Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 12

[KateonMN]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Stay a while and tell your story and when you are ready we are sure you will make the move to being a Dumpling no more!

devastated birthdays are really hard and this one has come up so quickly after him leaving. We all pined for the xhs that were,that we married and mapped out such a happy hopeful future with. Its a painful journey coming to terms with the fact that man has gone and I have some insight into why my xh changed but often its an invisible process we dont see until they turn round with all their scripts and lies. The thing is though is once you have accepted they did change and you dont want the changed version then you begin to recover.

You sound strong however much you want to remain under the duvet and its great you have support in your village. Also I understand your concerns about dd seeing ow but dont worry about that yet just focus on each day as it comes for now.

getting-am going to concentrate on that thought (not wanting the changed version) instead of thinking about them having sex/babies which seems to be my thought of the day.

Hi getting ,didn't realise there was circumstances that made ur X change.
Thing is life is too short to live in an emotionally abusive relationship.Try not to torture urself with thoughts of what they are like.All I know is its all about self love and concentrating on you that will get u thru.it makes no difference to u whether they are happy or sad as long as house is mellow when UR kids are there.with me it doesn't matter if X is having a relationship with 21yo or just chatting.it would be great if he was honest and I could trust him but he s not and in the end he no longer wants to be with me so if its not her it will be someone else.do u think it helps for u to see life as a bigger picture,u will do something with ur time on earth now that u would never have done before.did u Google noble Manhattan ,loads of courses u might like.all I know is they did what they did because they could .free will.we cant change them only ourselves and how we cope with our situations.

i am sitting at home waiting for H to bring DD back - i said 7.00 and it is already past that - she has no phone as they left that behind. i already feel lost without her in the house and yet i have always thought that i have liked my own company but the thought of her going to a sleepover anywhere else fills me with horror. I can just about get by with her in bed with me at night - she thinks i am doing it for her but in reality having her little body to cuddle when i wake at 4- really helps. Yet i have to have a relationship with this man for the rest of our lives if i am to do the best by her - 4 weeks on and still incredulous about what has happened and still hoping he will see sense.

Very much so Patience will tell you about it sometime. Thanks for Noble Manahttan thing I will take a look. You are right about the way we will now do things we wouldnt have before I already have this year and know theres so much more ahead now than being Mrs Gettingeasier

Devastated keep going

Fairy dont think about that it will drive you to madness

Devastated, hope dd is back with you now. Eventually you will look forward to having a break and being on your own. Honestly! It is very stressful living with your dc's turmoil while you are trying to cope with your own feelings. It will catch up with you sooner or later and you will start to value being on your own again. Even for just a short while. And you know she is safe with her dad. Start putting yourself first. For dd to be ok you have to invest in yourself first as you are her rock.

Fairy, the last thing your ex needs is another baby. And the last thing a baby needs is them for parents. Sex is sex is sex. It's nothing really. Most men and many women can have sex without feeling true, deep and meaningful love. I've done it myself . Especially age 18 . If she is anything like most 18 year olds she will get very bored very quickly. Sit back and have faith. Think karma.

Romney, you ok? Hi Patience, Getting et al. X

Devastated - I also wake at 4am (hate it) and can imagine the comfort having your DD snuggled up in bed with you. It must be lovely for you both.

elsie-i think your right about having to look after yourself so you can look after dc,am now looking forward to mil having them as its 1st break and i hope i will feel stronger after as dont think i can get any lower.
Another bad day today,try to keep myself busy but was so cold i just wanted to spend the afternoon snuggled on sofa with dd and that was the start of the gloominess,she has a cold is feeling rough ,was just crying for her dad and reaching for my mobile,as he used to phone her most days from work,in the end i text asking him to phone,just hearing his voice was terrible ,i just felt so low,the reality that we will never share a life again etc

Big hugs fairy ,
I always thought it was best to put dcs first,but putting myself first means dcs have a happier mum.its a new positive selfish but healthy and totally acceptable,its a bit like being like a man tbh.u don't doubt urself,u believe in urself and have no self doubt.if UR anything like me it takes a fair bit of practice.everyone knows where they stand because instead of trying to make everyone else happy u make urself happy.as long as ur not being mean to anyone I find everyone is happier if I am.

Definitely look after yourself first. Dc's will be ok if you are. When I trained (nurse) we were always taught that preserving the life of a mother was paramount, ie in an emergency if you had to choose between saving mother or child then you choose the mother because there may be others depending on her. This was really brought home to me one day when a young woman was brought into A & E who was brain dead (massive bleed) and was written up not for resuscitation by a doctor as there was no hope. The consultant came along and played absolute merry hell because the girl had multiple stretch marks and so was obviously a mother and therefore he said we must not give up on her. That was 25 years ago. I never did find out what happened to her. But I will always remember that lesson. Mothers come first. I still remember the consultant tearing back the sheet and pointing to her stretch marks. We didn't even know her name, she had collapsed in the city centre.

Oh that's a bit deep isn't it?

ET - when do you go back to work? I was working today, it was so quiet, which is quite usual at the airport. Suppose its a quite time of year for flights. Got to go back to see OccHealth couldnt get an appointment until March!

Devastated - you will feel like you do for a long time, (sorry I wish I could tell you differently) and you will also hope he comes to his senses for months to come if you are anything like me. I suppose I have moved on a little, in so much as I still hope he comes to his senses but I know that he and I wouldnt work now as too much time has passed and he has hurt me too much. Up until now I havent got angry with him, but now I am finding it hard to imagine what kind of person does this to another human being, one that they professed to love, it really defies me the type of woman that gets involved with a married man, a weak one who obviously has been wired wrongly! Karma ET karma.

