Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Yes yes to the crying. I have never in my life cried like I have cried in the last 5 months.

It does help and o just used to tell the kids daddy had made mummy sad and that's why she was crying.they were 3 and 4 yo and just got on with it.they used to say daddy loves us but he just doesn't love u anymore,cue more wailing.but we survived and all part of the journey .

firei wish that was the case for me but my bad days just seem to be getting more frequent.
patiencemy ds says that to me too.
teahope your feeling more positive soon

Fairy I don't think that's unusual, especially in the early days when the shock is still wearing off and the grieving kicks in.

Please be encouraged that over the long term, it will get better.

I tell my son that I am sad because daddy doesn't want to live with me any more, and that when sad things happen, it is all right to be sad. But we'll be all right, and it won't always be this sad.

Hi Fairy its not unusual to feel like this especially with so much to juggle with the dc alongside of trying to cope with whats happened. I spent the first 4 months in a daze or crying and was lucky that my dc were at school so I could let a lot out while they were out. I know no matter how many people say it will begin to ease just keep going you dont believe its possible. Trust me though it is and it will become more bearable but while you are going through the process its agony.

I have never had a bereavement and until xh left last year I had never experienced such pain. What shocked me was the physical pain and effects on me which took months to subside. I had always taken heartbreak to be a mental pain not both. Its cold comfort to hear you may have so much more of this to go through but I hope it helps to hear that for me 16 months after first hearing he didnt love me I am now , finally , free of pain.

My house has sold this weekend, my xh texted the dates of his 2 week summer holiday with ow and my dc all these kinds of things send me for an extra cig or gazing out of the window thinking negative thoughts but day to day I am ok and can see in a year from now I will have rebuilt my life and for all the horror and pain I will be better off than in the lonely unhappy marriage I lived in for so long.

Sorry to go on but I just wanted to try and send some hope to you Fairy and any other lovely dumplings who wonder if it will ever get better - I promise you it will.

HAving a crap day today myself, not really anything to do with X, well it sort of is in a roundabout way but i just hate being the one disiplning the DC ALL the time, i so want to do some fun things with them but all it seems to be is drudgery, it's so hard to do something fun with 4dc of varying ages on my own :( and X not turning up yesterday means the DC are playing up that bit extra today, am just so sick of getting all the shit all the time while he just does.....nothing, absolutely nothing, he just gets stoned and sits around playing guitar with his mates or tinkering with his car 24/7 while i get to do all the hard work all the time and he cant even be bothered to spare 2 bloody hours for them, i want a break, i want to be able to clean my house and not having DC screaming after me or going behind me making a mess constantly, my house is a state, my DC are playing up and arguing with me all the time and no one helps me, if i go to my mums i have to listen to her moan and complain constantly about what DC are doing or them being too noisy, that they should sit down and watch tv so that just makes me more stressed out
and to top it all i dont get to do any fun things with them,if we go to a field with the ball i cant join in cause i have DD in buggy and DS3 runs off in a different direction to the other so DS1 has to chase after him then starts complaining about it and ARRGGGHHH, didnt mean to turn this into a rant and im now sat bawling too FFS

I dont cry over him leaving me any more it's the injustice of being left to do everything myself with no financial, emotional or practical support off him, even when he does bother to see them he just sits watching them play (doesnt take them out or do anything with them) and i still change nappies, cook dinner, get anything they ask for while he sits on his arse and if i say im going out while he's here HE leaves, then on the occasions when he doesnt turn up, i get to deal with the fallout from it for the next few days

Really sorry for the woe is me post but as they say better out than in and hopefully a good cry is all i need to shake it off and crack back on with it all

Sov, was he any better when he was at home? Because if he wasn't then you are a million times better off even if he doesn't do anything for you ever again. You sound exhausted.

Fairy, for the first few days, weeks or months the adrenaline keeps you going then you will crash into a deep sadness. Like getting says, it's a bereavement. Both my parents are dead but I would say this pain was far worse than that as I never imagined he would do this to me.

