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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

934 replies

KateonMN · 14/01/2011 09:34

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

OP posts:
SlightlyMadSpook · 14/03/2011 15:50

Yeah I did get to uni, and had a fab afternoon 'teaching' at school...still feeling shit though. last night was the first crap nights sleep I had because of it all...

thereturnofElsieTanner · 14/03/2011 20:04

Spook, well done for getting there, glad it went well. You are quite entitled to feel shit. Allow yourself to feel shit. Because it is. But it won't be like this forever. Not sleeping is the pits. We've all been there but eventully you will be so exhausted you won't be able to fight it. When you've been through something like this and you wake up feeling refreshed for the first time it's like being reborn.

SlightlyMadSpook · 14/03/2011 20:47

And the day just got worse after I stood on my mobile phone and broke it :(

It is currently insured through a bank account...and my name is supposed to being taken off the account on Weds. Dunno if this will affect me claiming? XP has said my name can stay on if that's what we have to do to get it fixed but he is not happy about it.

I have been invited out by some friends to local pub meal celebrate my birthday next week, and to take DCs along. It is same day as D-Day.

I am in 2 minds. I want to go because I think it will do a good job of distracting DCs.

I have reservations because we won't eat until 7:30 and I am worried about DD3 who is 4 being tired for school next morning.
I am worried about getting a slating from XP for keeping DD3 out so late.
I am worried that I am feeling so shit the last couple of days that I just won't be up to it.

I would welocome any opinions.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 14/03/2011 20:52

Definitely go and to hell with what everyone thinks. I don't think your xp is in a position to be judgmental about anything you do. You probably won't feel up to it on the day but when you get there you'll be fine. And it's got to be better than the alternative.

SlightlyMadSpook · 14/03/2011 21:03

Yeah well the alternative is probably that I sit and sob my heart out, along with Dcs for the whole evening...question is will I sob my heart out in pub anyway?

thereturnofElsieTanner · 14/03/2011 23:01

No, you will have a big Wine in front of you and your friends will distract you. You will look around and realise that the world hasn't stopped turning. Ok, so it's not going to the best night out you've ever had and you might shed a few tears but at the end of it you will go home with your dc. Would you swap with him? Nope, I didn't think so Wink.

SlightlyMadSpook · 14/03/2011 23:26

I know....and I know I wouldn't swap with him but I waould rather the DCs weren't going to have to go through this :(

SlightlyMadSpook · 14/03/2011 23:31

Sorry I am not being very positive ATM...

Patienceobtainsallthings · 14/03/2011 23:36

My dcs were 3 and 4 and better imo they got it out the way then.my life has changed completely spook and I cringe at the childhood my kids would have had if I had settled for Xs idea of a marriage.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 14/03/2011 23:39

Go for night out have dcs happy, fed and content so they can fall asleep on ur lap if need be.company is a good idea x

Teaandcakeplease · 15/03/2011 10:15

Well unless he's prepared to babysit he cannot slate you at all Spook, it's your birthday and will be a well deserved treat. Is the pub child friendly? I'd take pens and paper with you or something and maybe their favourite comforters just in case. I reckon it'll be fine Smile Enjoy x

fairygirl3 · 15/03/2011 13:48

go for the meal,dont worry about what he says it really is not relevant ,its not like your keeping dd up late everynight,it may be an awful day for you and its much better that your with friends who care and am sure the kids would rather go out.

SlightlyMadSpook · 15/03/2011 17:33

Pub child friendly. No intention of being out late (just past normal bedroom).

I won't be giving him the option to babysit.

Another shite day though.

I was doing so well....until the weekend.

SlightlyMadSpook · 15/03/2011 17:36

Well I wasn't but you know what I mean...

SlightlyMadSpook · 15/03/2011 19:58

Right....XP is borrowint eh laptop for a few weeks....shall I block his favourite porn sites Grin?

Teaandcakeplease · 15/03/2011 21:19

Oh yes definitely Spook Wink How come he's borrowing it?

Will you still be able to come on mumsnet, we'll miss you if you can't.

I used to find it was 2 steps forwards and 1 step back with recovery a lot and when I went through stages of struggling a lot more, I'd come out the otherside and find I'd really made progress iyswim?

SlightlyMadSpook · 15/03/2011 21:54

He needs one for business...and part of the split but I need it back in Sept when I start PGCE.

Will still have desktop and DCs notepads...and if I get my phone fixed my phone!

