dh and his best friends girlfriend - what shall I do?

[SJ32]

Hi, I think this is going to be a long one but I would really appreciate some advice, if anyone makes it that far!

dh and I have been together for 11 years, married for 6. We have 2 dcs, one pre-school and one school age. He has a best friend who he went to school with who we often hang out with, along with other mutual friends. This guy is also a v close friend of mine.

He got this new girlfriend a couple of years ago. She is a nice girl I think but kind of closed off and hard to get to know. She also acted in a weird, controlling and borderline abusive way to her partner, so for a long time my dh hated her, no-one else was massively keen either but we all tried to make an effort. ((For easiness' sake I'm gonna call dh's best friend C and his gf R)

Anyway, fast forward a bit and dh and her started to become friendlier. So friendly in fact that it seems people have begun to talk. The first I knew of it all was when dh told me (after I overheard a conversation between him and his best friend)that another friend, V had seen them kissing at a party in October, I must add that I was also at this party and saw nothing untoward. It turns out that it wasn't kissing, just possibly inappropriately intimate body-language.

So C has started to get the hump at the way dh and R have been behaving. They do stand and drink together and often will go on somewhere else alone after others have gone home. I'm not usually there as am looking after the dcs at home, dh goes out most friday nights til about 2-3am, nearly always with her. I know C feels uncomfortable and excluded but he hasn't talked to me about it.

dh says that C is being paranoid and unreasonable, and that there is nothing going on but that he likes R as a friend does not want to stop hanging out with her. I know they email eachother regularly while they're at work, and he texted her at like, 7.30 on Christmas morning, while the kids were in our room opening their presents (nice ). I actually read the message later that day and it was all rather innocuous but still, 7.30 on Christmas morning!?!

Last week dh told me he was meeting R for a drink after work to talk about the situation with C. I wasn't keen tbh but he was obviously going to go anyway. He was gone about 3 hours, I don't know if C knows they met up.

Anyway, I have been feeling uneasy about this for a while and we have had a few arguments about it. One one occasion I asked how he would feel if I was out drinking all the time with another bloke and he said 'I'd ask myself why you wanted to spend so much time with someone else rather than with me' like implying it was my fault for being a crappy wife or something.

I asked him if he fancied her and he said no but he understands her and likes her a lot. Last night though I am sorry to say I looked at his phone while he was asleep. (I know, I know ). I found an email conversation between them from yesterday where he says 'R - you're in my head a bit, I'm sorry it's not your fault. I know I'm being a twat. Maybe it's best if I stop coming out. If you don't know what I'm talking about then that's for the best'

She then replies something about them meeting up to 'talk' and they vaguely arrange to meet up this weekend. He also says something like 'I care about you and want to keep talking to you and listening to you' whatever that means.

So, it would appear that C was right, their friendship is crossing a line. What do i do about it though, I know it was wrong to look at his phone and he'll probably be really angry. I guess this is why you shouldn't look, even if you find something you can't legitimately say anything!

Also, I can't help feeling slightly responsible as over the last year dh told me a couple of times he wasn't happy with the way our relationship had become kind of functional, with no passion or excitement. He says I don't consider him, and it's true that I probably don't prioritise our relationship like I should, the dcs have always come first I guess.

I know this whole thing sounds really teenage but I promise it's genuine, and I am actually quite a mature 32 year old! dh and i are the first of our peer group to get married and have dcs, everyone else still goes out getting pissed and carrying on like we all did 10 years ago.

I think I'll wait and see what happens this weekend, I don't feel comfortable with them meeting up to discuss how she's 'in his head a bit'. Tbh that sounds like playing with fire! If he does meet her he might lie about it anyway and say he's meeting someone else. Or should I confess to looking and ask him about it? I mean, he hasn't actually done anything with her yet, is it acceptable to have crushes and feelings as long as you don't act on them?

Some perspective would be really helpful, right now I am so confused and I just feel sick and shaky. Thank you for reading.

OP I'm sorry to add to all the negativity but you need to get your head out of the sand.

It is not normal for a married man to go out every Friday until 3 o clock in the morning, getting drunk. However, it is your marriage and if you are happy with this then fine.

But if you do let this go on, do not be surprised when people start gossiping, or you start to have doubts about his behaviour.

As I have said it isn't normal or healthy and the betting is it will all end in tears[most definitely yours].

You need to put your foot down and he needs to start acting like a grown up.

Op- I feel for you I really do.

