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Original poster

condom in pocket. We're here again.

331 replies

worriedbee · 16/01/2011 17:40

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

  • the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.
  • there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.
  • he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess
  • he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)
  • he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger. Sad

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 16/01/2011 18:31

Bee, he is not a lovely bloke.

He might be a personable one. But any guy who takes a condom to a works do is not a great guy.

sungirltan · 16/01/2011 18:33

lemondifficult - thats what i'd do - but then i'd rather know, wouldnt trust the dp to tell the truth :-(

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 16/01/2011 18:34

worriedbee - sorry you are worried :(

I woudn't confront him, if he is cheating he will just lie to you (again??). You either need more proof or to just decide you can't live like this anymore.

If you decide you can't live like this anymore you need to either separate or work on how to build more trust.

I have been there done that and couldn't rebuild the trust, eventually it killed the relationship, but it took a few years.

There are several reasons why there could be a condom in his pocket and the text quite possibly means nothing... only continuing to gather more evidence will answer those questions - he certainly wont.

You can't keep confronting him because if he isn't cheating it's killing your relationship or he'll think he's getting blamed for it, he might as well be doing it OR he is cheating on you and everytime you confront him he's getting away with it which makes it easier for him to keep doing it.

:(

In your position I would separate, I wouldn't live my life like that again, but I had to learn my own lesson and couldn't be told by others who had been there before me x

Teaandcakeplease · 16/01/2011 18:35

My H was tempted a number of times and never did cheat, after we separated he said I always knew when he was tempted and became suspicious. He said I was always spot on. Sadly eventually the opportunity arose again and he began a full fledged affair and in the end, when I'd had suspicions again for months then I caught him out by accident. We're now divorced.

What did you guys do the first time you caught him out and he admitted taking one to a works do? What have you done to work on the marriage and what has he done to work through why he's tempted?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 16/01/2011 18:36

x-posted

Then get your concrete evidence, but don't alert him to it.

AND use condoms everytime yourself - just in case and I'd avoid oral sex too.

Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 18:43

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak your post is exactly how I feel. Right up until the "I would separate bit" which threw me, but made me think. I know it's a possibility, but I'm not going there without evidence, like you.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 16/01/2011 18:47

I'm sorry, I think he's up to something or wants to be up to something.

The room is a tip - he doesn't tidy it but picks up one condom and puts it into his pocket?

You've been on holiday so he puts one condom into his pocket in case you have sex?

I think the reason you feel like this is because you are picking up subliminal messages that he is fooling around. When you eventually find out what's been going on, everything will fall into place.

I wouldn't trust him an inch and would be looking at ways of finding out what he's up to.

SudalivefromHMP · 16/01/2011 19:12

Yeah ok stay like me then - kept thinking mine would change (violent bully not a cheat) and I stayed with him over 20 years 'for the kids etc'. Will regret all those wasted years till the day I die - and you know what ? the kids I stayed with him for - neither of them have a relationship with him at all as adults now - of their own choice - no negative input from me.

He's admitted 'wanting' to do it before - and even if you believe thats as far as it went - is that not enough of a betrayal - he'd taken that leap in mind if not in body and I believe you can be emotionally unfaithful i.e. get really into somebody else even if you dont actually do the dirty deed.

Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 19:26

SudalivefromHMP I can empathise totally with your "wasted years" comment but with my ex. I wasted 5 years with him.

Even if he is cheating there's no way DS wouldn't have a good relationship with him - or I would see it as wasted years. We have a beautiful DC who has had a great start to life in a happy home. If things have to change then so be it, but I wouldn't regret the last few years.

I don't want him to change. I want to know the truth.

OP posts:
SudalivefromHMP · 16/01/2011 19:33

Well I just dont want you or anyone for that matter to waste years on someone who is not deserving of their love and years - yes surely your DCs would still have a good relationship with him and rightly so but its not a reason to stay with a man it looks like you will never be able to fully trust. Theres a saying - 'where there's no trust there's no love. Sorry I'm just one of the very cynical as some of the others on this thread are. Just IMO though from reading your OP. I wish you all the best whatever the outcome though really - am not as heartless as I probably sounded.

Huffymuffy · 16/01/2011 19:40

Wingdad?? Seriously? I'm very careful never to put x into texts to male friends. Not because I'm a dodgy girl, but I wouldn't want anyone other than DH to think I want to kiss them!
Back to OP, leave it on top of the washing machine with a pile of other assorted pocket crap. See if it comes up.

Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 19:41

No worries you don't sound heartless! I completely feel the same about my ex, thank goodness we didn't have kids. Thank goodness you have escaped your ex.

I can't leave my lovely DP on the basis of suspicion though. It would have to be fact.

OP posts:
snowpoint · 16/01/2011 19:42

I think you're being incredibly positive about this. I really hope it comes to nothing and that there's a rational explanation.

If he's cheating on you, he's also cheating on your dc, and that's a hard realisation if you believe he's a good father. No decent man would jeopardise the future of their relationship and stable family life for some physical gratification.

The sooner you can find out the truth, the better. I really feel for you.

Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 19:42

Left it on the chest of drawers. Doubt he'll even notice though tbh.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 19:57

I remember your old thread

The problem here is that you still don't trust him after the last bout of dodgy behaviour and he hasn't sufficiently reassured you that he isn't looking for extra marital sex by addressing what went wrong (with him) last time

hence, your so-called "unfounded" accusations of further cheating

if your suspicions were raised, you were probably correct in your assumptions, tbh

but although you say you wouldn't "throw away" your marriage because of yet another indiscretion on his part...where is his responsibilty in this ?

he packs condoms/puts condoms in his pocket for no reason/calls you crazy when you accuse him/makes you look and feel like a paranoid thing

but what is he doing to reassure you ???

fuck all I would say

there is the rub

why are you taking all the responsibilty here ?

and are you happy to live in a relationship where the trust has been destroyed by a person who is showing very litle interest in making it better ?

Mouseface · 16/01/2011 20:14

Exactly AF

If you are at this point in your relationship again Bee, it's for a reason.

You clearly don't trust him and FWIW, with good reason.

Like AF says, where is the reassurement following your previous accusations?

What are you going to do next?

How long are you going to leave this?

You've posted about it, it must be eating you up not knowing.

Sorry you are going through this but I think you need to value yourself more.

If this isn't the first time you have doubted him, how long can your relationship survive before he does do something?

If he thinks he can behave in this way (assuming he is thinking/palnning to get up to no good) then he will IYSWIM.

You can't sweep in under the carpet and hope 'it' will all go away.

Time to confront him and take control of this relationship.

Original poster
worriedbee · 16/01/2011 20:43

He didn't call me crazy though. He said all the right things when I confronted him last time. He denied anything was happening but there was no suggestion it was me being mental, he did totally get that it was fall out from his behaviour before and was really good about it.

Do you know what though there was no absolute sinking feeling this time, like the first time. I just thought "you idiot".

We weren't together long at all when I got pregnant by accident. I have never made him feel compelled to be with me, and have been very clear that I only want a relationship between us if it's real, there's no point in it if it's just for DS. I went over this with him last time - if he doesn't want to be in this relationship I'll be sad but I won;t hold it against him as we launched into parenthood and a serious relationship without any planning or asking if it is what either of us actually wanted until after I got pregnant (we both said it was what we wanted when we found out I was up the duff).

If he wants out he only needs to say so. We'll find a way to parent DS (it's not what I want but we'll make it work).

But if he is cheating on me then I won't be feeling so fucking reasonable, especially after I have been.

OP posts:
pulapula · 16/01/2011 20:51

worriedbee - I have looked at your old thread and all this suspicion can't be good for you. If i've got the whole story, 2 condoms have gone missing (one which he admits he took and then returned and the other which you dismiss as a concern since when you thought he might be cheating he was meeting up with an old male friend). Just because the first one wasn't used doesn't mean he didn't have sex, either unprotected or with protection the other party supplied. And it doesn't mean there haven't been other occasions. You say he doesn't have time/opportunity to sleep around, but are you confident of that?

You say you need solid proof- that will be hard to get if he deletes all his text messages!. I think you need to confront him and explain how it all looks. As he lied to you before, he may well do again, but hopefully you will know him well enough to see if he's squirming. And if he makes you feel bad for being suspicious, you need to point out that his behaviour has resulted in this suspicion, and unless he behaves "normally" e.g. not deleting texts all the time and being open about who he has met up with etc, then he's not helping the situation.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 21:12

he may not have said "you are crazy" but the implication is there

he is certainly treating you like you are stupid

this is the second "stray condom" incident and still he acts all innocent

I don't think so

he is manipulating you into feeling like you can't tackle him about it

before you know it, you really will feel like you are crazy

you certainly won't feel like you know your arse from your elbow being forced into living with such suspicion and mistrust

why bother ?

AnyFucker · 16/01/2011 21:17

btw, I don't think it is "behaving normally" to have not one, but two stray condom incidents

the text hiding is just a further way to make you feel paranoid

whether that is deliberate or not, he should not be deleting texts he should be doing everything he can to reassure you

which includes not having stray condoms on his person

again

for the second time

it's like a fucking parody, honestly

just walk away

Portofino · 16/01/2011 21:18

Hmmm. Now my dh travels a lot, sometimes with female colleagues. He has never once exhibited any behaviour that has made me suspicious of an affair. Op seems to have come across numerous "pointers" that something is not right.....I could not live without that trust. I would be confronting him about this.

Mouseface · 16/01/2011 21:26

Bee

You need to get this out in the open. For your own peace of mind.

Even if you said to him, 'You'll never guess what I found in the laundry today'

Watch his reaction, read him when you ask him.

1 stray condom is unlucky. 2 stray condoms points to more than bad luck.

WRT the text, he told you he deletes them often due to the lack of memory in his phone.

If he was up to no good, wouln't he have covered his tracks by deleting that one too?

Or does he think you'd never check his phone?

Confront him.

pulapula · 16/01/2011 21:29

bee - am i right in thinking this is the third condom incident or have I read your old thread wrong?

madonnawhore · 16/01/2011 21:39

Oh sweetheart, I remember both your other threads and have just read your OPs on both of them again.

I'm afraid it doesn't look good. As AF has said, he ought to be doing everything within his power to prove to you that he is innocent of cheating and worthy of your trust. Instead he's manipulated the situation so that you barely even know your own mind and feel unable to confront him despite the receipts for gifts you never saw, the strange texts, condoms hidden in his stuff, the phone with no text history that never leaves his side...

To an outsider it's obvious that he's worthy of deep, deep suspicion. It's awful to watch you try and rationalise all this away. Your intuition has been screaming at you for over a year now. This is no way to live, you have to confront him and ask him wtf is going on.

RumourOfAHurricane · 16/01/2011 21:58

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