But having just haad a steaming row about it I don't think he is taking it.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 16/03/2011 10:07

Hope u have a calmer day spook.
Ur home will be much more positive without his presence.

SlightlyMadSpook · 16/03/2011 12:52

Erm well...have spent most of the morning crying....I really have just hit the floor :(

On the plus have just given myself a pat on the back after keeping dry eyes in teh bank whilst sorting out joint account.

Teaandcakeplease · 16/03/2011 13:10

Sad many ((hugs)) lovely Spook, crying is good. Type on here anything you like if it helps you process your feelings too x

SlightlyMadSpook · 16/03/2011 14:28

It's fine...I'm offloading....MN is just getting the bulk of the offloading...so I appologise for being a bit self centred ATM

fairygirl3 · 16/03/2011 14:50

no need to apologise,we all know how much it helps so just offload away.Well done for sorting out the banking,there are so many practical things i have not done yet because i just dont have the strength.
Things ok with me,H just giving very mixed messeges ,has said its to early to be thinking of divorce? flirts with me,yet is still seeing her,yes i know hes having his cake and eating it.

SlightlyMadSpook · 16/03/2011 19:00

I just want to go out and keep driving until I heit a tree (don't worry that isn't what I am actually going to do).

I just hate this....all my RL friends are friends...but I have no "best friend"...they are all just "normal" friends and they all think I have someone else as a best friend IYSWIM.

Some are trying to stay out of it cos they are friends with OW,

I don't have a close bond with my family.

I am just sitting here all alonne in a mess and just want it all to be over.

Teaandcakeplease · 16/03/2011 19:43

When I began to feel like that I booked some counseling. That was a big help, I also started reading some good books. Patience has a good thread here on books: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1083006-All-New-Road-to-Recovery-for-the-Recently-Ditched-Book-Club

And finally I spoke to the GP and went on anti depressants. In the early days I didn't want to go on ADs and was determined not to, but I reached a point about 7 or 8 months down the line where I just felt so emotionally exhausted. I didn't see it coming, I was living this reality, it was like ground hog day, everything was so grey. The storms of tears had passed, the extreme emotions had gone and in its place was this weariness with life, I almost felt dead on the inside, tired and hopeless. I think on the outside people thought I was getting better as I wasn't crying, sad or angry anymore. But it's like a sadness too deep for tears, a lethargy and inability to get on with life. If this sounds similar, please see your GP Spook. I feel so amazing now and feel like a different woman, thanks to the ADs and the counseling was such a great place to talk and feel safe talking about everythng and all my feelings.

I do not have any close friends and felt very isolated when I separated, as all my friends are happily married. In fact some people began to avoid me. The person who was your closest friend can begin to act like your worst enemy. It can be very isolating. There's no funeral, no public demonstration of mourning, no cards, no flowers and no gathering of sympathetic friends, there's no acvknowledgement of our loss, no one to share past happy memories with, it's like the past is wiped out and never existed. Our husband, their father and our life together. We loose them but we keep thinking they'll come back, they'll change their minds, we even wonder if this is real. We can have a lot of dreams, some good, some very painful as our minds process it all. We're suddenly alone, when we've spent upteen years together. It is hard, very hard.

I know this post sounds more negative than positive, but I wanted you to know that each one of us on this thread has experienced this, each in our own way, depending on our situation but keep talking on here, cry and please speak to your GP if these feelings do not subside. Many many ((hugs)) lovely x

SlightlyMadSpook · 16/03/2011 22:02

I know.

I did ADs 18m ago when all this was inflamed before.

Because I was doing so well a week ago I thought I could do without this time. I will see how things are in a couple of weeks. I really can't afford to be on ADs if I can help it because it may affect medical fitness to teach that i have to pass to do teacher training.

But having said that I know that if I need them I need them.

XP has just been making arrangements for Sat night...he wants to take DCs out with OWs DCs. I just don't want to have anything to do with them any more. I know it is not any of the DCs faults. And I know what it is like to be told as a 9yo that you are not allowed to play with your best friend and not understand why. And I know what it is like and wouldn't inflict that on my DCs...but it doesn't mean I am happy about encouraging it....All I bloody have to listen to from DCs ATM is OW has chocolate bubble bath like this, OWsDD said this...it is all OW and her bloody family...I just can't see any way with it getting any easier whilst I live here in this house on her street in her village. But I don't see why I should bloody be forced out of my home.

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