condom in pocket. We're here again.

[worriedbee]

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

• the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.

• there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.

• he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess

• he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)

• he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger.

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

NoGreatExpectations, was it here that I read of a wife who walked in on her H in bed with another woman and the H said "This is not what you think it is" or words to that effect?

In other words, I believe there is no way this man is going to fess up even if WB has photos of him in flagrante delicto, because I think he is getting a great kick out of seeing WB twisting in the breeze, and getting away with his deceitful adventures. Delaying confrontation until she has proof (whatever that means) will only give him the opportunity to further insult her intelligence and make mincemeat of her self esteem and sanity.

"I think he is getting a great kick out of seeing WB twisting in the breeze, and getting away with his deceitful adventures."

I'm sorry but what a load of utter bollocks. And it is helpful - how exactly?

It's this kind of stuff that makes me actually.

You are making huge assumptions about someone you've never met, and have heard of second hand through this thread.

Some of you are like some fucking vigilante mob.

If my DP is cheating, he's doing it because he's not happy in the relationship and hasn't got the guts to face up to it. not because he's actually enjoying hurting me. That is so out of character it's laughable, but it is actually quite a hurtful thing to say, mathanxiety.

You'll just have to take my word for that, as I actually know the guy, well, and all you have is a picture you've painted in your head.

"People on this thread have told her what to look for and how to look for it but she doesn't want to know."

eh? How do you know this exactly? Another assumption.

I have been checking all sorts, but found nothing. I just haven't been back here every five minutes to tell you about it. Like I said before I'm way more devious than him. If he is cheating I'll catch him eventually, I'm sure of it.

It's not nice, but it's what I have decided to do, to try to get to the truth.

FWIW you don't need to put dots on condoms - they have serial numbers.

"Come on, open your eyes. All this pussy footing around is unhealthy." and do what exactly?

I have already said, I'm not willing to leave him without proof. And I am quite capable of confronting him, but at the moment I don't see what good it will do - he will just deny it.

So, what does that mean, exactly?

I know it doesn't look good. I am doing what I think is the right thing, to get to the truth.

How is that so hard to understand?

"Are you actively looking for more evidence?" yes, I am. That was always the plan.

"(I think you said very early on that you had left the condom on the side to see his reaction to it, or did you change your mind and hide it again"

no, it's still there.

"You seem committed to staying together whatever the price to you as he is DS's father and you are aware of the behaviour of a cheating partner as you have done so yourself ( that is said without any judgemnent btw)."

No, I just would need to be satisfied in my mind that he is definitely cheating before I could leave with a clear conscience. I am not there right now.

"This issue of Ds's father is clearly incredibly important to you above all else. What was your relationship with your own fatehr and what were the circumstances in which you grew up?"

My dad is lovely, we have a great relationship. My parents are together.

"If my DP is cheating, he's doing it because he's not happy in the relationship and hasn't got the guts to face up to it."

WB - I don't think that the only reason people cheat is because they're not happy in their relationship.

Why are you so angry with everyone on this thread who is giving their time to try and help you? Why aren't you angry with your 'D'P who is the one giving you cause to doubt him so much so that you have come on here - again - to talk about it?

WB I think posters on here are frustrated that you are waiting for evidence that your H is straying when the evidence is already there.

He is carrying condoms around in his pocket.

You seem to think this is OK as long as he doesn't ever get to use them.

You also seem to think that the times you have found them are the only times he has ever had them in there.

You have posted with a problem that needs to be addressed and yet you refuse to address it. Now you say we are making assumptions - we're not, we're making judgements based on the information you have given us. That's the point of the forum, isn't it?

Tbh I think we have run out things to say. Most if not all of us think you should have a better, happier life than counting condoms and noting their serial numbers (!). And of course the endless waiting....waiting....waiting...for your husband to provide irrefutable evidence of his infidelity.

We all sympathise but OP you are doing nothing to help yourself.

I missed something out of that post - you think it's ok he goes around carrying condoms as long as he never gets to use them. >> You are assuming he never gets to use them.

mummery, that is an excellent post.

OP.... why are you getting the hump? You posted. You wanted advice.

You're acting as if people don't have a right to comment on your life and your relationship and that we're all interfering bitches.

But YOU put it out there for discussion.

If so it's because I've been there. I've dated liars and known they were lying and wasted months looking for proof when really it's enough to say "you're lying to me, fuck off."

