Forced to have MIL as our cleaner. Now she says the flat is filthy and disgusting.

[AmandaCooper]

Just to set the scene, I work out of the house about 45 hours a week. Travel there and back takes about 1.5 hours a day. DH works from home similar hours. No DC. I do 95% of the housework.

DH (MIL?) has recently decided that MIL should be our cleaner. DH has agreed to pay her a "good rate" and apparently she badly needs the money. Although I was very uncomfortable with the idea, she has now been and cleaned our flat twice, both times while I was at work and without any warning whatsoever.

DH and I had a huge fight last night over this which culminated in me packing a bag to leave, but not leaving. During the argument, DH kept saying that the flat was "filthy and disgusting". I am confident that he is repeating what he has heard MIL say. She used to say the same thing about the "disgusting state" we left the house in when we lived with her.

I feel awful about MIL coming in my home when I'm not expecting it and criticising my housekeeping to DH. It's not the immaculate show home that her house is, but it's not filthy and disgusting.

What would you do?

Well if you want to compromise, you get a cleaner and still let MIL clean. So she is keeping up the appearance of cleaning, but you actually have a cleaner come the day before she does. This way, she doesn't have to touch any dirt, you get a clean house, and your DH gets to bung her some money.

I don't understand why she is lonely or short of things to do if she is caring for 2 adults. I agree that taking her out for a coffee would be a nicer thing to do than having her do the tedious grubby job of cleaning for you.
If you don't want a cleaner then don't have one, but if your husband does think the house is dirty and you don't have time to clean it/ don't want to clean it to his standards and won't let him do it then you have to compromise somewhere. It sounds as though you need to chuck more out as well, if you don't have storage space for bric a brac you probably don't need.
I wouldn't want any relative (bar husband and kids) cleaning my house.

The OP is short of money and said she was paying off debts Pfft, plus it sounds as though MIL doesn't need the money, not sure what she does need as it doesn't sound like she needs company either.

Perfumed I think being a carer can be boring and lonely. I don't think it's stimulating and fun all the time, if at all. She just lost her business, she used to run a pub.

Belle I think you may be right. I don't think that means I should divorce my husband or quit my job though, I need to work on it.

Amanda, I don't think DH probably had any idea how destructive it might be to your relationship with his mother to have her as your cleaner. If he had any foresight at all, he would never have initiated it.

I think drop all worries about a 'stranger' coming in to clean - it'd be better than this, it's just a time bomb. If DH is in most of the time, the cleaner will be supervised anyway.

She's being judgemental and overfamiliar because she knows you both. She can get away with saying things to your DH/her son because he is who he is. If she were working for someone she didn't know, she wouldn't dream of saying these things - she'd get sacked. There's more than one cleaner out there. If she seriously needs the work, let her go out and find another position like anyone else would. Or you could ask around or put a card up at the local supermarket/newsagent on her behalf.

Get a local cleaning company who have a reputation to protect. Shop round. Get them in slightly less often, but for a deep clean (to make it affordable). You and husband divide the day to day jobs between you. And try and let go of the control freak tendencies - if you have the luxury of contemplation on your deathbed, you won't wish you'd cleaned the bathroom more often. Accept that some things won't be as clean as if you'd done it yourself.

PS And I really think the people on here who shout 'leave him!' should think about how immature that comment is. You are not in any danger, it's just an issue that's arisen in the relationship. It happens. It's up to you and DH to look at your individual issues/baggage and come up with a middle ground that works for your relationship. It's good practice.

Totally agree missmehalia and Amanda.

I'm amazed at some of the people on MN who must have long-term, consistently fulfilling, communicative and loving relationships, who feel qualified to tell other people to leave a marriage whenever an issue comes up.

i'm also suprised at the number of people slating the HB because he doesn't do any housework. As long as a couple shares the work evenly and they are happy with the division i don't see what the issue is.

this has been such an interesting one to watch

She could also do some voluntary work?

How could she run a pub & be a full time carer?

"How could she run a pub & be a full time carer?"

Sorry, not my business, was thinking out loud

Perhaps your husband could lunch with her a couple of times a week?

If she ran a pub I would have thought it´s the social side she misses?

Are there clubs/groups she could join?

Agree, I don't see how cleaning the OP's house can be in any way fulfilling for this woman. If she wants paid employment then she'd be better applying for a proper job, if she wants to socialise then cleaning her son's house when he is supposed to be working hard doesn't sound very sociable, unless they spend the whole time nattering which may explain why the house isn't clean. She'd be better joining a hobby related group or doing adult education classes.
If I was feeling stressed out with being a carer I wouldn't decide that the answer to my problems was to clean a relative's house.
The husband does need to see that his mum cleaning is non negotiable, his wife isn't having it and it will cause stress between him and his wife and his wife and his mother.

Well if the OP is short of money and the MIL has money, why is the DH intent on giving the MIL money?

That's a very interesting article Dittany. All that talk of oppression is just how I feel right now. i think we've had every one of those conversations about housework and childcare.

