Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

DD has gone out with H for the morning and early afternoon - so far i am not doing bad - have been lurking on here and catching up with a few phone calls.

I asked him for the address of his new place - for the 2 time and he says that he doesnt know it and will let me have it later - i dont believe him - as i know he has redirected some of his post so if you redirect your post you need an address to redirect it to - i have said that if he doesnt give it me i will give them hers- and given that she is on benefits that will cause an issue.

I also asked for his key back - but he said that he still has things that he has to collect -such as what - i ask? Clothes he says - to which i respond that i want to know when he is going to be in the house. I think this is only reasonable - what do you think - given her stalking behaviour with me on Thursday - i dont trust him to stop her from doing things- she only lives 500 yards away from here.

Probably not as detached as i should be - and he also reeked of garlic from the 5 foot away that i was it was overpowering.

We know he was back from his parents yesterday midday - his vehicle was down the road at the OWs place and yet he made no attempt to see DD yesterday because it obviously conflicted with his plans to see the OW.

Yet he says that DD is his priority.

I need to move on and accept that this man is not the man that i love and that man has gone for ever.

Devastated I think you have every right to ask for his key and if he wont return it then insist he offers the basic courtesy of booking a time to come. Mine always did that and I made sure I was out.

To say you probably should have detached more by now is plain crazy and you mustnt think like that.

As far as I recall you considered yourself to be in a happy marriage with no signs of what was to come. Any scenario with an affair is shattering but you have the additional stress of dealing with the fact he is on your doorstep and neither of them seem to be troubling themselves to lessen the impact of that - the opposite in fact.

I know you a lot of support in the village and opinion is against them which is some comfort but doesnt really change alter what you are having to endure.

From your posts I think you are showing remarkable bravery and dignity and should not expect to feel anything like detachment when you are still reeling emotionally. For the time being just keep functioning and allow whats happened to penetrate and cope as best you can . I hate to say it but it will be a while before you feel strong but thats understandable and normal. Its him who is not normal or should I say displaying the same normal traits most of the men on this thread have done.

If you can survive this excruciating situation you can survive anything and believe me the hate and anger will kick in and then recovery can begin for you.

Try not to focus on him seeing/not seeing your dd unfortunately thats another normal thing the disparity between what they say and do.

Keep going devastated it will get easier in time

Detatchment for me dev meant not filling my head every min with my X.so if he was drinking at the start I was worried for his safety etc and also he was telling me I drove him to drink all my fault etc ,i just had to learn to let go.Good that u naturally feel like setting boundaries ,set a time for him to visit or tell him u will bag his stuff .u need that key .big hugs ,have a treat before they come home ,my X s car didn't start ,offered to drop kids but not convenient ,going to meet friend this afternoon and kids tagging along now ,just got to roll with it x

I would change the locks to be honest. I know legally that's shakey ground with a property jointly owned. Not sure if yours is but even if he did give you the key back, she could have taken a copy? I'm not meaning to be paranoid or scare you, I just think for peace of mine a new lock maybe a better way to go. I think in your situation you could bag his stuff up and dump it outside her place or his parents? I know another mumsnetter who did something similar She had serious gumption though, I wish I'd had that sort of attitude.

Dev, you could "accidentally lose all your keys" and legitimately change the locks. Then you could keep forgetting to give him a spare set just as he keeps forgetting his address.
I'm not sure if Tea is referring to me but I dumped all xp's wordly goods on OW within 24 hours of finding out about the affair. Luckily, her H was there to help me unload the car . He seemed a bit bewildered at the time...can't think why .
I am very devious though and do not always uphold the code of dumpling code of serenity and dignity. They bloody deserved it though .

I was referring to you

dev-what have you done about keys,i think the law says if you change the keys ,they have the right to break in but would your H think to do that?i told my h i had changed locks but he realised yesterday i hadnt,so think it might be time do actually do it.
Feeling like crap today ,knowing H will be spending it with her

hi - everyone- in theory the house is mine - in my name - i pay the mortgage and all the bills so have the right to change the locks anyway.

I have spoken to him this am because DD was very upset and had to be peeled off me again this am at school, and told me when she came back yesterday that when she asked him when was the last time he saw the OW he said 2 weeks ago- when she saw his car at her place on Saturday and then saw him come out of her drive yesterday on the way to pick her up. He of course denies that is what she asked and said that it was "when were the OW's children at his house"! what's is that all about - he can't tell the truth about anything can he- no wonder his daughter doesnt feel the same about him.It is reallly sad.

