Drink with married man~ever acceptable?

[singleandhappy]

Sorry to ask a probably stupid question, but I am recently separated and am not really thinking straight and need to respond to an e mail and need advice!!

I am single at the moment (have been for a year, but XH only just moved out), I have no intention of getting involved with anyone, but recently an old friend (was no chemistry) got in contact and we have exchanged a few e mails about our lives. He's happily married,we talked alot obout his DW who I don't know, and his DC. It was just friendly (although he was flattering about the way I look and he is clearly an attractive man) BUT I am not interested in any other way than friends. He asked me and DC's to stay with his family in the summer. I said it would be lovely to meet them all.

Today I have recieved an email asking to meet up for a drink as he is in the area due to work soon (we live a few hours drive from each other). There has been no recent e mails except for happy Xmas ones, no ongoing communication. I haven't seen him for 20 years, but we were in a group of very good friends at the time.

I am very worried that his DW might not know about the meeting and want to ask, without sounding a bit odd. I did go for a coffee a couple of years ago with a married man and his DW called me and accused me of having an affair.

I don't want to lose a friendship but want to make it clear that I am not willing to meet without his DW knowing. How can I put it in an email without sounding arrogant that I think he might want to jump when he sees me again!!! Should I just say I can't make it, but will see him and his wife another time?? Is it acceptable if it is clear we are friends.....

After the last couple of years of my H's affair, my meeting with a married man and being accused of an affair and being on MN, I'm all a bit......ahhhhhh??!!!

Email along the lines of...
It would be lovely to meet for a drink, as long as DW knows!! :)

???? Advice???

I would just go and have the drink. He's an old friend, you have all-family plans to hang out, so you're not a secret.

He's going to be nearby, it's not a special trip to see you.

If it turns out he's sleazy, lesson learnt.

Are there any other mutual friends in your area? Could have a mini reunion...

I know AF. Part of me can't be arsed, I don't need extra friends. However he WAS a good friend and has been appropriate (except perhaps a bit flattering) up till the last e mail.
I'm just curious to meet him. There was never any spark, so it's purely just to see how he is and if a friendship is viable. I think he is just curious too. There was a big group of us and we all moved around the country.

I am going through a rough time, usually I wouldn't give it a thought but have man trust issues at the mo. I am also holding on to the hope that there are some decent blokes out there!!!
Still haven't quite made up my mind about definitely going but sent an email saying about the town I live in having a couple of hotels and we could meet in my local pub. I also said "hope dw is ok about you meeting up with an old gal soak from home town!!!Does she remember me??"
he hasn't asked for mobile number or anything. I'll see what his response is to the dw question. I know her by name, we may have met once or twice, she's the same girl he was with when I knew him although she was away at college.

I'm with tsc on this one - perhaps I am extremely naiave on this but I just don't see the problem thus far.
I could have written either of those emails to a friend I had not seen for a long time.
Doesn't mean I want a bit on the side - just wanting to know if there are any decent places to stay.
I would go, if anything inappropriate develops, tell him to get lost and get up and go. Make sure you have a friend on alert or book a taxi to collect you at a certain time.

You sound completely paranoid to me!

I think its perfectly normal if you're going to an area you don't know, to ask the local person for a recommendation of where to stay. I honestly don't get what is wrong with that - I've done it, my husband's done it, every sensible person I know would do the same.

Poor bloke, at least give him the benefit of the doubt. You honestly can't go through life expecting the worst from everyone - you will go quietly mad and end up with no friends!

OP go and have a drink it is really not big a deal

you say you have issues of trust so please if he turns out to be looking for nice and easy bit on the side do not take it on board as a confirmation the world is full of bad hungry wolves (dunno were the wolf bit came from duh) and you cannot trust your own judgment and dont stop socialising or trying

Singleandhappy I think your first e-mail was much better actually, that you'd had a rethink about meeting up.

If he was in town on business and needed accommodation because he couldn't get home, he and his employers would arrange that between them.

If accommodation is not required for business then he should be going home, back to his wife.

