condom in pocket. We're here again.

[worriedbee]

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

• the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.

• there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.

• he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess

• he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)

• he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger.

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

OP by this point it would almost be irrelevant for me whether he was actually cheating or not. The relationship you're describing sounds rubbish enough.

His detachment, his failure to reassure you, his vague and unsatisfactory excuses about strange text messages, his seemingly oblivious attitude towards your distress, the suspicion, the feeling of constantly being on the back foot, the fact that he took a condom with him to a work do - all of these would be dealbreakers in themselves. It's very sad to me that you don't see it for yourself.

This thread reminds me of one started by a woman who had been beaten up and maritally raped by her partner for years but only decided to leave him when she found irrefutable evidence of his affair. She had managed to tolerate years of physical and emotional abuse as long as she believed he was faithful. Your story kind of reminds me of hers.

The sad thing here is that it's pretty shit either way isn't it? (I think he is lying like a rug, but you don't seem willing to hear that)

Either he is cheating on a fairly regular and sustained basis.

Or you are so lacking in trust you will destroy your relationship and self by constantly questioning everything

(Or you live in some kind of weird parallel universe where coincidences happen every minute and misunderstanding abound. Maybe sitcom world?)

One weirdy condom thing - maybe you could shrug off, 2? 3? 4? 17? 26? 100? Not so much I think.

Sorry for the harsh tone here but he's not going to admit to anything until he gets caught, balls deep, in some other woman. Chances are you'll never catch him at that particular moment, so he can just deny everything away.

If you feel the need to look for evidence ypu will always be looking, you will always be suspicious, therefore your relationship isn't very sound.

Either you trust him, or ypu don't. It's not a case of innocent until proven guilty in a relationship.

Does he have his phone switched off when "he is working late"?? I know it sounds a bit mental but if you could arrange for someone to look after DS, why don't you turn up at his work when he is supposed to be working late and make out like you have decided to surprise him? If he is not in the office then I think there is your proof!!!

Agree with ditanny and madonnawhore. His other behaviours on their own are bad enough, irrespective of whether he has cheated or not. For many, that alone would be reason enough to end things with him.
But, as I said before, if evidence is all you need, you'll have to think about how you realistically hope to obtain it. Saying 'I need proof' but not doing much about it smacks of head-in-the-sand to me. But perhaps I'm wrong.

I don't think you should go through the humiliation of turning up at his work to catch him not there etc..
The fact he has such little respect for you that he couldn't even be bothered to make sure that a condom wasn't in his pocket for you to worry about is pretty sad.

Maybe tell him you don't trust him and you're leaving. It's his fault you don't trust him because of the condom-to-work-do before and that regardless of whether he has cheated this time around he needs to work harder at gaining your trust back. A decent man who loves you will work hard at this.

Seems to me that it was only that no one wanted to shag him that the last condom didn't get used.

Just read your other threads (which are all spookily similar).

Your instincts are not just yelling at you they are hammering you over the head with a giant cartoon-style mallet.

He. Is. Cheating. On. You.

I think you know this. It's really what you're going to do now.

However I do understand the need for evidence, if not so you don't feel you are going slowly mad. And to have the satisfaction of finally confronting him with cool, hard proof. I'd snoop my arse off til I found out.

I'm really sorry for you, this is no way to live.

"How often does he "work late"?" very rarely

"How often is he out on a night out?" Occasional.

"How often does he stay overnight away from home.?" Never (or at least not in the last couple of years, the original condom incident was possibly the last time I think).

His work hours are erratic though (due to the nature of his work) so there is opportunity there I guess.

I don't think there's a full blown affair going on - he simply hasn't got the time. If there is anything going on it's more likely to be fling(s) with workmates I think.

"How often does he "work late"?" very rarely

"How often is he out on a night out?" Occasional.

"How often does he stay overnight away from home.?" Never (or at least not in the last couple of years, the original condom incident was possibly the last time I think).

His work hours are erratic though (due to the nature of his work) so there is opportunity there I guess.