Even when married with kids...at least saying this would bring these issues to a head.

FWIW WB one of my examples was an ex who I found on dating sites while we were together. I confronted him about it (we met online and I'd found him on similar sites with the same username and pretty much the same bio), he said someone must have 'stolen his ID'. I chose to believe him and stayed with him but (and this must be some sort of emotional contradiction in terms) continued searching for evidence of his deception. Usually in the early hours, because I couldn't rest for thinking about it.

Which rather parallels you and your condom-based detective work.

I found my evidence eventually but what was the point in all that lost sleep and humiliation? The feeling of stupidity that ensued? I already knew P was lying and cheating. You already know know your H is lying and cheating. OP Why are you believing his daft little stories over the evidence of your own instinct, your own eyes?

I'm getting the hump because people are attacking me - or at least that's what it feels like from here - because of false assumptions.

For example:

"you think it's ok he goes around carrying condoms as long as he never gets to use them"

What bollocks! I don't think that at all!

"you are doing nothing to help yourself."

Also bollocks. I am trying to see if I can find any evidence. Last time I posted on this, I said I was going to confront him, and there were a fair few people saying don't do it, collect more evidence. So I'm not alone in thinking this is a reasonable thing to do.

"I found my evidence eventually but what was the point in all that lost sleep and humiliation?"

Can you remember why?

I have explained that I couldn't leave with a clear conscience without being totally sure, and you lot can call me an idiot until the cows come home, that won't change.

I have a tiny little headache

I am going to drink Japanese wine in future

WB , this is my way of saying I am not going to comment further on your relationship, but will stick around

izzy thanks, appreciated

I mean Japanese beer

bloody hell

Good plan to stick to the beer Saki's pretty strong stuff, isn't it?!

Thanks AF.

For the sticking around bit, I mean.

But you are sure that either he is already shagging around or looking for opportunities to shag around!

Do you make a distinction between the two, or is one ok in your mind while the other isn't?

If so tell us now and put us all out of our misery!

There are many reasons why people stay with partners who are mistreating them. My own reasons (as far as I can make out) were that I didn't want to be alone (he was my first partner in 3 yrs ie since having my child), we had a lot of fun (when I wasn't wondering where he'd been the night before), I relished the company and companionship, plus the fact I couldn't believe that someone who said he loved me/wanted to live with me/wanted to marry me could lie like a cunt every single day we were together.

You seem to think that when you confront your H about these suspicious condom and texting incidents that he is going to tell you the truth. That if he was being unfaithful, he would right come out and say so.

But he wouldn't, OP.

I remember so clearly lying in bed with my ex after I'd confronted him with having found his old internet dating profile back online. We had a long, long chat and I also brought up various other inconsistencies in his behaviour and explanations for other suspicious events going back months. We talked for hours and he covered himself at every convoluted turn. At the end of the conversation I said, "Do you realise, if you're lying to me about all this, you are essentially a psychopath, and you need help?" He just laughed and said "Yeah, I know."

He was lying and he was a total loon in many more ways than that. I'm not saying your husband's psychotic. But there is something wrong here, in his behaviour, in your response to his behaviour, and in your marriage in general. You need to protect yourself.

PS I had a thread like this myself (approx 3yrs ago, under another username) where I was getting very insightful advice and I chose to ignore it, in his favour. I won't tell you how my situation turned out because it was a lot worse than him shagging people off the internet and it almost ruined me.

great post, mummery

hope you are in a much better place now

Yeah well like everyone I still make poor judgements here and there but I like to think I learnt something from the experience about not ignoring instinct, clues, warnings, evidence. There are always posters like me and WB on MN, however this ends one day she will likely be telling her story to another MNetter.

true

and there are always men who will treat you badly if you let them < bitter experience >

So the actual shagging is the thing, is it? Until you have proof he has exchanged bodily fluids with another woman, you couldn't possibly take issue with any of this? You'll just keep quite in case he thinks you are being unreasonable.

The fact he went off on a night out with a condom in his pocket and that he admitted he was thinking about shagging a colleague...and now you find an unexplained condom in his pokcet again...this behaviour, these obvious intentions in his mind...they aren't 'proof'? Will you have to walk in on him with his dick elsewhere to be satisfied that it is he who is a shit, and not you who are delusional?

He has got you right where he wants you, hasn't he?