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Original poster

Drink with married man~ever acceptable?

158 replies

singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 12:19

Sorry to ask a probably stupid question, but I am recently separated and am not really thinking straight and need to respond to an e mail and need advice!!

I am single at the moment (have been for a year, but XH only just moved out), I have no intention of getting involved with anyone, but recently an old friend (was no chemistry) got in contact and we have exchanged a few e mails about our lives. He's happily married,we talked alot obout his DW who I don't know, and his DC. It was just friendly (although he was flattering about the way I look and he is clearly an attractive man) BUT I am not interested in any other way than friends. He asked me and DC's to stay with his family in the summer. I said it would be lovely to meet them all.

Today I have recieved an email asking to meet up for a drink as he is in the area due to work soon (we live a few hours drive from each other). There has been no recent e mails except for happy Xmas ones, no ongoing communication. I haven't seen him for 20 years, but we were in a group of very good friends at the time.

I am very worried that his DW might not know about the meeting and want to ask, without sounding a bit odd. I did go for a coffee a couple of years ago with a married man and his DW called me and accused me of having an affair.

I don't want to lose a friendship but want to make it clear that I am not willing to meet without his DW knowing. How can I put it in an email without sounding arrogant that I think he might want to jump when he sees me again!!! Should I just say I can't make it, but will see him and his wife another time?? Is it acceptable if it is clear we are friends.....

After the last couple of years of my H's affair, my meeting with a married man and being accused of an affair and being on MN, I'm all a bit......ahhhhhh??!!!

Email along the lines of...
It would be lovely to meet for a drink, as long as DW knows!! :)

???? Advice???

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 19/01/2011 13:39

I am the last person to advocate relationships with MM. I can't bare infidelity.

I know you have had a bad experience, but this is very rare indeed. As you would do with anyone, make sure your friends know where you are, the friend on call is a great idea. you are responsible for getting there and back with your own car, it'll be a public place.

IF the evening makes a wrong turn, you can make excuses and leave.

If after the meet up you get inappropriate communications, then you can deal with them appropriately.

If you want to go, GO!

mummery · 19/01/2011 13:40

Tbh if it were me I'd be quite interested to know if he really was only motivated by friendliness. So I'd go.

Though after your past experiences if it did turn out he was angling for something more than 'a beer', it might destroy your faith in men altogether Confused

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 13:40

Thanks thwop I think I will just assume it's a friend thing. I'll ask him if his DW knows when I'm there and assume she knows up till then.

talley I knwo it's just a a drink..a evening drink, not a coffee, but I see your point. I've had a rough couple of years and recently, since I've been single a fair bit of unwanted attention (including from married men). I'm just a bit 'out of sorts' with everything going on and tbh can't be arsed to meet up with someone who has other ideas....I guess deep down I will be so GUTTED if he makes a pass, it just confirm many of the recent "all men are the same" thoughts I have had recently.

Anyway, giving myself a shake and am going to take it on face value and go for (hopefully) a nice catch up with an old friend.

I'll let you know how it goes!!!

Thanks for all your advice!! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 13:42

Ohhhh crossed posts
mummery I was thinking exactly the same!!!

OP posts:
ThwopGoesTheMooncup · 19/01/2011 14:47

singleandhappy I hope you have fun. Come back and tell us how it goes.

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 14:57

Thanks thwop I will!! :)

OP posts:
domeafavour · 19/01/2011 15:00

go for a drink fgs
i had tons of married guy friends, that despite serious excesses of alcohol, never turned into anything like that.
you've been lurking in the relationships section too much!!!
You will know soon enough if he is too flirty and then you just tell him , or leave

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/01/2011 15:33

I always think in these situations, it's your own reactions you need to consider, not the other party's. So regardless of his intentions, if you don't want to have an affair or engage in a friendship that's a secret from his wife, then you won't.

However, life is rarely that simple and it could be he is fascinating and engaging company, with the capacity to make you laugh out loud and you'll find yourself thinking "Hmmm...if circumstances were different..." and the next step is convincing yourself that this is harmless fun and the sort that you're entitled to, after a torrid time in life.

I think the repeated references to how attractive you are could be a fishing expedition on his part. I also think it's possible that he's not "in the area" at all and has deliberately made this a night-time event.

I'd also put much less store on the questions about whether his wife knows - he could lie through his teeth if he thought that would be the deal-breaker.

