Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

Devastated - been there done that, I can now read these cards without crying (most of the time) and no I am not ready to get rid of them, the card I got from him at christmas was signed 'enduring love Bx'.

I know what you mean about still loving them and wanting them to come back and make you feel better, but they have chosen a path and are continuing to follow it without a care for how we are feeling, they are selfish and cruel.

One day at a time Devastated that all you can do.

Devastated ,I moved house in the Autumn and came across a small card that said" love you forever babes " only thing I've kept.it will always remind me of the good times.I've moved on now emotionally and have accepted not everything lasts forever.but some people never share the connection we had.ok its gone now and I probably clung on for too long ,ok it was probably dysfunctional and doomed but 15 yrs is a long time.nothing wrong with crying ,they just get swept along imo with temptation and ego boosting attention.such a waste .I cried so much but now I want my marriage to RIP.I have reached a place of contentment by focusing on me for a change.

I had mil over today for lunch. Was feeling sorry for her because fil is away with his (nice) DS and 3 grandsons. I'm not sufe what I expected, but she had lunch, and then started on at me about how bad DS's work is and how he was suffering. I felt like saying what about me? - Your DS left me for ow (even tho thAt is over). Instead I said Kimble all about his work issues, I've dealt with and heard about them for years, and at the end of the day - DH needs to sort out and take responsibility for his own work and that I could no longer do it for him. I know that sounds heartless, but I really cannot deal with his c**p any more. Guess I won't be seeing her for a while then...........

Thanks for all your support - it does really mean a lot - i am so tired now and hope that i get a good nights sleep and feel better in the morning.

Did u ever Google transactional analysis notsure look up drama triangles ,sounds like he is acting the victim and u were the rescuer for years,only way to leave is to become the persecutor,now mumsy is being the rescuer .he didn't have to be adulterous.I would keep saying to mil ,sorry u feel like that but,insert whatever reply u like ,keep it polite calm and straight to the point and loads of eye contact x

Sleep well dorset just remember crying and cursing moves u forwards x

Thanks patience have looked at drama triangles and you are right! He is, and usually plays the victim. If he's not, then it's the persecutor - accusing me of xxxxx. I did exactly that with mil - looked her in the eye, and said I have done all the things that you think he needs, but he needs to take control and make decisions for himself instead of waiting for others (me) to do it for him. I think she found me a bit harsh, but sometimes it really is the only way. She's just lucky I didn't say that her son is a cheating SOB who thought the grass was greener on the other side and has now figured out that isn't the case! Just tryin to be nice. I seem to spend so much time trying to be pleasant to him and his parents in order to protect the DC that I don't tell them how I really feel. One day I may feel brave enough... Only problem is my own parents live a fair way away, and I depend on his parents for some childcare support.

As long as u stay mellow u can say what u like.if not nobody knows how u really feel.they will be taken aback by ur assertiveness but seriously make that change to put urself first.UR empowerment will smack them between the eyes and they won't like it at first but they will get used to it .parents have to look at themselves and their own patterns when their kids mess up and a lot of "perfect" parents find it easier to blame the spouse.well done re eye contact u sound strong x

Where ,just read a bit of ur thread,all violence in the family is completely unacceptable behaviour,do not let ur H or dd normalise it.it is not normal.I understand why ur dd would accept it.I made excuses for my X for years but all dysfunctional from her father.I wouldn't let my kids near my X if I considered him unsafe.I understand my dcs are much younger. I believe the perpetrator has to feel consequences for his actions.I agree ur dd has low self esteem and this isn't going to be helped by this mans behaviour,but loads she can work on without his negative influence.I am not judging u at all where ,I didn't realise things had gone this way,u will get there but this isn't ur fault and he is full of his own bloody mlc importance.big hugs ,keep the faith x

Saw my H this morning as he arrived to pick up equipment and dog- DD was very wobbly again this morning - not wanting to get out of bed and tearful and then sorry that she was "difficult". I told him how upset she has been and he eventually said that he will come round to see her this afternoon after school. He thinks that he has given her the opportunity to ask him anything that she needs to know and doesnt really understand that she is frightened of upsetting him but has all these questions in her head.

I asked him to really think about what he has done and the impact on the family - i didnt get really upset and didnt cry but i did ask him if he loved OW and he said that he had feelings for her - why cant he say he loves her ? - and was defending her reputation and that all the gossip about her is unfounded and made by other people.

i really think he has his head up his A*se and cant see that she is a serial marriage breaker and has a track record as long as my arm. I thought that i would be much more upset than i feel - but to be honest this is not the lovely husband that i spent the last 13 years with - he is an idiot - and i really believe or perhaps want to believe that he is going to regret what he has done but it will be too late because in time i will have moved on and view him with disdain.

i am now worried about the conversation with DD tonight and about how upset she may be - but perhaps this needs to happen and we can then try and move on.

I feel as though my posts are very self-centred on here and that i am in danger of wallowing in my misery but i have had a few moments of calm and am going to try and hold onto these and be stronger.

Devestated-Dont worry about your posts being self centered,posting helps you and for people reading it helps them to know they are not the only ones going through theses feelings.Also we all have good days and bads and am sure as our good days get more we will be able to offer to support to others.I worried about wallowing but i need time to recover,it really helps me to know others have felt as dark as me.
You are doing well with your H,i dont manage to be that compossed but have only seen him twice in 5 weeks,yesterday i kept wanting to touch/cuddle him,obviously i didnt try to but feel so bloody stupid for having them feelings.

