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Original poster

Drink with married man~ever acceptable?

158 replies

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:19

Sorry to ask a probably stupid question, but I am recently separated and am not really thinking straight and need to respond to an e mail and need advice!!

I am single at the moment (have been for a year, but XH only just moved out), I have no intention of getting involved with anyone, but recently an old friend (was no chemistry) got in contact and we have exchanged a few e mails about our lives. He's happily married,we talked alot obout his DW who I don't know, and his DC. It was just friendly (although he was flattering about the way I look and he is clearly an attractive man) BUT I am not interested in any other way than friends. He asked me and DC's to stay with his family in the summer. I said it would be lovely to meet them all.

Today I have recieved an email asking to meet up for a drink as he is in the area due to work soon (we live a few hours drive from each other). There has been no recent e mails except for happy Xmas ones, no ongoing communication. I haven't seen him for 20 years, but we were in a group of very good friends at the time.

I am very worried that his DW might not know about the meeting and want to ask, without sounding a bit odd. I did go for a coffee a couple of years ago with a married man and his DW called me and accused me of having an affair.

I don't want to lose a friendship but want to make it clear that I am not willing to meet without his DW knowing. How can I put it in an email without sounding arrogant that I think he might want to jump when he sees me again!!! Should I just say I can't make it, but will see him and his wife another time?? Is it acceptable if it is clear we are friends.....

After the last couple of years of my H's affair, my meeting with a married man and being accused of an affair and being on MN, I'm all a bit......ahhhhhh??!!!

Email along the lines of...
It would be lovely to meet for a drink, as long as DW knows!! :)

???? Advice???

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 19/01/2011 12:21

You don't have to sound arrogant. Just say you're not comfortable meeting married men. It's fair enough. I'm betting his wife doesn't have a clue.

InterestingInMoving · 19/01/2011 12:22

I would not have a coffee with him alone, go and vist with your kids when he is with his dw and kids if you want a friend.

I have an old male friend I got in touch with recently and see from time to time and it is platonic, we are both single though.

Hullygully · 19/01/2011 12:22

Make a joke of it - say what happened last time as if it was hilarious and that you wouldn't want to risk that again ha ha ha type thing.

moneytree · 19/01/2011 12:24

I would reply saying that it sounds lovely and I hope his lovely wife is going to be there too as I cannot wait to meet her!

Then go on to say that you are going to check your diary to confirm your availability.....leave it and see what his response is.

Hope this helps

Eleison · 19/01/2011 12:26

My dh meets with one or two female friends. During one long period he had a regular Friday pizza at lunchtimes with a woman. I didn't know about it and only found out by chance at this woman's wedding: in other words it was utterly harmless, platonic, fine. And it didn't worry me at all. I think it is really sad that such meetings need to be surrounded with anxiety.

On the other hand, if you thin his uderstanding of the meeting might be different from one that you are happy with, you need to make that clear, and you shouldn't feel awkward about asking.

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:28

Yeah I guess I could just say I'm not happy meeting a married man on my own, I just think it would be the end of the friendship....I'm guesssing he would think...."bloody hell, what does she think I am??!"
I guess I have to take that risk though, he could be just looking for an affair I suppose, but it does seem feasible that he is in the area for work.
I would just make my excuses, but he has said to let him know when I am free.....as the work is flexible, in the near future kind of thing.
Damn it, why did he have to do this??? It doesn't look good when I write it down....

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:30

Moneytree, his wife isn't going to be there, they live so far away, he said he was in the area not 'we'.
Eleison~ I know what you mean, I feel like I don't want to make a big thing of it, but my recent experience tells me that is naive Sad

OP posts:
ThwopGoesTheMooncup · 19/01/2011 12:31

Good grief. It's only a drink with a friend. Why does noone think his wife knows? If my DH wanted to meet an old friend, male or female, he would tell me what he was doing and I wouldn't give a toss. Is that unusual?

OP I think it's fine to meet him, talk about your families, surely it will swiftly be clear if he does have other ideas.

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 12:32

You can't avoid ever being alone with married men all your life. What's your gut feeling telling you, about his coffee invite?

MummieHunnie · 19/01/2011 12:33

A guy from school wanted to meet up with me, he had a gf, he said it was just for a catch up in rl as we caught up on fb. Eventually it turned out he had always had a crush on me and wanted to book a room as well as have lunch with me. I never met him.

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:33

Sadly thowp it does seem to be the way MM get a bit on the side!!
I think I just need to ask about his DW knowing and it will make my intentions clear at least!??

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:38

perfumelife I'm not sure about my gut feeling...thats the problem, we haven't really had enouogh communication for me to assess it, he has made it clear he finds me attractive, in the sense of saying a few times that he thinks I look really good (I took it as good for my age thing as we haven't seen each other since our early 20's!!). Think he fancies himself a bit!
My gut feelings are very over sensitive as going through H moving out, and lots of friends divorces around me!!
thwop I'm not assuming his DW doesn't know, just want to ask without sounding like "all men are the same" thing...and like I fancy myself.
mummiehunnie Blimey...... Shock

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 12:40

I say go. If he is after an affair you will be able to tell and therefor saved yourself the cost and embarassment of visiting his home and being pestered.

