Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

giggle giggle at bottle recycling!

Fairy - your right there are a lot of positives about H not being here!Lots!

Dev - DD has you there strong for her. You are doing your best. He is such a low life - but he is separate from you now. You didnt cause this, cant control it. Its awful but now its all about acceptance and time. Things may also change for him as you say - nothing you can do Im afraid. So hard.

Is there any counselling support available at school? Didnt realise you are goinbg to change school -what does this mean for you and DD? Glad you have dog as is very conforting and very important for kids at this time.

Hi Mum- not leaving but DD will be changing anyway because of the school system round here.

The school have been good and she has access to trusted adviser as well which has helped. They dont have a school counsellor and steered me in the direction of the GP - when i asked him he said it wasnt great.

To be honest i think we are both doing well - i have suggested to H that he seeks some counselling - as his behaviour has been bizarre and he has never found it easy to talk - i doubt whether he will pick this up though because it requires an acknowledgement that things are not going well and he is in denial.

On a separate note i had a PM a couple of weeks ago purporting to be from a guy asking where i was in Dorset. I only responded about 10 days ago and have heard nothing else and am now wondering if this is someone local to me trying to work out who i am - think i may need to change my name- any views?

ooo thats a bit worrying/odd dev,did he ask anything else ? i know your name is a bit of a giveaway as to where you live but are you listed on the locals board on here as maybe it was someone local to you looking for new friends?Definatly name change.That will make life a lot easier when dd moves school,you have both done so well too face them everyday.

Yeah name change dev.
Good dd doesn't feel bullied by her father.
I thought that too regarding dcs ie what will they make of it all in ten years time.I am going thru a transition now and I'm letting go of my old life big time.forgiving everyone involved and letting go of the bitterness.its taken the full 16 mths,like someone said one month for each year we were together .I want my kids to have an unbiased picture of their father.
Well done re locks btw x

Well done Dev you are doing so well, just give your DD all the support she needs, I know you probably need some support yourself but I know you are doing so well for your D. It annoys me when these men think that we are trying to influence the children, do they not realise their children have minds of their own.

Hope you are ok Fairy.

Waves to everyone ,don't know where u all stay but we r doin a Glasgow meet up at the weekend if ur interested.
Chin up ,tits out ladies , ur all shining stars x

Dev, if your H is anything like mine he would prefer a poke in the eye with a sharp stick over an hour of counselling. XP thinks that counselling = getting told off for dropping his trousers. His loss. Not your problem. You're doing fantastically well. Did you confirm your location to the mystery pm?

Patience, wish I was nearer Glasgow. I could do with a good night out. Have for me .

Hello to Fairy, Romney and everyone.

Hello all- i only gave a vague description as to where i was- maybe i am being a bit paranoid because when i checked i only replied last week so it hadnt been ages. I will see and make up my mind about changing over the next few days.

You all know i am in Dorset - so anyone is welcome to pm me about meeting up down here - as i have said before i have plenty of room and we are in a beautiful part of the country....we have a dog - who is gorgeous - big garden - trampoline etc. I thibk that Fairy and Patience are up for visit in the Summer - but hey we could try and meet up earlier - there are lots of BH's coming up for a long weekend!

Elsie - i thibk you are right about the counselling and my H - but he really would benefit from it as he finds it difficult to talk unless he has a skinful - and i think that a lot of alcohol is being drunk by him at the moment when tbh he isnt much of a drinker - well wasnt until the OW - in order for him to change his personality and be outgoing and accept what he has done.

hows everyone doing? Feel a bit odd posting as we are all trying to support each other to move on but i dont seem able to do that and feel like a sad act trying to get my h back when he obviously does not want me.I feel loads better in myself and my ability to cope but have not detached at all from H,i decided last week he would have to see the dc away from the house as i am confusing him being nice to me and us having fun with dc as him having feelings for me,which he hasnt.When i text him this he was laid back and said whatever i think is best when i needed him to say "yes thats best cause i am only there for dc blah blah",i know i will still let him see them here and wont push things and i feel he is having the best of both worlds ow,family time with dc,me lavishing him with attention and stroking his ego,our texts have become flirty/sexual joking over last few days,which is nice in a way but not helpful to me.I know that i am not strong enough to force myself to detach from him and am cross with myself for this,the truth is i still deeply love him and i shouldnt because he does not deserve it.

