Forced to have MIL as our cleaner. Now she says the flat is filthy and disgusting.

[AmandaCooper]

Just to set the scene, I work out of the house about 45 hours a week. Travel there and back takes about 1.5 hours a day. DH works from home similar hours. No DC. I do 95% of the housework.

DH (MIL?) has recently decided that MIL should be our cleaner. DH has agreed to pay her a "good rate" and apparently she badly needs the money. Although I was very uncomfortable with the idea, she has now been and cleaned our flat twice, both times while I was at work and without any warning whatsoever.

DH and I had a huge fight last night over this which culminated in me packing a bag to leave, but not leaving. During the argument, DH kept saying that the flat was "filthy and disgusting". I am confident that he is repeating what he has heard MIL say. She used to say the same thing about the "disgusting state" we left the house in when we lived with her.

I feel awful about MIL coming in my home when I'm not expecting it and criticising my housekeeping to DH. It's not the immaculate show home that her house is, but it's not filthy and disgusting.

What would you do?

@dittany - i am so with you. this thread and the article in the mail today (i know i shouldn't read it) have totally freaked me out. it's like feminism never happened.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1348449/High-fliers-ultimate-status-symbol--wives-afford-home.html

"Another option is for me to divorce DH because he wants to pay to have the cleaning done rather than do it ourselves, whereas I'd rather "

Divorce over a cleaning argument?!!

You need a Reality Check!

OK, I can see your point about all this, but I can also see your DH's and actually, apart from him being a bit thoughtless in disregarding your feelings, his main crime seems to be in wanting a clean flat and to help out his mum. There are worse things!

So, a compromise.... she comes in to clean, but you get to choose which days she comes and what she does when she's there, so you're in control. And that she quits with the chuntering about the flat being filthy and disgusting (assuming you establish who it was who actually said that).

To be honest, I'd jump at the chance of anyone being prepared to muck out clean my house, but then I'm not proud.

suburbophobe I think you'll find that the OP was being sarcastic.

This is quite a bizarre thread - sorry OP.

You are desperate for your MIL to think well of you and think that she will think well of you if you match her ridiculously high standards for cleaning, or at least that you must hide that you don't match those standards. If you are not exagerating that she cleans the loo after someone visits or can't have crumbs by the toaster for a few hours - the woman has a mental health problem - not one that necessarily needs changing if she can live that way but why on earth would you want to collude with that? Meanwhile, you have a lot of clutter - having a lot of clutter is often considered related to compulsive behaviours strangely.

Your DH doesn't want either of you cleaning - well maybe there's something for him in all of this about cleaning reminding him of Mum cleaning compulsively. He thinks coming home to a clean house would de-stress you - this is probably a message he has had from his childhood.

On the one hand this is all a bit of a non problem but on the other this is reflecting some complex and messy family relationships. If you bring DC into this situation it could all get very difficult. You need to sort yourselves out, get to the bottom of what this is really all about. Why not treat yourself to a family therapist?

I couldn't have my MIL clean my house .... SHUDDER!!!!! I couldn't even let touch my washing when my washer broke.

I would suggest it is a slight invasion of privacy.... taking you out of your comfort zone.

MIL is more likely to comment on things she might see or find, which a stranger wouldn't.

Hubby won't mind as she's seen all of his bits and bobs etc since the day he was born.

May be just remind DH that you don't have the same relationship with his mother that he does and decide ground rules, be it differences in standards, no go areas etc. Discuss what might cause offense and how you want your relationship with MIL not damaged

Good luck

Oh I know how you feel a bit. We ot our MIL to have the keys to our house while we were on honeymoon. When we came back she had cleaned the whole house for us as a "present" including the microwave.....which was like something out of a horror film. I was mortified.
Then we were down the pub with them a while afterwards and someone refered to it in conversation. I could have died!! the thing was though this was before we had DC's and we both worked long hours and had an I do the upstairs you do the downstairs arrangement, with DH's being the downstairs!! No way would I let her clean my house again. Even though she meant well.