Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Hi Spooks - welcome to the thread no one really wants to be on, but really needs and appreciates! (I imagine - I don't want to talk for others)

Interesting statistics about new relationships. I find that sort of thing very comforting but I don't think we should waste any time/mental energy thinking about it.

SMS, sorry you find yourself here. But I think you should have been here a long time ago given what you describe. You cannot afford to forgive him again. Imagine you are advising your very best friend who is in your situation and STAY STRONG.

Fairy, you sound stronger - a big strong muscle-bound fairy today . Enjoy this moment of strength and how it makes you feel. Put it in a box and save it. Then when you feel weak again just open the box to remind yourself that you can feel strong again. Does that make sense?

Dev, I feel your anger towards the OW. I sought revenge on OW in a major way and made her squirm big-time and that is an understatement. But eventually, I had to admit that XP was every bit the trollop that she was. My ds is the same age as your dd and I felt (still feel) like a lioness protecting her young. The anger gets you through some dark days.

Big wave to Tea and Patience . How you doing, Where?

Hi Elsie, how are you?

elsie-yes that makes sense,its been a great feeling,slight bit of anger mixed with a lot of indifference and a little bit of pity(for him,sad old perv),now that i have felt it i know i will not be like this all the time but it will return and i just need to remind myself of how great it feels.
Tea-i think its great how you and your xh work together with the kids,i doubt i will have that with mine as he was never tha great to begin with but as long as i encourage and accomadate him,it will be his choice to let them down.
where-agree intresting statistics,would be nice for my H to get dumped ,so he sees how it feels,but like you say not worth wasting energy thinking about.

Well they say life begins at forty....for him that has ultimate truth....he has to start his life again....right down to buying new pots and pans...starting new friends (most of his friendship circle revolves around OWs DH, and although that relationship hasn't completely broken down cos she is denying it it isn't fantastic).

In fact P is sitting on my sofa (he doesn't actually move out for a few weeks) with his duvet and pillows looking very lonely....no-one to text (OW) and no-one to talk to...

SMS, are you me??? Except xp never got the chance to rest his sorry arse on the sofa .
Seriously, we have some serious shit in common.

Nope don't think so....I will take a look back thru thread for any coping strategies though...need to.try and sleep right now...

Looking for wise words this morning...

Any strategies for dealing with parents would be welcomed...my mum is distraught. She is desperate to come and see me, and tbh I just don't want her here. We don't have a mega close bond anyway, and I just want to be on my own.

She doesn't live local so no hugely practical benefit of her being here.

I don't want to talk about it (with her). She had more than one affair, and tbh she is the last person I want to talk to.

I know this sounds terrible but do you have caller id? Screening your calls might be one solution to ease things. Being assertive can be hard with parents I sometimes find, but you need to find a way to make it clear verbally that you need space and time to process things and it's a very kind offer but you'll be fine. Or be brutally honest Not sure I'd want to see my mum if my circumstances were like yours. That's for sure. Must be hard for you.

Yeah, I physically can't speak to her and she physically can't speak to me cos we both ended up in tears.

She rang xPs mother last night and found out that i will be here alone Sunday...and wants to come up.

ATM I have told her I am shopping with a friend and that I will try and go to hers the following weekend...hoping (deluding maybe) myself that i will be able to face her by then.

I know she is distraught but I am too.

Just put urself first.that is the ultimate coping technique.look after urself and dcs and that s it.don't worry about anyone else's feelings ,have a healthy selfishness.u have enough on ur plate.call them if u want to talk but nothing wrong with ignoring them .
Ps don't worry about ur X either,he's a grown up,he knew what he was doing and u reap what u sow.

Sometimes being polite and delaying but saying how about next weekend, doesn't help and instead they'll keep pushing and pushing until you finally give in as you move goal posts, so to speak. I would perhaps write her an e-mail asking her not to ring XP's mother for startes? I think that's a boundary she shouldn't cross quite frankly and it wasn't appropriate to ring her and that if you need her you'll let her know but you do not want to see her at the moment.

• starters

It's hard finding the strength at times like this as you struggle with all the emotions but perhaps an e-mail would be better, as you can take your time about it.

She has no business phoning xp s mother.this is all controlling behaviour and overstepping the mark.she won't like it when u stand up to her but she will get used to it .ur not ungrateful if u don't want her help .

