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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Forced to have MIL as our cleaner. Now she says the flat is filthy and disgusting.

157 replies

AmandaCooper · 18/01/2011 08:27

Just to set the scene, I work out of the house about 45 hours a week. Travel there and back takes about 1.5 hours a day. DH works from home similar hours. No DC. I do 95% of the housework.

DH (MIL?) has recently decided that MIL should be our cleaner. DH has agreed to pay her a "good rate" and apparently she badly needs the money. Although I was very uncomfortable with the idea, she has now been and cleaned our flat twice, both times while I was at work and without any warning whatsoever.

DH and I had a huge fight last night over this which culminated in me packing a bag to leave, but not leaving. During the argument, DH kept saying that the flat was "filthy and disgusting". I am confident that he is repeating what he has heard MIL say. She used to say the same thing about the "disgusting state" we left the house in when we lived with her.

I feel awful about MIL coming in my home when I'm not expecting it and criticising my housekeeping to DH. It's not the immaculate show home that her house is, but it's not filthy and disgusting.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/01/2011 21:57

He takes his washing home to his mother? WTF?

That is absurd - why the hell can't he do it himself?

Tbh, you both sound weird and I actually think there is a lot more than housework going on here and that is has just become your battleground for control in the relationship.

My advice is to move area so that you are further away from his mother!!

Unwind · 18/01/2011 22:01

Not read the whole thread, but am baffled as to how you could be forced to have MIL as your cleaner. Brow beaten into it maybe, but if that is the case you need to assert yourself more, and deal with the mistake.

Maybe marriage counselling is the way forward, but if you have no children, I think you should simply leave.

If and when children come along you will be in a much more vulnerable position, and your problems with your MIL and H will be a million times worse.

CarGirl · 18/01/2011 22:30

Can I just say I am a really untidy person and procastinate and don't like through stuff out.

DH is very very tidy and neat and minimalist.

I clean "properly" dh "tidies with a bit of a surface clean thrown in"

I have worked on being tidier, dh has worked on improved cleaning skills which has morphed into him doing more child related duties to compensate for his rubbish cleaning. In fairness to dh he has poor sight and little sense of smell so I think he genuinely can't see some of it as he won't wear contacts!

There is a way through the middle but I too wouldn't like any family or friend cleaning for me!

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 07:37

Unwind I'm forced because there's no physical way I can stop it. I need to work out how to get it through DH's thick head that it's a problem for me and why - because he doesn't get it.

The first time he had her round to clean was after I phoned from work upset after receiving some bad news. Despite our first discussion and reading the AIBU responses to my first thread, he was confident it would cheer me up to come home to a floor you could have surgery on and all our socks at right angles.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 07:40

And the main reason it's a problem for me is because I want to have a good relationship with MIL and I want her to think well of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 07:42

And yes of course MIL is our responsibility, if she needs money and we can afford to give her some I fully support DH in doing so, just not for surprise cleaning of my bedroom.

OP posts:
Unwind · 19/01/2011 08:00

If you can't get through to him at all - leave him.

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 08:13

Sorry for what reason am I leaving him, just to be clear. What's the objective?

OP posts:
Unwind · 19/01/2011 08:37

The objective is avoiding a lifetime of heartache. If you can't communicate with him, pre dc (and I assume that since you are on here, you want to eventually have children). You would be better finding someone else.

Negotiating housework when there are only adults is easy. When there are little gremlins causing chaos everywhere they go, even a maid coming in for a couple of hours every day won't solve the problem.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2011 08:57

"DH doesn't want either of us to clean the house".

Well who is going to clean it then?. Aha MIL of course. And she'll be paid too. Your man never cut the apron strings.

Your MIL will never think well of you particularly if you let yourself be bossed around by a lazy ass DH and his mother. Do you have doormat written on your forehead, you're allowing this to happen too.

Why is your MIL your responsibility; giving her money is just enabling her. She is responsible for her own self and shoudl fend for herself.

This relationship sounds very unhealthy. I would agree with Unwind actually.

You sound like my MIL who has also set herself up for a lifetime of martyring as her man does nothing at all around the house and she ends up doing it all. Also she is somewhat of a control freak and likes to be in charge all the bloody time.

WorzselMummage · 19/01/2011 09:00

You will a have a better releationship with your mil if you assert yourself a bit more. Just say NO!

My mil would walk all over me if I let her.. She used to ask if I wanted her to come to drs appointments with me etc WTF! It's just noseyness.

We get on great now but I had to be subtly quite distanced for a while till it sunk in that I was independent.

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 09:01

So the objective is to leave him permanently and to replace him with someone with whom I never have any communication problems?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/01/2011 09:12

I would argue that you both have problems with communicating. He is using his mother as a cleaner despite you saying no to his mad idea in the first place.

He does all the driving (did you ever learn to drive?) and yet there is seemingly more than one car. Why is this?.

