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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

condom in pocket. We're here again.

331 replies

worriedbee · 16/01/2011 17:40

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

  • the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.
  • there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.
  • he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess
  • he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)
  • he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger. Sad

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/01/2011 20:07

have never had Japanese beer

I have had a vast quantity of Aussie rose though (but not this evening... yet )

Original poster
worriedbee · 21/01/2011 20:07

madonnawhore please!

I have found nogreatexpectations' posts very helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedbee · 21/01/2011 20:08

It's nice, AF Grin

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 21/01/2011 20:09

You could always go on the pill so there is no need for condoms...

AnyFucker · 21/01/2011 20:09

what you drinking it with ?

fish and chips ? Grin

FortunateHamster · 21/01/2011 20:17

WB, the thing about you having condoms on you is that your partner isn't insecure about your fidelity.

Your partner knows (unless I have read incorrectly, in which case sorry), that you have found condoms on him at least once, if not three times. After the third time he should've been very careful to not 'accidentally' carry condoms around on him.

I would be very alarmed if my DH had a condom in his pocket, there is just no need for one to be there unless he had been tidying our room recently. Now I know you said this is a possibility - and again normally I would say just ask him straightaway, but I can also see why you want more evidence.

However you can't keep going as you are. Are you actively looking for more evidence? Because I think it sounds like you need to either ask, or dig.

The posters here just want to help. Imo, they just don't want to see you do nothing while your partner keeps on carrying condoms around with him for whatever reason. Of course it's your relationship, so your decisions, but you did invite opinion.

I really hope you can sort it out.

nogreatexpectations · 21/01/2011 20:20

Madonna, my name is due to the fact that I am reading Dickens! nothing to do with my life, which is fine,since you ask. You are right in one respect only, my writing is crap but my maths and logic are great.

Useing logic, I think that if OP confronts DH with dodgy unproven accusations, he will cover his tracks and lay so much guilt on her that it will be impossible to confront him, if and when she really needs to.

BellaMagnificat · 21/01/2011 20:21

WB

I don't always agree with AF, by any means, she's pretty strong medicine at times. On this thread though I do agree with her.

I find it interesting that you seemingly derailed your own thread after her very relevent post of 1707 - with the alternative condom scenrario.

You seem committed to staying together whatever the price to you as he is DS's father and you are aware of the behaviour of a cheating partner as you have done so yourself ( that is said without any judgemnent btw).

This issue of Ds's father is clearly incredibly important to you above all else. What was your relationship with your own fatehr and what were the circumstances in which you grew up?

Bear in mind that at law, prosecutors need to satiusfy themselves that there is a realistic prospect of a successful conviction in order to charge someone with any offence.

That is considered a pretty high test. But even that is not the ultimate, incontrovertible proof you seem to be seeking.

Original poster
worriedbee · 21/01/2011 20:22

pasta. That well-known Japanese dish Grin

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 21/01/2011 20:35

WB, you called nogreatex 'the voice of reason' and then she went on to say: "Please girls, I haven't met a man yet who could abuse me mentally. Why, because most just don't have the mental capacity!"

Do you still think that's reasonable? Anyone who can hold an opinion like that after reading some of the threads on here about emotional abuse is either pathologically lacking in empathy or is a complete moron.

I can't believe I'm the only one to have picked up on it.

The only thing that will make you leave your shit marriage is proof that your H is cheating and you think someone like nogreatex is the voice of reason.

I feel like I am taking crazy pills. No wonder AF has turned to drink. I might join her.

pikachu999 · 21/01/2011 20:37

worriedbee you made some remark earlier about your job being in science and therefore you see things differently to the rest of us on the thread. Well my job is in statistics and I would say there is enough evidence to reject the null hypothesis that he is not playing away. And your condom scenario is not the same, as you can easily explain why you had them. He can't.

I don't think you should leave him just like that, but you should either make him aware that you are on to him (I think you said very early on that you had left the condom on the side to see his reaction to it, or did you change your mind and hide it again), or else do some proper detective work (you say he's either with you or at work but have you checked he is working when he says he is?)

perfumedlife · 21/01/2011 20:43

madonnawhore, I did pick up on it too, it's just that I have given up on this. Another week has gone by and worriedbee doesn't seem to have done any digging.

