Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Hi all - I've not been on here for a while and haven't had time to read the thread and catch up. I feel a bit out of touch with everyone's stories so forgive me if this is a bit 'me' and not very giving in spirit.

Am up and down at the moment (feel like shit tonight but mostly due to another bloody cold ) But had the most hideous week last week - knew there was a dip coming but it's still pretty horrible when it comes isn't it?

The catalyst was XH asking for Mayday bank hol weekend (we share parenting at weekends at mo) and I suddenly realised that he and twinkletwunt were at the planning romantic weekends away stage of their relationship and it suddenly struck me my marriage was over. Really, really over. Slowly climbed out of the pit but then XH texted me today to ask for the 'royal wedding' bank hol weekend which also happens to be our wedding anniversay so that's great that they've chosen that weekend to have time together/meet families or whatever they're doing.

Ho hum - had a nice snog yesterday with a guy I've known for years and years (but that brings it's own problems in that I know I've always liked him more than he likes me so I've really got to watch myself with that - plus we have a lovely supportive friendship which I don't want to screw up)

It will all be better when I've had sleep and feel less bunged up and caught up with this lovely thread

Devastated and Tea I know what you mean about the weekends. We used to do stuff together as a family and it is so hard not to compare then and now and feel upset and depressed how things have changed

Fairygirl3 Sorry to butt in, but I think you are being very hard on yourself. My H left before christmas and for weeks I couldn't deal with our 2 children (older than yours and more independent), couldn't face preparing meals didn't do any washing/house work etc. The only thing which kept me going (along with support from ladies on mn) was the plans I made for suicide - the levels of shock and depression were massive and the support was, well...not massive. I still can't believe the situation I've found myself in but I think the Prozac is begining to work (even though I was giving up on it ever working so I hope it is not placebo effect).

In the great scheme of things, 6 weeks is not a long time. If you are anything like me, you'll be wishing you could 'fast forward' time so you feel better but as everyone says on the other threads, we have to live through it to get through it, so we have to be patient.

I know it feels like a living nightmare, but we mustn't leave our children. If we succeed in killing ourselves, they will have to live our pain for us - and more for the rest of their lives - and we have to find the strength to save them that.

Sorry, just read that back and it sounds so unappreciative of support from ladies on mn - I meant real life support was not massive - virtually non-existant. I'm very appreciative of the support I have recieved from here

where-so true about our children living our pain,i am still traumatised about my mum tring to kill herself when i was 12,so i feel cross that i am even thinking about it but life just feels so hard.Meanwhile he is living his care free life and when i ask him to have his kids more then 3 hours a week cause i am struggling he talks to me in such a cold heartless tone i cant believe he ever loved me.

Fairy - go back to the GP, they can up the dose or change it. I'm on 20mg Fluoxetine and it made a huge difference. Your current ADs may not be right for you.

I'm treating myself and watching SALT rented on BT Vision. Enjoying it and it takes my mind off everything.

If we all lived closer it'd be so nice to hang out at weekends together. Dumplings and DCs.

My RL support is all new friends.NO ONE from pre break up has come to visit or called.I called x2 people just so folk knew what was going on but how I would love to share a bottle of wine with some people.
Fairy ....that's it right now whatever ur doin is a fecking achievement.my kids lived on cereal and beans on toast and yogurt and fruit.I lived on fags and iron bru.I just kept on going thru pure hate and anger.I was short with my kids ,I would have huge rage after talking to my X and then have to be calm mum.doesn't always happen.we are human.if u need to cry then cry .lord knows I did.remember suicide is a permanent solution to a passing phase .this time next year u could be booking a holiday for somewhere hot.who knows ,but ur pat on the back is for being there ,so what if ur a bit grumpy ,no fecking wonder.YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ,YOU STAYED !!!!!
I had to text mine at half 8 pm 2nite to say Ru phoning the kids ?he would have been in the pub.he phoned ,complaining .wtf ?

Makedoandmend that's really hard, it hurt and threw me two steps back in my recovery so often too when my H was clearly moving on. Had serious rage issues too at times. Massive ((hugs)) gorgeous.

Sounds complicated with the snog, hope you can remain friends and all works out ok.

