Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Fairy - your going to have the odd wobble, they will get less in time and last less time. You have got so much on your plate at the moment, thinking of you and sending you strength.

I looked after my mum for 7 months while she was dying of pancreas cancer, in fact moved in with her and I didnt have all the other things that you are coping with.

Elsie good luck for tomorrow, and hope your son gets on ok. Thought you had been a little quiet and was worried about you.

Hi All,

Had a reasonable day.....I don't think I have shed a single tear today....came close but no actualy tears :)

Trying to plan holiday for me and DDs....dunno what to do. I am torn between using all of "our" Tesco clubcard vouchers on a week at Butlins, thinking it will be nice and reasonably stress free for my first holiday as a single mum...and we can stay on site and let teh redcoats entertain the kids if I don't feel like doing any more.

Or...

Using most of my Tesco vouchers leaving some for xP to take them away, probably for a short break....The benefit of this is that I will book more beds, and if want my parents will come with me...this will be Park resorts and I will probably spend more money on days out.

In some ways I feel this is the better option as I have the back up of my parents if I want it...which could take the pressure off in fairgrounds, at teh evening caberet with someone to wacth DD3 whilst I do big rides etc. with DTDs....Butlins will be much nicer though....

...oh...I thought the fact that there was only 1 person to make the decision would make it easier..but I just don't know what to do for the best....

Maybe I should go for Butlins cos it is what want and make it work.....

Sorry for the inane ramble...

romney-i think i feel bad because i am normally quite an in control/organised person which is complete opposite to h,a few weeks ago we found out mums cancer had spread to lungs,areas of concern were there before but now have developped and confirmed as secondary cancer.Now me and mum have took this in our stride as know path of course but yesterday i started thinking and i really cant remember if i told dc that this has happened ,how bad is that?this will be a huge thing for the elder to who are 11 & 13 and i promised them i would tell them everything but i am 80% sure i did not tell them,how could that happen?i am worried now about the effect ADs are having on me ,maybe i am not really turning a corner just entering a drugged up phase where my feelings and reality are veiled? i had feelings early on that tablets were making me disconnect from reality ,am quite worried now that i am not really moving on just living in a parallel doped up life

I wonder the same fairy, as I have made such good progress, but I now feel that if the ADs can get me through this in time I will be able to wean myself off them when the time comes, I dont want to go back to the feelings of looking at trees and choosing one!! So you may wonder what good they are doing but you have to remember that you are not having those suicidal thoughts.

One of the reasons you probably cant remember if you told DC is that you have got so much going on in your life at the moment. Take whatever help you can.

Just go back to ur doctor fairy and have a chat about ur feelings.do u go for a review after a few weeks.either change dose or change meds.do u write a diary or write on ur calender what kind of day uve had.I think the conversation with X is our sub conscience wanting our old life back for the stability we had ,we want it back when we talk to the guy that we trusted and loved for so long .my X was doing that on Friday nite explaining himself to me and telling me he was a nice guy and he isn't controlling the 21 yo.nowadays I just think aye u keep telling yerself that pal.Eejit.but it has taken me a long time to get here.I think he still sees me as a mother figure but instead of a husband I wanted I just got a 12yo that never grew up x

slightly mad -am confused by your post,you are not saying that you would give some of your vouchers to your xp to use for days out with his kids? whilst i appreciate you earnt the rewards whilst living together,his behaviour has put you in the position you are in,so do what is best for you and dc.Dont make any decision just yet,wait till he has moved out then see how you feel.

romney-thats how i feel and to an extent i accepted that my feelings/emotions were being numbed but it was for the best but this last week of being so high and then now realising that i have done this makes me realise the effects they are having.The elder dc are not going to understand because after we kept the cancer secret at the begining i promised never to do that again,i feel panicked or is it just that finding out it had spread was too much for me to deal with it and i just closed it off although this does not make sense as i remember telling mil last week.
Patience-not got any choice about medication/dose as still breastfeeding dd ,so untill i find the strength to stop that there is not much i can do

No worries fairy ,I would try and keep a record of how u feel if u can sometimes it helps x
Spook I agree with fairy ,its everyman for himself when u split .good ur going away though ,I'm relying on X s maintenance if that's to happen so not holding my breath ,but camping weekends are prob for us this year .

Need to decide in the next week, before some expire.....

Tbh whether xp gets any or not is not really a huge issue (particularly if he is going to spend them on holiday/activities for dcs)

I guess I am trying to work out whether to go for expensive relatively high quality holiday on paper but on.my own which may impose limitations...or cheaper with room for my parents which may give more flexibility in entertaining the different ages...

Sorry didn't mean to brag about going away....we are only going cos my Tesco vouchers will pay in full.

If it helps on the AD front, I have been there before when all this shit with ow first surfaced 18m ago...they certainly took the edge off the emotional turmoil, and allowed me to deal with everyday life, like getting out of bed and feeding dcs. What they don't do (obviously) is solve the underlying problem...but as long as you recognise that, you make steps towards dealing with underlying cause in your own time whilst you are on them....

