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Original poster

Forced to have MIL as our cleaner. Now she says the flat is filthy and disgusting.

157 replies

AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 08:27

Just to set the scene, I work out of the house about 45 hours a week. Travel there and back takes about 1.5 hours a day. DH works from home similar hours. No DC. I do 95% of the housework.

DH (MIL?) has recently decided that MIL should be our cleaner. DH has agreed to pay her a "good rate" and apparently she badly needs the money. Although I was very uncomfortable with the idea, she has now been and cleaned our flat twice, both times while I was at work and without any warning whatsoever.

DH and I had a huge fight last night over this which culminated in me packing a bag to leave, but not leaving. During the argument, DH kept saying that the flat was "filthy and disgusting". I am confident that he is repeating what he has heard MIL say. She used to say the same thing about the "disgusting state" we left the house in when we lived with her.

I feel awful about MIL coming in my home when I'm not expecting it and criticising my housekeeping to DH. It's not the immaculate show home that her house is, but it's not filthy and disgusting.

What would you do?

OP posts:
animula · 18/01/2011 08:56

Hmmm. Why don't you like him doing HW? I'm seriously asking, because it's his home too, and ... it's a little undermining of you to say his ability to do HW isn't good enough.

Of course, that really doesn't matter if the situation is working for the pair of you, but it sounds as though it's not.

You seem to be criticising him about his standards of HW, and, in fact, not permitting him to do it, and then you get in MiL, and she (apparrently), and he (definitely) implicitly criticise you.

Or rather, you take comments as criticising you, and coming from your MiL. You may have a point about criticisms of general standard as implicitly criticising you, especially if you have effectively taken responsibility for HW, but it's still an issue.

Is this, basically, about not liking anyone to come into the house uninvited, and in an intimate, non-guest way?

SecretNutellaFix · 18/01/2011 08:57

so basically, to put it crudely, your husband is a lazy arsed cock?

rubyredlips · 18/01/2011 08:58

Have you asked him why he keeps saying it is 'filthy and disgusting'? I would be asking him for examples and ask him why he has not said this before

SecretNutellaFix · 18/01/2011 09:00

animula, if he's anything like my DH, he genuinely doesn't realise how to finish a cleaning job.

He will tidy stuff away in the kitchen and there will be crumbs left over the surfaces. Or he'll give the surfaces a cursory wipe down rather than scrubbing sticky marks away. He'll vacuum around stuff rather than pick it up to start with, then pick it up and then have to vacuum again.

I have stopped lecturing him, at least he does do a fairer portion of housework than he used to.

TrillianAstra · 18/01/2011 09:03

Taking the MIL and lazy arse of a DH out of it...

If your cleaner says the flat is filthy and disgusting - well it's her job to make it not be filthy and disgusting.

Is she angling for more hours?

bronze · 18/01/2011 09:05

Yes if he says its disgusting again tell him you'll be firing mil then as she obviously isn't doing what she is paid for

fluffles · 18/01/2011 09:09

i'm sorry for your situation and your fight with DH but really, you sound like a real control freak.

you won't let DH do housework, and you were reluctant to get an unrelated cleaner.

WHY???? why would you work 45hrs a week and then take on all the housework responsibilities?????

i think you're mad!!

Snorbs · 18/01/2011 09:24

You "can't bear" him doing housework even though he's at home all day. So you end up doing most of the housework. So you discussed a cleaner and, to kill two birds with one stone, he asked his mum to do it as she's suddenly out of work. That actually sounds like a kind and caring thing for him to do. But that's still not good enough for you because she comes into your house when you're not there Shock Even though your DH is there and she is, after all, his mum.

WTF?

The "filthy and disgusting" comment is way out of order (unless your house really is filthy and disgusting) but I think there's a lot more to this than what the MIL said. Have you always had such significant control issues?

dreamingofsun · 18/01/2011 09:24

sorry only had time to read posters comments. sounds to me like you don't have any control over this and thats what upsetting you in part. i would want to specify a certain day that my cleaner came in, how long they were there for and what i expected them to do. I wouldn't be wild about my MIL doing it, but i think if you felt comfortable that you were in control that you might be more OK with the situation.

obviously wouldn't be so nice for your MIL having you direct her - but tough its your house

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 09:28

It's not that I won't let him, I just don't force the issue because when he does clean I find it really stressful for some reason. As long as I'm doing most of the housework I don't feel guilty if I slack off sometimes. I honestly don't think it's filthy and disgusting, but it doesn't surprise me that MIL does.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 18/01/2011 09:33

I really can't bear DH doing housework, it does my head in.

I'm sort of with Snorbs here, although not as vehemently. Can you explain what you mean here? Do you feel the housework ought to be your job? You're on a hiding to nothing here if he's at home all day and you're not.

But then again - if you don't want your MIL as a cleaner, she shouldn't be a cleaner. He doesn't get a casting vote and you shouldn't have to be uncomfortable in your own home. There's a lot wrong here.