Spook when u feel stronger read co dependant no more by melody beattie and women that love too much by robin norwood.it will explain a lot of ur mums behaviours and the patterns u grew up with.take care of urself x

hello all...sms - welcome and we are here for you - my DD similar age to your children and it is really hard for them as well as you. I took my DD out for supper last night and we went to a pizza place that we had last gone to with the H all-together for our anniversary a few years ago... the waiter showed us to the same table and i had to say to him - sorry can we sit somewhere else because the last time we sat here was for this and we have now split up because of his affair. He was lovely and said you will meet someone better next time! DD and i had a little laugh about it whereas a couple of weeks ago i would have been in tears about this. So i suppose that is progress.

I then sent H a text about looking after DD on an inset day and he said yes so i also thanked him for the rubbish clearance which i am pleased to say he did. Then it all went downhill because he said that he had kept all of half term free in case i wanted him to have DD - i had already told him that i was off for most of it- i gave DD the options as to what she could do and she chose to spend time with others. He then sends me a text back saying "wot is she doing".

I know that he will believe that this is me keeping her away from him - i really am not and have been encouraging her to see him all the way through- but i am not going to force her to see him - it simply isnt fair.
You really can't win can you? To compound it all we were a bit late leaving school and getting home and as we drive up our road we see H coming out of the OW's drive and driving past us. DD was slumped in her seat and ignored him - he waved- because she is upset about seeing him come out of there - and then when she asks him where he had been when he phones her later -he ignores the fact that he was coming out of her drive and says that he had been working somewhere else!

if he continues to liedistort the truth like this she will lose even more respect and love for him - she already says he is a cheater and a lier.

I would be tempted to call or e-mail him and give him a few home truths to be honest It took quite a number of times before my ExH finally took it on board. On the otherhand he maybe one of these people who will never respect your opinion now and you'd be wasting your breath. Is she having counseling now did you say? Is it helping?

Tea - i have phoned him a few times and tried to explain how she is feeling- but he simply doesnt want to know or prefers to believe his version of events. I have also tried to give the home truths but to be honest i am wasting my breath- remember the conversation last week about her trying to avoid me allegededly- and then when DD and i are in the pub on Friday and OW and H know we are going - she turns up and sends her "friend" round to see where we are!

DD not having counselling but has access to a trusted teacher for chats and i think this is helpful. We also "roleplayed" how she could tell her dad no if he tries to coerce her into doing something - for example sleeping over when she has told him she isnt ready for a while for this.

I thibk i would be wasting my breath.

Devastated - I wouldnt waste my breath, I remember when my two were young and exH left for my DD best friends Mum, he wouldnt listen to me about how the situation was affecting them and wanted to believe his story regarding DC. Thinking of you.

Feel for you Dev. XP maintained that ds was fine about it all until school arranged for specialst counselling for him. He realises now but hates to be reminded so won't come up to school or even discuss it with me. Selfish prat. Yours too.

Oh dear Devastated, I think these men have their own ideas (delusions) and nothing we say will change what they think - they have to do that themselves when they can no longer kid themselves they are right because there is too much evidence to the contrary. Not that I'm any expert, only my opinion.

I went to the hairdressers yesterday. She knows us all and I told her what's been going on. She told me she cut his hair last weekend and he told her he had a 22 year old girlfriend and his children are fine about it and got over his leaving He left 2 months ago and our dc are 12 and 16. He is believing what he wants to believe so he doesn't have to acknowledge he is a selfish twat. Nothing I could say would change his mindset - hoping time will do that.

Sorry to hijack this thread and sorry I've gone off on one. I just hate what these men are dong to our children

Me too where,
Just selfish scum x

Hi DD - I'm trying to catch up with your story and just want to say your ex i a selfish twunt and sending you lots of love.
Where - I agree with you and second Patience x
Welcome SMS. You're in a good place here love

where-these men ,just brain wash themselves i think,how refreshing would it be if he had sat there and said yes i am a total shit,my wife is in pieces and my kids wont get over it,do blokes like that exist?
Dev-how about getting H to come round to talk to dd with you there,so she has the strength to tell him how she feels with you there for support?
Well all good with me,feel like i have turned a corner,am not feeling that total heartbreak,how can i live ,desperation all the time.Although things are awful,me and the kids are still alive and have somewhere to live and food in our bellies so things could be worse,i will get through this.Was a hard day as went to mil and she had little dc while i went to ds parent evening,its difficult being around her knowing we dont have the bond of loving H anymore.Not sure i will be feeling this good tomorrow night as H is coming to tea and put dc to bed.

Glad ur feeling like ur moving forwards fairy good luck 2morrow nite x