Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Sorry you are finding it so tough fairy...I am dreading when it comes to my time.

Morning all...I am still dreading the try to detach thing when xp actually moves out in 2 weeks. I want ti do it, think I am doing it now but I guess moving say (which also happens to be my birthday ) will be the true test. He has started boxing up his life and saying for the household appliances he will need, which isn't easy on me...i just find it amusing that the big box he has selected is looking rather empty...don't think his worldly goods amount to as much as he thinks.

Having said all that, had a major wobble couple of days ago after we both got v drunk. I got myself thinking that alcohol may change his mind and he would make a move on me, express some remorse...or something...but no...nothing...not a hint of anything. Dunno what I wanted...maybe just some acknowledgement of the crap situation we find ourselves in.

*ebaying for appliances.....Damn this predictive text!

hi everyone - i am ok and send hugs and good wishes to everyone else. I have had my parents here for the weekend and an old friend as well so that has been nice. The weather is glorious and i am trying to be cheerful

I texted the H this am to ask him about pick ups - at around 9.25 and he did not respond at all until i texted again just before 12.00 to say if i didnt hear from him i would make alternative arrangements. what the fxxx is that all about - i know he had his phone because he texted DD to see if she was free.

He is now pushing me to agree to set days for seeing DD which is very difficult because of my work committments and to be honest she is still reticent about seeing him that much.

We went to the pub on Friday - only to find the OW sitting in one part of the pub having a meal with her posse and the H in the bar. DD was shocked that they were both there and when the OW went into the bar wanted to leave. Later on i texted my h to say that When our DD looks back in the future and thinks about what happened when you went off with the ow and destroyed her family and rubbed our noses in it by turning up together 5oo yards away from our house - what do you think she will think of you. I know this wasnt very detached but i couldnt help myself particularly as DD woke up feeling very low on Friday and cried because of what Daddy has done.

His only response was that i had told him i wasnt going to the pub. I replied that i had had no discussion with him at all about the pub - and he then comes back to say that our DD had told him we werent going.

I replied to say that any decent person would not do what he has done on our doorstep and continue to push it under our noses.

DD and i are away from next Saturday for a week - and i am so glad that we will be away from seeing the OW - and being remined all the time about what has happened. On Friday i went to pick up DD from a party and was walking down the road when the OW came past in her car - i just waved.

Waves to fairy x

H sees the dc here for many reasons,i have said i want him to start taking them out but has not happened yet and not felt strong enough to push.Very difficult day his phone kept going,him text etc had spoke to him before about him texting her whilst here and he said he understood yet today carried on so i asked him not to be constantly text her when spose to be seeing his dc,he said "what would you rather,i be here and texting her once an hour or me spending the day with her?dont try and control me and if you carry on i will leave" ,i suddenly realised what a fool i was wasting my feelings on him when he is a selfish shit,so i went and did some chores and sat in my room leaving him with dc,10 minutes later he comes up asks whats going on i tell him its best if i stay up here as i had previously told him it was not fair us playing happy families,started getting a bit teary so he said well this dont look like its for the best now does it,acting all caring,we then go downstairs start making lunch ,he offers to help then goes out in garden tidies it up a bit,when i go out gets us all playing ball together,f*cks with my head,i cant be his friend which is what he seems to want ,so much for acting detached.
slightly-you will probably feel a bit of relief when he goes as it must be a very stressful situation.
dev-you are doing so well having to face OW,i am dreading it when i have to meet ow,he should not be pushing for set days ,he is the 1 who has made this mess i think he should be doing what ever works best for you and dd.

Thanks Fairy - i know how you feel - i thibk Sundays are the hardest day of all as it was such a family day for us in the past and the day that i loved the most whereas now i feel like i have to endure it.

A friend of ours who has been really supportive came round earlier and it staggers me how far things have gone- i cant believe how selfish my H is now - at least your went out and tidied in the garden - mine has left me with an almight mess to sort out and i am going to have to pay money getting the house and garden straight.

I very nearly had a real cry and then stopped myself because it doesnt always help.

Hi fairy,its amazing how they can turn it that we r the unreasonable ones if we try and protect ourselves from their painful actions.texting ow while at the kids and then using the threat of leaving is showing him to be a manipulative disrespectful smug bastard who thinks the sun shines out his arse atm.mine was exactly the same,I still wanted him back but when he said each selfish thing that showed he was putting himself and his needs b4 dcs then it did give me a bucket of cold water in my face wake up everytime.u have to set boundaries,u have to look after number one.would mil have kids at hers for her sons access.anything to take u out of that equation u should not be witnessing him texting her.

