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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

934 replies

KateonMN · 14/01/2011 09:34

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

OP posts:
devastatedofdorset · 25/01/2011 09:30

is it just me or are the mornings the worst? i woke up at 1.00 and then again at about 5.00 and it hits you and you realise that it all isnt a nightmare but real. DD is sleeping with me -tbh she has had problems with sleeping on her own for a while and we had only just got it sorted before i caught him out and our world imploded. I took DD to school this am - and when i came the bitch OW had parked her car behind mine and was standing on the pavement - i was tempted to call her a whore but didn't out loud - but everyone in the village knows and the few that don't when they find out say what a terrible woman she is and that she has done it before and will do so again. I only told my parents last night - they live a long way away and my Dad is looking after Mum who has vascular dementia and i didnt want to burden them with what has happened but my Dad had guessed that there was something wrong and is the only one who said that he wasnt surprised because he had seen my DH surrounded by this OW and her predatory female friends in the pub before Xmas. It feels better now i have told them and my PIL have been very supportive and came down soon after he went but are deeply ashamed of DH's bevaviour and think that he will be back when he realises what he has done. It has been 4 weeks today since i found out and although i think on the surface i appear to be coping better inside it still feels the same. I am normally really houseproud but cant seem to do more than wash-up and cook pasta and do the bare minimum at home-i suppose this is all normal but part of me wants him to see that he has left our beautiful home and family for a tart who lives in a tip - yes i have been to her house when i found out who it was to ask her how long and to send him back if she wasnt serious and she also told me that her reputation was undeserved despite me being able to say at least 3 married men that she had done this with.

fairygirl3 · 25/01/2011 12:09

devastated-I always wake in the night look over at his side of the bed and get that awful smack from reality,one good thing about my AD is i am actually getting some sleep now.
I find the worse part of the day when the older 3 dc get back from school as it makes me feel how crap i am doing and this daily ,boring grind is now our life.Yesterday i just lay on the sofa watching them play ,it took all my energy to get up and make their tea.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 25/01/2011 12:14

The cheek of the slapper,they think its all a bloody game ,when its peoples lives they are wrecking .Just detatch as much as possible so tough when u have to see her at school.good u have support of ur I L s .

thereturnofElsieTanner · 25/01/2011 16:53

Devastated, you have the moral highground. She doesn't even come up to your kneecaps. Know what you mean about mornings and waking to that sinking feeling. My ds is also sleeping in with me and he's nearly 10. I'm just rolling with it for now.

Fairy, lying on the sofa and watching them play is not a crime. They are fed, watered, clothed and going to school. All thanks to you and no thanks to him. Give yourself a medal. I had at le3ast one day when ds didn't want to go to school and I didn't have the energy to make him. Nobody died.

Romney, how are you?

devastatedofdorset · 25/01/2011 17:03

i would like some advice about how i act with him - nice , nasty or indifferent? i started off being nice and accomodating and now feel that i just want to ignore him and have as little as possible to do with him- i am just so bloody angry with what he has done to me and DD and the wider family - but i havent told him this as we havent reallly talked about it at all.

MN has been sooo useful because i now dont feel so alone or stupid that i missed all those signs because i really never ever thought that he would do this to us.

Teaandcakeplease · 25/01/2011 17:36

I would act indifferent if you can for now as you find the balance. It's a horrible stage Sad

thereturnofElsieTanner · 25/01/2011 17:58

Polite indifference if you can manage it. I couldn't. I screamed, balled, yelled, swore and ranted but that was more because xp involved ds in his affair rather than for what he did to me. I was like a tigress. If you feel like your H is taking full, and I mean full, responsibility for what he has done then he deserves some recognition for that. Mine hasn't faced up to what he has done even 7 months down the line even though two families have been destroyed.

devastatedofdorset · 25/01/2011 18:25

My H has taken no responsibility for what he has done - when i found out and confronted him he tried to say that it was because he thought our marriage had gone a bit stale and i was always working and it was a bit of excitement. i have a big job - with a good salary but responsibilities which go with it - we also have a big house, garden and mortgage that i pay for -so perhaps i also emasculated him althiough this was the case when i met him and he seemed happy then?

He said he loved me and it was just a fling and it was over but wouldnt talk to me about it and so i said he had to leave and the the next day he phoned to say he was now with her and he wanted a divorce and that he still wanted to do the same pickups of our daughter from school etc as before. There has been no discussion with me or anyone else and certainly not his DD- i challenged the OW as to whether they were planning on doing this and she said no - too right as she is a serial marriage breaker and she can't live with him anyaway or she will lose her very generous- because of other issues - benefits.

Teaandcakeplease · 25/01/2011 18:40

They re-write history, he could've spoken to you at any point is he felt emasculated or that he didn't see you enough or the marriage was going stale and arranged a weekend away or tried to find a way for you to spend more quality time together. He didn't. Therefore he can re-write history and claim all these things but if they truly bothered him, he should've spoken up and tried to work through things. Please do not take any guilt on board, if you have. You're a good woman and it is his loss financially too Wink

My H took a long time to come clean fully and admit any responsibility. It's very to remain detached and indifferent, but if you can then that's great as you retain your dignity. But we've all at certain points lost it with our ex H's and told them a thing or two Wink

Teaandcakeplease · 25/01/2011 18:42

Missing word = hard
is = if

fairygirl3 · 25/01/2011 19:09

tea-are you feeling any happier ?

thereturnofElsieTanner · 25/01/2011 19:43

Devastated, if you can possibly bear to then sit back and watch it all unravel for it surely will. Their relationship sounds doomed before it's even got off the ground. Don't take any notice of what he's saying just observe what he's doing. Actions not words.