I don't think there's a full blown affair going on - he simply hasn't got the time. If there is anything going on it's more likely to be fling(s) with workmates I think.

Oops!

Only you know how unusual his behaviour is, not us.

For example, where do you usually keep condoms? If he found some loose ones lying around your bedroom ( were they? What about DCs finding them?) where would you normally put them back?

Is putting it in his pocket acceptable or likely?

When and where was he wearing those trousers? Were they smart trousers he had recently worn to work, or around the house, or when out with you?

Is this the same man who stepped outside at the pub not long ago (to make a phone call??) and you found a condom in his pocket?

There are some men who will never for 99.9% of the time cheat or even think of it.

Others are serial adulterers.

Others might get into an emotional affair if they are unhappy.

Which do you think he is?

OP- I was looking back at your post on 9 Dec.

Don't mean this unkindly but either he is dim, or he thinks you are!

In your previous thread you said one was missing from the packet and he made escuses.

Is this now the same again- expcept you have found it in his pocket?

Does he not know that you know how many are there? Or does he not care? Does he not credit you with savvy and intelligence?

Are you both playing a game of bluff and double bluff?

Surely if he is having sex with someone else he would buy his own, keep them somewhere else, and not be so blinking obvious- unless he is really taking the p and thinks you are stupid and gullible.

"I can find another dodgy fuckwit, any time I like, they are ten-a-fucking-penny"

AF's earlier comment sums up exactly why OP shouldn't just end her relationship with her son's father. I think OP is right to be cautious. A future spent dipping in and out of relationships with other "fuckwits" is not going to help OP with her self esteem or help her bring up her son. I could scream "why are so many women just as selfish and egocentric as their fuckwits?"

I thought the issue with the texts was from the other thread and had been resolved when OP discovered they were to one of his male freinds who has what could be either a male or female name.

Not read all the posts but is there any way he has deliberately left it in the pocket , either to see if you still check, and by inference don't trust him, or in some weird way to provoke you into asking him and him then telling you the news you don't wnat ot hear, thus relieving himself of having to intiiate the conversation. Sorry but either way it just does n't look good. :(

nogreatexpectations is the clue in your name? Do you mean she is as well staying with a cheat as there is no hope of finding someone loyal?

NGE...I think you missed the irony in my fuckwit comment

No I didn't miss the irony. The real irony is that many women pass up one fuckwit just to land themselves with another, some are worse than others and some are not the father of their children!

Perfumedlife, No, the name is because I decided to work my way through the classics. I'm nearly finished, pip has just discovered who Estella's parents are and miss Haversham is burnt to a cinder.

yes, you did < shrug >

The thing is the more you sit and think and mull over the 'facts' the more suspicious you will become.

You need to just ask him, you really do. Otherwise if you wait say, a week, you will have built it up in your head that he has done something and wont listen to his 'logical explanation' (if he has one).

I hope you get the response you want worriedbee :)

No I didn't

< gives NGE a chinese burn >

OK. I have no idea if your DP is cheating now, has cheated in the past or plans to cheat in the future.

You have no idea either.

DP is not ever going to tell you.

You have a 'feeling' and some evidence, but it is not enough for you to confront/leave.

So, I think in your case, you need to take a different approach. For some, his 'previous' and the current condom would be enough to instigate an almighty confrontation that ended who knows where, but you have repeatedly said that you are not prepared to that in case you end up with your 4th charge of false allegation. Again, neither I nor anyone else knows if that is the case.

OP. You cannot stay in this limbo but you are not going to confront without evidence, so in your case, I would suggest that you do whatever it is you have to do to find out one way or the other:

I wouldn't normally suggest it but check his texts regularly - you will know how many have to 'mount up' before he is obliged to delete them. If they are being deleted sooner than is necessary, this is evidence of hiding something, no?

Get someone to call that number. Find out whose it is, how old they are, what their relationship status is etc.

Put little dots on all the condoms in the house - number them if you have to, then you can know if any 'disappear'

Get a private detective on it if you have to.

Me, I would go on instinct, but I DO understand that some people need black and white evidence, so get it.

And when you have your answer, you can act accordingly.