Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

slightly-dc3 is a genius,is there anyway you could work round that,we did that in september when was still with h.We had been on family holiday to spain in may then wanted to take my mum away but didnt think we could cope with each other for a week so we went for first 2 nights to Weymouth on our own then they came for 4 nights ,took most of our bags home as we were going on train and we had a last night before heading home,worked very well for us and have done something similar with sister and pil before.
Dont worry about contributing its just sharing i feel, so we know we are not only with our sometimes crazy thoughts.Its good to just write down whats going on with out having to worry because you see them in real life or they know H etc.Time wise we are all ahead of you so dont compare and we are all very different,i think you are very strong having to deal with the situation of still living with P yet having to deal with all these feelings and carry on as normal for the dc.
Cant advise about contact because i am making a right mess of that at the moment and feel i need to deal with that before i can detach at the moment H phones every night and comes up on a sunday 9-3 and has managed an extra day in half term and an evening the week before,so its supposed to be one evening and every sunday but think it will just be the sunday.This is not my choice i have said he can see them as much as he wants but contact takes place at my house which is not ideal but due to many things,his drug use and behaviour/ability to care for dc,neither of us driving and living 4 miles apart,his work hours and the house he is in being unsuitable for dc.I think him being here playing happy families whilst seeing dc just does not help with my healing.

Yeah half and half and half is def an option, and I will probably book for all of us and defer the decisuon

Yeah half and half and half is def an option, and I will probably book for all of us and defer the decisuon

Most people seem to go for the ex partner having the children to stay every other weekend and in the week where they do not have them that weekend, they have them over night one night only. My ExH doesn't live in accomodation suitable to have the DCs over night but he comes here to see them 2 or 3 times a week for a short while and takes them out to the park etc or we take them to a soft play together. My kids have no idea why we broke up or that he has a girlfriend. But they were only 11 months and 2 and a quarter when we separated. I haven't told them more yet as they're still not living together. However if things become more permanent and they move in I'll have to think about telling them but they're now 3 & 2, so still young. So it would have to be age appropriate. I'd seek lots of advice before comitting to anything too permanent contact wise with the DCs and your ex personally. But maybe that's just me

I vote for a Butlins holiday Spook for this year. You can do more daring things maybe later in the year when life is more settled imo. Butlins is great. If you did go on your own with them there, you'd have a great time. I was meant to be going in April for 4 days but financially things didn't work out as my Exh hasn't been supporting me very well.

Tbh butlins was the daring option , as the other option had the back-up of my parents.

Oh I dunno....I thought I would feel liberated being able to make decision without x saying....but I don't want to do that I want to do this....

Waves to everyone dev ur so kind will def look up travel.will we get to meet Hugh fearnley whittingstall ?
Hope ur feeling better fairy x
Spook my x does sun 10 til 6 pm.
Tea hope Ds slept better
Crystal for everyone today is bloodstone Google it for its properties.

Think I've mad a decision....think its going to be butlins with just me and my dds....links so much better than my other option even if I will have to manage alone....

on balance I think both options would have been equally good for dcs, just different so I don't actually think it matters which :)

am sure you will have a wonderful time slightly butlins is great,kids will love it.Am not sure if we will have a holiday this year with 4dc and not driving and it just not sure emotionaly that i could handle it.
Well sunday tomorrow H round to see dc,although my 2dc will be going to see my mum they find it hard to be around him especially dd she says he is a pedophile for going with an 18 year old,not good.I need to face that him coming here to see them is not working but am not sure what alternatives there are,i am going to speak to his mum see if she can suggest something,we never get on that well before but she has been brilliant since H left.I feel by having him here its holding onto my dream that he is going to come back and this is not helping me move on.Have also been thinking about divorce this week which before i was sure i would not do it as felt this would give him my blessing now i am thinking may be it might be good idea to divorce him,may help me move on.

Fairy, I am dreading dealing with that part of me that still wants him.back. I even told him as I confronted him with the final straw over ow that there is still part of me that doesn't want him to go. But atm I think that I am just feeling that for the sake of the dcs.

I have decided that once he is gone I personally don't want to maintain a relationship at all with him in an attempt to protect myself from wanting him back...how that will work on practice is yet to be seen....

I do have dreams of him wanting me back...but I think they are along the lines of I want him to miss me, I want him to realise how dependant he is on me, I want him to have a lonely life without me, and not because I want him if that makes sense.

At the end of the day I don't want any of this to be happening and at the moment I can't differentiate how much of that is down to me wanting him, me wanting a complete family unit, me not wanting to put dcs through this and being scared of the unknown future.

On the whole I am having a crap day...I am still in bed, I am studying though so not completely wasting the day. Dtds have been doing arty things this afternoon and they have both written letters which have left me bailing my eyes out:

"why does daddy have to move on your birthday?

