condom in pocket. We're here again.

[worriedbee]

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

• the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.

• there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.

• he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess

• he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)

• he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger.

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

AnyFucker if he's stupid enough to not buy his own condoms, and then to leave them where I can find them, then I'll find proof eventually I'm sure.

nogreatexpectations you speak sense

"I get the impression that you may have doubted his feelings either before you got pregnant or at least when you discovered you were. Are you hand on heart honest to god sure you can say that he felt the same way about you as you did about him."

I have no idea what he really feels! He doesn't really share his feelings (I know previous girlfriends complained about this too, it's just the way he is). I'm used to being with heart-on-sleeve, head-over-heels-in-love guys who are incidentally fucking arseholes. He's not an arsehole, he's decent, intelligent, lovely. But will never spend a lot of time professing his undying love to me (or anyone) as it's just not what he's like. It doesn't help my self esteem though! (He does tell me his loves me, just not very often).

"Even if he is totally innocent you need to address your niggling fears and low self-esteem"

Yes, I do.

"I'm sure you would like us all to say, no it's fine, it will be ok" No, I don't, please don't! I hope it will all be OK, but in the meantime your candour is great, it really helps to talk it over.

He was prepared (in all senses), four years ago to have sex with another woman. Do you really think that in the period between then and now he's somehow changed?

Regardless of whether or not he's sleeping around, you don't feel happy and secure in the relationship.

Doesn't the constant worry exhaust you?

Do you really think this is all you deserve?

Can you stand feeling this way for the next decade, 20 years, 30?

AnyFucker if he's stupid enough to not buy his own condoms, and then to leave them where I can find them, then I'll find proof eventually I'm sure.

No you won't find "proof" because you will deny it, like all the other pointers you have denied.

Hold on, he has already got form how many times before, taking condoms out and admitting to looking for sex with others?

Usually I'd be on the side of caution, there could be an innocent explanation, but he has some bad previous form dosen't he?

I'm sure he'll have his story ready, you'll believe it and you'll be in the same position within the year.

Short of finding him knee deep in another woman, I don't know what proof it is you are after that he is just not faithful to you.

Worriedbee, sorry to hear you are having a hard time, it doesn't look good but like you said you need proof. I haven't read all the comments on here so don't know if this has already been mentioned but I would take a note of that telephone number and then when his mobile phone bill arrives there should be an itemised list of all the numbers used everytime he has sent a text and phone call, if that number appears a lot and you think there appears to be a bit of a pattern then I would get a friend to call that number to see who answers and take it from there. It's difficult though as it could even be a one night stand hence might not be too much phone action with this person. Good luck hope you get to the bottom of it soon, I don't think you will rest until you do.

I don't know.

If he has been caught out by you before, why is he being so careless?

If you do the washing and he leaves the condom in his pocket his brain is not engaged, is it?

He is not exactly trying to cover his tracks if he is up to no good.

Either he doesn't care if you find out ( assuming he is trying to play away) or he feels he can fob you off with another excuse.

I don't know what I would do. I am a pretty come straight out with it person, so i would probably confront. But if you do that, you need to have thought about what your position will be thereafter. if he confesses, is it over? If he lies again, what will you do?

You say that you are not happy to confront him again, and I can understand why you feel like that. The fact is though, that you just can't carry on with this doubt and worry.

What about just telling him that, because of the incident where he did take the condom out (the one he has admitted to), you are finding trust understandably difficult. Tell him that each time you stumble across worrying things, like a condom in his pocket, it makes you doubt his fidelity. Ask him how you can both move on from this, maybe counselling, certainly more openness between you both.

That way, you avoid openly confronting him, which you say you want to avoid, but he will be aware of what you have found, and he is going to have to discuss it with you.

I remember the other threads too and by my reckoning, this is the fourth time you've had justifiable suspicions.

Every time he managed to talk you round, his contempt for you increased. I suspect that's why he is being so careless now. I wouldn't need any proof now - the damage has been done. You don't need proof that you have been reduced to a hyper-vigilant, insecure shell of a woman. I'm hoping that's not what you wanted to become, so just tell him to go - and watch his actions afterwards.

"mouseface I was convinced last time that confronting him was the only way, and you're right it is eating me up. But I know what will happen - he'll deny it, convincingly, either because he is actually innocent or because he's a better liar than I've given him credit for. (I can usually tell when he's lying about other stuff). And I'll be back here."

Bee - I wish with all of my being that I could say to you I think he's innocent but it just doesn't feel that way from your posts.

This isn't a recent thing is it?

You've been here before, more than once.

Why are you letting him make you feel like this? Because you are you know, you are allowing him to make you doubt your own feelings, your own instincts.