If you can be absolutely certain of your convictions about this, meet him and listen out. It's normally pretty obvious if someone wants more than a friendship, especially if you are on your guard and looking for the signs.

JustForThisOne · 19/01/2011 17:18

sounds like you do fancy him a bit tho, and so he does
to ask if wife knows - uhmm dont like the sound of that - it will make you ''complices'' whethere answer is yes or not

go and have your drink enjoy and observe

just a question
are you prepared to start an affair with a married man?

jasper · 19/01/2011 18:16

Meet him. he sounds like a nice friend.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/01/2011 18:23

Meet him, and assume the best.

Don't say anything daft like 'does your wife know' even once you are face to face with him, because if it is all platonic then it makes you look like a loon and will embarrass him no end.

If he has 'intentions' towards you, then you will know, and you just won't see him again.

DuelingFanjo · 19/01/2011 18:39

meet him. if your intention is to just meet as friends I can't see why it would be an issue.

jasper · 19/01/2011 18:52

I occasionally meet male friends for lunchwho are married .

I always tell my dh where I am off to and who I am meeting(male or female ) , not because I have to get his okay but because going out for lunch is always a treat so would get mentioned as part of the chat about my day.I would probably also bore dh by telling him what I had to eat .

It's not really my concern whether my married friends have mentioned/discussed/ okayed it with their partners.

As I understand it , OP, you are single. It's his call whether he mentions it to his wife.
As others have said, if he gets inappropriate leave sharpish and don't meet up again.

Adversecamber · 19/01/2011 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 20:38

Thanks for all your comments. I know it sounds like I'm making a big thing of it, but after the last experience with the wife ringing me, I felt really uncomfortable and she said it's how affairs start.

I know my intentions are absolutely NOT to get involved on any level but friends. Normally I am just really realistic and can cope with most situations, a couple of years ago wouldn't have thought twice about meeting a married friend for a drink, at the moment I realise I am vulnerable and just don't want to be put in a embarrasing/awkward situation, and don't want him (or his wife) to think I am thinking anything more than drinks. It seems that alot of men assume that single women are just up for it if they go out for a drink.....

Anyway I am going now, as I have answered his e mail.

I have thought of the possibility that he is thinking exactly the same and having this conversation with his wife!!! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandhappy · 19/01/2011 20:47

Ok....
Have just got a message back saying that he is coming in a few weeks on a thursday night and needs somewhere near me to stay as he thinks we should both be able to drink.

He's said that as long as he can get to work within an hour in the morning it will be fine (I said I am 45 mins from where he is going to work). He's asked for names/places of somewhere to stay....

I know my radar is wayyyyy out at the moment....am I still being a bit paranoid??
I feel like a right pratt...
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
jasper · 19/01/2011 21:16

I don't quite understand his request in your last post.
Tell him to use google.

WinkyWinkola · 19/01/2011 21:19

You should both be able to drink? Why does that matter?

I'd steer clear personally.

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/01/2011 21:19

Uh-oh....

I'd ignore it tbh and sleep on whether you actually want to meet him.

Is he expecting you to put him up? Hmm

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 21:22

eh ?

he is angling for a bed for the night...

and you walked straight into it

you need to re-tune your radar, methinks

and never mind how he comes across..how about just giving yourself a little slap here

AnyFucker · 19/01/2011 21:24

Until your last post I thought the situation was fine

Now I don't...and you are playing along with it

jasper · 19/01/2011 21:29

I have reread and see you had already decided not to drink.
DOn't be railroaded into drinking when you don't want to.

YOU have childcare issues. He knows that. It's up to him to arrange his own accommodation with respect to his work commitments, and if you can reasonably meet up without too much inconvenience on either part, do it.

DO you actually WANT to meet this old friend?

nowwearefour · 19/01/2011 21:30

yes it seems odd. having a drink with an old friend seems fine, no matter what their marital status. them asking re somewhere to stay seems weird. if he is there on business they will pay for accommodation and he should just choose somewhere and stay there and not mention to you at all. i would now agree with AF and not meet up or have any more contact. seems dangerous or odd.

jasper · 19/01/2011 21:34

Surely it's between him and his employer where he stays?

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/01/2011 21:38

I know it's not ALL men, but there seems to be an AWFUL LOT of some men that can't seem to keep it in their pants.....

Why Oh Why could this guy have not just met for a frigging drink as friends.

I'd actually take immediate and scathing offence at his email.

I'd let him book the ffing hotel and I'd sodding well stand him up tbh.

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