My advice would be to contact C immediately. Don't bother going through your dh. Tell him that you suspect dh and R of having an affair. If you cannot bring yourself to say that then say that you are not happy with the inappropriate relationship between your dh and R. Lay it on thick about dh being a father and husband and he shouldn't be out with another woman, least of all C's girlfriend. Ask c as a friend exactly what he thinks, he might confide his worries in you or he may say he thinks it is all harmless. Tell him that he is not the husband of R merely the boyfriend and that you feel dh is overstepping the mark with R (both as a father and husband).

tell him that you want R to back off and stop going out alone with your Dh (C may put pressure on R to back off then-so not all the emphasise falls on you iyswim, as R will hopefully tell your dh that c is on to them.) If it is all innocent then what is there to lose? At best the friendship of a woman who can only be termed " a woman of questionable morals".

Next can you speak to another member of the group, alone? tell her what you feel. plant the seed that R is a bitch who is out to wreck youe marriage. Tell her that you are stuck at home whilst your dh and R are out every weekend till lord knows what time. Do not feel embarrassed, the more people know the better armed you are. Hopefully, after confiding in someone they will be on the look out and make it harder for R and your Dh to be alone canoodling.

Finally have it out with Dh tell him that you do not want him to go out with R-any time!

Your original post was telling when he said the bit about he would think that you diidn't want to be with him if you spent the equivelant time with a male friend. Personally I think he was being honest with you. Put your foot down and at the very least make it unpleasant for the 2 of them. Otherwise you may live to regret being so amicable.

Is there someone you can go out with to restore a bit of self esteem and leave him with the kids???? Even if it is for a coffee-your dh doesn't have to know what yiou are doing.

i understand that you may not want to go out but believe me the more "mysterious" you become the more likely you are to get your dh interested in you again.

I feel like slapping the pair of them for you tbh.

Hmm i have read all this thread.

What gets me is the cheekiness of this guy you love so much. You have told him how you feel about his closeness with R and he agrees it does look dodgy.
but where is he tonight??? he is out with her the women who could potentially be ruining your marriage.

You need to sit and think about why he is not giving up seeing this women when he agrees with you about how dodgy it looks and why the fuck you are still with him.

If i was in your shoes i would have rung C by now or got someone to look after hte kids and go and meet up with them without him knowing then just spring up on them, but i would have sat away (if able to out of view) to see what their body language was like and what they were like together and to actually see if mutual friends we actually there tonight too.

IMO i think hes getting his cake and eating it. He is playing you for a fool and hes knows it. I agree with a previous poster that he has met with her tonight to discuss their friendship how to keep things more discreet.

Wake up please.

OP, I feel for you, it must be a shock to have all your worries confirmed by practically everyone on here. Excellent advice (except the bits about dressing up to win him back - fuck that for a game of soldiers). Have a nice G&T to soothe your nerves . Now ring up your nearest 24 hour locksmith, get them changed before he rolls up at 3am, and start chucking his stuff out of the window. Don't forget to sing along with Goria Gaynor while you're doing it...

Sorry Gloria, Gloria

I don't think OP will be back anytime soon. At least not until it's all come out in the open ie her H has admitted his feelings for R and inappropriate activity between them.

This could be next week or maybe next year.

I hope she doesn't show him this thread. It will only highlight to him the weak points in his various cover stories and enable him to reinforce the doublespeak as appropriate. He will also be angry with her which will reduce her own assertiveness even more as she tries not to anger him further. And of course he'll say we're all 'crazy'.

OP just in case you are reading this, your H should be at home dicussing the marital issues you have only tentatively touched on in the past, rather than out with R discussing their relationship.

And that goes for Friday night, Sunday afternoon, whatever.

Also please remember that everyone on this thread has posted because they empathise with you and desperately want to help before you get hurt even more badly than you have already. Many of us because we have been involved with (very believable) lying/cheating partners in the past ourselves and know how these events tend to play out. You might think your relationship is 'different' but in all honesty apart from names and places this is likely to follow a well established script.

She will be after she shown him this just to tell we all wrong, man hating ect, as per every DH/P say when their partner show them their thread as per every otherman who been caught out.

Bloke perspective - cannot believe what I am reading. I have never heard of someone being able to control a situation or people on this scale. This is truly remarkable. He is clearly very talented - genius......

SJ you are very loyal - but this situation is truly unbelievable.

He's no genius. He's just got a patient and trusting wife, who's also in denial.

"mate, I'll be coming along to your little tête-à-tête on Sunday"

"who's going to look after the kids?"