I have made him promise that he will keep the key safe and keep it away from the OW - probably naive i know but there are times when i will want him to have a key and i am going to try and trust him because 2 months ago i would have trusted him with my life.

I keep forgetting it is Valentines - probably for the best but when i woke up this morning at 3.00 i remembered straight away and it was painful to think of happier times.

One thing that i have promised myself in the future is to listen more to my intuition and not bottle out of difficult conversations. I still feel that i could have stopped this and sorted things out if i had not ignored the signs - i know that people will say that it was him who had to stop things and he was too weak and selfish to do anything about things. But i cant help feeling this way. His justification for the affair is that our marriage was in a rut- and to a certain extent i agree - i put up with his lack of conversation, wit, humour and awkwardness around people because i thought he was a great Dad and a decent bloke. Now even his DD doesnt think he is a great Dad- more a selfish man who cant tell the truth, and various friends have come off the fence to say that they have always found him difficult to talk to and get on with and that i deserve and can do better. He always used to have a great work ethic- hard working at home -and doing things for others and to my knowledge he has done very little work for the last 2.5 months and is living off his savings- which wont last forever.

The final thing is i asked DD if she would like to see Daddy on another night this week - he wants to pick her up from school more than once but she is insistent that she only wants him to pick her up once.

dev-my situation is similar to yours house in my name ,but both pay mortgage but i think because it is the marital home he could still do it as till he is renting somewhere else/legaly seperated its still classed as his home,but not 100% sure,they can also registar an intrest in the property with the land registry to stop you just selling before any divorce/settlement is done.It worrys me that H will end up having money out of house,i need to get to solicitor really,its just so painful to do.
Just wish i could go sleep and either wake up to this all being a bad dream or not wake up at all,just had enough,not helped by being up with dd ill most of night.

Gosh - it is really quiet on here....Fairy - i know how you feel i still count back the weeks and think this time 2 months ago i was happy - and then i think yes but i was blissfully unaware of what was going on and if i had been a more suspicious person then i would not have been happy because i would have realised he was up to no good.

This am the dog walkers came and i stayed to see that my lovely dog was ok with them - it made me cry because she looked so frightened and as though i was abandoning her - she is a rescue so has been through this before.

However - a couple of hours later they have texted me to say that she was a good girl so i feel a bit better now. It might be a small step but it means one less thing that i have to rely on him for.

Hope DD feeling better now?

Grrr. Typed a really long post and lost it for no apparent reason but the gist of it was:

Fairy, feeling crap when you wake up is par for the course. That "is it all a dream, oh shit it's my life" feeling is truly awful. I still get it now but it does diminish in time, I promise you.

Dev, please don't allow him to put any of the blame on you. He had an affair because HE chose to. End of. Any problems within your relationship should not involve a 3rd party.

Valentine's day is just another day. The postman is clearly not making a 2nd delivery to my house with a sack load of cards and Interflora haven't been round either. That's fine. I don't want cheap meaningless word from a spineless twunt. I will cook myself a nice meal (Ocado man has just delivered ) and I'm definitely having a big fat cream cake and a bigger fatter glass of wine.
I'm lurking (a lot) but I worked a night shift last night and had a busy weekend with friends.

Come back tonight or come over to the other dumpling thread for some high jinx to cheer you up.

thats the thing elsie,you have a life,a job,friends to socialise with,i dont.i just want to be where you are indiferent to H,not still loving him and watching him having a carefree life with her.Not unemployed,bringing up 4 kids,surronded by misery,although the bad times are not every day now,they seem to be getting darker,i want to hate him but am so lonely,took dd to bed this afternoon and while she slept i snuggled next to her crying my heart out wondering why i had kids if i was just bringing them here for a life time of misery.

Fairy, I am not yet indifferent. My heart still does a little flip when I see him but the scales are falling from my eyes bit by bit. I know that he is not a good person but I do still have feelings for him and it is still painful. Like you, I strive for indifference and we will get there.

Only 2 months ago I was in a very dark place, eyeing up trees because I felt I couldn't go on much longer. I stuggled to get out of bed and every waking minute felt like torture. I was signed off sick from work for around 2-3 months (only just gone back) and I wondered if I'd ever work again. I definitely would not want to work if I had 4 dc's like you. They need you at home with them and you will reap the rewards for being there in years to come.

There is a phase where the dark times get darker; when the anger diminishes and gives way to sadness. The sadness is a physical pain but you have to go through it not round it or it will come back to bite you on the bum. Are you having counselling? You must.