As for weaning off them...it wasn't too bad...I think that you will have established your new routines by then, hopefully you will have gone some way towards dealing with the emotional turmoil between now and then and be in a better place with new routines and time without your x's to bolster you up...hope that makes sense.

Spooks didn't think u were bragging at all I think its fab,I just had a laff thinking of me going camping on my own ,prob attempt overnight anywhere first rather than a weekend LOL.but yes def want to think positive about getting a holiday,we all deserve a break I think x

spooks-did not sound like you were bragging so dont worry ,its hard because we would normally have them to make this decission with.If you go away on your own you may feel you have a proper break as you and dc are away from everyone ,you wont talk about xp unless kids bring it up.If you go with your parents you may find yourself talking about xp with them and not feel as much that you have had a break from everyone but then you would have them to help ,keep you company as you dont know how you will be feeling once xp moves out and life on your own becomes the norm.Have you ever been to any of the places you are thinking of going to? If it was me i would feel empowered if i managed to go away on my own but i would probably go with my parents if you really get on as it can be hard surronded by families,a trip to the park sets me off dads playing with their kids but only you know what you can deal with.
My 5 year old keeps moaning at me asking when are we going on holiday next,really not sure what to do am thinking either a holiday in england possibly on my own if i go down south to where i have family or paying for my brother to go with me and go abroad but i will leave it till nearer the time to decide as very up and down at the moment.
H came up to see dc today and brought dss up which was lovely and my dd was so pleased to see him,it was so cute i nearly cried.Have managed the last 2 times not to ask him anything emotional or discus things like that with him which i am pleased about.

Well done fairy ,its the interaction that I still struggle with,somedays its better than others.with me its just an addiction now.I need to break it accept he is someone's bf and move on .

Hi, I've posted on the other dumpling thread about the court case so I won't go over it all again. Suffice to say ds has done his bit, doesn't have to go back and we're just waiting to hear the verdict.

Lots of dumplings having hard times which is sad but talk of holidays = thinking of the future and that is very, very positive. Don't want to sound patronising but you deserve a big pat on the back for even thinking about going on holiday. It is a major, positive step.

Thinking of you and your mum fairy. Hard times, I know.

Romney, I agree about the ad's. I'd take them for the rest of my life if I thought I needed to but hope not to obviously. If you're diabetic you take insulin, if you have high blood pressure you take anti-hypertensives. No difference, in my book.

Dev, you ok?

Thanks ET - and i am ok and hope everyone else is doing well? i have a few days off for half term and have my lovely cousin arriving this afternoon so lots of girly chats and catching up to do.

i am really feeling much better - bit worried because i am feeling so much better and might have a relapse and it is such a relief to be out of that pit of despair. It has been 8 weeks and 1 day - you can tell that i am still counting- so i know it is early days.

I know that some things happen for a reason and maybe this is one of those - there are better times ahead for me and my DD. To be honest - some of the things are little things - sorting out a dog walker and getting some plans together for repairing some of the mess in the garden left by my H.

One of my best friends came to stay earlier this week to help with childcare and spend time with DD who is her goddaughter and she said that i look amazing - i have lost lots of weight but feel better for it - and that she is so pleased that i am coping.To be honest she was never my H's number 1 fan anyway as she always found him difficult to talk to and that he didnt make much of an effort.

DD and i are away for a week in a couple of weeks anyway and we are both really looking forward to the time away and away from having to drive past her house and see her at school.

i hope things are looking up - they feel as though they are.

We also do camping - have a big garden and plenty of room if people fancy a camping or staycation in Dorset this year - you lot have kept me going throughout the last 6 weeks when i discovered Mums net and i am happy to host! I mean it!

Dev think we all worry about taking a step back, but on the up side of that is that the pit of despair doesnt last as long, the pit is getting smaller and will one day without us noticing will close all together.

Really would like some sunshine feeling a little down today myself but know later or tomorrow will feel better.

ET - hope the verdict comes back as you want.

Dev my fortieth is in Aug do u fancy having a dumpling meet to celebrate,I won't be offended if u decline.
But id love an adventure down south,my kids are 4 and 5 btw.

hope everyone is doing ok.
Slightly-did you decide what to do about your holiday?
Patience-you should take dev up on her offer,then us 3 could meet up.
Dev-i live about 2 hours train journey to Weymouth not sure what part of Dorset you are in,i used to live in Blandford as a child and my Grandparents lived in poole before they died.
Mil had children overnight which was nice as took older dc to cinema ,then home for late night and munchies,even though ds protested with his teen angst they had fun,then i spoke to them this morning about the thing with my mum and turns out i hadnt told them which although worrying is understandable and i would rather have the comfort the AD are giving me + a few hazy moments like this than the suicidal thoughts i was having before.I managed to explain it in a way which hopefuly made them realise i hadnt kept it from them on purpose but not letting on that i am a slight fruit loop as they would say.
Still feel that i am not moving on in terms of detachment,i am still living in hope that H will come back but am not totaly dependant on it as before ,i know i can do this by myself .I think i need to look at his access to the dc at the moment after much pushing from me and his mum he phones them every day and last 2 weeks has been seeing them twice a week but this is at my house and think this needs to change but very hard as with his hours,the fact his days off change every week and gets short notice eg.friday gets rota for week starting sunday am not sure how things can change.