Don't beat urself up over this fairy,I have only broken free after 16 mths
he was the man u loved and trusted more than anything.I could never take my H back now.he is a compulsive liar.it drove me nuts .it will be a long time b4 I trust another man.what gets me is after fighting because he was lying ,he was going back to 21 yo and having ," you'll never guess what the nutcase has done now " conversations.after 16 yrs together he dumps me and goes and bitches to his gf.then denies he has a gf.best bit now is I am in a more healthy place mentally and I don't talk to him at all.then I know I'm not being lied to .
I tried everything to keep my marriage going.but in the end it takes 2 to keep a marriage going.I married a himbo,bimbo,good looking ,sexy but not the brightest ,with a weed and drink habit.I used to say ur a dad now
you can't live like a teenager.turns out I was wrong,he can live like a teenager cos he is a selfish bastard.

Fairy, why should your H want you back when he hasn't actually lost you? You are still there for him and he knows it. Please summon up the strength to detach. He might realise what he's throwing away and if not, you will be in a stronger position to deal with everything. I't's a win/win situation.

I agree Elsie.my X didn't tell me about gf because he knew I still loved him.he was boosting his ego everytime I looked vulnerable,then discussing me with gf.this final split is affecting him more than it is me.what I mean is its only when u detatch from them that they really feel the consequences of their actions.

Absolutely, Patience. Pay attention, Fairy, we speak the truth . And you are strong enough to do it. You deserve so much more than the little scraps he's feeding you.

i hear you both and its just as you describe it,scraps to keep me around boosting his ego,he wont face up to the destruction he has caused while i am making it so easy.I will get there,i cant go cold turkey i need to wean myself off him.

Fairy it took me such a longtime to detach and I didnt have children with H. I felt I was stuck in a cycle of self destruction because I couldnt detach. Everyone kept telling me it was the only way to move forward and they really are right but that said I only did it when I was ready and even then I wasnt sure it would help but it really has made such a difference. I can understand you saying about weaning yourself off but believe me and ET it really is the only way forward.

Yes, it will only work fully when you are ready. However, in the meantime you can pretend to detach. Pretend to H, pretend to outsiders, even pretend to yourself and before long you'll realise that you're not actually pretending all that much and that it feels so much better than the misery he's dishing out at the moment. He will look at you in amazement and panic. It will be quite disconcerting for him. Go for it.

This is the first time my X has been without me in 16 yrs,he will be feeling it now.he was my addiction ,ur so right about weaning urself off.but my mental health is so much better now I am free ,took me such a long time though.

Its difficult because i feel if i start closing off,not being nice etc he may feel like i dont want him back .The working part of my brain tells me he is not coming back,he does not want me but the other part cant get my head round it.I have started thinking tonight,yes he probably is laughing give me a few scraps of attention i lap it up and roll over and dont question him or ask anything of him,why would he want to change that,i need to get some self respect back but its going to take time.

Did the same fairy,I thought I had to let him know the door was always open for him.but he was never banging my door down to come back.he was out getting pissed and moving on.meanwhile I was trying to keep it together and keep the kids safe ,shielding them from their BONKERS dad.
Ur right about self esteem,but u will find ur way.everytime he did something disrespectful to me it made the gap between us bigger.slowly day by day our relationship changed.taking the kids away for visits is good.I could cope thru the week but crumbled if I had to spend time with him.

Fairy, he won't be analysing it like that I promise you and he won't be laughing at you either. Thinking like that is more a reflection of your own self esteem. He will just be enjoying having attention from 2 women. What's not to like? So, is being nice to him getting you what you want? Nope. Try being cool and detached. He may come running, he may not. Either way, my guess is that you will have moved on and be wondering what you saw in him in the first place. What about what you want from him? What, exactly, is he doing for you right now? Is he really that good a catch?

I had to recognise when I was most vulnerable and learn to protect myself.he is a charmer and a manipulator .even now I don't get involved .

Morning all. Fairy, Dev, you ok today?
Just about to take my doggy out but back later. Hope everyone's ok.

morning all,well H is coming up to see dc today and am going to try to act like i have detached a bit.Shouldnt be to hard as i am tired and sad after being up with ds most of night with a bad tummy bug and crying for his dad.

Oh Fairy love ((hugs))

Fairy, is H taking the dc out? If he is, go back to bed and get some sleep. If he isn't, go somewhere with a comfy chair - coffee shop, friend's house, even a pub - and sit and veg with a trashy mag. Do not engage with H. Do not even ask him how he is. If he asks you, just smile and say fine thank you, then walk away. Do not talk to him about anything other than the dc. Oh, and make sure you look good. Do your hair and make up and keep smiling a big enigmatic pretend smile .