"AnyFucker"

"you're going to just let any fucker take our kids!?!"

"no, don't worry, AnyFucker is a woman on the Internet who swears a lot and tells women their husbands are shit. She's the perfect stranger to help us out"

:o :o

SJ

What is the purpose of all these meetings?

What on earth does he have to discuss with her tomorrow?

Even if you accept his version of events, the way forward is to quit all this bullshit, not have meetings to discuss it.

It's so embarrassing and juvenile.

He isn't even able to conduct adult friendships, never mind a marriage.

If you believe his story, you must insist that he not drag the arse out of thus teenage psychodrama by having little chats with all involved.

This is what you say:

"This bullshite is over. There will be no meetings to further discuss it. The priority here is our marriage, not your relationships with your drinking buddies.

From now on Friday nights will be spent together, at home or out (but not always at the pub). R is not your friend or mine. You don't need to break up with her, you owe her nothing, she'll get the message eventually."

If he insists on putting his drinking pals ahead of his family, you'll know what you need to do.

Agree with Spidookly. R is not owed an explanation. If she's not his girlfriend, he doesn't need to go and break up with her. Just freeze her out. You lose her friendship. So what?

But... but.... how can you ignore all the signs that although your husband probably does still love you, he isn't showing you the respect you deserve? He's going out and leaving you every friday night til 2 or 3am to go out with another woman, who is also in a relationship. And from what you've said you're not happy about that and he STILL fucks off out.

If you can't get angry with him for prioritising this woman over YOU get really mad at him for prioritising her over your DC. How much can their daddy be focusing on them if his thoughts are entirely about someone else????????

This woman is in his head- that is what he said for crying out loud! That is how this woman will read the email too, so if that isn't what he meant he should tell her too.

Why bother showing your husband this thread? What will that do? prove that dozens of strangers on the internet have seen through his bullshit but his wife hasn't? Don't matter what anyone else thinks, long as his wife still believes him does it? He wont even listen to his best mate either. Mind you, it's his best mate's missus he's dating.

I think the Husband is chasing R and she likes the attention mayby it want go anywhere but it is still disrespectful to his family and his wife.

Sossigges I agree with you - when I said get all dressed up, it was really for HER OWN SELF-ESTEEM - He's clearly a waste of time, but it's also clear to me that OP is a complete doormat and will continue like this for years until HE dumps her.

OP Please tell yourself you are worth more. I bet you are a lovely person and there'll be lots of men who would love to be with you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

That was a long read. Lots of very good advice.
OP, your dh is a total fuckwit- get rid!

"From now on Friday nights will be spent together, at home or out (but not always at the pub)."

Not sure that this approach will be particularly effective.

I'll have you know, spidookly I have advanced CRB clearance so am as perfectly placed as any fucker to mind their children

I could also have a little word with this fucker

Two birds wih one stone

I'm pretty sure it won't be, but if he's not willing to spend any time socialising with his wife, and insists that he gets to continue living like an adolescent while his wife babysits, then that tells its own story about how much he values her.

The real problem here, as I see it, is that he treats his wife and children as an afterthought and concentrates his emotional and physical energy on maintaining the social life of a single man.

I think if you want to stay married to a manchild like this you need to set ground rules that wouldn't be necessary with a real adult man.

What would you say to him?

I would really like to know why he thinks these little saddo meetings to discuss their ridulous "situation" are necessary.

He sounds like such a loser.

It wouldn't be hard to figure out what to say to him.

All the ammunition is on this thread, right here.

I expect keeping the diatribe of just how many ways he is disrepecting his family down to less than novel-like proportions would be the tricky part

Oh dear.

So, DH paid half of the money so OP could be out of the way have a short break?

Guilt money.

DH met with her again last night.

People are starting to comment and discuss YOUR marriage OP?

He's meeting her again on Sunday. Is this Sunday night? Why? Why not meet her in the day, with YOU?

He had an 'emergency job' so dropped your children off somewhere else?

Oh how caring of him not to wake them by bringing them home again.

Crock.

Of.

Shite.

there is no point to the meetings

There is only one thing he need do - drop them like fucking hot potato

...thats if he wanted to save his marriage

you decide op whether you want to stay or go and work out which it is. yes he is fucking her senseless but what do you want?

Just another point? When they 'go on to another pub' after everyone leaves? does she have OWN house/flat/apartment etc etc???

Maybe hes already shagged her and done it at HER place. or does she live with C?

Is it possible that he is keeping you and C apart because C has already dumped R and they don't want you to know?