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Original poster

condom in pocket. We're here again.

331 replies

worriedbee · 16/01/2011 17:40

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

  • the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.
  • there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.
  • he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess
  • he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)
  • he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger. Sad

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

OP posts:
lastresort · 16/01/2011 22:02

I've always been of the opinion that women have a 6th sense.
If you feel that something weird is going on then you are probably right.
Even if you ask him to tell you the truth, do you honestly think he will?
No, he will just keep lying because he knows you have no proof, only your gut instinct.
I went to a solicitor to get a divorce with my 'gut instinct' and the solicitor looked at me like I was a little bit crazy.
Get more proof if you can, for your own peace of mind if nothing else.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 22:08

LR...then your solicitor was shit

nobody has to stay married in this day and age when they have lost faith in their relationship

it might take a bit longer if there is no tangible "proof" but so what

just get out

perfumedlife · 16/01/2011 22:12

He has warped your mind so succesfully that you didn't throw him out for taking a condom to a work do. That surely to god was the time to tell him to go? He actually went prepared to have sex with someone, if that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is.

Get rid, he is a loser.

piratecat · 16/01/2011 22:12

hes a bit stupid, why can't he buy separate condoms and keep them somewhere else.

i am sorry op, but he is really taking the absolute fucking piss out of you.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 22:14

somebody is being monumentally stupid here

OP, don't let it be you

madonnawhore · 16/01/2011 22:16

OP is it because you know that once you open this can of worms there will be no way back? Is that why you are scared to confront the reality of this situation, because you're not ready to deal with the truth yet?

I do sympathise, but I think you're in denial and your self esteem is dissolving the longer this goes on.

piratecat · 16/01/2011 22:18

op i just read your other threads, i remember them too.

your thread in 2009 tells us that he has 'previous' from two years before, ie 2007.

Its now 2011. Sad

FlyingFig · 16/01/2011 22:26

I wonder how he'd feel if he'd found stray condoms in your handbag?

I think you need to confront him - the way he's behaved/behaving isn't good. Or nice Sad

lastresort · 16/01/2011 22:27

Problem is that without concrete evidence you tend to feel a bit of a twat ending a marriage on gut feeling. Sometimes you need to see proof to know its not all in your head.

madonnawhore · 16/01/2011 22:28

But surely there must come a point, after 4 years of doubt, where you think 'Proof or not, this man makes me feel desperately insecure and there is no trust in my marriage; I don't want to carry on like this'??

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 22:30

what proof though ?

you have to witness him actually using one of these stray condoms with another woman ??? Confused

even then he could say he accidentally fell on it...

you see my point ?

when the trust is gone, the relationship is over

and what MW said

FreudianSlipIntoMyLaptop · 16/01/2011 22:34

As per usual for pretty much every Relationships thread I've read on MN, I agree with everything AF said.

:(

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 22:34

any bloke that made me feel like this, over years doesn't deserve to be my partner

I can find another dodgy fuckwit, any time I like, they are ten-a-fucking-penny

I would rather give myself a chance of finding a bloke who respects me enough to not treat me like a mug, though

one man is worth this ?

no

perfumedlife · 16/01/2011 22:37

You have proof, he took a condom to a work do. That is all the proof you need, surely?

nogreatexpectations · 16/01/2011 23:19

"We weren't together long at all when I got pregnant by accident. I have never made him feel compelled to be with me, and have been very clear that I only want a relationship between us if it's real,"

But you may have made him feel compelled to be with you. If he is the decent and lovely man you say he is, he may have felt pressured because you were carrying his child.

The comment about "only if it's real", is quite telling. You seem to lack the conviction that it ever has been. I get the impression that you may have doubted his feelings either before you got pregnant or at least when you discovered you were. Are you hand on heart honest to god sure you can say that he felt the same way about you as you did about him.

Even if he is totally innocent you need to address your niggling fears and low self-esteem. I wonder if on some level you feel that you have trapped him and compelled him into staying with you.

After 3 condom incidents, one in which he admitted that he had taken it with the intention of using it, you seem desperate to make this work, I'm sure you would like us all to say, no it's fine, it will be ok, I don't think it will be Sad

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 23:25

OP...where have you gone

AnotherMumOnHere · 16/01/2011 23:37

"whether that is deliberate or not, he should not be deleting texts he should be doing everything he can to reassure you"

Can't agree with you on this one. Ive got an old phone which unlike the new ones nowadays doesnt hold 200+ but only has about 10-15 texts and if you dont delete the texts you wont be able to receive any. End of.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 23:39

OK, AMOH, fair point if this bloke has the exact same phone as you

Would you be happy with the rest of his behaviour ?

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 23:40

and tbh, I don't get the feeling that this bloke denies himself the latest in phone technology, do you ?

Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 23:43

nogreatexpectations you've hit the nail on the head.
" I wonder if on some level you feel that you have trapped him and compelled him into staying with you. "

Yes, I do, and this is an issue I'm very aware of. The relationship has been forced really, and what would have happened "naturally" we'll never know. Having said that we were really into each other at that point. He's a good man, I love him and when this issue isn't raising its ugly head we get on well. We have a nice life, good friends and plans about great stuff we want to do. I feel very lucky indeed. But sometimes I feel like I'm here under false pretences IYSWIM.

AnyFucker, yes, I do need proof - to my mind at least, that he has actually used one of them.

Flyingfig "I wonder how he'd feel if he'd found stray condoms in your handbag?"

Well there's a thing actually. I do have some condoms in one of my bags as I was given some free ones while out and haven't bothered to put them in the drawer. There's zero ill intent there, just laziness. I also had some in my pocket for a while from tidying up.
If DP had found them I'm pretty sure he'd know the explanation was innocent however.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 23:48

how do you propose to get this "proof" ?

and what would you classify as "proof" ?

a confession from him ?

nope, not gonna happen

catching him in flagrante is your best chance, right ?

is that something you want to put yourself through ?

Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 23:48

shiney I don't know he's cheated. There's no way I'll kick him out on suspicion alone. That's not fair on DS for a start and secondly it would be a fucking tragedy if it turned out to be unfounded. But thanks for the love, much appreciated Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 23:54

madonnawhore I've never found receipts. Are you maybe confusing me with someone else (or have I forgotten?!) I posted on this under worriedbee and worriedbeeagain.

pulapula this is the second condom in a pocket. There's also an occasion (unresolved) where I thought one had gone. DP denied all knowledge, very convincingly.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 17/01/2011 00:01

lastresort. That should be a reason Smile
I don't have to worry about solicitors etc. The house is in my name, we're not married.

mouseface I was convinced last time that confronting him was the only way, and you're right it is eating me up. But I know what will happen - he'll deny it, convincingly, either because he is actually innocent or because he's a better liar than I've given him credit for. (I can usually tell when he's lying about other stuff). And I'll be back here.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 17/01/2011 00:03

"Problem is that without concrete evidence you tend to feel a bit of a twat ending a marriage on gut feeling. Sometimes you need to see proof to know its not all in your head."

That's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
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