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 09:16

I don't actually think MIL does need the money, I think she needs something to do and some company. I think DH is worried about her and caught between wanting to help her out and wanting to keep me happy. She lives alone and is the carer to her mother and disabled brother. I don't think anyone's suggested to MIL that I'm not on board with the arrangement.

For all those who are worried about the division of labour in the house I almost feel under pressure to change the arrangements to make you happy. It doesn't worry me particularly. We could just get a cleaner if it was all too much, but it's only a little flat and there's just the two of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 09:17

Yes I can drive, he doesn't literally do every single bit of driving, so what if he did?

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 19/01/2011 09:18

Look, if you can't get out of her cleaning the house then when he says it is disgusting, you tell him that clearly MIL needs to work harder. After all, that is the point of a cleaner, no? To work hard, clean your house and keep their mouth shut.

Hullygully · 19/01/2011 09:23

Are you quite quite mad?

dinkystinky · 19/01/2011 09:29

Amanda - look, you cant be forced to have MIL as your cleaner: if you really dont want it to happen, it wont. If your DH wants her to help out around the place (and give her money for it) he can get her to clean the car/do gardening/do the laundry (as she already does some of his). Just define her roles more clearly. To be honest, I'd feel uncomfortable about my MIL or my mum cleaning for me too - but if they did, I'd make sure we had the ground rules set (please come on pre-arranged days, let me know if you need any products, please dont touch x, y or z or rearrange papers as need them that way for particular reason) and have it pre-agreed that I will be silently appreciative of their efforts and they will keep their opinions on my slatternly or otherwise ways to themselves. That way you'll hopefully preserve a good relationship.

FWIW, I dont think your MIL thinks the house is filthy and disgusting - your DH said it, not her. Your issue is with him as much as with her and the two issues are getting confused.

thisishowifeel · 19/01/2011 09:29

I've come to the conclusion, rereading this, that it's a load of nonsense.

It just doesn't feel real to me.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 19/01/2011 09:38

OK, so neither of you wants to clean. So your options are:

  1. Live in filth
  2. Get a 'stranger' cleaner
  3. Get MIL in to clean.

You just got to decide which one you want to go for, get DH on board, and work on damage limitation from there (setting days/jobs/rules).

I bet MIL has never cleaned a house that's actually dirty in any way, these 'immaculate house' types are always cleaning stuff that's already clean, polishing stuff that's already shiny; so nothing ever really has a chance to get dirty IYSWIM? She probably had to sit down with a cup of tea and a Valium after finding the dust bunnies under your sofa. Grin

By the way, when you come home from work, has your DH cleaned up the kitchen after his lunch, for example?

Original poster
AmandaCooper · 19/01/2011 09:43

Pfft she would need to be there more regularly to make that argument. Obviously that's one option: to capitulate and agree a set day for her to come.

Another option is for me to divorce DH because he wants to pay to have the cleaning done rather than do it ourselves, whereas I'd rather do it myself; and also because we have had a disagreement over this MIL issue. I'm not on board with this.

Or DH and I could work this out, and find a solution like we do with all our problems. I do favour this option and I'm sure it's possible, but I'm frustrated at the moment. We probably need a cleaner on the one hand and a better strategy for accommodating MIL on the other.

OP posts:
KangarooCaught · 19/01/2011 09:57

If it bothers him so much & he doesn't want you or him to do housework, put him in charge of sorting it. If it's 'filthy & disgusting' he needs his cleaner to do more hours. Just hang your clothes up/put them in the wash basket & tidy away your stuff - job done.

diddl · 19/01/2011 10:11

"and a better strategy for accommodating MIL on the other."

Perhaps if she doesn´t need the money you could actually spend time with her if she is bored rather than let her clean for you.

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 10:23

Was there another thread re this a few weeks ago op? Sounds familiar.

I can't believe your motherinlaw has time to clean for you and her son, not when she is a carer to her mum and her disabled brother! How on earth can she be bored or lonley?

If it's an emotional need then dh needs to point her in the direction of help/hobbies/counselling. He is acting like a mouse, not a man.

You are his wife, you should be the number 1 priority and so far, you're not. Get him told.

BelleBelicious · 19/01/2011 10:26

Agree with diddl.

Personally I think it's lovely that your DH cares about his Mum - she sounds like she has an awful lot on her plate. But if she's lonely rather than broke, your DH should be taking her out for lunch once a week and maybe there are specific cleaning tasks she can do (the inside of the windows! the oven! God I'd love someone to do those for me).

I do think you have a problem asserting yourself, and maybe this is because women mostly do still feel judged by the state of their homes, in a way that men don't. It's not right or rational, but I know that even when we were both working full time, if the house was a mess, I felt embarrassed, but DH never did. Do you have a problem asserting yourself at work?

Anyway, I think you need to stop threatening to leave and just sit down and say no. It makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home and that's reason enough.

I do agree with the other posters, that if you ever have kids, disagreements like these will only increase, so it's a good idea to practise asserting what you want and need now.