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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drink with married man~ever acceptable?

158 replies

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:19

Sorry to ask a probably stupid question, but I am recently separated and am not really thinking straight and need to respond to an e mail and need advice!!

I am single at the moment (have been for a year, but XH only just moved out), I have no intention of getting involved with anyone, but recently an old friend (was no chemistry) got in contact and we have exchanged a few e mails about our lives. He's happily married,we talked alot obout his DW who I don't know, and his DC. It was just friendly (although he was flattering about the way I look and he is clearly an attractive man) BUT I am not interested in any other way than friends. He asked me and DC's to stay with his family in the summer. I said it would be lovely to meet them all.

Today I have recieved an email asking to meet up for a drink as he is in the area due to work soon (we live a few hours drive from each other). There has been no recent e mails except for happy Xmas ones, no ongoing communication. I haven't seen him for 20 years, but we were in a group of very good friends at the time.

I am very worried that his DW might not know about the meeting and want to ask, without sounding a bit odd. I did go for a coffee a couple of years ago with a married man and his DW called me and accused me of having an affair.

I don't want to lose a friendship but want to make it clear that I am not willing to meet without his DW knowing. How can I put it in an email without sounding arrogant that I think he might want to jump when he sees me again!!! Should I just say I can't make it, but will see him and his wife another time?? Is it acceptable if it is clear we are friends.....

After the last couple of years of my H's affair, my meeting with a married man and being accused of an affair and being on MN, I'm all a bit......ahhhhhh??!!!

Email along the lines of...
It would be lovely to meet for a drink, as long as DW knows!! :)

???? Advice???

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:10

ah yes, "cyberchums"

I like that, I hope it implies you can be honest with each other and not take the 'ump

jasper · 19/01/2011 23:14

I think it is funny that , somewhere out there is a man, who , if he stumbled across this thread would either think

a) SHIT I've been rumbled
or

b)WTF with these paranoid suspicious women?

either way,
Biscuit

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:16

No, I wouldn't care which way he took it either

Since he obviously didn't care which way I took that blatantly-fishing 2nd email

jasper · 19/01/2011 23:17

can we spread the concept of cyberchums throughout mumsnet ?

our motto is "WE may disagree but we NEVER take the 'ump"

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:21

good idea, jasper

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2011 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:23

nah, tsc, me old cyberchum

jasper · 19/01/2011 23:25

share the love Wink

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2011 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jasper · 19/01/2011 23:31

In a twist to this story (not to make any points, just to digress and because I can't sleep ) I was contacted by an old school chum (male )via FR some years ago .

He was going to be in our area and I sent a gushing email telling him to come and stay overnight with us.

DH was furious! It caused a massive row.
DH claimed he could have become a sex pest or axe murderer or ANYTHING in the 20 years or so since we had last met.

I suggested DH was being extremely unreasonable .He would not back down.

Friend came to stay. We all had a wonderful time. He's gay and had no axe

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:32

I don't either, tsc

but if my DH were to send a series of emails like this, making "suggestions" like these to a single woman I would be very concerned

wouldn't you ?

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:33

we are talking about this bloke, not all men

amberleaf · 19/01/2011 23:33

He is soooo fishing for a bed for the night!

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:34

nah, jasper

lovely little anecdote, but not seeing the relevance here

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 23:44

Ohhh errrrr and there was me nipping off for a cuppa and a custard cream thinking the debate was waning!! Grin

jasper it did occur to me also that his DW might have sent him after his recent invitation for me to stay.....along the lines of "she could have changed into a right nutter, go up there NOW and make sure she is not an axe murderer"

He feels awkward and tries to invent reasons to stay nearby.....I MN it, get all shitty with him, he returns to wife and says "Yep, complete fruit loop"

Wife says "Phew"

But then that's where 3 cups of green tea took me....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:49

wifey knows nuuurrrrthing believe me

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:54

there's only one way to find out....

SAH, it's over to you

Invite him to kip at yours and tell him you have an overnight babysitter

He'll think all his birthdays have come at once Grin

thumbdabwitch · 19/01/2011 23:58

I think there is a possibility that he was fishing for a bed for the night - but not necessarily in yours. OR he's just too darn lazy to check out all the local places to stay and read the reviews and is looking to you to tell him which to avoid and which are ok.

Depending on how suspicious you are, you can read it either way.

Have you replied? I would reply with a straightforward list of 2 or 3 places to stay and see what the response is - if he is fishing to stay with you, he might try and say that he doesn't really like any of them, or that they are all full, or too far for him to commute or whatever. ANY excuse not to use your recommended places to stay would be cast iron evidence that he is fishing, IMO.

jasper · 20/01/2011 00:01

singleandhappy Grin yet another possibility!

Thesecondcoming, got to agree with your analysis, and that's from a cynical old bag .

AnyFucker · 20/01/2011 00:10

jasper, that is cynical old cow bag

let's have it right

fortyplus · 20/01/2011 00:16

Goodness! Why not say

'It would be lovely to meet up as long as you're sure that your dw is happy about it'

That way you're just making clear where you stand without sounding as though you think he's got ulterior motives.

Original poster
singleandhappy · 20/01/2011 00:18

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! My head might explode!! Grin

Really, really don't know how to take it now....Will sleep on it. I haven't answered his last e mail.

I can see every point of view. IF if if I do meet him it will be in my local with my friends turning up. I guess I have nothing to stress about then, if he is an arse, he can't DO anything except make it a bit obvious he's keen (he was never a slease), I won't have to tell him to F off because friends will be around me (and know how I feel about it all) in which case he is history, I will block him from everything.....OR he is genuine and we have a good laugh and I make a point of seeing him and his wife on next visit, with no further meetings with the just two of us.

I am absolute in my intentions of nothing more than friends, so I know I am safe from anything developing. I think I will also request his wife as a friend on FB (he sent the emails via FB), so he will be a bit worried if she doesn't know anything about it and if she doesn't she won't accept my request.

Anyway....a lot to think about....off to bed now to mull

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 20/01/2011 00:29

I think take his email at face value for now - send the list of places to stay and see how he reacts.
He might be testing you! And if you suggested staying at yours, he might run a mile! So you giving him the info he requested would be safe for him.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2011 07:11

you don't sound this desperately in need of rekindling old friendships

are you sure you can be bothered ?

it sounds like bloody hard work to me, all his angst for what ?

a swift half with someone who lives miles away anyway, and whose intenions you are suspicious of ?

why bother ?

if you fancy a night in the pub, just meet your existing friends

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