Devastated - we have all wallowed or felt that we are wallowing and thats what this thread is all about, for you to write how you are feeling and getting it down on paper, sometimes it makes you feel better. If you looked back at my posts from Aug till Dec you will see how low I was, Im sure if I looked back over my posts I would see how much Ive moved forward.

Anyone please just write what you feel, it doesnt matter if you feel it is self centred one day you will be giving advice to the new posters that are starting on the awful road that we are travelling now.

Enjoy the release that posting gives u devastated,I always think the more I dump on here the less I carry with me in RL x

i have just looked at something on another thread posted by the wise WWIFN and it has just hit me that my decent - or so i thought and hard working H has also come to the rescue of the OW believing that her reputation is not deserved and that she has had such a hard life and deserves to be looked after. I have never appeared to need much looking after - i have a good job, am capable and can look after myself and DD and house - whilst she lives in a rented property, doesnt work and is on benefits with a father who indulges her financially as well. He probably believes all the s*it that she has been peddling him that she has never done this before, hasn't ever felt like this before, and how marvellous he is for coming to her rescue.

i am almost ashamed that i married him now and have made him the father of my DD because she won't respect him when she grows up for what he has done. Driving to school this morning after she had been so upset again - we passed the tart OW driving back to her home 500 yeards down the road after having dropped her son off at the same school - if thats not rubbing our noses in it i dont know what is. Ba*rd!

Yep my H went to the rescue of OW. I was pretty independent and coped with everything.

So crap to have to drive/ walk past her all the time though. I'd find that so hard.

Devastated - mine was a rescuer too, again I am pretty independent and have coped before but this time I have been devastated by what he has done to me.

Mine did the 'knight in shining armour' rescue thing too - to a young single mum with 'family problems'. I imagine it boosts their ego to feel so needed and almost be a 'hero' - these ow are probably really grateful and tell them how wonderful they are

Snap! I told XP he would be much better off with OW as there is no way I would ever adore and worship him (or anyone else) the way she did/does. It's a big ego trip for them.

Devastated, I feel ashamed that I could have feelings for such a callous, manipulative person. I bitterly regret landing ds with such an awful father. It has made me question a lot of things about myself. Why did I settle for so little. I didn't think I had self esteem issues but now I think I must have. But I am determined to turn this right round on its head and enjoy the second half of my life in the way I deserve.

Elsie you didnt know he was callous and manipulative though did you and by definition that you settling for less than you should have.

Given the way XP has slunk around constantly making his prescence felt and your certain knowledge he had no intention of ever leaving you and ds you have done well not to just drift back into the relationship so your self esteem is alive and well somewhere.

Getting, to be honest I think I have bargained away some terrible things over the years. I knew in the back of my mind he had a cruel streak but I tried to concentrate on his good points which wasn't always easy as he hasn't got many. I am having to face the fact that he only tolerated my older dc just so that he could be with me and ds. I feel I have let the older ones down. He's always been crap with money but I found myself saying, but at least he's here for me. And now I find out he wasn't. I've had a lucky escape actually. A few weeks ago I told him to his face that he was rotten to the core and I meant every word, it was not said in anger. I still believe that now.

wow elsie i cannot believe how strong your sounding-go girl ! i can relate to parts of that post but i still feel i love my H and would probably have him back if he wanted but he doesnt and i have to get my head round that .

Fairy I am only just easing away from those feelings after 15 mths.

I've found myself wanting to hug my ex H and give him a kiss on the cheek in the last week. Which is odd. We're divorced and he's still with the OW and they're moving in this Summer together. I think because he comes round so often and is always helpful and kind. And he's never with the OW around me as it's a long distance relationship, it can be confusing at times. But I'm glad we get on well for the DCs I just need to remind myself of WHO he is

Off to paint my nails as I'm out tomorrow night down the pub and Ex H is babysitting. So I want to at least make my nails nice.

Fairy, if I'm totally honest I would have left XP years ago if we didn't have ds. The pregnancy was an accident. We weren't even living together but decided to give it our best shot. I always had misgivings but I did love him. I think .

Tea, maybe you are just about ready to meet someone else. Not necessarily tomorrow night of course but you are so together and sorted. You sound like you are in a good place. Likewise, Patience. Your transformation is amazing.

My doggy was neutered today and had two teeth out at the same time so he's feeling very sorry for himself. Poor thing.

h came round to see DD this evening-and try and answer her questions.
He was half an hour late to start with - but stayed for about 1.5 hrs and i popped my head in a few times to make sure she was ok and it seemed ok. However she told me that she wanted to cry but didnt and again put a brave face on with him - not sure if this is good or bad but it worries me although she is very open with me.

Over the course of the 1 month we have split he appears to have changed his mind about wanting money from the house- the house is in my name - i pay the mortgage and all the bills and used the equity from my previous home towards this - a home i had before we met and married 13 and 11 years ago. He had his own flat which he sold last year and must now be rapidly spending the equity from . So my question is if he has changed his opinion so radically over the last month what am i to expect in the future? The other woman is probably pushing his buttons - she lives on benefits - albeit very nicely because of her personal circumstances -and we live in a really nice house that i have worked so hard to provide for us - one of the reasons he gave for the affair was that i was always working hard - i am staggered at how much he has changed.

His parents are devastated - his Dad is on about writing him out of his will - but H tells me that the OW is misunderstood and that it is all malicious gossip about her - so none of the tales about her sleeping around, breaking up marriages and having affairs are at all true?

Sorry about the rant but he is behaving like an idiot and whats more everyone including his DD seems to see it but him. But i still love him and want him to see sense but a little bit of that love seems to be dying every day.