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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

934 replies

KateonMN · 14/01/2011 09:34

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

OP posts:
fairygirl3 · 30/01/2011 11:04

well he is gone,didnt get on the lap top kept busy and out of the ay tidying up.I managed to be quite aloof,had a little wobble at the end when arranging when to see them next but nothing to bad just a few little comments,i know he does not care but i felt that if i was too nice he would think all was ok and i was giving him my blessing.
Was quite funny watching him trying to look after both dc.Annoyed me at the end going on about money,i said well you chose this live with it.Feel sad though that this is my dc life now 2 hours on a sunday with their dad.

romneymarsh · 30/01/2011 11:07

Devastated - my H (blimey I've dropped the dear must be moving on to a better place) was a very poor communicator too had to drag anything out of him, I thought all the same things as you about how can it work etc etc, but I am starting to realise that is all a waste of mental energy, let them get on with it, maybe one day they will realise how pathetic they were to put their own fantasies first over a wife and family who loved him unconditionally. His loss, he is the one who ruined it.

Oh and don't feel a failure about the ADs, everyone sometimes needs a little help.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 30/01/2011 11:13

That's it Rom,this morning when he called off I just didn't waste my energy thinking why?that is definately a first.I have a nice afternoon planned and life goes on .

gettingeasier · 30/01/2011 11:45

Romney so glad you are feeling stronger and no why should you feel a failure for the ADs

Fairy well done on coping this morning

Ariane good description of them spoilt little boys , I will go back and read your thread later

Patience I agree indifference is best. I ask my Dad how my half sis is doing (her H left in June)and he always says "Oh shes fine she absolutely hates Matt now" and I think well thats not great its still him getting her energy. Enjoy your afternoon with the dc, another lovely day with them to file away that that arse has missed out on

Patienceobtainsallthings · 30/01/2011 12:25

That's it getting but not my problem anymore,have a nice Sunday x

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 13:22

I think we all need to do what ever it takes to get us through this awful time. I'm on Prozac - not sure it is working so will have to go back to GP.

My problem is isolation - I feel I'm dealing with this all alone. If it wasn't for the support from lovely people on mn I don't know what I'd have done.

Stuck in such a rut. Feel too depressed/unmotivated to do anything yet. can't see the point in trying anything.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 30/01/2011 13:48

Where ,ur right we all find our own path ,I don't have many RL friends I can talk to about this ,I haven't had a night out in 3 yrs ,I never felt like doing many of the things I mentioned either ,but I forced myself to do them because it was something positive ,WQ used to force herself to one positive step each day and one practical step ,its the start of a new phase in ur life ,u r in control x

soverign21 · 30/01/2011 14:46

Adriane, welcome and i will read your thread later

Where, i'm the same re feeling lonley, my RL friends have been pretty useless tbh, they have their own lives and unless it's drastic i dont hear from them so this thread and these wonderful ladies have saved me on numerous occasions

i'd just like to say
DEPRESSION IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS IT IS A SIGN YOU HAVE BEEN TOO STRONG FOR TOO LONG

Adriane · 30/01/2011 15:07

Patience talks sense, Where. You really do have to force yourself to do something, however small each day. Tiny tiny things. They'll make you feel better.

Years ago, years and years and year ago, I went through an horrific break-up. I was very young and agree to marry a man with more issues than the Daily Mail. He isolated me from my friends and to an extent, from my family. I never noticed it happening. When I fell pregnant, he calmly told me that I wasn't to worry, before adding he had a cricket bat in the garage, which would soon sort me out. I left fairly pronto, cut all ties with anyone from that period of my life and had a termination.

The shock of finding myself so absolutely alone was huge. After months of crying, one day I walked into a travel agent and booked a flight to see my sister, who was working overseas. Due to the nature of her work, she was out most days, almost every evening. I hid away in her flat and cried for the most part. I felt like an absolute failure for wasting the trip. Then on the flight back, sitting there on my own, having navigated public transport to the airport on my own, without speaking a word of the language, I suddenly felt strangely liberated and in control. Nothing really fazed me after that.

That was all a bit extreme, but there is a lot to be said for making yourself do things.

Today, P picked up DD and I knew if I closed the front door after their leaving, I would have collapsed into a snivelling wretch on the hall floor. So I put on my shoes when DD put on hers and I went out as they went out and I locked the door behind us all. They drove off in one direction, I walked the opposite way. I didn't have anywhere to go and ended up in the garden centre. I've bought myself roses and petunias and a mother-in-laws tongue. They've been potted up. I've had a cup of tea and something on toast. I'm going to watch a film and do the ironing. It's all good.

I know the shock will catch up with me eventually and I'll probably come crashing down, but for the moment, I'm okay.

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 15:32

Hi Patience, soverign21 and Adriane thankyou SO much for your kind, wise words.

