Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

It's wrong isn't it Fairy that you have to beg their own father to see them

I was joking about waving She certainly has some audacity though doesn't she?

Devastated I dont know how you do it, I can remember when my now exH left for OW, she drove past me one day when I was crossing the road and really felt like walking out in front of her, and another time I was in Toni and Guy and she walks in to have her hair done as well, they had to take me upstairs as I burst into tears, your doing really well.

Fairy hopefully he will soon see he is being a tos**r regarding the children and will pull his finger out and start proper contact.

It really is soo quiet on here - is there anyone lurking? DD had a nightmare last night and was wide awake at 5.00 this am so i took her in a bit later to school.

FIL should be coming home today -i spoke to MIL who tells me that H has said to her that we were in a rut and that is why he had an affair! i didnt realise that he had lost his ability to speak and think and apparently his priority is our DD! well he has a funny way of showing it given the pain and trauma that he has put us all through.

It makes me spit - i still feel quite low and tired but i suppose this is all normal.

Devastated he is making excuses as to why he has behaved so badly, shame he never told you how he felt!!!

Devastated, I'm sure you already know that he had an affair because HE wanted to feel better about HIMSELF. Eventually, you will get to the point where you don't care what he says or thinks. Anyway, actions speak louder than words. It's not what he says it's what he does that's important.

Good news about FIL. They live some distance from you, don't they?

Fairy, you ok?

< waves to Romney and everyone else>

Devastated I agree this thread is so quiet now. I wish I could give you more help, but I still have my ups and downs now 6 months on. One step at a time. As ET says one day you wont care what he is telling people, he chose to have an affair all for his ego.

i am lurking !
Am ok elsie,just cross with myself that i dont seem to be making any progress with detaching from H,wouls still have him back if he changed his mind,how pathetic is that.

Fairy, it's not pathetic at all and you ARE making progress. Every day you survive and cope is progress but sometimes it is so slow that you may barely notice it. Lots of us would have tried again with our ex's if we'd had a chance because we understand how serious and painful it is when a family breaks up. You can't just switch off those feelings but you can use this time to think about what sort of person your ex really is and hopefully come to the conclusion that you deserve better. Whether that's your ex after he has worked on his weaknesses, whether it's with someone else or on your own is immaterial. You deserve so much more and it will come your way in some shape or form one day.

You reap what you sow. Give love and it comes back to you. Be positive and you will feel positive. Your ex will have a very rude awakening one day.

fairy your not pathetic, I know I was the same and to a certain extent I couldnt hand on heart say I wouldnt take him back even now, but I know he is a very selfish man who only hasnt thought about anyone except himself.

I have only just started making any sort of progress nearly 7 months on, it is a very slow and painful process.

Its strange because he had a lot of bas points and at times was awful to me and the dc but its like my mind wont let me remember them,not sure if its taking the AD that stops it or i am a bit mad.

Im the same fairy, I try to remember the hurt he has caused since he left, the deceit and lies, we had such a lovely relationship and he threw it all away for his infatuation for a young girl 27 years his junior. But I have to try and remember all this to help me move forward as do you, they have been very cruel to us, and we deserve so much better.

The AD's will start to help you soon and no you are not going mad, this is the natural healing process, our brains are not working together with our hearts at the moment, but soon the brain will win and we will see them for what they have done.

thanks romney-i just want some of this love i have for him to be replaced with hate,i just need to remember it is only 6weeks since he left but then i look at him getting on with his life and feel cross that i cant but like you say its time that will make it easier.

Thats men for you they can detach so easily I would love to know how they do it but I think we are just wired differently, I still havent got the hate, although I can see something changing in me as I am now seeing and realising more of his selfishness and self worth.

I am lurking lovely dumplings. Wise words from Elsie and Romney.

Devastated if you really need someone to talk to, come on the other thread I linked earlier, as lots of the older dumplings are on there and would be only too pleased to write words of comfort. A lot of them struggle to keep up with 2 threads now I think. But try and pop into this one when they can. You're always welcome (that's all of you ) on the other thread if this one is quiet. It's almost tempting to go back to one thread imo. As this one has gone so quiet now.