Tea, you ok?

on Tuesday bh 28 December i caught my lovely DH having an affair with the village trollop. tbh i must have missed the signs over the past few months but woke up on xmas day at 3.30 in the am to find that he was in the spare bedroom after him having been to the pub the night before. He has never not put our dd agred 8 tobed before on xmas eve and i was cross that he would do this and then started to think about the last few months when he has been going down the pub alot and taking his mobile with him everywhere. i then started to play detective and looked at his phone when he was in the shower and track the mileage in his vehicle. i never ever thought thay m,y lovely H would do this to us and when i confronted him he sadi that i was always working - i am the main breadwinner and have a big job- and that our marriage of 11 years had gone stale. He told me it was bit of excitement and that it was over and just a fling - but i threw him out and the next day he said he wanted a divorce and was with this OW- who has a reputation as a serial marriage breaker and a slapper. i still love him and have been reasonable and even got a phone so he could keep in touch with dd - but she is finding it all so difficult but puts a brave face on with him and then cries at home with me. reading the threads on here has helped as i was blaming myself for not being exciting enough and letting myself go. Everyone was staggered that this would happen to us - him having an affair and with the w**re down the road - but i am having to live with this and see here most days at the school gates. So far i have held my head high but this is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.

ah devastated-i feel your pain thats the day my H left too,its still so new and raw but i must say you are doing so well having to face this lady etc at the school.Keep holding your head high,there are some lovely ladies on here with great advice and virtual hugs that keep you going.

I agree with ET, your DH/DP leaving is so much worse that death, it might sound strange but it really is, I lost my mum and dad but the pain and hurt losing the love of your life, your soulmate actually does physically hurt.

Devastated im so sorry, this is going to be a long hard road for you to travel but you will get to the end of it, I am nearly 6months on from DH leaving for OW who is 27years his junior and the pain has been so bad that I havent wanted to carry on living (hate to admit it, but that is how I have felt) but I am now getting to feel that days are getting better, i still worry that I could spiral back to that dark place again but hopefully that wont happen and if I do I know that in a few days and not the weeks it used to take, it will get better again.

LC - hope you are having a good day, I felt a little sad this morning and I was thinking why, and I have come to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with him but the fact that I have got to have my little Cairn terrier put to sleep and I am having trouble trouble making the decision of when.

Dorset big hugs,look after urself ,UR right its not UR fault,it takes 2 to make a marriage.he could have talked to u ,he didn't need to have an affair and leave his family.
Put urself first now. Nourish urself as best as u can .
How did the appointment go fairy ?
Sov UR a superstar !

Ah Rom,so tough,I have a terrier too

sov-i know how you fell about the 4dc although mine is probably a bit easier as mine are a bit older 13,11,4,1 but i feel guilty that i cant go the cinema or shopping just with the elder ones and that they have to help out a lot as the 4 year old is very challenging.Just keeping on top of the house is a huge task i dont manage much fun with them at the moment.
romney-sorry to hear about your dog.

Thanks Patience and Fairy, I am thinking it will have to be tomorrow, he is still eating although I have to feed him and he is eating just ham and cheese. He was diagnosed with cancer of the lymph glands last week, he has been unwell since the beginning of December and took him to the vet back then. I know I have got to make the decision I just wish he could die in his sleep.

one of the things that is really pissing me off is that so far - 4 weeks on from when he was found out and left he still has not explained why he did what he did to me or our daughter. I can cope most of the time with this - tbh i wish that i never had to see him again at the moment- but he seems to persist in believing that she will be alright and that i am making up the crying - at home - at school because when she is with him he just asks if she is ok and she says yes. On thursday last week he brought her back and they said goodbye and she then put her head on the kitchen table and cried. I have been in shock because this is the man that wooed me relentlessly 13 years ago and promised to always be true and look after us and on boxing day was planning our summer holidays - making love to me - but then going off with the tart down the road - 500 yards away when he was supposed to be in London. How on earth he expected to get away with it i will never know. i also have to go to the Docs for a test to make sure that i dont have an sti- her reputation is sooo bad but he told me the day after i found out that her reputation wasnt deserved which is not what everyone else in our village says.

i know its awful to lose a pet especially at this time they are such a comfort ,i had been thinking of getting the dc a kitten as a cheer up distraction but i think my other psychotic cat may eat it she is so mad.
sov-as hard as it is,you know having a big family is great when they all get on,i love watching mine play together making dens,hide and seek,thats when i think of H and think haha your missing all his but then he will probably go having more kids with her.
patience-thanks for asking,i couldnt go with her as babysitter had to go dr,which made me resent H even more as he would normally of had dd whilst i went.The tumours in her liver have grown so she is going to have more chemo,we were expecting much worse news given the symptoms she had been having.

so sorry about the dog as well -we have agorgeous rescue dog that we got because her previous family split up and i am determined to keep her but we are sharing custody at the moment. She is such a comfort and such a bog part of our family that i understand your pain.