Of course he'll deny it. Liars/cheating spouses usually do. Or the will drip feed the truth to you through rose tinted glasses if you are lucky.

This will be your fault, whatever 'this' is. You know that right?

You have to confront him, calmly. You have to ask. Otherwise this will build up and up inside you.

And worse, if he is up to no good, he'll think it is acceptable to keep 'getting away with it'

You owe it to yourself to find out if he is lying or not.

Worriedbee, It will be ok if you address your niggling fears and lack of self esteem, but only if

Maybe you should rewind to the start, take some time out together, create the time and space for him to open up a bit. Be honest with him, tell him you are struggling and feel unapreciated and need reassurance to know that what happened between you, would have happened without the accidental pregnancy. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if he did more to make you feel special and loved.Individual counselling for you might help. If you have always been with adoring men, it probably is hard to live with a rather more down to earth type. DH moans that I am not very sentimental and feels unsure of himself sometimes, I try harder to be more open and he tries to be less emotionally demanding.

The question of whether he is cheating is an easier thing to resolve in my opinion.

Your evidence (?) so far is a condom in his pocket but you admit that they are strewn around the bedroom and you have picked them off the floor and put them in your pocket before now. Why your pocket and not the drawer? Distracted, lazy, didn't think, lots of possible reason.

If he is cheating..... give him enough rope, he'll hang himself. Please don't feel influenced by the hang him and quarter him brigade If you are going to spend endless hours looking for evidence, you will find yourself creating it, where it isn't. How about keeping one eye on him and an open mind.

Oh just wanted to add worriedbee, that if you do address your self esteem and lack of confidence you will be in a better place to start dealing with the situation, even if he is having an affair, you will feel able to cope and move on.

I agree with you when you say you can't ruin your family and upset your son on suspicion alone.

"keeping one eye on him and an open mind." that's the plan. nogreatexpectations you still speak sense

It is starting to really do my head in though so we'll see. I can't concentrate. He's working late tonight so I'm suspicious of course, which is a shitty place to be in.

I had more to write but I think I need to think about / do something else for a little bit, this is really getting me down, I feel miserable . I'm picking DS up fiorm nursery in a bit, think I'll make a fuss of him and go do something nice instead, and come back to this later. Not burying my head in the sand people (before you start!) I just need a breather to get a bit of perspective.

Thanks for your advice people.

"Oh just wanted to add worriedbee, that if you do address your self esteem and lack of confidence you will be in a better place to start dealing with the situation, even if he is having an affair, you will feel able to cope and move on."

You're right I do need address my self esteem. Not sure how I go about that but I'll give it some thought.

Incidentslly I'm not scared of being on my own. I've got a property with great equity, I could support myself and DS and I know we'd be fine, I've dealt with a lot of crap in my time and this kind of stuff doesn't phase me, I know I'd be fine.

What I'm scare of is fucking up a good thing, and DS's relationship with his dad, because of crossed wires, my insecurities, and my DP's inability to communicate how he feels - which it is at least possible is the root of this.

keeping one eye on him and an open mind."

for how long ?

another four years

am not surprised in the slightest to see you constantly acknowledging NGE's posts at length but dismissing everybody else's by ignoring them or throwing cold water on them with a one-line reply

I sometimes wonder why people post if they are so blatantly opposed to listening to anything that doesn't fit in with what they want to hear

that is not to say I think you shouldn't be posting, OP, but it does make me wonder how many times you have to despair of the same situation before you start getting real and how you are driving away the very people that could give you the most insight

Actually no, the root of this is that DP did consider cheating at the beginning of the relationship. I didn't end the relationship then because - apparently - nothing actually happened and because of the way we got together, and because there was so much at at stake. But we've been together ages now, and he's made promises to be faithful now.

then why don't you trust him ?

why do you think this is all you deserve ? ... "It is starting to really do my head in though so we'll see. I can't concentrate. He's working late tonight so I'm suspicious of course, which is a shitty place to be in"

you said it, right there

Anyfucker but I'm simply not going to end my relationship just on the basis of suspicion! If we didn't have DS it would be different but there's too mcuh at stake. While there's a chance that my suspicions could be wrong I couldn't take that risk.

I'll find out eventually if he is, I'm sure.

Gotta go get DS now.

Hire a P.I then. I don't see that there's any other way you're going to get the proof you need.

Has anybody actually advised you to "end your relationship" wihout talking to him?

I think the vast majority of posters on your thread are confused as to why you appear unable to tackle him, and why it seems preferable to you that you bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away

It isn't "all or nothing" surely ? It appears you are putting that spin on it.

Are you afraid that if you do find something you will be obliged to end it, and you don't want to ?

If that is the case, expect to carry on feeling "shitty" for the foreseeable future.

There is too much at stake, your sanity and peace of mind.