I hate feeling like this (who doesn't?) but when I've made the effort to go out I feel just as bad - like nothing can penetrate the gloom. I don't get any satisfaction from doing anything but I know no one can do it for me. I've got to 'get a grip' and make myself move on.

Patience and soverign - I'm sorry you don't have many rl friends either. I don't know about you, but I feel it is this lack of rl support which is making the situation overwhelming. I am so very grateful for your support on mn and hope I can begin to offer more support...

Adriane, words fail me re your ex. I'm glad you were able to leave him. I think you were very brave to travel over seas like you did and facsinating how you came to feel liberated and in control. It was like you had an intence period of grieving your lost relationship (and termination) and became strong again.

I have been emotionally strong re DDs illness/hospitalisation so maybe this stress has just been too much? Maybe like you said soverign, depression is a sign I have been strong for too long. I never would have worked that out for myself.

Thankyou x

romneymarsh · 30/01/2011 15:38

Well done Adriane, that was all so positive and as you know from previous experience this is going to be a long slow process, with big lows and the occasional high, but all going in the right direction.

Hi Sov, nice to see you visiting this thread.

Where and fairy hope you are ok.

Teaandcakeplease · 30/01/2011 15:57

Wherecanihide - I spent months sitting in a bottom shaped indent on my sofa from all my hours of sitting Grin Getting out was often too much for me but I did feel better when I managed to. Did the bare minimum with regards to housework too. Give it time, you'll get there x

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 16:07

Thankyou Tea

Hi romneymarsh

romneymarsh · 30/01/2011 16:17

Where - I went off to Las Vegas a month after my H had decided he wanted to make a life with the OW (who is 27years younger than him), I took my sister and had a thoroughly miserable time, couldnt stop crying, sat on the plane and cried the whole way there and home again. My sister had a great time, but you can only move as fast as your heart and head will allow you.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 30/01/2011 17:39

I think I also am more choosy who I tell my woes to.I surround myself with positive people and sometimes if their is nobody like that around then I just wait til there is .

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 18:36

romneymarsh That's interesting and sad. If you went on that holiday a year after, you may have enjoyed it (?) If time is a great healer then you are right; we can only move on as fast as our head and heart (in that order imo) will allow.

He left you for someone 27 years younger than him? Good grief! He must look like her father! I'm sitting here incredulous but have just remembered twat is after 20+ year olds - he is 51! Words like; 'inadequate' and 'perv' spring to mind.

It would be laughable if it wasn't so awful Confused

romneymarsh · 30/01/2011 18:49

Yep he must look like her father, he has a very low embarrassment threshold so dont know how he is coping with his choice. Her mother is only 3 years older than him. It really is sick, or should I say he is sick.

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 19:10

romneymarsh I bet people laugh at them behind their backs Grin There is something very sick and unsavory about such 'relationships'. I bet she'll dump him...

Patienceobtainsallthings · 30/01/2011 19:20

Where ,another good thing to give us a boost is to be kind to others without looking for anything in return.I'm not sure if u have free time,but volunteer work is cool,u can choose ur hours ,gets u out the house ,not as much pressure as paid work and if the folk r nuts u don't have to go back Smile
Did ur dd have her check up ,hope she is still making progress ,take care x

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 19:24

Yeah Patience I've been thinking about that.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 30/01/2011 19:29

Also I agree re being shocked at other people's reactions to my marriage break up.if he had died I think my friends would have found it easier but they all ran scared.not one friend came round to hold my hand or pass the tissues ,even a "what a bastard "phonecall would have been nice .but u learn ur true friends and ur strong friends .

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 19:34

I learnt who my friends are when DD went into an adolecsent psychiatric unit: "hello? Where are you all?"

If he had died people would be sympathetic at the loss of a happy marriage. I thought I had a happy marriage! I've still lost it eventhough he is still alive. (+ the mortgage would have been paid off LOL)

devastatedofdorset · 30/01/2011 19:52

i have just been looking for my tax stuff so i can fill in my on line assessment and in the process found loads of cards that my h has given to me over the years - some old some very recent and it has floored me - i am sitting here with tears streaming down my face thinking where did it all go wrong - he used to love me soo much . i cant bear it but can't get rid of them because i still love him so much i just want him to come back and make me feel better again.

fairygirl3 · 30/01/2011 20:04

devestated-no words of wisdom just didnt want you to think there is no one here for you x

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 20:19

devastated - that is so difficult. I've got cards with our pet names for each other written inside...the feelings of rejection and hurt are so difficult. Where did it all go wrong? In my case h changed.

I think this is another difficult step on the journey to acceptance. It's awful, the one person who used to be there to always make us feel better is the one who has hurt us and not there to make us feel better Sad

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