Fairy, another day to cross off the calendar. Every day counts as a step towards recovery. Even if it feels like a backwards step because there will be days when you take a couple of steps forward.

Hello Tea, Patience, Romney and everyone.

fairygirl3 · 25/01/2011 19:54

ha ha,you know what elsie thats what i have been thinking most of today,another day towards recovery,I think when i learn to stop trying to make sense of his behaviour that will be a big step forward.How can he not phone/text to ask about his children, on saturday he didnt even ask when he could see them next,i honestly think he is just so wrapped up in his new love that they are an after thought,i just find it so hard that he can go from being a family man to someone shagging an 18yr old and seeing his kids once a month.

romneymarsh · 25/01/2011 21:24

Thanks ET, it was a really awful day, on days like today you really want someone to speak to, to make sure it was the right time for poor Harry. I havent cried so much for a few weeks! A very sad day.

Fairy well done on one day closer to recovery.

Devastated, I was really nice to DH which I think really confused him. But I havent spoken to him for a month now. I do remember ranting at him one day when he was trying to make his decision, and swearing a lot which he didnt like as I dont normally swear.

Teaandcakeplease · 25/01/2011 22:51

So sorry about your lovely Dog Sad Sending you a massive ((hug))

Fairy I'm feeling a lot better now, mainly from all the kind words on my thread in chat. Mumsnet can be a great community.

I'm not keeping up well on here at the moment still. Ex H is over tomorrow for a bit, so I'll try and catch up then, as I feel a little bit out of touch now. It's getting to be a habit of mine right now isn't it? Blush

thereturnofElsieTanner · 25/01/2011 22:54

As long as you're ok Tea x

Teaandcakeplease · 25/01/2011 22:56

I'm just tired, so lurking is easier than trying to type long meaningful posts right now Blush

Are you ok lovely?

thereturnofElsieTanner · 25/01/2011 23:35

Up and down. You know how it is. One minute up then next I'm down. Good days are great, bad days are awful. At least I'm not numb. I still have feelings which is good, just not feeling how I want to be. Yet. Was worried my heart had died.

Get some rest when your X has the dc's. Sleep well.

devastatedofdorset · 26/01/2011 17:25

4 weeks on and i still have moments of intense disbelief that this is happening to me -DD was tearful this morning before school and had a few moments during school who are being brilliantly understanding - not easy for them as the OW son is at the same school- still it isnt his fault if he has a tart and slapper for a mother.

i still have this sick feeling inside - churning stomach and just want to wake up in 6-9 months time and feel normal again. When do you start to feel normal again? looking at the post on this and other threads i am in for a long haul recovery.

I spoke to a man friend today who has been through a similar things - on his part infidelity i mean and he said that i should try and talk to my H sooner rather than later and try and bring him to his senses but my gut feel is that he hasnt got to the point yet where he realises what he has done- oh god this is just sooo hard.

romneymarsh · 26/01/2011 17:39

Devastated - we have all been where you are, wanting to wake up 6-9 months down the line and poke our heads up to see what is happening. It really is a long hard slow process, I wouldnt wish these feelings on my worst enemy (oh apart from OW, I wish a lot more on her)!

I tried to reason with my DH for two months while he tried to make up his mind who he wanted to be with, tried to make him see sense and that a 27 year age gap between him and OW will be hard to make work etc, but he chose her and is still there. I think you are right that he probably isnt aware what he is going to lose yet.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 26/01/2011 18:55

Big hugs dorset,just do what u feel in ur gut,good u have a male perspective but u need to think if you would really want him back.one good thing is u might not have an explanation why ,but u do have proof of the affair which ultimately leads to a quicker recovery once hope of reconciliation isnt an option.
4 months down the line u will still be shocked but having good days 2.
Atm just look after urself really really well ,spoil pamper and nourish.u r top priority now ,indulge urself x

thereturnofElsieTanner · 26/01/2011 18:59

Devastated, I agree with Romney. He hasn't given what he's walked away from a second thought because he's so wrapped up in how this ow makes him feel. You cannot make him see sense. He has to realise that for himself. It is 7 months since I kicked xp out but only 2.5 months since I discovered the true extent of his affair and exposed the devious, cheating scumbags to all and sundry. My xp said to me only 4 days ago, I'm going to have to start again from scratch, aren't I Shock? He's a bit slow on the uptake, I'm afraid. I've given up second guessing him. He looks like a broken man and I have myself and ds to look after. I still can't believe how he treated me and especially ds so badly and how he walked away from us so easily.
Also, don't you think that your H is a "slapper" too? That was hard for me to accept, that xp was actually just as bad as ow.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 26/01/2011 19:06

Here, here Patience. Devastated, you will start to have ok days, then occasional good days, then sometimes feeling bad for just part of the day. You'll be all over the place for a while but what doesn't kill you will cure you. You will start to get stronger almost without even noticing. X

fairygirl3 · 26/01/2011 19:13

elsie-just been thinking whilst watching my youngest 2 share a bath (sooooooo cute) i dont think men do think/care about their dc with the intensity that mums do because there is no way i would put my dc through this.I just cant understand how much he has changed his attitude,the way he talks and texts but i guess thats from hanging around with an 18 year old.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 26/01/2011 19:23

Fairy, I agree. Most, but not all, women would find this sort of behaviour completely abhorrent. Although ow wanted to leave her H and dd age 6 to be with my xp. I know plenty of women have affairs but few leave their dc's behind and rightly or wrongly it is incredibly shocking when they do. But men who do it are 10 a penny it would seem.