Hello, lovely Tea.
Romney, you've really turned a corner, you know.
Fairy, you're hanging on to the good memories because the alternative is too frightening. You don't want to think that you've got to cope on your own. But hang on, you are already coping on your own (and have been for longer than you realise) and you're making a bloody good job of it .
Dev, how's FIL?

tea-yes it was nice the 1 thread,i do lurk on other thread as its good to read about people getting through this and doing so well,eg kate-would love to be that lady .i just feel a bit odd posting on there as there is the two threads.How are you feeling now? i read you had a few wobbly days with the dc,when my eldest dc were about your dc age i use to really struggle sometimes enjoying time with them,so if i was feeling really hacked off couldnt be bothered etc ,i would force myself to take on a over the top acting role,sounds a bit mad i know but if the last thing i wanted to do was spend time with them then i would force myself to pretend i was enjoying it"right dc lets make a den because we are going to have a picnic with your teddys(think crazy kids tv presenter mode) and before you know it your not forcing yourself but are having fun because they are and you have reminded yourself what the good times can be like,does that make sense?Of course if i did it now my older 2dc would probably be straight on the phone to my mum thinking i had cracked.
Elsie-i look at you as inspiration as i remember when i first came on here you were still having quite a tough time,now look at you so strong and wise,you seem like a completly different lady.
I think the reason i am struggling is because there is now no drama if that makes sense,the first 2 weeks were the shock of him leaving ,the denial of OW,the next 2 weeks were the shock of finding out about OW ,still difficult to refer to her as a woman being barely 18,then the next few weeks were arguing with him to get him to see dc more,talks with mil to get him to do that .Now he is phoning them every night stayed longer sunday is staying even longer this sunday and going to see them in the week,we have spoke to each other normally with out his usual nasty tone and it just makes me feel sad ,reminding me of the good times.

Fairy, the drama is quite addictive. I had plenty of drama for several months and have to admit I actually thoroughly enjoyed some of it. Especially when I got hold of xp's phone and spent the day texting ow as xp . It was like a horror film or a car crash - you don't want to look but you can't help it.
The adrenaline keeps you going but the crash is awful. But you have to go through it, not round it. It hurts like fucking hell but it makes you soooo much stronger in the end.
Keep going, girl.

thats it elsie i feel like the adrenaline that has got me through the last 6 weeks is wearing off but as you say i have managed,i am doing it,yes its bad but i am still here ,i am alive,the kids are doing ok.I have to face up to the fact this is my life,i have to also remember this man cheated on me when i was at my lowest(helping my mum with untreatable cancer),has had to be pushed into having more then minimal contact with his dc and even when he lived here did some bloody awful things to me and dc,am probably mourning a dream(caring h,dc,nice house,holidays)more than him.

ET - I am getting there slowly, still having a few too many wobbles but suppose that its all power for the course! Its lovely to see how well you are doing, I lurk on the other thread but dont feel I qualify to join you yet, but this thread is far too quiet and especially for fairy and devastated.

Must admit on friday I felt I cant do this anymore and realised I was having a big wobble but it didnt last as long as a while ago, so yes I will get there and so will you fairy and devastated, its a slow process but we have no choice but to move slowly through this awful time in our life but one day we will look back and see we made it.

i hope so romney,its just so unfair we cant fast forward through this pain,we did not ask for it ,they have the happy carefree life we get left with the crap.
What i have noticed is like you say when i am feeling bad now it does not last as long,before it would be a bad day ,nothing could lift me,now its a bad few hours but i soon come back up to normal misery levels rather then staying in deep depresive levels.

I spoke to my Relate counsellor about this actually. I said, I don't have bad days any more I just have a bad hour or two. She said what do you do to bring yourself up from a bad time? What happens to distract you? I thought about it and the answer is ME!!! I bring myself up because I'm bloody marvellous and I damn well know it!
Fairy, my xp startd his affair shortly after my father was diagnosed with cancer. Six months later my darling dad was dead and all xp could think about was shagging ow. He was happy to partake in the holidays, cars, nice life etc that my inheritance funded but he wanted to live a double life. How sorry is he now? Sorry that he got found out, that's all.
Romney, you're doing fine. You're narly there x

nearly, not narly

Fil is doing good - came home yesterday. I picked up DD and a friend from school yesterday and apart from half an hour where DD was upset - and we had to explain why to her friend they had a nice time. I also got a dog walking firm round last night so that i can keep H out of this for the future as i think that the less involved he is in my life and the home the better.

