Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drink with married man~ever acceptable?

158 replies

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:19

Sorry to ask a probably stupid question, but I am recently separated and am not really thinking straight and need to respond to an e mail and need advice!!

I am single at the moment (have been for a year, but XH only just moved out), I have no intention of getting involved with anyone, but recently an old friend (was no chemistry) got in contact and we have exchanged a few e mails about our lives. He's happily married,we talked alot obout his DW who I don't know, and his DC. It was just friendly (although he was flattering about the way I look and he is clearly an attractive man) BUT I am not interested in any other way than friends. He asked me and DC's to stay with his family in the summer. I said it would be lovely to meet them all.

Today I have recieved an email asking to meet up for a drink as he is in the area due to work soon (we live a few hours drive from each other). There has been no recent e mails except for happy Xmas ones, no ongoing communication. I haven't seen him for 20 years, but we were in a group of very good friends at the time.

I am very worried that his DW might not know about the meeting and want to ask, without sounding a bit odd. I did go for a coffee a couple of years ago with a married man and his DW called me and accused me of having an affair.

I don't want to lose a friendship but want to make it clear that I am not willing to meet without his DW knowing. How can I put it in an email without sounding arrogant that I think he might want to jump when he sees me again!!! Should I just say I can't make it, but will see him and his wife another time?? Is it acceptable if it is clear we are friends.....

After the last couple of years of my H's affair, my meeting with a married man and being accused of an affair and being on MN, I'm all a bit......ahhhhhh??!!!

Email along the lines of...
It would be lovely to meet for a drink, as long as DW knows!! :)

???? Advice???

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:29

I would say (email, yes ?) something along the lines of

"I thought we were on the same page and this was going to be a quiet drink for a catch-up while you are in my area.

You have now gone a step further and made me feel rather uncomfortable by hinting about needing a bed for the night and so I will decline your invitation"

That is the polite version because it seems you don't want to offend him, although it appears he doesn't seem to care if he offends you

Single mum ? On her own ? Probably needs a good seeing-to, wifey will never find out. I reckon that is what is now quite happily going through his mind.

But then I am a cynical old cowbag.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2011 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:34

yes indeedy, tsc Grin

ensure · 19/01/2011 22:35

How awkward. I think he's probably hoping for something to happen, after that last email. Bloody men.

Never mind singleandhappy, at least you have saved yourself from an uncomfortable Thursday evening I suppose!

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:36

First email, perfectly ok

2nd email...fishing and not so ok.

ensure · 19/01/2011 22:37

And yes, if it is innocent, you should still get the invite to meet his family.

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 22:37

The second they start mentioning hotels and proximity to your place, you know the rest. It's the script. Then, after four wines, they suggest a nightcap at their hotel.

Bloody lazy too, not a bit of creativity.

jasper · 19/01/2011 22:39

OP you need to meet him and report back which mn camp got it right!

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:41

pmsl AF

Liking the email, and thats how I would put it if we didn't have friendly innocent friendship in the past. Or would have just blocked him from my email without saying anything.

I am very much cynical myself. He hasn't really offended me as such, as I am assuming he wants an affair after the last e mail, when it could all be innocent but clumsy.

There has been no 'lead up' to this, no chatting or anything much at all really. Just a few friendly e mails to and fro about family.....and then this meeting up thing has been a bit of a surprise really!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:46

Yes, a surprise. Perhaps he interprets "friendly" in a different way to you...

I don't think he is very surprised though.

Although he would be if you sent him my response Wink

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:46

jasper Funny you should say that....have been talking to a RL friend about this, and the other option would be to suggest a place in our town for him to stay, meet up in my fairly local pub for a drink, stay about 10 mins and then have my friends 'pop in' for a drink. We all have a drink together and are tucked up by 11pm. No embarrasing situation even able to develop.

Can't be arsed though... Grin

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:47

tucked up at home alone I mean Blush

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:48

I don't get this "oh, he's just a bit clumsy" thing

what is he being "clumsy" about ? there is intent behind the "clumsiness", so what is his intent ?

and just by the virtue of being male, it doesn't excuse you from having appropriate social skills...

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:50

AF I know what ya saying, but I really know how these things can develop so I was very cautious to just stick to talking about family and his wife etc..It was literally maybe 5 or less e mails over the last year or so.

Yes, if I sent your response he would think.....arrogant cow thinks I'm after her!!! Grin

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:52

AF The clumsy thing I meant was just meaning that therte is a slight possibility that he doesn't know how he is coming accross....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:55

SAH...it wasn't just you that was letting him off the hook with the "just clumsy get out clause " excuse

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 22:56

oops, misplaced " there

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 22:59

No I know I think I nicked it saw it somewhere else but I get what they were saying. Ohhhh shit, am a bit pissed off I have given it all so much thought really.

Stupid Sod if only he had stuck to the drink or family meet up I wouldn't feel pretty crap about men in general again..... Angry

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 23:00

misplaced "

Being very particular tonight!!!
Are you people pleasing ?? Wink

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:03

you don't have to feel crap about men in general

only those that "just happen" to be in your area and haven't made any plans to book a hotel, suggest that you both be free to drink plenty of alcohol and then drop broad hints about needing somewhere to stay over

it's not rocket science when you put it like that Grin

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:04

I like my grammar and punctuation to be acceptable to the beady MN eye, yes Grin

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 23:05

Very true.....just all the ones I am meeting at the moment seem to be like that, married or not. Fuck it, even my own H was like that but hadn't been for 10 years!!

OP posts:
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 23:06

Ahhhhhh MN pleasing then..... totally acceptable!! Grin

OP posts:
jasper · 19/01/2011 23:08

BY clumsy I mean asking for hotel recommendations is open to misinterpretation ( hence prolonged debate amongst us cyberchums - I have decided "bunch of strangers on the internet does not do us justice Grin )and not the work of a thoughtful mature gentleman.

But does not mean mr I'm -going- to- be- in town has designs on the fitting surface of your knickers

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 23:08

not all men are players

perhaps you need to widen your social network ?

you don't do that infernal internet dating, do you ?

< awaits onslaught of loved-up and happy internet daters >