I know when I'm beat.

nogreatexpectations · 21/01/2011 21:00

"The only thing that will make you leave your shit marriage"

I think telling someone that there marriage is shit lacks empathy.

I am making the point that I wouldn't put up with "mental", emotional or physical abuse, because I do have self esteem. Where is yours madonna, you put up with it for 7 years. Why?

Sometimes peoples opinions are so clouded by their own personal experiences. OP admitted that she lacked self esteem, that is what she really needs to work on. How can we help her, not bitch and meddle to try and ensure the outcome mirrors our own life experiences.

I have read a lot of excellent advice here on these threads. Many people say that you can't take responsibility for the actions of others and it's not your fault when a man has an affair. You can't change other people but you can decide to either change yourself or your situation, great advice, but first you need reason, conviction and self belief.

madonnawhore · 21/01/2011 21:10

"I am making the point that I wouldn't put up with "mental", emotional or physical abuse, because I do have self esteem."

But that doesn't square with the advice you're giving OP because you're essentially advising her to do exactly that: put up with mental abuse.

If you had any understanding, not necessarily experience; just understanding, of mental abuse you'd know that it is insidious and often goes on for years and years before the victim has that 'lightbulb' moment and realises that actually, they're not crazy, and it's not their fault that their partner is a horrible bully, and they don't have to put up with it.

My self esteem is fine now that I've escaped my mindfuck relationship. I do wonder how healthy your own self esteem is though when, judging by the advice you've given to OP, you seem to have such low standards yourself.

madonnawhore · 21/01/2011 21:15

Nice victim-blaming subtext to your post as well.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2011 21:25

this wine is very nice < hic >

nogreatexpectations · 21/01/2011 21:26

Madonna, mine is fine, actually what I mostly concern myself with is the self esteem and confidence of my sons. I am lucky, I feel almost Blush. I am sorry you have had such a terrible experience and glad you have come out of it to have a better life, like everyone you deserve better.

I am not advising OP to put up and shut up. There is always the possibility that someone who lacks self esteem can never quite trust their partner, will constantly read into the actions of others some duplicity. This is because the person doesn't trust their own judgements and feels unworthy of the others love.

If Worriedbee wants to look for more evidence, would it not be better for all of you with some experience to tell her what she should be looking for?

madonnawhore · 21/01/2011 21:30

People on this thread have told her what to look for and how to look for it but she doesn't want to know.

If it was me, I'd be checking the phone, calling the number on the text message, marking the condoms at home to see if any were going missing...

In fact, no I wouldn't. If there was such a lack of trust and communication in my relationship that I felt I had no choice but to do those things then I would probably give up and walk away.

Like I am doing with this thread. We're all on a hiding to nothing here, OP included.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2011 21:40

MW...come join me with the plonk

it will make your tongue curl up, but it numbs the mind Grin

madonnawhore · 21/01/2011 21:41

Cheers AF!

malinkey · 21/01/2011 21:45

WB - would you be happy if you knew that your DP didn't have or wasn't looking for a permanent OW but was looking for opportunistic shags with his pockets full of condoms whenever he gets the chance?

If you don't mind then it doesn't really matter. But from what you said earlier it sounds like you would care but that's also what you suspect.

CockneySparra · 21/01/2011 21:59

Fucking hell. What sort of self delusion is this?

OP, he went on a work do with a condom in his pocket before, right? SLEAZY CHEATING BASTARD ALERT.

Seriously. He has given you a very clear sign - as clear as bloody day - that he is willing to go out with the intention of shagging someone else. You are now living in constant suspicion of him - becaus eof his untrustworthy behaviour, not because you are some sort of paranoid freako.

This is fucked up.

Come on, open your eyes. All this pussy footing around is unhealthy.

elizadoestoomuch · 21/01/2011 22:05

Why DO women put up with this? Who seriously wants to be in a relationship where there is constant suspicion and doubt?
How is that a healthy relationship?
OP Ask your husband!

izzywizzywoowooo · 22/01/2011 01:55

AnyFucker you are just the type of person I needed when me and ex split!

Tell it how it is! and I couldn't agree more.

Marriage isn't about checking for condoms and feeling suspicious is it? Hmm OP if this continues you will just get dragged down, also don't you think you deserve more?

What other evidence is there, you know he has the potential, Do you need to find him mid shag or something?

izzywizzywoowooo · 22/01/2011 01:56

Oh and people only get away with what we let them...