Yes good article Dittany. Incredible though that it was published in 1970 and here we are over 40 years later still fighting the same battles...

"i'm also suprised at the number of people slating the HB because he doesn't do any housework. As long as a couple shares the work evenly and they are happy with the division i don't see what the issue is."

If I can explain my response, the OP seemed to be doing nearly all the housework while the OH grumbled about it not being clean enough. My point was that if one partner is not happy with the state of the cleaning, it behoves him (or her) to do some, especially when they don't even have a commute to add to their working day. It then emerged that the OP doesn't want him to - or to employ a cleaner, whether MIL or professional - which sort of leaves the poor man a bit stuck for solutions. There'd have to be a mighty lot more issues before I'd join the "leave him" brigade (which seems from a cursory glance back to consist of only one poster, on this occasion). But I stand up as a proud member of the "if he doesn't like the standard of cleanliness, hand him a duster" brigade any day of the week.

Agree, that's why this is frustrating because there doesn't seem to be any solution the OP wants. She doesn't want the MIL to clean (but won't tell her so), doesn't want a stranger to clean, doesn't want her DH to clean (but is upset about him making comments about the state of the house), doesn't want to leave but doesn't seem to want to do anything to improve the situation either.

Also, OP you were the one who brought up the suggestion of leaving him (you say in the OP you actually had a bag packed ready to leave!) so don't see why you think it's so ridiculous if a few people have said 'well go on then' .

Seriously, people have tried to offer helpful suggestions (on this thread and the previous one) but it almost seems like you don't want things to change. Which is fine, it's your life, but why waste people's time with it? If you're not happy, you need to work out what you want (and don't want) from this relationship, and have some assertiveness in standing up for your wishes.

If the OP is at work all day and the husband thought the house was dirty he could easily do an hours cleaning now and then and just not tell the OP. If I'm only working part of the day I'll often do some housework, but I don't list eactly what I've done to my husband when he comes home, just as I don't expect him to itemise his day for me. Suspect most women part time or working from home do this.

Oh I'd have been quite happy to just muddle along and my ideal solution is that DH and I continue to do our own cleaning. I'm fairly certain DH was just repeating what his mother had said in the heat of the argument as he never complained once in seven years until MIL suddenly decided she wanted to be our cleaner. And honestly it's not filthy and disgusting. MIL's definition of filthy and disgusting is not hoovering out the crumbs from the toaster between uses.

I did think of leaving during the course of the argument but I wasn't intending to leave forever and I didn't go because I realised that it would be pretty manipulative of me to force DH's hand by threatening to move out if I didn't get my own way.

I would tell Dh that MIL doing the cleaning wasn't working out, and that more to the point I was pretty bloody upset about him going behind my back to arrange this when I had said that I did not want this to happen . I would then suggest that we needed to find a mutually agreeable solution, and work through the options. I would then insist that we presented a united front in spelling this out to MIL.

Might your MIL need some respite from caring? She might be the sort of person who feels they can only justify not doing a task if they are doing a different one. Personally I would offer to clean so DH could offer to help out with caring duties ( because I quite like cleaning), as long as he cleared up after himself on a day to day basis.

Re money - if you are struggling too, then dh offering some time might be more sensible than paying MIL. Is she claiming everything she is entitled to ?

Inertia that's very helpful. I'm not short of money, I am just trying to shift debt more quickly and would rather I was paying off the money I owe than paying a cleaner.

DH already helps out a lot with his granny and uncle, and they have paid carers as well so it's not a full time job for her but she really likes spending time with us, and she cried when we went away for New Year because she'd been alone a lot over Christmas. I can totally see now I've calmed down why DH didn't want to say no to her.

Ephiny I really hope I haven't wasted everyone's time. I've found it helpful to hear people's different thoughts on the situation. It's been quite cathartic in a funny way and people have been very insightful and have made constructive suggestions. I'm sorry I haven't acknowledged everybody.

Sorry, I guess I was just struggling to see the point of the thread and what you hoped to get out of it, I'm glad you found it helpful though.

It sounds like she needs a hobby and some friends. I don't think being dependant on your family for company and entertainment is good for anyone. I know alot of old people can go into "my family is my life" mode, but if she's looking after her mum she can't be that old and sounds sociable if she ran a bar. I presume she's no longer married.

Amanda, the main thing here is to take some decisive action. Having your MIL clean your house is never going to work- you hate the feeling of your privacy being invaded and your home and life being judged; she apparently thinks she should be cleaning an already clean house. You have got to knock this idea on the head very quickly indeed.

Maybe it is all a scheme to justify your DH and MIL spending time together- in which case, the suggestion from upthread that he should just go out for lunch with her once a week is ideal. No pressure on anybody's relationship then, and if it happens while you are working out of the home it doesn't take anything from your relationship with DH.

I do think you need an alternative cleaning plan in mind to present to your DH- be willing to accept that there may be particular issues which bother him, and together you can work on a plan which suits both of you.