your cause.

It sounds to me you have no idea what we had to endure before it got to that stage that you have done some hitting yourself, yet you don't agree that you/your behaviour is abusive. Your posts on here say different, I'm afraid!

you have no idea what we had to endure before it got to that stage

So tell us, it is a mutually abusive relationship? If so, you leave, you don't get violent back, because that way, you just lose your right to complain about what you are going through!!

you could at least answer Mchobbes.

you have started this about her?

"DV is about control and using fear to control"

not necessarily.

it can be as a result of one or both partners having a bad temper and not knowing how to vent that appropriately. tehre may be no forethought at all on the abuser's part. it can be just a relex action and nothing to do with wanting someone to be afraid. just needing to very suddenly and quickly get rid of this anger.

Clare, I know 3) re: the spellings lol.

But the abuse piece proves that it is not black & white.

It is violEnce Queenie.

QueenGigantaurofMnet // yep... I see the difference and it makes me sick in my stomach just only reading it
Hands up I admit that I am conditioned to think it is not the same story if you change the pronoun

Boo/// You say I was deluded, that is an interesting comment I would like you to expand more if you can.
I did not think he had lost respect it really looked like a silly episode to me. But You are giving me food for thought. We are still good friend and in touch. May ask him next time we meet.

different name: read the thread 8)

Queen, I'm sorry but I've reported your post where you verbally abused assaulted Topknot.

You can't do that mate, you just can't.

And I think Gina's post is excellent, and spot on, and I couldn't articulate it any better so I am leaving the thread.

i've been here five years, Ilove, for the record. and having been her for that length of time, i can tell you that your sorts of 'lotsa new posters on here recently'-type posts begat the shitstorm that was Moldies.

"I am totally and fucking utterly astonished that i am having to debate the fact that violance is wrong."

this is very annoying, QG. can you point me to one poster on MN who has said 'violence is right'?

what we have said, in response to your uncompromising 'if you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you' line is that sometimes violence in a relationshop does not equal abuse. it's not a marriage's proudest moment, perhaps, and something worth apologising for and promising never to do again, but it may not be abuse.

Ohh thanks :D Even if me spelling is shit! LOL! i just can't be arsed to change it (even if I am dyslexic too !)

"He was laughing his head off as I was really pathetic with my silly punches. He loved it because for once the cool cucumber of his loving girlfriend showed some sign jealousy he really thought it was hilarious."

"He is very fond of this memory and it is a story he enjoyed telling friends over dinner now and again. "

"he was well chuffed to see me react"

i may be wrong but what i see is a partner who enjoyed seeing his partner so upset that she resorted to violence. he loved knowing that you were jealous. thought it was hilarious that he could invoke that emotion in you. he made little of your obvious upset by joking about it to friends making you look ridiculous infront of them. instead of realising you were jealous and talking about it, he laughed as you got more worked up and then made a joke out of you to your friends.

that is not respect.

erm... that does sound abusive to me as well, though, val.

sorry, i meant he was abusive towards you some time prior to your loss of control, i mean.