And

"....holidays won't be the same without dad because he is fun in the swimming pool and in the caravan and you are fun everywhere else"

Hate life atm :(

slightly-i cant offer much strong advise as am having a crap day too but what i do know is this day is nearly over,new day will soon be here and hopefuly it will be a positive one.Just going to get dc to bed then early night for me,dc back at school tomorrow so only the baby at home which will be easier dont have to pretend i am ok all the time.

H came round to see dc which has left me feeling broken all over again,that deep pain in your chest of heartbreak but at least i dont feel this everyday just when i see him.

Spooky and Fairy sending you huge ((hugs)) All of those feelings you describe I had for a long long time. They faded for me but it took time, nothing could speed it up. More ((hugs)) lovely ladies. It's so hard.

Slightly and fairy, you are still in the early days, and it all takes time, I still have those feelings and wishes to but they do get less in time, and I think the less time and contact you have with them the better.

SMS, your motivation for wanting him to want you really strikes a chord with me. I want XP to want me but I also really want to reject him. I want him to suffer and be lonely. But now that he does feel like that I don't feel any better. Indifference is the way to go. As Romney and Tea wisely say, that comes with time and distance.

Try and keep ur thoughts positive.wishing them bad vibes will just reflect back on u .work on urself and detatch from them.not saying its easy not saying for one minute I managed it all the time.but I do know that the only way I found any peace was knowing if I sent out bad energies they would come back to me and I'd feel even worse.

Does looking forward to a whole bathroom cabinet and wardrobe to myself count as positive?

Patience is so right. Negative thoughts only affect you. They don't feel your thoughts. They are not affected by what's in your head. It is a complete waste of energy to feel negative.. You just need a few minutes of feeling positive to realise how liberating it is.

SMS, I emptied our bathroom cabinet and wardrobe of XP's stuff within 12 hours of finding out about his infidelity. In fact, I blitzed the house and put his whole life into green garden waste bags. Didn't want to waste the black bags as I had a bit of a glut of green ones.

Ooo there's a tip.... I can get purple ones free from council....I have to buy black ones from Tesco...I shall ring the council and get some extra ones delivered

Yep spook clear out all those negative energies that u associate with ur X .rearrange and reclaim all ur living space .all positive.I am very lucky that I have got to a place of no bitterness no resentment.but ultimately this was always my goal to completely change my Outlook re negative life events.this just happened.I had to deal with it and move on.I don't want to be a bitter woman,just ain't sexy.

couple more good points about H not living here:
-having bed to myself
-not having him hogging and stinking out the toilet every morning.
-not having to listen to him being a moody shit to the kids because he is in a bad mood.
-being able to watch what i want on the tv,be on the laptop as much as i want.
-Not having to moan at him constantly to do his 1 household chore.
-not being constantly let down,by his drug hazed memory
Am going to try and concentrate on these instead of the feelings of wanting him which seem to be taking over my mind at the moment

Good for u fairy also not smelling weed everyday is a huge bonus for me x

Waves to Patience

Fairy if you get a minute theres a thread on Lone Parents about loving being single which might make you smile and reinforce the types of reasons its not all bad being man free

Yes, I'm amazed at how much tidier the house is because I didn't think XP was that messy but clearly he was. I have to hunt round the house to find things to make up a load of washing and the bottle/can recycling has easily halved as no more beer cans when previously there were 4 or 5 every night.

hello everyone - very quiet on here - hope people are alright?

I am OK - H had DD yesterday and took her out - inset day - she didnt want to talk to him when he phoned on Sunday DD's decision - finds it difficult to talk to him very day on the phone - so we didnt answer the phone. She told me that he questioned her about it and was quite angry - shaking his head . He also went back to the issue of her staying over again - and she said that she isnt ready for this and he was shaking his head again!

He needs to give her the time to make her own mind up - still at least she stood up for herself.

Back to school this am - had to walk past the OW and her posse this am and DD said that the OW's D was staring at her ! I said just ignore we have done nothing wrong. I will be so glad when we move schools and she and i dont have to go through this. He really has his head up his arXX because he doesnt seem to realise that this close proximity is really a problem for me but more importantly his DD.

I suspect that he will move in with her when the lease runs out on his temporary place and then they will be living down the road together and he will be wanting to take DD to their house. I cant see DD being happy or prepared to do this - she struggles to see her Father in a favourable light but dislikes the OW and is smart enough to know when she is being bullshitted or smarmed.

Locks are changed - i think we are moving on without him really well but it is so hard when you think about the impact on the children - i know they are resilient but things will never be the same again - her respect for her lovely Dad has gone and he has dropped below the dog in the batting order of who she loves. If this was me i would be heartbroken.