DD seemed fine this am - until we got to school and she was confronted with the OW walking towards her - the change was so sudden tears and clinging on to me and not wanting to go into school it was actually quite frightening. Last night when i picked her up and got in the car to come home - the OW followed us up the road -right behind us - what is that all about - surely you would have just waited for 2 minutes and DD saw in the mirror that she was behind us in her new car!

The school have phoned to say that DD has settled down and seems ok. But i phoned the H and said that i have had to peel your daughter off me this morning because she is so distraught- tell your woman to be more discreet or we will end up in counselling and damaging DD for good. He didnt say a word - he is still away in the Midlands with his folks and i put the phone down on him because i was quivering with rage. 2 Other parents saw how upset i was and said that he needs to rein her in - but i dont know what else i can do. To be honest i think i have the opposite problem to some on here in that he would like to pick up DD every day if he could from school - that is if i and she let him. But this makes it worse for DD as she worries that they will be standing toegther and she will be forced to talk to her.

On Tuesday we took the dog to the park for a walk and DD wanted to stay in the car with her barbies and play. I could see her the whole time - but do you know the only thing she asked was what do i do if the OW comes along and wants to talk to me. I obviously reassured her that this wont happen and rehearsed what she might say if OW tried to talk to her at school but this is clearly on her mind.

Any advice-?

Dev that is unbearable and the cheek of the woman - unreal. The only thing I can suggest is counselling for DD -sometimes available through local charities etc. But I would be having very very strong further words with estranged H about her behaviour and the upset caused to DD.

I have never seen OW since I found out affair (knew her well before). She did do something after discovery which was unreal - and some friends coined the phrase the brassnecked bitch for her then. I think yours deserves that name too!

Glad news good for FIL

Overall you are all doing well. I didnt start to feel any better for 9 months. For probably 6 of that the adrenaline was pumping all the time - my sleep was awful and I was sweating with the adrenaline -I couldnt stop it and had to wash very often to cope with it. There is so much to deal with and process. IUve realised that the processing by your mind is very important to deal wuth things and it happens in your sleep too. It just got to happen -and the pain is awful but eventually it starts to settle down.

6 weeks is very early. A friend who decided to divorce her husband said she spent 6 weeks in bed as she found it so hard to deal with -and she initiated the split. You are doing really well to function at all in the first few weeks.

Elsie - lots of good wisdom from you!

Mumfun - thanks for your post.

i had series of texts from ow this am - accusing me of ranting at her friends and suggesting that she comes round to me this afternoon to discuss! i did say 1 sentence to 2 of her friends this am as i came out of school after having had my DD peeled off me by her teacher- words to the effect that i am having to deal with a devastated daughter every day because of what their friend has done. Apparently this is a rant -and one of then told the witch OW who proceeded to get my personal mobile no from my H. This is the first time that i have said anything and is a lesson that i have learned to carry on in my dignified way.

I phoned him and once he admitted that he had given her my number-told him to tell her to stay away from me and that if she continues to contact me or come around to my house i will call the police. He eventually admitted that he was sorry and shouldnt have done this but apparently she has been trying to stay away from me and our DD- her friends have corroborated this - i suggested that the word of her friends that colluded in the affair was not worth much and that if he didnt listen to me - the woman that he has spent the last 13 + years with he might want to ask some of the other parents at school for their unbiased opinion. There is a widely held view that she needs to back off and show a bit of sensitivity - it appears to not matter whether we go to school early or late because she waits if we are late until we have arrived and then sits outside the school in her car until i leave for work.

How on earth could he have thought that this was appropriate? Is he a total f*u=ing idiot! Dont answer that because he obviously is.

She obviously has him right where she wants him and he does what she wants- even at the expense of his DD who he says is his priority.