Fairy - he talks to you this way because attack is the best form of defence when you're subconsciously feeling guilty. Believe me I know that when my XH is speaking horribly to me it's to do with his guilt (although it's horrible to deal with and upsets me) but when he's talking to me like I'm a mate that he's just bumped into in a pub he's actually feeling nothing iyswim?

You are stronger than you think - you're going through a form of bereavement, and as someone who has had a few of those, it does unfortunately get worse then better, then worse, then better ad nauseum, but it does eventually get better.

You have so much on your plate don't judge yourself so harshly - give yourself a break - there is no right or wrong way to get through this.

I struggled too fairy to get my head around my X s detatchment.but this guy now is his fathers double.it sends chills down my spine.heartless ,cut them open and they are full of dust fairy.don't try and analyse it ,this is just who he is now.tough enough to get thru this without kids but with kids well I think its the most emotional thing u can do tbh,raising kids after complete heart ripping pain.but this will pass and compared to him u will end up in a happier strengthened place ,keep the faith,Ur a star x

Oh fairygirl3 sorry if I missed about your mum trying to kill herself when you were 12 - awful for everyone. You can't help how you feel - so please don't feel cross with yourself

So he is seeing an 18 year old girl? How long is that realistically going to last? He is making a complete fool of himself.

I know how utterly hurtful it is when they are so cold/heartless towards us. It made me question our whole 21 year relationship.

I imagine it is easier for them to do that so they don't have to feel guilty and men always compartmentalise (sp?) things and also want to replicate the positive things from relationships.

I'm dealing with this side of things by constantly reminding myself this says more about h than me. My h was having an affair (of sorts) with someone 29 years younger than himself and 17 years younger than me. I think we both know where their brains are...

There is no excuse for him having the children for just 3 hours a week. His life may seem care free now (compared to what you are being forced to deal with) but it won't be long until he gets dumped...

Sorry, I'm rambling now. Please don't EVER doubt yourself.

tea-you have just reminded me H is still paying the ntl this month,was going to take the dc to cinema in the morning but i dont think i will make it so will get few films on pay per view ha ha
Patience-fags and irn bru lol ,yes i have stayed but only just.A lot of your posts are about looking at your whole self and changing,whilst i am no where near that stage i can see what your saying,my life seems to have been since childhood 1 trauma after another and i think i have issues to deal with if i am ever going to find happiness.
I do have quite a few rl friends who have been great help but all seem to have problems too and thats life,although i can talk to them about things in general i would never tell them i feel suicidal ,its a burden i want to put on anyone.Am not at the planning stage yet so feel i still have some control/normal thoughts,have started thinking of options and what i would write in letters but am not commited if that makes sense?

Patience makes a fantastic point fairy - you stayed. That's the most important, amazing thing - you stuck by your family. You can't underestimate that.

Tea, thanks for the hug

Pink smartie told a story once how her X bought fancy presents for Xmas for her dcs.she couldn't compete but her son said to her it doesn't matter mum ,thing is You didn't leave us x

I will always remember that and no matter how bad a day I have I think ,at least I'm here,not pissed in a pub,not a totally selfish irresponsible tit that walked put on my family,I have cried shouted and curled up on the floor in pain in front of my kids but a year later I'm more stable and I've lost my anger.things are settling down for the kids but silly things still make me cry ,I just keep telling myself in another year i won't cry as much x

makedo nice to see you back,often wondered how you were getting on.
wherei think oh yes that wont last,but maybe it will,i just feel really sorry for our dc but should of seen it coming he split with his ex when dss was 1 and then with me till dc were 4 & 1 not a great track record.They just dont think in the same way as long as they are getting plenty of sex anything else comes 2nd.
yes patience makes lots of sense but she also sounds like a v.tough cookie something i have to strive towards.
tea i know i messed up at drs today had to go back for review today was all ready to say dont think they are working that well,feel a bit mad etc but he didnt even look at me was very matter of fact dd was winging,if not feeling better in a week will get someone to have dd and go back and explain,also didnt want to increase dose as still feeding but have got that down to 3/4 feeds a day so i am getting somewhere

That's probably the alan non meetings coming out fairy the whole

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I am definately a recovering co dependent.
I didn't realise how long I clung on to a rotten relationship.I didn't think it was that bad until we split but he didn't respect me at all and I kept excusing his behaviour.I had to learn to love and respect myself.I have never done that fairy ,so yes I guess I started that journey of trying to love myself when I split with X.I'm pretty much alone in this life always have been and probably always will be so I might as well try and be happy ,have u read end the struggle and dance with life by Susan jeffers.

