condom in pocket. We're here again.

[worriedbee]

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

• the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.

• there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.

• he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess

• he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)

• he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger.

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

Has your DH done anything else that seems suspicious, since you last posted a few days ago. Have you checked the phone, is he working late?

I think you are being very sensible not to tackle him on the condom issue. You need to gather evidence and think things through very carefully. If you tackle him without much evidence, he will deny it and it will make it much harder for you to bring the subject up later even if you do have more damning or conclusive evidence.

"did you start these condom antics before or after you discovered the condom that he planned on using to have sex with another woman?" what condom antics do you mean Dittany?

nogreatexpectations, welcome, the voice of reason!

"Has your DH done anything else that seems suspicious, since you last posted a few days ago. Have you checked the phone, is he working late?"

The phone's been coming up clean, and he's either been at work or with me.

If he is unfaithful I don't suspect an ongoing affair - we've moved about a lot, and I can account for most of his time - I don't think the logistics allow for a permanent OW.

If he is unfaithful I suspect it's more of the opportunist type.

"All this stuff about carrying condoms in your pocket and around in your bag? Did that start before or after your husband taking a condom out because he planned to use it with someone else?"

after, but before you go off on one about it, I am a scatty person who doesn't remember to unpack things. That's my character, go ahead and read stuff into it if you like, but it'll be fantasy, honestly!

OP - you haven't changed your stance since your first post. No matter what anyone tells you, you stand firm.

You insist that it looks bad but you are not prepared to act without evidence. I understand that.

On Monday, I empathised and said that everyone was different. Not everyone could trust their gut or go on historical behaviour. It's Friday. So how is the evidence gathering going? Have you called that number? Checked to see if he has been deleting messages before his inbox is full? Started numbering the condoms in the house? Turned up at work unexpectedly? Been through bank statements/phone bills?

You keep coming back to your need for concrete evidence, so go and get it.

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope everyone is wrong. I hope you can come back here and tell us we all jumped to conclusions. But there is no trust in your relationship and I am sure the reason you haven't started 'gathering' is because you are almost certain you like what you will find.

I can understand that too. But this limbo? This will eat you up and destroy your soul.

Re: your reverse condom scenario, it doesn't hold water as a comparison because as someone has already said, when your H was caught with condoms in his work bag he admitted he was planning on using them to cheat. Plus, add to your scenario the weird text messages and it all starts to look really very suspicious indeed.

It's hard to understand that you won't leave him without proof because your marriage sounds rubbish anyway, even if he's not cheating. You can't even raise your fears with him because you know he will feed you a load of bollocks?? If this was just about your irrational insecurity, you ought to be able to talk to your H about your worries and his response would be to bend over backwards to reassure you. But you daren't address this with him because you can't believe a word he says.

You don't know how he feels about you, he's detached and vague, furtive, and has already admitted to planning to cheat once before.

It's hard to understand why you won't leave him because all these things would be deal breakers in themselves for most of us on this thread.

Why stay with somebody you know isn't being honest with you?

I feel like I've already said all this before.

"frid, I class infidelity and/or leaving someone in a state of mental anguish because you keep dangling "evidence" about it to be "mental abuse. some people may not"

Please girls, I haven't met a man yet who could abuse me mentally. Why, because most just don't have the mental capacity! Honestly, anyone would think that a happless forgetful man who just so happens to have done something odd and inexplicable is a "monster" and that his wife is obviously a mouse. It's not a feminist issue, its a simple case of not finding someone guilty without evidence and leaving another child to grow up without his parents under one roof.

oh dear. i see this situation hasn't been resolved yet.

i see the problrm though worriedbee. if i suspected dh of cheating but lacked the hard evidence i think i'd be a bit scared to confront him. it would be a huge row in our already fragile reltionship then if he was cheating he'd cover his tracks even better and i'd never find out.

my lovely cousin suspected her dh of cheating and ocnfronted him. he was outraged and guilted her big style for even thinking such a thing. few months later he left, confessing he had got a girl pregnant in newcastle where he worked now and then.

Ok nogreatexpectations, until now I'd been reading your posts with a face, but haven't addressed anything to you directly as so far you've only been trying to offer a different perspective which I can respect, even if I disagree with you.

However, you lost all any respect I had for you at, "I haven't met a man yet who could abuse me mentally". I'd been giving the calibre of your intelligence the benefit of the doubt up until then; 'perhaps she's just not very good at articulating herself in text?', 'perhaps she's a bit simple but means well...?'.

What an utterly, utterly ignorant thing to say. Especially on a board like this. Have you even read any other threads on here? You are ignorant to the point of being offensive. If ever we needed any adducement to our argument that the OP shouldn't listen to anything you have to say, you just handed it to us on a plate.

As someone who unfortunately DID meet a man who could mentally abuse me, and did so for 7 years, I am just at a loss as to what to say to you really.

Or are you on an elaborate wind up? Your name would suggest that you might be.

You're a funny one, OP. Why are you making this about everyone elses attitude, rather than facing the issue at hand?

It's a distraction, I suppose. And I am NEVER one of those posters that advise leaving partners on the basis of flimsy evidence - but your attitude is odd.

I am forever wondering where these perfect and virtuous men are. The kind that are always without fail thoughtful, thinking, considerate, emotionally literate and love small children and housework, never forgetful and always tidy up after themselves. It's a nonsense not to accept that all people have faults, its finding one that only has the faults that you can tollerate.

I have finally given up

I have taken to the wine

WB, join me in a glass of rose and I will wish you good luck and that I hope things work out in the way you want them to

So, 10 pages later, it seems that your choices are either to a) put up with him having the odd opportunistic shag where he can, because you love him, he's ds' dad and you feel that things are otherwise good, or b) to decide that's unacceptable to you and kick him out.

Up to you, really. If you genuinely need to know the truth then hire a PI. Or you can start annual threads where we all speculate for a while, the fuss dies down and nothing actually changes for you.

FWIW, I actually had a condom in the laundry incident with XH. There was no other evidence for suspicion at that time. He gave me a very plausible explanation, but - no surprise, months later I got proof of the affair.

ditch the condoms
get a coil
no condom laying around no worries hey !

However, you lost all any respect I had for you at,

sungirltan thanks for your post

I'm not scared to confront him - I've done it before. I just don't see what good it what do at this point.

Ah, definitely a wind up.

Pretty sick way to get your kicks imo. Poor OP and poor you.

Enjoy your sub-mediocre life nogreatexpectations.

Just bloody come out with it and ask him why the fuck he has condoms on his, in his pocket and why was one in his trousers.

Dont see what good it would do?

It would make him realise that he has again been rumbled, tell him if he wants the single life then to take the condoms and to fuck off or you could continue to play dumb and that you have noooooooo idea what hes getting up to when your at home looking after baby.

i know what i would do.

AF, I'll drink to thank I have a nice Japanese beer on the go. (I'm not usually that pretentious honest, they looked nice and were on special offer!)

OP have just written a longish response but deleted it because it was basically just a rehash of my last two posts

I don't know how you can stand the perpetual doubt/worry/angst/suspicion/mistrust, I really don't

I mean drink to that!

I've only had one