Devastated, he may never be able to tell you why he has done this, it is all for his own needs and selfishness. I have been asking DH the same questions since June last year when I found out and he still cant tell me the reasons. My counseller says its probably because he doesnt know why he has been so stupid, so dont expect any answers. I think it would really help me to move forward but I am not going to get the answers and as friends have asked, how will it help me anyway, he would probably only start to rewrite our history to furnish me with some answers.

That's it Rom. It will probably take my X years to work out that his selfish neglect turned me into a screaming wreck.then he says I just can't do this anymore and leaves.if u live with someone with an addiction ,it makes u question reality.once he left I had a new peace and could rebuild my self esteem.but the pain from having my heartbroken is immense.I never dreamt he would put drink and pub mates b4 his wife and kids.

romney - you are right i am sure - i dont think he planned to leave us but once he was found out he just ran away and in order to make it worthwhile now has a grand love affair with this trollop. i swing between desperately wanting him back and the good life that i had before and feeling that he has been an absolutely fxxcking idiot and so cliched -lost weight- new clothes -wearing those underpants that i bought him for birthday and xmas presents that sat in the drawer-but it makes me question our life together. The fact that she has a reputation as long as my arm - leaves her kids at home to go drinking in the pub over the road makes me sick. The only good things is the weight loss and people telling me how well i look.

Devastated blimey all sounds very similar!

My DH said he never intended to leave but when he was found out he took 2 months to decide if he wanted to come home or whether OW was what he wanted. I pushed for an answer one sunday in August and he told me to get on with my life, just like that, all those years of love, fun and companionship. Oh and when I was sorting his clothes I kept all his lovely expensive shirts that I had bought for him and all new boxers!! he left with his tatty old boxers.

Yes everyone says how good I look too, having lost 4 stone.

Welcome, Dorset. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. You sound like you are coping well given what a shit he's been. My xp also thinks that ds age 9 is "fine" because when he texts him that's the answer he gives . Yeah right, that's why he's still sleeping in my bed 7 months later, is it? Don't know how you can face her at school. I had to be tested at the GUM clinic too. It wasn't that bad at all.

Romney, so sorry about your doggy. When we got our new puppy xp said he felt like he was being replaced by a dog. At least he'll be faithful, I replied. And if it wasn't for the dog I don't think I'd have got out of bed some mornings.

Fairy, so sorry you couldn't go with your mum. I think something like this will actually help you detach from your H more easily as you can't even pretend he's decent when he's letting you down at such a difficult time. Just because you're not together he could still look after his own dd for something so important. Glad your mum is getting some chemo.

This post must have taken me 30 minutes to type as I'm supposed to be playing Monopoly with ds. It's my least favourite game. Give me Scrabble any day. Feeling a bit down tonight but I think it's lack of sleep.

Romney - 4 stone!!! How much did you weigh before? I have lost about 2.5 stone and gone from size 14/16 to 10/12.

Devastated, my xp never wanted to be caught out either. I had to do some major detective work to get the truth out of him. When I asked him how he thought it would end during the 2 years the affair went undiscovered he actually said he had never thought about it. In my opinion, he was only with me for the nice comfortable family life side of it. I wonder if he ever really loved me. We talked very vaguely about whether we could get back together but it became very apparent that I only wanted him back to be the whipping boy. No good for either of us. I saw him yesterday and he looked bloody awful.

Elsie I was a size 18 now size 14, I am 6 foot so even though I was big I didnt look too big IYKWIM. I wasnt happy being a size 18, I am a lot happier with my weight now but I am now worried about putting it back on.

Went out with exH on friday with DC to celebrate their new jobs, wore jean leggings and exH kept saying how good I look. In fact just got a text from him saying how good I looked again.

Wow, bet you look great at 6ft and size 14. I would love to be taller but I think I've stopped growing now. Upwards, anyway.

Hope you are believing it when people tell you you're looking good.