You will get through this. You are getting through this. This pain is healing you. It's painful because your're facing, not running away like he did. x

you're facing it

I would reiterate what ET is saying we were in the same place at the same time, and it really is only time that heals. When posters used to tell me that I thought well can I go to sleep and wake up 6 months down the line and take a quick peak and see if things have got better. The trouble is we have to face all the shit, we cant go round it, right through the middle until we get to a better place.

I have been here before, my exH did the same when my children were young and never wanted to go back to that really dark place again and my H knew that and still put me through this again, but this time its so much worse because I had found what real love was and he trashed it for his own ego! Maybe one day I will see him for what he really is a totally selfish deluded man.

Devastated and fairy its just taking each day as it comes, tomorrow will get better slowly. Dev dont push your daughter to see him more if she doesnt want too. Let her work out in time what she wants, I forget how old is she?

Hi,

I've been lurking as usual...

I don't know about you fairygirl3, but what Elsie wrote gives me hope for the future.

I've been so depressed I now have a Support Worker who spells out all the obvious stuff I'm in too much of a state to see. I'm also unemployed, feel surrounded by misery and feel so lonely. I long to have friends to go out with...She says I can have all this but it is up to me to go and find it. All very obvious but I find it hard to believe it.

It is galling to think of our children's fathers enjoying care-free lives, but like Elsie says we will reap the rewards when our children are older.

Just realised this is a bit of a random post - sorry. Just so fed up with feeling so low that I found Elsie's post very helpful

romney-yes have been here before too,but not true love or so i thought with H,thats what i said to him that this is now the 2nd father figure older dc have had walk out on them,but doubt he was thinking of that whilst screwing someone young enough to be his daughter offering him the easy life3.
elsie-hope i get there like you,the change i have seen in you is what i aim for.

Fairy, I'm only a couple of steps ahead of you, you know. I can hear your footsteps right behind me x

Hello, Where. I haven't looked at your thread recently but I will try to catch up. I don't post on it but I do lurk. I don't believe these men are enjoying carefree lives though. What goes around, comes around and when it catches up with them they will be shit on from a great height. I truly believe that and that thought keeps me going and keeps the bitterness as bay .

hello- sorry did not see your post,must add gettting eyes checked to list of jobs to do !
In a way your support worker is right,i have friends and its up to me to put more into them to get more out but thats easily said when just doing the school run leaves me feeling like i need sectioning,its hard to have a life when you cant go out in evenings or with out dc .I am so fed up with feeling down,i dont choose it and i fight it every day to be able to function enough for the kids,i was 5 minutes away this afternoon from ringing mil to tell her to take dc as i cant do it anymore,when i tried talking to H yesterday he said he did not get why i found it so hard as elder 3 dc were at school in day so only left me dd,TWAT!
Elsie,love that,i am trying to step on your heels but its like running through quick sand,i will get there though,too many people have promised me that for it not to be true.

Fairy try not to talk to ur H about anything emotional just keep it business like .its difficult,its only when I'm low I even think about reaching out to my X .then I am left devastated by his indifference .anyway come on here when u feel crazy,I have posted everything and anything on here,I used to use the preview button and a lot got lost in the edit.just good to let it out.pm me or others,just dump out all the garbage ,if its quiet on here post on the other thread always someone around to listen x

Hi everyone. So sorry I haven't been on here for ages - finding it hard to keep up with two threads. Going to really catch up this weekend. Lots of love to you all xxx

Elsie, why don't you believe these men are living a care-free life? They've escaped the day-to-day stresses of family life with lots of sex with someone new. What's not to like? They push guilt out of their minds.

I also hope Karma catches up with them

I must admit I want h to think dumping his family was the biggest mistake of his life

where-thats what i say to everyone ,that of course H does not want me and the life i can offer when he is having a stress free life,all the sex he wants,no responsibilities and just them to think of,why would they want the daily grind of family life when they can just turn up as a sunday dad get all the fun and no grief? I took want ow to dump H and make him look the middle age perv that he is but the longer they are together the less i think it will happen.

Where, the lives they are living are extremely fragile and they can't push the guilt completely out of their minds. They just turn it into something else - anger, arrogance, blame. They are living a lie because they haven't faced up to what they have done. Every action has a consequence and at some point they must face this. There is a lot of negativity in their lives. The sex is not all that. The new relationship is likely to be deeply flawed if it started as an affair.

Why do you want your H to feel regret? Is it punishment or because you want him back? Only asking because I feel like that too.