Elsie I love that story.I struggled bonding with my kids probably I bonded fine it was just my own way iyswim. I always wanted to feel the baby magazine way ,like isn't this just the best thing ever to happen .well that never really happened.I was always envious of mothers that were spoiled by their families.truth was doing 2 kids 15mths apart was toughest thing I had ever done.
The point I'm trying to make is how inspiring that the consultant should recognise the importance of the mother in society.
I have a better bond these days because Im not as stressed,I choose to do things and I also choose not to do things.we have survived because of me not because of their father.

Oh yes Patience, mine are 17 months apart and my word it's hard sometimes and I bonded terribly with DS with his colic and DD kept trying to hurt him when I left the room in the early days. They still have mega sibling rivalry. Hardwork sometimes. Beat myself up feeling guilty far too often in the past for not being the perfect mum and feeling exactly like they say you should feel.

Yeah Patience, it really affected me. I was only 19 or 20. The consultant wasn't that old but very English middle class public school type and the girl was about my age, poorly dressed and black. But my God, all he was seeing was the child or children that she had clearly given birth to and he was absolutely livid that anyone might not fight to the bitter end to save her for the sake of her children. What a hero .

Romney I'm going back to work this weekend. Went to see my boss yesterday and she gave me a big hug. She understands as she divorced her XH because he had an affair with her niece. Yukkity yuk!

Well I ended up going to appointment with ds as xp said he couldn't collect him from school in enough time . I was very, very frosty with him and he got the message loud and clear. I am very cross because he keeps telling everyone ds is fine and he just isn't. School have asked to see me as he keeps saying there's no point learning anything and wants to stay at home with me and be home schooled = I don't want to leave you mum because I miss you and want to protect you. He said "Dad doesn't smile any more with me or you. Is it because only OW makes him smile?" Fucking Hell, what's the answer to that one?

Helloooo Tea .

ET - lots of TLC for your DS, he will get past feeling like that in time, they adapt to change better than we do. My two DC have a very good relationship with their dad, but they will never forget that he left to be with OW when they were young, but I suppose in a way he was there for them.

Night night all, off to bed, hope fairy, devasted and where all have better days tomorrow, they will come albeit slowly.

DD cried herself to sleep last night after
worrying about the dog, the house, the future - depsite me reassuring her that we are keeping the dog and i will pay for dog walker if necessary and that daddy still loves her. She is not a fool and despite only being 8.5 wonders why her Daddy has still not told her why he has done this - it doesnt help that she believed as did i - that we were a happy family.

What really winds me up is that i have texted him this am - over an hour ago to tell him how upset she was and said that he can phone me to discuss - but that he needs to talk to his DD and there has been deafening silence..... i suspect he is running it past his sleezy tart OW rather than being man enough to face up to what he has done. I probably think that i am making it up- where do they go to these men in their heads - is it an alternative universe?

Sorry- must check these posts before i send them through

He probably thinks i am making it up

• i think he wants to think that everything is fine and that this is a phase that she is going through- when will he get it into his thick head that his beautiful and precious daughter already loves and respects him less because of what he has done and will probably never feel the same about him ever again!

I am so furious that he has ignored me - maybe it is just too painful for him to realise what he has done or else he is in total denial.

Denial I suspect. My Ex H also used to not reply to texts for ages if at all. It's extremely aggravating when all you want to do is help your child that you can see everyday, and what they're going through and it hurts

devestated-i really dont know,i think maybe they just switch of that parenting bit of their brain,i dont get it either how my H went from being a dad to some fool who has seen his kids once in a month and hardly asked about them,makes me sad for my kids.

well he finally phoned me 2.5 hours later and i explained that i am worried about her and that she needs to hear from him why he has done what he has done and that he reassures her that he loves in person and not by the silly texts that he keeps sending her. His repsonse is that he has said she can ask him anything - to which i respond that she is child whose world has been turned upside down and if he carries on like this she isnt going to want to see him at all in the future.

He then suggests seeing her over the weekend - she has already said she doesn't want to see him at the weekend and he suggests not telling her and just turning up - to which my response is you might be happy to lie to her but i am not. They just don't get it do they - can they just switch off that button in their head that deals with emotions and right and wrong?

I have asked him to listen to me on this and trust that the woman that he spent the last 13 years with is telling him the truth - or to find someone else to talk this through who he can trust- not the OW obviously.

Devastated I think the bit that I will never get is that he put his children's emotional stability at risk.can u contact a counsellor for advice .I always go with the simplest words ie reassuring the kids they are much loved.but they are nontheless dealing with abandonment issues .I have a counsellor,I don't see him very often but I know I can call him if I need to and that is a comfort to me.if u are aware u are using dd as a comfort emotionally,its good to have a plan of a more independent aproach.I'm not
judging u or saying what UR doing is wrong so please don't take me wrong.what I mean is we have to learn to heal ourselves so we create a stable home.sometimes a good counsellor can help us become more self aware and help us deal with our new real life situations.

Completely agree devastated re right and wrong,acceptable unacceptable behaviour,my X has an excuse for everything.

Also trust ur gut instinct re ur dd but I would def recommend a good counsellor as back up and a sounding board.

Thanks - i am going to arrange a counsellor but had been waiting till things felt a bit less raw as i thought this would be best but will sort this sooner rather than later.

The advice on here really helps - i think i am coping quite well but more concerned with DD and angry for her. Still it is Friday - we have quite a lot of nice things organised for the weekend and the sun is shining.