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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drink with married man~ever acceptable?

158 replies

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:19

Sorry to ask a probably stupid question, but I am recently separated and am not really thinking straight and need to respond to an e mail and need advice!!

I am single at the moment (have been for a year, but XH only just moved out), I have no intention of getting involved with anyone, but recently an old friend (was no chemistry) got in contact and we have exchanged a few e mails about our lives. He's happily married,we talked alot obout his DW who I don't know, and his DC. It was just friendly (although he was flattering about the way I look and he is clearly an attractive man) BUT I am not interested in any other way than friends. He asked me and DC's to stay with his family in the summer. I said it would be lovely to meet them all.

Today I have recieved an email asking to meet up for a drink as he is in the area due to work soon (we live a few hours drive from each other). There has been no recent e mails except for happy Xmas ones, no ongoing communication. I haven't seen him for 20 years, but we were in a group of very good friends at the time.

I am very worried that his DW might not know about the meeting and want to ask, without sounding a bit odd. I did go for a coffee a couple of years ago with a married man and his DW called me and accused me of having an affair.

I don't want to lose a friendship but want to make it clear that I am not willing to meet without his DW knowing. How can I put it in an email without sounding arrogant that I think he might want to jump when he sees me again!!! Should I just say I can't make it, but will see him and his wife another time?? Is it acceptable if it is clear we are friends.....

After the last couple of years of my H's affair, my meeting with a married man and being accused of an affair and being on MN, I'm all a bit......ahhhhhh??!!!

Email along the lines of...
It would be lovely to meet for a drink, as long as DW knows!! :)

???? Advice???

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 21:40

Shit
I know, it does seem weird now. It was ok up to last e mail I think...

The e mail said

well will be in a few weeks and more than likely a Thursday night... wheres the nearest place to stay town / village wise.. Not good if either driving and ya need a beer!!!
As long as I can make it in an hour in the morning then will be good ...drivin that is :O xx

OHHHHHHH ARE THEY ALLL THE SAME??

Thanks AF, I agree. I KNOW my radar is out of wack....for this reason exactly...I don't WANT ot put myself in a stupid situation where he thinks he is getting anything more than friends. I really did want to meet up with him as friends. He was always a good friend years ago, no chemistry. He invited me to meet his family. I don't think I walked into it. I have to believe that not all men are after an affair??

SLAP SLAP

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 21:42

littlemiss I know......Why oh frigging why??? It could have been ok....Grrrrr

Blimey I am going to have so much "fun" as a single woman again....NOT

OP posts:
nowwearefour · 19/01/2011 21:44

DEFINITELY not all men are after an affair. i have a good platonic friendship with more than two men. no chemistry, no desire for an affair from either side.

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 21:47

Thanks nowwearfour What is your take on the recent email??

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 21:48

now we are four....not.... now wear four!!!! SOrry!

OP posts:
jasper · 19/01/2011 21:54

DO you WANT to meet him, singleandhappy?

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/01/2011 21:57

reading his email though still could technically give him the benefit of the doubt, it's not as overt as you wrote in your post.

ARE there any good B&B/Hotels that you could recommend a short distance from your home?

I get a bad feeling about this, but I've been haunting Relationships too long....

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 21:58

SAH....I get the feeling you are a people-pleaser

Correct me if I am wrong

Just tell the chancer to find his own cosy bed for the night

and you are not free for a drink because he has freaked you out by being too pushy

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/01/2011 21:58

I'm going to be single again in a few weeks and tbh, I'll happily stay that way.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/01/2011 22:03

I now think it's probable that he is after an affair, or at the very least an exploration of whether he wants one. I would back out.

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:08

littlemiss I know it isn't overt in his message, which is confusing but maybe he is fishing to test the water....I really have been reading Relationships too long...

AF I am not a people pleaser. I guess I just wanted it to be ok, but wanted opinions about whether I was being naive, given my fairly recent life events (h's affair, various friends affairs, mm's wife ringing).

If he is after an affair I don't really give a flying fart about him, have absolutely no reservations of telling him to take a long jump off a short pier..... but on the other hand if he wasn't after an affair it would be great to meet up again as we got on really well.

Oh fuck it, he's blown it now, just can't be arsed to meet up and knock him back or go even thinking that I might need to. Angry

OP posts:
jasper · 19/01/2011 22:09

I do not think you can deduce he is angling for an affair from the recent email

But it is clumsy and ungentlemanly

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:10

so...how are you handling it then ?

nowwearefour · 19/01/2011 22:11

i think it is weird and ou should not meet him. stay happy and dont rule out meeting frinds for drinks but i would recommend you dont meet this one.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:11

I think it quite clear he is angling for a bed for the night

make of that what you will

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 22:16

Well, I am glad you said yes to the meet tonight (earlier on that is ) because he has just saved you the pain of spending an exceedingly tiresome, embarrassing week abroad as a guest of him and his cuckolded wife.

He is after an affair. Guarantee it.

nowwearefour · 19/01/2011 22:17

my dh thinks it is prob innocent. but it is clumsy. and you are clearly nervous and wary. just go with your gut instinct.

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:18

Was going to send this.....

Hi
Thanks for your email back. Have had another think about meeting and I really have alot going on in my life at the moment and would rather postpone meeting up until me and the kids can perhaps come down and see you and your family in the summer as you suggested.

OP posts:
jasper · 19/01/2011 22:19

SAH you have not answered my question- do you WANT to meet him? Smile

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:20

perfumed ......week abroad??? when?!! No, he suggested I go and visit and stay with him and his family in the summer in the UK.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:20

Probably more polite than he deserves, but ok

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:21

jasper sorry I thought I had, yes, I did want to meet him, we really got on well when younger. I DO NOT however want an affair or be offered an affair or tell him to P* off.

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:24

AF Was trying not to be too offensive in case I have completely got the wrong end of the stick. He was always very loyal to his girlfriend when we were younger.....

I'm just giving him a bit of the benefit of the doubt in that e mail I suppose. If he isn't after an affair he would still suggest me staying with his family in the summer, although I would make it a day trip now.

Out of interest....What would you say AF ?

OP posts:
jasper · 19/01/2011 22:26

cool .
I would meet him and am slightly taken aback that so many think he is guilty of anything other than being a bit gauche .

But then I love meeting friends from the past - have met several (inc. 3 men ) via Friends Reunited and FB and it has always been a great success and I am ongoing friends with them all.

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 22:26

sorry single, am confusing you with another.

Even so, I bet the invitation isn't so forthcoming after you cancel the drink.

Do you still want to go, just to be sure?

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