Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Hi everyone,

I can't believe how selfish these men are. How can they go from living as a family one day, then 'opt out'?

Part-time 'fathers'

fairy I also think it is a good idea to get as much help from MIL as possible.

its they way they just walk off,lead a new life and expect us all to get on with it,we have had our hearts broken,yet we have to carry on for the kids,i hate how he gets all the peace and free time,not sure how much more i can take,the most painfull thing is not all he has done to me its the indifference to the dc its nearly breaking me.

U have to detatch from it fairy,its just self preservation or trying to work out "why" will consume u.my X will feel guilty but not enough to change his new life and take more responsiblity.if he feels really bad he just gets pissed ,a year on and my emotions are more stable,and this eases his guilt,no more crying in front of him,no more shouting.this is my new normal,but I agree the shock of watching my husband detatch from his family was something that took me months to accept .

thats it patience myh is detaching from his kids,i tell him i cant cope and he tells me to ring his mum,wish i could be so responsibility free

I think the hardest part for me was not being able to switch off my feelings for him even when he was acting like such a hurtful cruel SOB.I felt so fucked up for so long ,completely opposite messages from my head and my heart.even now I don't think he has any idea of the consequences of his actions.but I know now that this is the real him.he is first in his World and if I want to find peace I have to accept that and move away from him emotionally.
He sees himself as this happy go lucky ,loveable rogue ,cheeky chappie.he used to say to me why can't u just be happy ,Ive moved on ,u should too.well actually I'm doing 2 kids you eejit.he didn't see Ds in his school uniform til Nov and even then it was by chance.doesn't see him do football,swimming,kick boxing.dd got dance show coming up he pulled a face when I asked did he want a ticket x

I think as you get stronger it becomes easier to accept that yopu can't change them or be responsible for thier actions. There will come a point when you realise that you are getting by and the dc are ok and he is pretty much obsolete. Do you envy these men? Would you swap places with them? They will lose their children and you will get double the love from them.

That's it Elsie I don't have to cajole him into things,I don't get angry at him opting out,basically I don't waste my energy on him anymore.it used to dissapointment me ,but now I have accepted this is all part of his behaviour when dealing with his wife and kids.I have disconnected from the pain,it can only hurt me if I let it hurt me .I can't change how he lives his life ,but I can change how I live my life.

Patience My ex also says 'why can't you just move on?'

They haven't got a clue, have they?

Where ,all I know is everytime I found some kind of balance in the last year or so my X said something so fecking selfish and immature I was left thinking ,who the fuck Ru ?
Only thing I can say is fill ur day with lots of healthy selfish things,worrying about others doesn't solve anything but what makes ur life easier is strengthening ur core .make it ur lifes work to go on a journey to find inner peace ,look after urself and the kids will be secure.u are a bright young woman ,use this time to strengthen ur weaknesses face them head on,hope the outside support is helping.I loved my X dearly but now I see his detatchment from me and the kids it turns my stomach .

Grrr. Just typed a massive post and lost it. Hope evryone is ok.

hope everyone is ok too.

i have just had my first counselling session which was reallly helpful. I really believe that the affair was not my fault and that it is all about my H's and issues from his past.

I truly wish that i could discuss this with him - but i know i cant and that i have to concentrate on me and our DD and he will have to find his way. To be honest at the moment i would prefer not to have to talk to him or see him.

i have been up and down over the last few days - but have been told that one of the Dads at school chellenged the OW about being a marriage wrecker and gave her a good verbal telling off about what she has done - and several Moms said how dignified i have been and how they admire me and cant even look at her. So although i might be wanting to punch her and pull her hair out - restraint is the way forward i think.

Hope everyone is doing ok - at least the sun is shining - well it is in rural Dorset.

Glad the counselling went well dev and u r getting support x

You're doing great, devastated. I know what you mean about wanting to tell your ex about what counselling has revealed but you know that old saying about taking a horse to water? We would be wasting our breath. They might realise one day but then again, they might not. Not our problem. Concentrate on yourself x

yes devestated you are doing great facing the OW every day,thats nice to hear that from the other mums.

DEvastated. YOu are being so strong -I cant imagine having to see my OW every day. For a while I literally wanted to kill her and having had her in physical reach would have been dangerous.

Glad you are getting support from other mums. Its so hard to take the high road wrt OW but Im so glad I did -has paid dividends long term. I was urged to go and tell the OW all sorts but never did and glad have had no contact.

And sorry but H unlikely to be interested in counselling.

Keep on going hun......

Hope everyone is having a better day than me, having major wobble day today, so what set it off, spent the evening with H sister and she said during the evening about his relationship with OW "its not if it ends its when it ends", made me wonder why he is being so blinkered!, I then get asked for his phone no at work, arrive home and letter for him from solicitor and to top it off our favourite record was playing on the radio, all before lunch!! oh well hopefully the day will get better.

Do something nice for yourself tonight Romney, these things are sent to try us and we need to distract and detatch so do something just for you that doesnt remind you of XH in the meantime have a glass of

Thanks Sov, am going out tonight now with a friend, will try to distract myself.

i am feeling a bit down this afternoon - it might be tiredness but all my plans for the weekend- visitors seemed to have come to nothing because people are ill and now can't make it .

DD was also quite down when i picked her up from school - but we have been to the library and she is settled watching the TV and we are going out and will meet up with some friends later on.

I still feel like i am in an alternative universe- like one of those films when you get switched to another world and that i might wakeup and find it has all been a dream.

i hate feeling like this and just want to cry and wail but this isnt fair to my DD.

The weekends - which used to be my favourite time of the week - now seem to loom really long ahead of me- does anyone feel the same?

Devastated, yes I totally understand about weekends underlining the lack of being a conventional family any more. It's easy to imagine all those happy families going out on country walks in their matching sweaters but in reality most families split up and do their own thing. XP's idea of a good weekend was football, football, lager and falling asleep in front of more football. Family weekends aren't all that, you know. It's early days for you so you have to do whatever it takes to get you through each day. I felt exactly the same as you do now but it does change. Now, I appreciate being able to do what I want and not be answerable to anyone.

Romney, wobbles are horrid but they help us to heal, make us stronger.

romney-have a good night out,enjoy yourself.
No good days here,in fact seem to be getting worse not better,so worn out with feeling sad.Fed up with him and his attitude that 3 hours a week is a fine amount of contact,the reality that this is my life,am fighting to keep myself sane i feel,sometimes i feel like its just much too hard to carry on.

"The weekends - which used to be my favourite time of the week - now seem to loom really long ahead of me- does anyone feel the same?" Yes I feel like that a lot too.

But u will carry on and u will celebrate ur strength fairy.everynight before u go to sleep give urself a pat on the back because ur amazing.we all have to work hard (and it is hard)to make our own happiness.I take my kids to school most days on their bikes and I take my dog.someone said today ,I don't know how u can b bothered.I just thought ,I'm making memories and the only reason I can do it is because I have worked on my serenity.its bloody tuff fairy ,but u have to keep fighting it,look after urself and keep taking it one day at a time,ur changing everyday ,it does get easier,hang in there can u do something for urself this weekend ?

patience-give myself a pat on the back for what ? barely tolerating my children,trying to avoid talking to them or being with them/thinking about killing myself and leaving them alone in this world ? sorry that sounds like i am being harsh with you,its not x x I just thought nearly 6 weeks down the line things would be getting easier not harder,am so cross with myself for being like this