Dev and Fairy you are both doing so well, keep strong ladies, you will only be able to detach when you are ready, it took me so long and I didnt have any DC with my H, just didnt want to give up hope that he would come to his senses, but knew eventually that my mental health couldnt take anymore.

Good luck to you Slightly, hope when he leaves you can start to sort your feelings out.

This thread is just great,all of your advice shows me that although all our lives are so different we are all going throught the same stages,you have all been through this and come out so will i.Looking after ds last night was a challenge trying to keep him sicking in bowl/changing him & bed etc and dd kept waking up but i did it and life will be full of challenges but i will get through them.As much as i want to be nice to him so he feels he can come back i need to realise if he wanted to he would be back by now and it should be him begging to come back.We deserve more,i think your right patience he is being a smug shit,he knows how badly i want him so he is playing on that to get an easy life from him,listening to him saying "text my girlfriend"part of me was hurt the other part of me wanted to vomit that this was a 36 year old dad talking about an 18 year old.I am starting to see him in his true colours he is a selfish shit ,he does not want to bring the dc up with me or take any of the responsibility he just wants to be sunday park dad,the more energy i spend on wallowing after him is time and energy i could be putting into dc.Whilst i feel strong today i know this may not last but i am going to try so hard to do what elsie said and pretend i have detached.

Fairy - I felt totally the same wanted to be nice and try and keep everything normal so he could see what he was missing, but as you say he should be begging to come back now and as time goes on you will realise for your own sanity you have to give up on ghope, but that as we said earlier will only come when you are ready. Keep strong hun.

rom-its just awful isnt it,i just wish love had an on/off switch,i hate having so little control over my emotions.I cant expect him to respect me when i am acting like a doormat with no respect for myself.I just have to convince myself that i am better of with out him,i just wish he would make it easier by being neutral instead of flirting with me/using my emotions to get an easy life then sitting there smiling whilst texting her.

Fairy take strength from the fact that ur seeing his true colours now ie ur not in denial and pretending he is something that he is not.that's what I meant the other day when I said everytime he disrespects u and u are aware of it ur love for him will change a little.my X was like kryptonite to me ,my strength got sapped away when I was in his presence.I had to make changes or he would have destroyed me mentally.he is still using u to boost his ego so as much as u can cut off that supply.keep visits strictly business so ur in control.personally I would tell him it is unacceptable to text her in ur home.he crossed a line there imo.this thread helped me loads ,still does ,take what u need and can use at this time,so things will happen later.time is a great healer but we all make choices on how we handle our relationships.big hugs ur very strong.

*some things will happen later

Fairy needed to share with u that 4 yo dd just woke up me up and threw up on me .mummy I feel sick ,honk.oh well back to bed now.

Warning....the following may contains expletives (and feel free to ignore rant!)

Well today has been a crapola day....I come home from uni at usual time, sit on the computer checking my emails before dcs arrive home from school (xp is on school run at this time)....when as my dds come running up to the door I hear a 4th voice....xp has only gone and brought ow's dd home to play ....I am quietly seething...and I know it is not here (the dd) fault, but the fact he bought her home implies that they have 'bumped' (or otherwise ) into each other in playground (bare in mind ow has managed to convince her dh that she had no.part and it was all in my xp's head -despite the fact that xp has confessed to me).

Xp makes a casual comment to me "you're back early" (i wasn't) so obviously wasn't expecting me to be home. He does look very uncomfortable while she is here though and keeps saying 'you have to go in 5 mins'.....and when she refused to go because she wanted her mum to come and get her I just wanted to tell her that there was no way her mother was coming to my house.

I knew there was a good chance they would pick up where they left off but thought they would wait a few weeks for the dust to settle. I feel for her dh cos she has managed to successfully lie to save her marriage...

Arrrrggghhhhh I just want to get out of here....they live practically opposite, go to same school...it is not fair on dds to 'not be allowed' to play with them, but then it's not exactly fair to move them from the security of the school, house and village they know when they have to deal with disruption of xp leaving....

I need to stay here to finish my uni course but need to get out before this destroys what part of a family I will gave with my dcs......

Rant over (and I don't think there were any expletives...)

Oh and I have failed in my first tooth fairy duty....cos I am too short to reach top bunk :(

Can you get a stool to stand on? To put money under the pillow.

Spook in your shoes I would tell the OW H the truth tbh. Ring him up and tell him.

No wonder you were seething, it's totally inappropriate to bring OW's DD to your house but you're right it's not her fault bless her. When can he move elsewhere? I cannot remember anymore (sleep deprivation is making me extra scatty ) I do think if you can both have a conversations about boundaries and what's appropriate in order to protect your children and to avoid a bad atmosphere between you is worth a go. Is he reasonable? Would he take it on board?