Fairy - well done for telling the children truthfully about not keeping anything from them, they have seen what you have been going through so will definitely understand your mishap in not telling them sooner. Please also that you realise although the ADs might make you a little hazy at times they are helping in the long run.

Also understand what you said about hoping they will come back, in time the hope fades, I suppose I will always have a little hope but I do know that the relationship wouldnt work now after 6 months as he has hurt me far too much, so eventually I hope I will let go of any hope, but I will never wish him happiness with OW and hope the relationship fails. Theres a lot of hopes in that paragraph!!!

Patience, Fairy and others - not far from Poole really - we are East Dorset - and would be happy to host a visit in August.

We have lots of room and a big garden if camping is on the agenda.

I have had a much better week this week - although woke up feeling much lower today. DD had a bad evening - lots of tears and needed lots of cuddles from me and my cousin who was visiting. We have been shopping today and to build a bear which has cheered her up. All this cheering up costs lots of money though - but it does help in the short term

Her Dad is coming to pick her up and take her swimming a bit later - she hasn't seen him for about 10 days so that will be good for her.

i am going to try and stay out of his way. We are going to the pub to meet friends later - quite a big crowd of Mums and Dads and kids meet up - the only thing is that i am told that the OW tried to book the specific table that we sit at for a meal tonight. The landlady told her it was booked already - what is that all about - nasty or what ? i cant believe that my H knows as i dont think he would condone her behaviour. Maybe he really has been brainwashed like everyone says or is having a midlife breakdown and he is in on it.

Dev-i know what you mean,i am treating my dc to things a lot more now a lot of the time its because i feel guilty about being such a crap mum at the moment.
Rom-well its been 2 months now and hate the fact that i would still have him back,although i do have moments of clarity when i see him for what he is a selfish dirty old man.
Am feeling a bit sorry for myself today,have got a bug so keep being sick,just glad the older dc are off school to help look after ittle dc,times like these i hate being a single mum.

Fairy so sorry you are sick today. Yes the clarity moments will get more, I still have to think about certain negatives things when my heart takes over my brain, which is still quiet a lot. Yes was only thinking on my way from visiting a friend in hospital, of H and mine that H is a dirty old man!! You have to think they have good a character flaw that we didnt know about.

Dev have a good evening at the pub, you are so brave knowing that OW will be there.

"the only thing is that i am told that the OW tried to book the specific table that we sit at for a meal tonight" She sounds deranged quite frankly and a little creepy to keep doing things like that. You're doing so so well in extremely difficult circumstances Dev. Your OW takes it to a whole new level. Your DD is lucky to have you, the build a bear sounds great. Very hard for you both at the moment.

August meet up your way sounds lovely. I'd have to bring me 2 & 3 yr old though.

I've been feeling quite low lately and have been on ebay watching out for good bargains and bidding for them. As I have very little money but my two children need more things to occupy them until the weather warms up enough for local park paddling pools, picnics etc. It makes me feel better to see them both having fun with new toys. Such as the mini trampoline I picked up earlier this week for £7.50 which they both love jumping on.

DS is sleeping terribly and I've started a thread in the sleep topic for more ideas. But I am lurking but I'm too exhausted to do much more really I used to post far more meaningful replies than I do now.

Sorry Fairy I missed you were poorly. It's so hard when you're ill as a lone parent. Hope you feel better soon lovely and the DCs will all be in bed soon x

Hi all,

Sorry you are feeling ill fairy, there seems to be so much going around.

I feel bad that I don't seem to be contributing much, you are all so far ahead .of me in your road to recovery. I am just trying to catch up with your backgrounds. Ow does sound deranged in the extreme!
I haven't decided about holiday yet. I know I am capable of doing this on my own so I think I need to stop trying to prove that to myself. I have asked Dcs, one wants to go on our own, one wants to go with grandparents and the third wants to have a few days on our own and a few with grandparents... so that doesn't really help with the decision making...

The other thing I am starting to think about is how often xp will see them. What do you do? Dcs are not aware of why he will be going and I am not planning on stopping them have a relationship with him. He will see them most days because he will be doing morning school run twice a week, and afternoons 3 times a week. I have no intention of him having them overnight Midweek, so it will just be weekends. I have said not every weekend or I will miss out on quality time when I can actually do stuff with them....I am currently thinking he can have them 2 weekends in 3.....what do you think?