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Original poster

Forced to have MIL as our cleaner. Now she says the flat is filthy and disgusting.

157 replies

AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 08:27

Just to set the scene, I work out of the house about 45 hours a week. Travel there and back takes about 1.5 hours a day. DH works from home similar hours. No DC. I do 95% of the housework.

DH (MIL?) has recently decided that MIL should be our cleaner. DH has agreed to pay her a "good rate" and apparently she badly needs the money. Although I was very uncomfortable with the idea, she has now been and cleaned our flat twice, both times while I was at work and without any warning whatsoever.

DH and I had a huge fight last night over this which culminated in me packing a bag to leave, but not leaving. During the argument, DH kept saying that the flat was "filthy and disgusting". I am confident that he is repeating what he has heard MIL say. She used to say the same thing about the "disgusting state" we left the house in when we lived with her.

I feel awful about MIL coming in my home when I'm not expecting it and criticising my housekeeping to DH. It's not the immaculate show home that her house is, but it's not filthy and disgusting.

What would you do?

OP posts:
coldtits · 18/01/2011 08:29

I would say to your husband that if he wishes to have a cleaner, it will be one you have both chosen, and with that in mind you will be moving out until your MIL stops coming to your house while you're not there.

nickschick · 18/01/2011 08:29

Id say to 'D' h that clearly you cant work and do the chores so youve decided to quit work and become 'stepford'.

scurryfunge · 18/01/2011 08:30

If you are both working similar hours then why is not doing his fair share?

The issue is with him not your Mil.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/01/2011 08:30

Your housekeeping? But her son lives there. Why isn't it his housekeeping being criticised? If he's disabled to the extent that he can't use a vacuum cleaner then I owe him an apology.

YeButerfleogeEffete · 18/01/2011 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretNutellaFix · 18/01/2011 08:32

I would point out to your d?h that the mess and filth is more likely to be his, as you are actually out of the house for most of the week.

Also, tell him that if your mum is able to clean your house, she is also able to clean other peoples to earn some more money and that you are going to hire a cleaner who is in no way related to either of you, so MIL can stop coming over.

nickschick · 18/01/2011 08:33

Is his Mum declaring her earnings?
Maybe a taxman hint would scare her away?

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 08:34

Aaaaaaaawwwww, is MIL's ickle diddums baby boy not being properly looked after? Hmm Tell your DH to grow up, pull his finger out and do some cleaning then if he's so worried. There are two of you living in the flat, he should be spending as much time as you cleaning and tidying up. If you need a cleaner, you should hire one that does not have a close relationship with either of you.
If your MIL is skint, then your DH should just give her some money to help out.

BTW, your MIL is being completely inappropriate and your DH is being a knob.

littleomar · 18/01/2011 08:34

remind your DH that you are out of the house all day so it must be him that's making the house filthy and disgusting.

also, IME, you can get a lot of housework done if you're working from home, by using the time that you'd spend commuting/putting on respectable clothes/sitting in pointless meetings/gossiping at coffee point if you were working in an office. time for him to step up i reckon.

littleomar · 18/01/2011 08:35

haha i'm pleased everyone said the same as me! (took longer to type because DS just smasehd a plate on the floor)

nickschick · 18/01/2011 08:35

Get Kim and Aggie to come and theyd say the cleaner wasnt doing her job GrinWink.

PuppyMonkey · 18/01/2011 08:37

I'd carry on packing and run away - what's your DH doing while you do 95% of the housework?

Ephiny · 18/01/2011 08:40

It sounds like a cleaner is a good idea for you, but no way would I want my MIL coming in and poking around my house when I'm not there! Much better to hire someone through an agency. Someone who will just get on an do the job and has no vested interest in criticising or demeaning you.

Sounds like you have problems though if you were doing 95% of the housework despite you both working full-time (and you having a fairly long commute on top of that while he's at home). And that 'housekeeping' is solely your responsibility. He needs to get some respect for you IMO (and maybe you need to start demanding some for yourself?)

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 08:40

We talked about getting a cleaner but neither of us wanted someone we don't know coming in the house - particularly DH as he's there all day. DH sees this as the perfect solution for everyone as it gives him an excuse to bung his mum a bit of cash, which is really a gift rather than income, as her business had to close over Christmas. It discharges his responsibility to do his share of the housework and it takes the strain off me. He can't understand my objection.

OP posts:
thisishowifeel · 18/01/2011 08:41

Seems to me your "cleaner" needs to up her game, she's obviously not doing her job very well if it's "filthy and disgusting".

Tell her to pull her finger out and get on with it! Grin

Seriously, why has this become such a mammoth issue? Why is he allowing his mother so much power in your lives?

bronze · 18/01/2011 08:42

Buy some sex toys aimed at men and leave them lying around

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 08:42

And let's face it, if we were a family of vulcans, rather than humans this arrangement would indeed make perfect sense.

OP posts:
animula · 18/01/2011 08:48

If you're doing more HW before you have children, that isn't good. That sort of work in the home differential usually opens up/widens after children, and it leads to problems in the relationship.

I'd recommend reading "Wifework" too, to get a handle on why it is seen as "your" problem if it's messy.

I think I'd either have no cleaner, and be happier about a messier house, or get a cleaner unrelated to the pair of you.

And I know I sound really dim, but surely, with two adults clearing up after them, it can't really be disgusting?

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 08:49

DH has wanted this arrangement for ages as an alternative to us doing the housework ourselves. It's me who's resisted it, and also I really can't bear DH doing housework, it does my head in.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 18/01/2011 08:51

I suggest next, and every, time he uses the F&D phrase, just stare at him blankly and ask why it should be your problem.

Ephiny · 18/01/2011 08:51

Personally I'd much prefer having a stranger clean my house - maybe my cleaner thinks our house is 'filthy and disgusting' but she certainly doesn't say so to us, and anyway it's more likely she just sees it as another job to be done.

What would be your ideal solution - for him to do his fair share of the housework? Do you think there's any possibility of him doing that?

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 08:51

I think my preference is for a neutral cleaner and pay MIL to do something else for us, like clean DH's cars out, or iron his shirts. But DH (MIL?) won't have it.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 18/01/2011 08:53

When I was doing those kind of hours and had a cleaner, the house was immaculate because I was never there. So I agree with others - it's him that's making the mess so he should clear it up. I work from home now and the house gets dirty lots quicker (and I have a 3YO who is capable of turning a room from clean to filthy in about 20mins)

It's not your housekeeping. Why on earth are you tidying up after him?

poissonrouge · 18/01/2011 08:53

Hang on - why can't you bear dh doing housework??

diddl · 18/01/2011 08:55

Is it a very big flat?

If he cleaned whilst you are travelling it would probably all get done easily.

Sorry but wouldn´t have MIL cleaning for me.