Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Elsie - I understand and agree with everything you are saying [writing]. I supose it'll all take time for them to face up to things and the discomfort of their selfish behaviour.

Does it make it easier for you to cope with things knowing all this?

I want my h to feel regret because, yes, I do want him back and the future I anticipated we were going to have and I'm scared sh*tless about the dire financial predicament he has put us in. So I supose I want a bit of revenge [not healthy] and I can't turn off 21 years of love in a few short weeks. My heart is ruling my head still because if I remember how he has treated our DD and utter disrespect he has shown to me, I shouldn't want him back.

"that of course H does not want me and the life i can offer when he is having a stress free life,all the sex he wants,no responsibilities and just them to think of,why would they want the daily grind of family life when they can just turn up as a sunday dad get all the fun and no grief?" That's exactly how I felt. I've finally after many months gotten to a place of not caring though. The thought of their relationship breaking down also kept me going And that he may regret his actions ultimately.

It takes a while for the heart to catch up with the head where

If they don't regret dumping their families, then, well...what does it say about them...?!

I must admit, it is these sorts of thoughts which keep me going atm - it's only been a couple of months. I keep fantasising how the conversation will go when he comes crawling back telling me he made the worst mistake of his life...I know I'm being ridiculous!

Yes Tea - my head tells me I'm well rid but my heart aches for him sometimes.

I wish you could tell me how long iit takes, but I know everyone and every situatiion is different.

I think the longer down the road to indifference u go the less u care about his regrets,karma and the like because ur too bothered getting on with UR Life.work thru everything ,every emotion,leave no stone unturned,repress nothing,My ambition is not to blame ,not be bitter,to have an inner peace and prosperity that I would never have known if I hadn't been dumped.I made that pledge and I'm sticking to it .I've lost so much of my old baggage ,its been a gift.find people to work thru ur journey with u ,music,counsellors ,dumplings ,we are all part of a non judgemental support network and its free x

Wise words Patience - I hope I can be as strong and positive as you.

Where, if you won the lottery and were financially sound, would you still want him back?
I'm not saying it's all about money but if you absolutely knew that you could support you and your dc in a life of luxury would you want him to be the man you shared it with?
Wouldn't you prefer to surround yourself with people who truly loved you?
If you felt like you controlled your own life would you still feel you needed him?

Where I also think these emotions are our heads coping with the shock,21yrs is a long time x

You know what? I HATE to admit this but I would take him back for the wrong reason; financial security.

I have been with him since I was 17. We used to be very broke (including flat repossesion) and I remember the constant anxiety and worry not being able to pay the bills and £15 weekly shops (early 1990s). I have been a SAHM so not built up a career. people have said to me being a SAHM is the MOST important job but it won't pay the bills. I don't have alot of experience which will help me get a job. Before he left I couldn't even get an interview for a crap job, let alone anything that paid over minimum wage.

I don't have many people who love me - 'only' my children. I don't have extended family or v close friends, so that's another reason I'm missing him and want him back.

After how he's treated us (especially our daughter) I wouldn't want to share, say, a lottery win with him.

Its an epic journey where,biblical at times and yeah its been emotional,just stay true to urself ,don't try and cut corners,don't try and push fast forward,learn to love urself in a big big way ,start tomorrow do something frivolous and indulgent to make u smile ,fuck everyone else ,just do it x

Sometimes grief is like wading through an endless river, trying to get to the other side.
Sometimes grief is like suddenly splashing in a puddle - the pain is intense for a while and then goes again as quickly as it came.
I don't think anyone ever fully recovers from heartbreak. But you learn to live with it, subdue it, learn from it and improve your life after it. And you become a much strnger, deeper person because of it x

Never say never ggm ,life goes on ,its the only thing guaranteed,clocks keep ticking,years roll on.I think u accept life will never be the same again,but its a much healthier life for me without H.my prayers were definately answered the day he left .but I can't be around negative people ,that is a huge lesson I have learned .So I don't bother with them anymore I make my own path.I believe ur heart mends and it becomes bigger,then u can give out even more love.for me its emotional development and maturity.