((hugs)) lovely Spook, please post on the other thread if you're desperate for some advice and this one is quiet, all the ladies on there are lovely and have all been where you are x

I tried a stool. Could get to one side of teh pillow but couldn't find it....but she hasn't checked before school so I will go and do it now!

I hae had a discussion with OWDH but at that time it was "I think your DW is having an affair with XP". He confronted her and she denied it saying she felt XP was being disrespectful to me and all sorts of bullshit. I then had admission from XP. I Texed her DH and asked if we could talk but he didn't get back to me, told XP I had asked to meet so he is obviously on XP and OW's side...he is still speaking to XP so OBVIOUSLY doesn't know the truth. OWDH would normally do school run on a Weds but last couple of weeks she has had time of work (sick of AL or changed says...dunno?) so they have done school run together so I don't see him on his own. I am "scared" that as soon as I approach him to tell him anything he will go running to OW and/or XP and then I will get in trouble....less of a problem when XP has moved out, butu don't want to do it now.

XP moves out 21st March - my birthday. I think it is quite ammusing that there are lots of things happening that day which DCs are aware of, first day of spring, big event at Brownies (I am a Brownie leader, DTDs are Brownies) and when we talk about any of them, DDs ask when are we doing X, I reply "21st March" DTDs then say "and that's the day daddy is moving"....I am Ok with it (ATM, feeling strong about that bit)...XP squirms a bit every time 21st March is mentioned in any context cos he knows DDs will come out with "that's the day daddy's movin".

I think he knows he did wrong bringing her back yesterday and TBH there was a bit of a reason for it (OW needed to deal with issues at school) but still shouldn't have done it. He quite obviously wouldn't have done it if he had known I would be here, therefore shouldn't have done it at all IMO.

Spook jump on the other thread if u need to off load and want a chat it just all got a bit busy ,used to be all one thread b4 it split.doesn't matter where u post ,you will get more pov on the other one .
When things like that happen it does help with the split I found cos u see the real bloke ,they don't walk they slither x

SMS, my XP and his OW involved our ds and her dd in their affair and it is something which, to me, is unforgiveable. It helped me to detach hugely. I also confronted her H and he laughed it off and more or less told me I was deluded. He's not laughing now. But he detests me for exposing every gory detail and humiliating the pair of them. He would rather bury his head in the sand and it sounds as if your ow's H is the same so tread carefully as he may see you as the enemy.

My H also involved my DD in his meetings with the OW- happening to meet the week before Xmas whilst walking the dog in the woods near us and then allowing the OW to take our DD to see her horse- did i mention that she is on benefits and doesnt work but manages to keep a horse. There was also another meeting at another dog walking spot which resulted in them going for tea at a cafe and sending DD over to get some water for the aforementioned dogs.

TBH DD recounted all of this to me unasked and it has formed her opinion that Daddy is sneaky and has lied- so it has backfired on him as her view of him has dropped drastically.

It is very hard though when you live very near - this is my situation too as most days i see the OW in passing in the village, at school or Brownies or in the local pub and it isnt easy.

dev,elsie,slightly, that is just so low involving the dc,these men really dont think about how their actions affect dc.
patience-hope your dd is ok.
Am feeling totally fed up and warn out,sickness bug has been in our house since saturday 3 dc and me got it,just the little one free of it,house a tip.huge pile of sick stuff to wash but all i could manage was to feed dd and keep her safe,asked H for help but says he started with it this morning,at least he can recover in peace,am tired of being responsible feel old ,lonely and sad.

Oh Fairy it's rotten as a lone parent when there's a sick bug going round. Do whatever it takes to survive and make sure you watch your fluids and drink dioralyte if needed ((hugs))

Fairy, sorry you've all gone down with sickness. Amazing how some men seem to think that women can carry on regardless but it doesn't apply to them . It's hard to take it as a compliment when you've got your head down the toilet and the pukey washing is piling up. Yes, today you are tired of it all and rightly so but let's see who's the sad and lonely one in 10 years time. It won't be you, that's for sure.

Dev, I can beat that! We all went on holiday together - yes, me XP, DS plus OW, her H and their DD. They deliberately involved the two extended families after the affair started. I'll never work that one out for as long as I live. Fortunately, I don't have to see OW on a daily basis though and hope that I never see her again. I take my cap off to you on that one. How do you stop yourself from plotting her downfall?

I'm glad today was better Spook. Must be so hard with the OW being so near for you and Dev x