MummieHunnie · 19/01/2011 12:43

That guy singleandhappy, had been speaking to me for over a year, he got the gf quite soon after leaving his wife, he had the kids and he told me he had come home to find the wife in bed with a man, I felt really sorry for him and supported him and I felt like a fool afterwards that he wanted to cheat on his g/f, made me wonder about his stories...

SylvanianFamily · 19/01/2011 12:54

I would go - same as for a female friend, but choose a venue carefully.

When I meet men, I tend to do it near my work, and pick a place where my work buddies go. Makes the atmosphere matey; at a push, it means I could invite a third person to join us. I find lunch better than coffee, because the 'rules' are clearer for how you behave and how long you stay. Coffee buddies can drag on and in sometimes. I mention up front that I have another engagement in the afternoon, so that I can leave without feeling awkward. I bring up partners and kids within the first half an hour, just so it's clear we're not pretending they don't exist, iyswim.

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:57

mummiehunnie What a pratt!! Some men are just so arrogant. I can't believe he took advantage after all the support you gave him. Grrr
Thanks perfumed I think I will have to just drop in about his DW knowing, see what his response is.....I'm sure if it's all innocent he'll say "yeah -- is fine about it"
I'll have to assume that is the truth, I'll go for a drink and if he's a bit over friendly at least I can scarper and not go and visit the family.

OP posts:
SylvanianFamily · 19/01/2011 13:02

Don't say about dw knowing. I don't know how you could phrase it without humiliating him. Ask him to bring photos of the kids, or sum mat.

it's just so ugly to put that assumption onto two people having coffee. If someone asked me 'does your DH know' - I would immediately back pedal on the arrangment: I'd think they were either asking for permission to make a move, or have a bunny boiler wife who will come to shoot me.

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 13:03

Thanks Sylvanian He did say "go for a beer" coz he will be at work during the day, so it will be an evening thing. However it's not that near me, so I would drive, not drink and say I need to go at a certain time due to babysitter.

I will have a friend 'on call' to text me to check safety etc. I did know him really well for a good few years when we were friends, so know he was a very decent sort of bloke (safety wise) just am all out of kilter in the "are they all the same" thing at the mo!!

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 13:07

Sylvanian I know....do you think I should not ask about the DW knowing?? I'd be mortified if she found out and rang me or something.....the other DW that rang me about meeting her DH (his idea) said that it was how affairs started and was totally unacceptable...

OP posts:
mummery · 19/01/2011 13:21

I'd be a bit concerned that he'd made several comments about how good you look. If you're catching up with an old friend you tell them they're looking well. Or even if they're looking fantastic you tell them the once and not keep repeating it.

What are his plans when he's in your area? If it's a long way from home and he's planning on evening drinks, does that mean he's not planning on returning home on the night you meet?

Agree it's a tricky one.

SylvanianFamily · 19/01/2011 13:23

IME most affairs start at work - so by the other DWs reasoning, female co-workers of her DH should check in with her before going to a meeting, or inadvertently ending up both working late in the office...

Is there anyone else you could get involved in the evening? Like a mutual friend from way back that you haven't seen in a while - to make it a grand evening of reminisce, rather than a potential date?

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 13:25

Mummery He's saying it's to do with work. I guess he is staying somewhere, haven't even gone there!! [paraniod emoticon]

The e mail says this

Hey,

Hows thing???

I gotta do the - trip soon for work and I'm kinda guessing its near your neck of the woods... Will be stopping over so could poss sort stopping near your venue.. Did you fancy meeting up and a beer? let me know and I'll sort out a date that fits...

Laters x .

Not exactly flirty or couldn't be taken the wrong way.....but I have been here before with a bloke that was friendly and turned out he wanted an affair. I am much more
paranoid wary nowadays!!

It's more to do with respect to the DW iyswim, I've been there, wouldn't be happy about not knowing, even if it was innocent.

OP posts:
ThwopGoesTheMooncup · 19/01/2011 13:30

I guess, if I had your concerns, I would go for the drink expecting to be friends. If it became clear that anything else was on the cards for him I would do a runner. You wouldn't want to be friends with him then anyway.

Otherwise by asking in advance you might make things awkward when they never would have been. And I'm with SylvanianFamily, if someone asked me if DH knew we were meeting, I would feel the same. I think I would actually be offended at the implication that I would either need permission, or be dishonest with my DH. JMHO.

talleyrand · 19/01/2011 13:32

Oh FGS go and have coffee with him!

flirting is fun, and lifts the spirits. It doesn't inexorably lead to sex, as if you are imprisoned on some conveyor belt you can't get off.

It doesn't matter whether or not his DW knows or not... it's COFFEE!!

while you're there, no problem if you do ask him, at a natural moment, whether his dw knows where he is. much easier in conversation than by email as if there is a a pre-meeting Terms and Conditions to sign-off. you might also get some impression of whether his answer is truthful.

SylvanianFamily · 19/01/2011 13:32

Could you come back with: "Evenings are quite tricky with childcare (& falling asleep with exhaustion) - but would be great to catch up and hear all about your family and your news - is lunch an option? "

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