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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

934 replies

KateonMN · 14/01/2011 09:34

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 31/01/2011 19:32

Poor Wallace 2 stones lighter,sounds like the dumpling diet .

Patienceobtainsallthings · 31/01/2011 19:41

Don't trust him about money.he /she will swindle u now if they get the chance ,please seek legal advice re money right away.this is being practical.she is pushing his buttons now ,protect ur house ur savings ur dds future.his relationship might not be long term but she could spend quite a lot in 6 mths.is he paying her rent.if not she is playing a dodgy game if she is claiming benefits.so tough u r left to sort this all out but good ur fil thinks his son is a low life ,take his support x

Patienceobtainsallthings · 31/01/2011 20:03

Elsie my healing is all kind of back to front,my first post ever was something like ,don't worry about me he is a prick and I'm well out of it.I raised the bar but always thought he would come back to us ,straighten up and step up to the plate and be a father.now I have to accept he will always put himself and booze in front of me and the kids.just took along time to accept it .we have heard their bullshit for so long ,someone new will come along and laugh at their jokes,listen to their woes ,whereas we have heard all the excuses for years and years.truth is a year ago I started to look after myself for a change and that means u don't sell urself short.I know deep down he will never make me happy he is a narc,he just wants the single life.once I accepted he no longer wanted a relationship with me I could move on,but it took me along time to accept it ,I couldn't believe he would just dump me and the kids.

onedayatatimeLondon · 31/01/2011 20:57

Hi

Its been nearly 3 weeks since my dh announced he was unhappy, he no longer loved me and was leaving. Oh yes, he had met someone else. What a cliche.

I have just read through most of your posts and it is such a relief to see my thoughts and feelings being expressed by others. But how sad as well that these emotionally illiterate men have done this.

As the week goes on I focus on work and my DCs and I feel stronger. Then the weekend comes and the dh hangs out with the kids, stinking of garlic after a romantic meal with the ow and no regard to my or the children's feelings. So by monday I feel wrung out like a dish rag and I feel I have to pick myself up and start all over again.

I know this is a grieving process that has to be worked through. But does it have to be so painful? :(

Mumfun · 31/01/2011 20:57

Devastated please do seek legal advice urgently -it is very important. They can spend huge amounts if allowed to get away with it. And they are are on another planet too -there is no sense to them.

And Im shocked. My H was a rescuer too -of someone who had been divorced some time as her H cheated on her. She was frightened living on her own etc ..............yuck yuck!

thereturnofElsieTanner · 31/01/2011 21:00

Patience, the acceptance is a really hard part for me. It brings peace but is frightening to confront. I keep dipping my toe in and out of it. I so want to let go of the anger.

XP has just dropped the rest of ds belongings off, toothbrush etc and managed to drop in to the conversation that he is getting promoted at work. I felt the fury rise in me and I hate myself for it. I want him to fall to pieces, I want to see him suffer and I don't like feeling this.

All I can do is concentrate on myself. Detach, detach, detach!

thereturnofElsieTanner · 31/01/2011 21:08

Mumfun, I just do not understand women or men who are frightened of living on their own. I'm frightened of ever living with anyone again.

Oneday, it does have to be painful because it shows you are a loving person with deep feelings. It doesn't hurt him because he isn't in reality at the moment.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 31/01/2011 21:27

I think they are drawn to victims because they mirror themselves,they are attracted to us because we are strong and independent but in the end they can't handle it.and my co dependence made me think he would change for me and the kids.
Elsie just take ur time ,re promotion just see success meaning more money for Ds.that's what I do.so what if its guilt money its still for the kids.its business now.

onedayatatimeLondon · 31/01/2011 21:31

Elsie

thanks. you are so right. I feel like I am being slapped in the face and kicked in the but by reality and dh is on another planet. He told me that he is with her because she brings him joy and he can be joyful and playful with her. They've known each other 2 months and have been sneaking around - easy to skip around then. He is so far removed from reality that he dosn't hear massive warning bells when she tells him that she wants a baby!

meanwhile my ds and dd are devestated as are our wider family. my mil calls me daily weeping and devestated at what he is doing. My parents cry on the phone. So I have to make them feel better too while trying to work out how I am going to mend my broken heart.

Teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2011 21:38

Oneday - welcome. Sounds almost like a midlifecrisis. Total detachment from reality. He's crossing some painful boundaries too by telling you: "He told me that he is with her because she brings him joy and he can be joyful and playful with her." Shock Angry

onedayatatimeLondon · 31/01/2011 21:58

thanks teaandcake. He sure is going through a midlife crisis or perhaps he just hasn't grown up at all. He has never been able to take responsiblity for money and now he has 2 households to run he is all over the place. he promised to set up a standing order and 3 weeks on hasn't (mind you he hasn't managed it in the last 7 so I don't know why I am surprised). I told him I was going to seek legal advice and he was shocked and asked why?Shock.

as the days go by I get angry but then swing to wanting him back or at least the man I used to know. I just want the chance to talk it through, to put what went wrong right. I know I haven't been easy to live with lately - terrible job that crippled my confidence. He didn't help emotionally so I withdrew hoping he'd come looking for me to pull me out of it. I think the situation and hard work that I had to put in to supporting the family killed the joy in relationship, not me(i supported him while he retrained and started a new career. He is now successful but I had to work full time while our dc's were babies and then to pay off the debt we built up while he retrained). We should have been able to talk about it. Instead he told me everytime I asked that everything was fine only telling me on the day he left that was unhappy. But he still can't tell me when he became unhappy or why. Could it be the day he met the ow, i wonder?

Teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2011 22:03

Highly likely. They do like to re-write history.

Teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2011 22:11

Try not to look too hard into the past on what you could have done better. They're so good at making us questions ourselves and our part in it. But they didn't sit down with us at any stage and share this apparent "unhappiness" at all until after they'd become involved with the OW Angry Thus never trying to work through things or improve the marriage at all. Therefore from my time of being on this type of thread, I can only conclude this claptrap about unhappiness is purely the typical script they use and we must all try to realise we didn't fail in this marriage in anyway. They did. As I know for a fact I'd have done my hardest to work through things if I'd known my H had been tempted to have an affair or was desperately unhappy. But he never breathed a word about any of it until he was already having the affair. Does that make sense?

onedayatatimeLondon · 31/01/2011 22:25

tea - thank you. that makes complete sense. we all need to remind ourselves daily, even hourly, that we are not failing. and the fact that we are living and breathing and working our way through this makes us pretty amazing women

thereturnofElsieTanner · 31/01/2011 22:30

Oneday, 2 pieces of advice that get me by and that are very true are firstly do NOT blame yourself; it's not your fault and secondly never seek solace in the arms of the one who betrayed you.

This has got everything to do with him and nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.

Mumfun · 31/01/2011 22:33

Oneday on elittle bit of advice is to watch out for yourself. Your parents and ILs are upset which is good as they dont accept(at the moment) what he did was right. BUt you need support too -consider long term getting some counselling or someone supportive to you where you can unload. Welcome to unload and support here but Real Life can help too.

Sorry you are going through this but hope youve found a place where you feel understood

onedayatatimeLondon · 31/01/2011 22:40

thanks Elsie and tea. You are making me feel so much better than I did this morning. I have done the ironing and the house is spotless. he is coming at 7 am tomorrow so I can go to work (I have had to totally rearrange my working schedule so I can keep my job now he has gone. He acts like this is the biggest favour in the world, of course). The house is spotless and I am going to look fabulous and in control as I swan off to my office.

goodnight everyone. sleep well.x

Teaandcakeplease · 01/02/2011 07:46

I sat at home a lot and couldn't find the strength to clean lots in the early days, so I am impressed.

Is there a way you can arrange childcare that doesn't involve him longer term? Not because of his attitude but just to help you move on and not to have to rely on him anymore.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 01/02/2011 12:37

Hope everyone is busy sorting out the day to day crap, ie getting on with life Smile.

I had counselling again this morning and I really feel like I'm making progress. She pointed out that I'm taking back some control after being disempowered by XP. I've gone from I can't do this to I don't want to do this and now I'm thinking I'll show him I can bloody do this and make a better job of it than when he was with me. I talked about how I wanted to get revenge and see XP fail which makes me feel very negative. She said if that's what it takes to keep me motivated right now thn it's worth it and the feelings of revenge will subside as the anger lessens. The important thing is to take control and do things for me and ds. The rest will follow.

Hope everyone is ok x

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/02/2011 13:30

Elsie he is never going to walk all over u again ,u have shown him u won't accept his behaviour.I got thru a lot of months with rage eventually this too shall pass because it is negative and ur a person that naturally gives off a positive vibe.but feel ur rage of injustice for now release the emotion don't repress it ,keep moving on x

fairygirl3 · 01/02/2011 16:28

am starting to think that i need to get my arse in gear and get to the solicitor,part of my thinks no he can wait the 2 years for the divorce on seperation other half thinks quicker i get rid the better.On sunday when i told him i was finding it hard with the kids and needed him to do more then 3 hours on a sunday he told me to ask his mum as she would always have them,just cant get my head round how they can go from living with dc to 3 hours a week .

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/02/2011 16:53

Yep me neither for a long time fairy but the truth with my X is he enjoys the peace and quiet ,just a selfish opt out bastard .

fairygirl3 · 01/02/2011 17:13

yeah your right patience,just make me sad cause he always used to run down my older 2dc dad for dropping contact with them,yet he is not doing much more.He always used to moan about having to get up in mornings/deal with kids so yeah he probably is just enjoying the peace.

thereturnofElsieTanner · 01/02/2011 17:53

Fairy, your H doesn't deserve to be a father. If it is feasible, I think you should take the offer of MIL looking after the dc occasionally. You need a break and maybe she will be moved to remind him how feckless he is being. Take any offer of help you get. You've got a lot on your plate.

fairygirl3 · 01/02/2011 18:12

Yes i am going to take mother in law up,definatly in the half term so i can do things with the older dc,it is difficult with the age gap 13,11,5,1 as they all want to do different things,the older 2 are great they are so understanding and are always ready to help with the younger ones.She has had words with him about seeing them more/phone them etc but i doubt anything will happen i saw how indifferent he was was dss,it was always me pushing him to have him extra etc