condom in pocket. We're here again.

[worriedbee]

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

• the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.

• there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.

• he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess

• he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)

• he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger.

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

Hi Worriedbee, have you carried them about in your bag and in your pockets? you mentioned that you had been unfaithful in previous relaionships.

I would suggest she looked at every possible explanation, dig around for other evidence, do what ever she needed to satisfy her self that she knew the truth, talk to her DH....... but I would never tell a friend what to do.

Unless you are your friend is in the habit of meeting him for impromptu assignations after work, he doesn't need to take them with him to work. Sorry but why are you is your friend continuing to give him the benefit of the doubt ? His behaviour is suspicious, almost to the point of him flaunting it, and deserves to be challenged. But you already know that...

WB...why do you keep going back to "but you are telling me to leave him"

not everyone is saying to go that far, but you are still not listening

it seems you have decided not to leave him and so are looking to people to say it's ok to bury your suspicions

except you can't

and it isn't ok

Oh, I see you've already answered that perfumedlife.

Anyfucker"was that mean to be a different scenario than the one you have posted ?"

Yes, it is a totally different scenario. The scenario above is actually about me. I've switched the gender roles, but if DP had snooped, then that's what he would have found on me. So, if he'd asked you lot for advice (and listened) he would have dumped me long ago!

malinky " There is no possible innocent explanation that I can think of."

Well, perhaps you lack imagination.

But, you see, I have had condoms in my pockets twice, after tidying up / sorting through stuff, and they stayed there for a while.

And I worked on an event where free condoms were being given out. I grabbed a load to take home but I kept forgetting to take them out of my work bag, and they were there for weeks!

If my DP had looked in my work bag, he would have found a load of condoms which he didn't recognise, and then if he'd asked you lot for advice I would have been out the door!

You lot are so quick to jump to conclusions (I don't really mean about my DP - I mean about what I'm thinking and where I'm coming from).

For the record, I think that it is certainly possible that my DP is cheating. However I am not going to be sure unless I have evidence. That is the way I am, you're not going to get me to budge on that one. To leave someone on the basis of unconfirmed suspicion is to invite another sort of tragedy into my life IMO, and not something I would ever do.

I don't understand why you have asked for opinions and advice if you don't want to take any on board and you have already decided how you are going to tackle the matter.

If you had free condoms in your bag for weeks, as a stand alone incident, it wouldn't be a big deal. But it's the fact condomgate is becoming a regular occurance that makes it very suspect.

I would speed up your conclusions if I were you, this is your life ticking away, spent in agonised wonder and doubt. Some life.

you're not going to get me to budge on that one.

we don't need you to do anything

we aren't in your marriage

you seem very attached to this thread though, for someone who has firmly made up their mind

you need to stop trying to convince us

we ain't buyin' it

I'm not trying to bury my suspicions.

Nor am I denying that it looks bad!

But, I seem to have ended up in the bizarre situation where I suspect my DP but am defending him to you lot!

The point we differ on is whether you can be sure on the basis of the evidence I've found, and I don't think you can be 100% sure - but that is my character. I am like that in all aspects of life. (Possibly why my job is science-related, and I would hazard a guess yours aren't.)

But really it's a mute point.

I really object to the assumptions about me however.

"looking to people to say it's ok to bury your suspicions"

or that I'm like a child going tra laa laa - how fucking offensive.

I'm certainly open to hearing other's opinions, and some of the most useful posts for me have been quite challenging.

But I am really starting to feel badgered by some of you tbh.

"you seem very attached to this thread though, for someone who has firmly made up their mind"

What is it you think I've made my mind up about?

I find this thread useful to sort out what I'm thinking, before I act.

Why are you here AF?

you came back to your own thread with another question (that was exactly the same as the first)

< shrug >

perfumedlife but if my partner snooped on me, then there would have been 3 separate incidents, at least - don't you get it?!

shall I leave your thread ?

and not post on any of your future ones ?

Can you see that in the scenario I gave, you would all say that the person was guilty, but in actual fact it wasn't true. I can say that categorically as it was about me.

You are - so far - avoiding answering this one.

So what are you planning on doing because I am confused, You suspect your dp of cheating as you have done in the past so you post on here for opinions only to say that your going to do what exactly nothing,something give him the benefit of the doubt (as you have previously done) then if it happens again you will be back on here looking for opinions.

AnyFucker do what you like. I don't really mind if you stay, or go.

I found your posts helpful at first, and previously also. I asked if people thought I was naive to suspect anything other than the worst, and I certainly got my answer!

However I have found your continued badgering of me uncomfortable tbh.

Do what you like - I am a big girl, I have a thick skin and can take what you dish out.

But it would be good if you could please think about what I've said. You have a strong personality, you post here a lot and I worry that others might be upset by you when actually you're jumping the gun.

Also, please can you answer my point about the scenario. Do you admit that sometimes, "evidence" of cheating isn't all it seems?

BTW please can you all get your heads round the fact I'm NOT trying to say my DP is innocent. I am trying to show why - for me at least - ending a relationship with this "evidence" alone isn't possible.

look, if you have made your mind up there is a perfectly logical reason for all your husband's behaviours, then good for you

you still haven't asked your husband what his explanation is though have you ?

isn't that is important here ?

instead you are theorising and making up all sorts of excuses for him

< thinks that WB must live in a strange rubbery world where everyone seems very attached to their johnnies >

anyway, I suspect my slow typing will cross a post with you that says "yes, actually, be a good girl and get the hell off my thread"

I wasn't avoiding answering, I was off reading your other thread.

You seemed so sure in mid December tha all was well, and you were going to talk this over with dh after New Year to dispell the small, lingering doubt.

And before you got the chance to, bang, another condom.

Who on earth would believe it?

You have a strong personality, you post here a lot and I worry that others might be upset by you when actually you're jumping the gun.

what others ??

wornoutbutstillwonderful I don't see what I can do other than look for more evidence. The last three times I have confronted him, he reassured me. Either he's telling me the truth or he isn't I don't see what good confronting him again will do.

So. I will see what I can find out. It's not nice, but I'm out of other ideas. I may crack and confront him again, but it's certainly not the plan atm.

this isn't about me, really it isn't

"what others ??" I am talking about mumsnet in general, not just this thread, of course.

Can one of you admit that you jump the gun re my scenario?!

"You still haven't said why you are so committed to a relationship which causes you so much anguish and worry. It does that to you whether or not he's unfaithful to you."

I would have thought that was obvious - because I love the man, and he's DS's dad

"Well you may not be aware of it, but that seems to be what you are using these threads for - so you can let of steam and then find a list of rationalisations not to deal with the issue right in front of you - that you don't trust your husband and that he gives you reasons not to trust him." It's an interesting thought, and one I will think about.

"you trying to turn it back on AnyFucker instead of taking on board what she's saying."

No, AF has just annoyed me.

What she seems to be saying (correct me if I'm wrong) is that my DP is definitely cheating.

Look if I think my DP is definitely cheating then it's time for him to move out, and for me to get on with bringing up DS on my own. I will not do that without proof. Why's that so hard to understand?