He's quite clearly fishing for something, at best a flirty evening with an old friend whom he thinks is very attractive and has been emailing regularly of late.

At worst he's thinking as someone earlier posted: that you're single, vulnerable, maybe bored, maybe horny, and he can get himself sorted out with an overnight at your place.

Steer clear. Unless he was a very close friend in the old days and you've got a ton of catching up to do about how your lives have turned out, I don't even see the point in meeting him.

PS The invitation to stay with his family in the summer was oblique and indefinite and quite possibly a way of making himself seem friendly in an appropriate way, so as to lead on to being more friendly in an inappropriate way.

I agree with "paranoid squad" on here (mummery take and the rest)
but I do think that OP has gone nothing to loose to go and check it out for herself, she is a big girl she can do it!

She goes, enjoys the drink, get the flirting if that does materialise and kindly decline any further plans he may have had. She can laugh it off. end off, big deal
I do accept bets though

But the OP had a husband who had an affair. Without being dramatic if that were me it would make me feel shit to go and meet a friend for supposedly a nice hour or two in the pub only to find out he was yet another roaming husband just after an easy bunk up behind his wife's back.

I just think that now the comment about needing a bed has been made (which I believe is him testing the waters for 'making a night of it'), OP would be better off backing out of this and having a different, less complicated, and more fun night out in different company.

What are you thinking OP, no doubt!

I'm accepting bets too. Due to the hugeeee mix of comments on here I am very intrigued!!

I haven't back from the last e mail I sent asking about his wife, and giving names of hotels.......

If he does answer about how his wife feels about the meeting, I am going to continue to arrange to meet him. Purely because he was a good friend with no chemistry and has not given me any concrete evidence to take it as anything more than just a friendly meet up. Just my paranoia??? maybe.... In the past I remember him as faithful to his girlfriend (now wife), not a player, respectful of women and generally decent.

There has been nothing leading up to this as in any emotional involvement, exchange of phone numbers, disclosures, secrets or any sharing at all, things that would perhaps lead up to an affair (although accept it could be just a shag he's after). Midlife crisis can lead you to funny places....

I am willing to eat humble pie and tell all you all he was a cheating dirty gurty up for a quickie OR cheer and raise my glass to the fact that he is a rare but lovely, married man wanting to meet up with an old platonic friend.....

After about 10 minutes I guess it will be a question of.....
"another beer?"
or
"f* off"
simples.

Yes very mummery

This is my greatest concern that it is in secret, but I'm hoping I will be able to suss that out before meeting him if he does answer my last email about his wife.

We will both have work the next day and he will be driving for 45 mins the next day too, so it would be an early one, he hasn't asked to meet on after his meeting when he would have the following day off.....so again....???!!!

sorry I mean he HASN'T asked to meet on the Friday night after his meeting, which would mean he would have the next day off, so an excuse for a big drinking session. He has said he wants to meet after a day nearby and has to be at work early in the morning after our meeting.....if that makes sense!!!

OK I'd like to put a tenner on that a) he won't directly reply to your DW query and b) that he'll say something vague and dissembling about your local hotels.

"Oh DW's used to me pinging about the country, not sure about the hotels you mentioned maybe I'll stumble upon a Travelodge nearby...?!"

or,

"DW will be in bed by 9, it'll be nice for her to have me out of her hair for once, not going to book anywhere just yet might be better idea nearer the time..."

or,

"......Crikey - hotel prices!! must be all five star penthouse accommodation round your neck of the woods, not sure if it's worth staying over after all?!? xOx"

PMSL!!! I am expecting the same!! I will let you know.....if he even decides to reply?!!! He might think....."shite...caught out, how embarrasing!!"

I am with shineon. You all sound a bit mad!

Someone mentioned above that if he is travelling for work that they would sort out accomm for him. Erm, no work that I know does that unless there's a group of us all staying - they just give me a budget and I have to book it/sort it out.

My mind is now boggling at the different perspectives people have on things!

He just sent me a picture of his cock

Only joking!! Well, we shall see what his intentions are when we meet up. He hasn't answered the last e mail about accomodation yet.

OP ... what are you going to wear?