Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

condom in pocket. We're here again.

331 replies

worriedbee · 16/01/2011 17:40

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

  • the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.
  • there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.
  • he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess
  • he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)
  • he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger. Sad

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

OP posts:
nogreatexpectations · 17/01/2011 19:57

ouch, that's uncalled for! I intend to read something by Iris Murdoch next,I need a new name, so AF won't find me Grin

OP, you mention that you wasted 5 yrs with your ex, another few weeks and watch and see won't hurt. I appreciate I may seem a bit twee and naive (I've just been lucky) but when you do the maths and realise that what AF says about fuckwits being two a penny is correct you understand that dumping the father of your child and possibly picking another is not a useful blueprint for happiness.

You mention that past boyfriends were arseholes. Are your experiences effecting how you view this relationship. Are you expeceting him to cheat and then looking to find the proof to back up your thesis.

If he works late, I would either ring or call in on the pretext of having a take out or popping in to see him.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2011 20:02

of fgs, NGE, did you really think I meant she should dump this fuckwit and find another ? Hmm

The meaning of my statement is to reduce this bloke to just another fuckwit of which here are plenty

The inference being that she can do better

You are actually insulting the OP here, by insinuating if she dumps this one she will hightail it straight into the arms of another one, did you realise that ?

< pulls NGE's pigtails and hides her reading glasses >

SudalivefromHMP · 17/01/2011 20:14

Anyfucker Grin

Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 00:42

Children Ladies! no fighting on my thread Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:02

"You mention that past boyfriends were arseholes. Are your experiences effecting how you view this relationship. Are you expeceting him to cheat and then looking to find the proof to back up your thesis. "

I think my past experiences probably are affecting the way I view this relationship but not in the way you think. Two of my exes were arseholes, but of the drunken / useless / dangerous kind. However neither were unfaithful, far from it - in fact it was me who was unfaithful. (And I was way more devious than DP could ever be. Seriously, if he's cheating, I'll catch him eventually). In both situations I was unfaithful once I'd mentally left the relationship if not physically IYSWIM. I'm not proud of it, but there you are.

The way I think my past relationships are affecting this one is that I've spend 15 years of my life being used to being with men who proclaim their undying love for me constantly! However these were not healthy relationships. I'm now with a man who's not a complete loon, but a lovely, intelligent, competent, normal human being. However he's not good with showing his feelings. Even if there was no whiff of cheating I would find this difficult I suspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:03

SlightlyJaded that's the plan, unfortunately. Like you say he's never going to tell me is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:10

"Surely if he is having sex with someone else he would buy his own, keep them somewhere else, and not be so blinking obvious" The first time, he really did take a condom from our supply and expect I wouldn't notice. I think he thinks I wouldn't notice, because he genuinely wouldn't notice this sort of thing. I was quite astounded but there you are. He is a very intelligent man but as far as this sort of thing goes his behaviour does seem pretty dim indeed, which is why I have every confidence that if anything is going on I will find out!

"Are you both playing a game of bluff and double bluff"
definitely not

"Is this the same man who stepped outside at the pub not long ago (to make a phone call??) and you found a condom in his pocket?" no that's not me

Which kind of adulterer would he be? Well if he is, I suspect it's because of the way we got together and he doesn't have the guts to say that it's not really for him, or to be honest with me, and that he's open to opportunity. And if that is the case then I really will be fucking angry because the one and only think I have asked him for is honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:36

AnyFucker I have a problem with jumping to conclusions. Although it might seem obvious, without proof there's always a chance that it;s not so, and I'm not willing to gamble this relationship - with the father of my child - on that.

People jump to conclusions all the time much quicker than I would. For example - it's a bit of a random one, but it's come to mind so I'll go with it - when poor old Jade Goody got cervical cancer, people were spouting all kinds of rubbish - she couldn't really be that ill / no one would go on a TV show if they were that ill therefore it had to be a publicity stunt etc etc. People were just so convinced because they'd seen the "evidence" and made up their minds, based in part on how they'd act in the situation. They said some awful things. And then, actually she was that ill, and she died. A bit of an extreme publicity stunt I would say.