I would probably say I have lived on the dark side for years b4 I met X so I am a professional doom fighter I fill my world with positivity,I can't afford to be negative.that's probably the tough bit fairy,I've been down in the depths and I'm not going back.my self loathing was olympic standard ,so its the thought of self love and the change it would bring my world that keeps me going.if I can provide my kids with stability patience and a calm home then I've done my job x

i can relate to a lot you say patience,i probably have clung to a rotten relationship rather then be alone,hit home the other day when walking dc3 to school he is just 5 and we were talking about a child in his class swearing (our area makes an episode of shameless look like normal life~)then he said remember you and daddy used to swear at each other when you were fighting,i answer no,he says yeah when you were in bed and daddy lent over on your hair and wouldnt get off and you were swearing at him to get off,felt so bad ,obviously H was pulling my hair and we had made up him leaning on it as a cover,i remember it will,this was about a year ago makes you realise how much they remember

thank you lovely ladies for getting me through tonight and tomorrow because i will keep thinking of all your strong words tomorrow and that will be yet another day down,night all x

I read in this book THE OPPOSITE OF ABUSE IS RESPECT.that struck a cord with me ,I thought how fucking dare he take the piss out of me and when I found him out and it was game over he just took his coat and left after 16yrs.he wasn't goin to have someone take his pub life away from him ,he was fecking life and soul of the party.I'm not bitter though that's my biggest achievement but only recently,took a long time.but as u move on to the next phase in ur life,don't take his bullshit with u ,do whatever u have to do to get rid cleanse and eventually forgive,but u do all that for u ,fuck all to do with him or anyone else.

Fairy my lovely, I wish I could give you a real life hug. The burden we carry worrying about our children and the guilt about what they remember and happened around them and then how we react once the relationship breaks down. Is a big burden. We are some seriously amazing woman on here. The love we have for our kids and the dedication we have night and day, day in, day out for them. No matter how we feel. I have to remind myself often to let go of the condemnation, we're all doing the best we can and our little ones will know that one day when they look back, and see just how much we gave for them. What we are doing is one of the most important jobs in the world quite frankly and hardest Our little ones are a gift and sometimes I take my two for granted and focus too much on the negatives but all our kids are amazing and are the next generation. Just think what they could be with us lot as mums? What a difference they could make?

I long to be Mary Poppins but sometimes feel like Cruella Deville (sp?) I just want to be as perfect a parent as I can be for my little ones. It's a long hard slog sometimes with little ones, but it will all be worth it in the end as others have said so much more eloquently than me many times before.

Fairy could you see a different GP? One who is easier to talk to perhaps? My surgery has about 8 to choose from. I do think it's worth being honest. There maybe a different drug on a low dose which will work better.

SALT was ace btw. Enjoy renting some films on NTL tomorrow Fairy

Fairy how about writing a diary and showing that2 ur doc much easier than trying to explain especially with wee ones with u.I had my coil fitted with dd 6 mths sat on me and Ds playing with cars on the other side of the curtain.

Evening Ladies

I have been reading and felt like i wanted to share something with you, i have been doing a parenting course to meet new people and this weeks was about stress
Now some of this will be relevant and some not so but i will post the entire thing, take what you need and leave the rest behind

The Ten Commandments For Reducing Stress

1. Thou shalt not be perfect, or even try to be

1. Thou shall not try to be all things to all people

1. Thou shall sometimes leave things undone that ought to be done

1. Thou shall not spread thyself to thinly

1. Thou shall learn to say 'no'

6.Thou shall schedule time for thyself, and for thy supportive network (MN?) lol

1. Thou shall switch off and do nothing regularly

1. Thou shall be boring, untidy, inelegant and unattractive at times

1. Thou shall not even feel guilty

10. Especially, thou shall not be thine own worst enemy, but thine own best friend

Now like i said this is from a parenting course but i also think this is just general life rules, my interpertaion is be kind to yourself, it's ok not to be superwoman all the time and dont feel guilty because your house is a mess and the kids are living on mcdonalds and you just dont want to do anything, take the time that you need to sort yourself out first and the rest will follow

I hope this helps even one of you, it is certainly helping me

Ahh that's lovely Sov, I like it a lot.