Hello everyone - hope you are ok Fairy? it is very quiet on here but i just wanted to say that my copy of the Shirley Glass book arrived earlier this week and i have been devouring it because it makes such a lot of sense to me as to why my H has behaved as he has.

I really wish that i could give it to him so that he could see what he has done and why and understand that this trollop -ow is not the love of his life and what he is giving up or should i say has given up.

Tea - my DD is 9 later this spring and is a mature -but very sensitive girl but was challenged by H yesterday about had she seen him coming out of the OW's drive - and when she said yes- asked her did it upset her. Her response to him was no - when i know and she told me that it does upset her and that she feels abandoned by her Daddy and doesn't want to make him cross. He doesnt believe me - yes he knows i dont lie.

He has also bought her some clothes - she loves clothes and we enjoy shopping together - and he has always been a bit scornful of this - for her to keep at his house - including a dressing gown and tooth brush for when she stays. She has already told me and him that she isn't ready for this and doesn't think she will be for some time so i feel that he is putting pressure on her. What do you also do with the crap food that he keeps giving her - yesterday he texts me to say that she wasn't hungry and didnt have tea at his house - no wonder when she tells me that she had chocolate milk and quavers and jammy dodgers to eat!

When he started to unzip his trousers for the trollop he seemed to have lost his marbles at the same time.

I despair of ever having a decent relationship with this man and wish that he would take up his threat and go and work away. I think this would be easier for me and DD but perhaps that is not fair.

Locks are being changed on house asap.

Room for a new one?

Brief history, XP has just been found out for having 3rd affair....and the most recent has been predominantly emotional and not "fully" physical he is leaving next month.

DTDS (9) know he is moving and are up and down about it. I am still spending all my time sobbing, and struggling to face life.

I am trying to face the responsibilities of being a single parent to 3 children and a full time student...but TBH I am struggling and thinking that I may have to give one or both up...

Devastated - you are sounding stronger, but understanding their mindset will always elude me. I dont think I will ever understand but I have had to move on from this as I will probably never know the reasons why and as time has gone on it becomes less important and I know now he would only re-write history.

I know the feeling of not recognising them anymore and maybe that is in our favour so we can start to see them for what they really are selfish, deluded men who have not really grown up.

devastated-Does your H have his own place or is he having daughter at OW house?
where-i feel everything you do about a job,i have no skills,just had a crap part time job which had to give up when H left,i am thinking maybe in a year or so i will use this time to retrain to ensble myself to support dc and have a better life.H really makes my blood boil on sunday when he started going on about how poor he is and how well off i must be,am on income support and have to pay out £30 in kids bus fares to school each week,yes im bloody rolling in it.
Am actually feeling some level of detachment today,dont know how long it will last but i like it.He is not the man i thought he was,what relationship i thought i had with him,he did not feel the same,the way he has treated me and dc is so wrong i find it hard to believe i knew him at all,although he did say somthing true "i deserve better".

hello slightlymad,how long have you been with H/have you found out about all the affairs in one go or has this been over some time? sorry about questions,ignore if you want to.
try not to think of the future just getting through today, i am 7 weeks after being dumped for an 18 year old and it does get better,but like you i am wondering if i can do this,its hard ((((hug))))

Sms just chill on big decisions atm ,I managed to wait 7 mths b 4 I had to make any career changes .have u got all ur finances in order,benefit entitlements,seen a sol,tax credits.that sounds so much to sort out but I found it took a lot of the worry away when I knew what money was going in the bank each month.
Hugs to u ,cry ,cry and cry some more let out ur pain and come on here for support whenever u like.
Good u got the book dev,Glad ur getting the locks changed,
All part of empowerment and taking back control.hope dd is finding the mornings easier x
Fairy u are right u can retrain,it doesn't need to be this year but u can research a field u might enjoy working in.don't pressurize urself but enjoy looking.
Where ....do u know what ur going to do with ur degree yet ,is it vocational?