Longtalljosie · 18/01/2011 09:34

Let me guess, your MIL has an immaculate home, your DH barely had to lift a finger growing up, and he now thinks pixies clean the bin?

animula · 18/01/2011 09:39

OK. I'm thinking that you two need to talk; about life, expectations, sharing ... .

I'm taking a huge guess, but if you're here on mn, I'm thinking you're considering having children? Which, of course, may not happen.

Please, please don't take this the wrong way, but I would suggest, only suggest, you two chat, a lot, about everything. It would be really sad if you two discovered you had really different expectations about childcare/parenting, and had to resolve those on the hoof, during the early years of having a child (when everything is quite stressful) rather than having some idea about it beforehand.

Obviously, most people do just plunge into childcare, and survive. But I'm just thinking that for HW to be coming up at this stage in your relationship (that is, I think, a bit uusual,), well, you might use it asa tool to discuss the future.

felicity10 · 18/01/2011 09:44

Eeew, I would not like that, having mil poking about in my home while I was out - you are not being unreasonable, you need to talk to him and explain - which I know is hard when its his mother.

Love the idea of leaving rude toys under his side of the bed Bronze is a very naughty lady! Maybe some magazines too...!!

fel1x · 18/01/2011 09:44

Aha, your last post makes things a little clearer

You refuse to let your DH do any of the cleaning. You hate him doing it.
You prefer to do it yourself but admit you like to 'slack off'
Your DH thinks the house is 'disgusting and dirty' (probably it IS him that thinks this, theres no reason to think he would be parroting his Mum)
He wants a cleaner, you dont want a stranger in your house
He arranges someone you both know and are comfortable with to do it instead.
Both times she has been to clean the house you have started a massive argument that evening with DH about her being there because you dont like it.

TBH If I was your DH and the house was a state but you refused to let me, or a cleaner that we did or did not know to do it and instead insisted on doing it yourself but badly, then I'd not be happy either!!

hogsback · 18/01/2011 09:48

So you're both working fulltime but you were doing 95% of the housework.

Unless he is putting in a commensurate effort in other areas (I suggest all the cooking, washing up, laundry and shopping), YABU for letting him take the piss.

diddl · 18/01/2011 09:48

So, rethinking this.

You want a cleaner, not a stranger-so what´s the problem?

Is husband mentioning the state of the place becase he wants to offer MIL more hours/money?

If you don´t want a cleaner & husband has done this solely as a way of giving MIL money, then get rid!

Longtalljosie · 18/01/2011 09:52

Is it that you don't want your MIL to see the flat as it is now?

Would a weekend of you and your DH together having a deep clean mean you were more comfortable with the MIL arrangement? Starting from a better place?

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/01/2011 09:54

1- you won't let DH do the cleaning
2- you don't want a cleaner you don't know
3- you don't want a cleaner you do know
4- you don't want to do all the cleaning

What do you want?

My suggestion - unclench about DH doing his share. Suggest chores that are his so you can carry on doing the important things properly. For eg, my DH does washing up, hoovering, bins. He never does laundry because it's important to me that it's done in a certain way. Washing up, not so much.

Agree that MIL can clean for a limited time, say 3 months, to help her get on her feet. Limit it to once a week, at prearranged times. The rest of the time she's obviously welcome to come and see her son, but not for the purpose of cleaning. That way you can make sure washing up is done, dirty knickers picked up, etc. After three months you hire an unrelated cleaner.

Or you can carry on being a martyr forever....

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/01/2011 09:54

Amanda you clearly have 'issues', which I suggest you resolve.

I'm not agreeing with your DH, I wouldn't want my MIL coming to clean my house either as much as I like her. For one thing, she is my husband's mother and I personally don't think that the relation/employee boundary should be blurred.

But you cannot have it all your own way. If your DH would like the flat to be cleaner but you won't let him do it (by your own admission), and you won't let a stranger in, and you won't let MIL in - then what is the solution?

animula · 18/01/2011 09:54

At the risk of marking myself out as a complete idiot, I'd also recommend reading "The Best a Man Can Get" by John O'Farrell.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/01/2011 09:55

hogsback - the OP doesn't want her DH to do any of the housework. She finds it 'stressful'. Hmm

ENormaSnob · 18/01/2011 09:55

I remember your first thread on this.

You were warned this would happen. Not sure why you went along with it tbh.

potplant · 18/01/2011 10:13

I get where you are coming from but then I have martyr tendencies and I'm a bit of a control freak. We used to have MIL cleaning for us - she's a lovely and we get on really well but I couldn't stand it.

By not letting him help out then you are making it hard work for yourself.

Oh and I work full time from home - I barely have time to have a sandwich a lunchtime so the idea of doing housework during the day is a laughable. If my DH suggested that I try and fit some hoovering during the day I'd rip his head off!

diddl · 18/01/2011 10:57

"If you don´t want a cleaner & husband has done this solely as a way of giving MIL money, then get rid!"

That was a bit harsh of me as I can see he wants to help his mum.

I also wouldn´t want her just doing a general dust & vacuum, I´d be wanting the bathroom cleaned, oven, windows if poss.

Or even to do some ironing.

But really he´d be better placed helping her to find more business rather than just giving her a couple of hours work a week.