The thing is that people do act in strange ways and you can't always work out what they're thinking just because you can't imagine why they'd act like that. It;s dangerous to make assumptions IMO.

You are definitely making assumptions about me and my DP which are off the mark. For example you say "I don't get the feeling that this bloke denies himself the latest in phone technology, do you"

I mean where do you get that from?! You're painting a picture in your head based on assumptions which have nothing to do with reality! My DP does have an old rubbish phone, and it is totally in keeping with his character, for just one example.

That's not to say he's not cheating. But that I need way more evidence than you to feel comfortable throwing our lives into chaos, and particularly DS, who lets face it has most at stake here.

In a parallel universe where society is made purely of mumsnetters, lets keep you away from any roles in the justice system! There would be vigilante groups roaming the streets and the prison population would be huge!

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:39

dittany you're right these threads are a way for me to let off steam, but it's not about denial, it's about working through my feelings and thoughts without going mad thinking about it on my own! I'm considering what to do. Last time this happened it ended with me confronting him. I'm not sure what to do this time yet, but I'll get there.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:46

He very rarely works late, and in fact he didn't stay late after all tonight.

"I thought the issue with the texts was from the other thread and had been resolved when OP discovered they were to one of his male freinds who has what could be either a male or female name."

That's right. In fact the text I'm suspicious of in his phone this time also comes from a person with a unisex name! (But as it has a x as the end I think most likely female.) I should ban him from spending time with people with unisex names! Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:49

Oh, perhaps that didn't make sense. I meant an x as in a kiss at the end of the text, not an x at the end of the name.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 01:53

nogreatexpectations FWIW you don't seem twee or naive at all. Your posts have been very helpful and insightful actually. I'm glad to hear you've been lucky Smile

OP posts:
bubbleymummy · 18/01/2011 06:11

sorry worriedbee haven't read the whole thread so someone else might have said this. Given that you're just back from holiday I think that his message could be a perfectly innocent response to someone asking how it was. I would want to know why the condom was there though!

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/01/2011 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 08:26

that's because it's a crap analogy Smile

AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 08:30

let's keep me off the streets of criminal justice, eh ?

and that's another crap analogy

this is a moral issue

and yes, if there were such a moral prison for fuckwit men who take the piss out of women, then mine would be full to bursting Smile

look, if you won't accept that he is treating you badly, and like you are a fool, then I will do it for you

whether you want to hear it, or not

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/01/2011 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 08:45

shiney why confused? My point is people jump to conclusions about stuff, and they're not always right.

Let's try a more straightforward analogy. My arsehole ex was jealous and saw evidence of me cheating which wasn't there. He accused me several times and it really wasn't pleasant to be on the receiving end of. It came from his own securities.

Anyway, I feel I'm getting bogged down in this point. I know it doesn't look good, I wouldn't be here debating the toss with you lot if I didn't. I'm not a fucking idiot.

But I don't see any way forward without knowing for sure. I simply cannot wreck my DS's family life on a hunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 08:51

Oops, own insecurities, obviously

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 18/01/2011 10:42

bubbleymummy it was the other way round - the text from a work colleague I think, but yes you're right, it could be the answer to an innocent question. However I've never heard of this work colleague, and he does usually tell me about his work colleagues AFAIK.

OP posts:
DameShirleyKnot · 18/01/2011 11:37

Bizarre.

I'm not sure what you want people to say?

dittany · 18/01/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 18/01/2011 12:26

I don't understand how you can stand to live like this OP. After 4 years of being unsure how he feels about you and suspecting he's cheating; without any trust I wouldn't be able to bear it.

To put it bluntly: from all your previous threads, it's looking highly likely that he cheats on you as regularly as opportunity allows, however you can't prove this so you intend to carry on minimising your feelings and excusing inexcusable behaviour.

Can you not see how damaging this situation is to you emotionally? Why does your emotional health and security factor so far down on your lsit of priorities?

dittany · 18/01/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mouseface · 18/01/2011 12:54

Bee - what are you afraid of here? Why not confront him, tell him how you're feeling? You can't live like this, surely?