Fairy - H is renting a place - a few miles away - trollop ow lives on benefits so i dont think he can move in with her really or she will lose her entitlement - but as you may remember she lives 500 yards down the road from us and he is there a lot. He does not appear to be working - self employed - and had promised to remove some of his rubbish and tidy garden stuff up - but will probably renege on this - i get the feeling he is very under the thumb and she is very insecure. DD is determined never to have anything to do with the OW - eventually this will change in the very unlikely event that they make it past the next 6 months to a year.

Statistics state that less than 25% of relationships that occur from affairs last more than 2 years, and 75% of marriages that happen from affairs also fail. Understandable really when the lovelust goes and the reality of cold hard day hits home i dont think these realationships are likely to last. I also think that when my H is eventually shafted by the OW - probably has spent all his savings on her-and is cast aside- how will he explain to people in the future why he did what he did - ignoring all the advice from his friends and family, hurting his daughter, and losing his reputation and probably business-and ditching his loving and supportive wife for a woman with a list of conquests as long as his arms and legs put together.

That reminds me to phone the GP for the results of my STD tests....

Been with P for 14-15years.

Caught him having sex with my bf 12 years ago. Too dependent on him to leave him.

Found out about 2nd affair/one night stand about 8 years ago but it was a long time after the event, although I kind of "knew" at the time IYSWIM (but still too depedeant on him to do anything about it.

This time he has been having an emotional affair for 18m-2yr (and I have been making it quite clear that I was not hapy with this relationship over the whole of that 18m-2yr). Turned into something more over last few months.

Confirmation that it had become something more over the weekend. So his 40th Birthday present was the freedom to do what he wants, with who he wants, when he wants!

OW still denying it though (and hence has pulled wool over her DH's eyes)...

He has sorted a place to go, moves out on my birthday of all days, in about 5wks time.

I am OK financially, I have lump sum in savings to get by for at least a year even if I don't bring another penny in. Got abit of a mess financially to sort in terms of seperating finances (he is Self employed) which is adding complexity and because I am student I can't buy him out of house cos I can't get a mortgage. Bottom line is that I should actually be better off than him...but not as well off as I would be with him.

I am guessing there is a lot I can't do re benefits until he actually moves out...but have got student welfare at uni looking at what I might or might not be entitled to.

slightly-wow you have been through a lot with him.Its good you have student welfare helping and money is ok,thats 1 less immediate problem to deal with.Have you spoken to him about how he is going to support you financialy?

Yeah. It's been discussed. He won't oew anything in child maintenane because his income is below threshold.

He is deferring full settlement on the house though to enable me to keep some cash in the bank.

He is also gion to sacrifice working hours to cover a lot of childcare.

Need to put a lot of finer details to it but we have had quite alot of discussion.

He knows he has F*&^ed up, and has made it clear that the DCs will want for nothing.

I would still get some voluntary maintenance agreement sorted out in ur divorce settlement.I understand what u mean re figure worked out from personal drawings if csa were involved but fuck that.chances are when he has his own place he won't have a lot of fun money left,if he has another new partner he might not be as available to look after the kids or have extra
money to spend.
Just being practical ,even the richest dumpling X s have missed payments / changed their terms once they moved out and discovered they hadn't done their sums.fwiw mine left after 40th birthday celebrations,take care of urself its a bumpy road to start with but far better than living a lie.just remember when it comes to Xs they promise lots but it can evaporate.

I really enjoyed Shirley Glasses book, it helped me to make sense of it all in some ways and ask him some difficult questions.

I'm surprised you're not hopping made that he didn't take your word for it on DD being upset about seeing his car at OW's house etc and asked her. To me it makes complete sense why she'd deny it. Poor thing.

To be fair it is only in the last 6 months that my ExH has finally begun to behave much more rationally and supportively and backing me up with the DCs. We have a holistic approach to the children now but it has taken time, lots of arguing and texts/ e-mails to get to this stage. The counseling ExH has been having has helped immensely. However my ExH was just a wimp in many ways. He wasn't an abuser per se. Just a weak fool. Some men will never ever be reasonable though and boundaries need to be put firmly in place.

Hello Spooks welcome to the thread. Always room for one more. Really sounds like you've been through it.