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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent help needed PLEASE...when is enough ENOUGH????

134 replies

worthless · 13/01/2011 12:03

this is my second thread on MN....first was "Crap wife - good mother"....

Things have moved on after an awful few weeks. Husband now found a house to rent and is due to move out at the weekend..... has asked me to think again about US and about the children (14,11,8) to think about what him leaving will do to them etc etc

He quite clearly does not want to leave his home, his children and wants to stay but I just don't know whether I can do this anymore.

Last 2 years have been truly dreadful for us all. Been unhappy for many years really. Only came to a head in last couple of years when DH turned nasty.

Have suffered EA from him (but didnt realise it was this until seen this from MN)

He has for a number of years been EA, been a bully, lazy, bad tempered, selfish, and sexually a pest - thinks women are up for sex whenever their husbands want it and that he is the only man to have sex ONLY 2 or 3 times a week!!!!

Finally had enough of the rows, temper, and abuse BUT he assures me he recognises that he has in his words "been a crap husband" and that it is not me that has "been the crap wife"......

Has he changed/can he change - should I give him one last go.....

I am not sure if I love him anymore - how can someone love someone who has been so horrible for so long - I have told him this and he is begging for one last chance.

Thoughts please - quickly!!!!!!!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 13/01/2011 12:05

I can see why you are in a state :(

But honestly, a man that has done the things he has done, is not going to change overnight.

This is just another manipulation/bullying tactic :(

Let him move - tell him he can prove it from the other house. See how long that last - my guess - 5 minutes.

coppertop · 13/01/2011 12:06

He can make the effort to change whilst living elsewhere.

If he's trying emotional blackmail with his "think of the children" lines then I doubt he's changed very much tbh.

feistychickfightingthebull · 13/01/2011 12:07

Do not give in to him asking you those questions about the children. THis is not about the children, it is about how he has been treating you - and you deserve better. The children will be fine. That is yet another classic example of him emotionally abusing you so that you feel bad for disrupting the kids' lives. That is not your fault. IF he had been a better dad / husband then you would not be splitting up. Do not give in, stick to your guns

malinkey · 13/01/2011 12:08

Stick to your guns! Sounds like you and your children have had an awful time of it and it's time for him to go.

If he really wants to change it will take him a long time and a lot of work. And if he really loves you he can do all this while living away from you so as not to cause any of you any more upset. If he's not interested in doing that or is being bullying about it, then it's not true.

Sounds like you know what you really want to do but he's tugging at your heartstrings.

ChessyEvans · 13/01/2011 12:08

Agree with ChippingIn, he can prove it from the other house, actions speak louder than words. You following through with what you've decided may be the wake up call he needs.

mrsshapelybottom · 13/01/2011 12:09

Let him move out anyway, give yourself some breathing space away from his behaviour and see how much you can blossom.

If he truly wants to show you he is changing then he can still do it whilst living elsewhere.

BTW, your kids will ultimately be fine, don't let him manipulate you into continuing with a situation you are unhappy with.

BecauseImWorthIt · 13/01/2011 12:12

Have you had/considered having counselling?

I agree that he should still move out, but if there any feelings left for him on your part, why not consider going to Relate? When you are on your own it will give you more 'headspace' to process things better anyway.

cestlavielife · 13/01/2011 12:14

let him prove it from outside your home and your head
the chidlren will eb fine -focus on practicalities when will tehy see him will they sleepover at his place which days etc.

StuffingGoldBrass · 13/01/2011 12:18

Yet another verdict that he can show how much he is changing from his home elsewhere.
If you give into the bullshit this time, it will get much worse, because he will think that you are not prepared to chuck him out and therefore he can do what he likes to you and all he has to do to ensure continued domestic service (and probably his entitlement to fuck your body when he feels like it) is promise to be a good boy in the future.

vinorosado · 13/01/2011 12:26

I really feel for you and understand, I am in exactly the same posistion (although only 1dd aged 3). For 2 1/2 years, as you have described - my DH has been terrible, undermining and EA at every turn... I have stuck it out as it all started because of a horrible medication he was taking for cancer but his behaviour has not changed and is worse now, even though the treatment is over. He says he is moving out this month, and while I am so sad it is time to give up now (for me) unless there is significant change caused by the space. As cestlavie says, he can prove it to you from outside the home and your head. It is probably time to make a stand, as I am doing, and give yourself chance to breathe. Maybe the change will be the making of you - 2 years living like this really is torture... I know - I wish you strength and luck.

haveagiraffe · 13/01/2011 12:30

No. Ditch him please. What will your children think of you if you let him treat you like crap again? What will they think of him?

LittleMissHissyFit · 13/01/2011 12:31

He won't change.

Not ever.

Please don't fall for it.

Original poster
worthless · 13/01/2011 12:43

wow - cant believe so many replies so quickly so THANK YOU - I really need your support as I suppose I know what to do and am just wavering.....been together for nearly 30 years and I am only in my mid 40's so I am so so scared......

I care for him, I really really do and feel so sad that I am making him go but I really do feel that this kids and me (and him really) have had enough and need some head space. When he is nice then I think I can do it but then he goes back to being horrid (when he does not get a f*k) for a few days I think oh shite I just cant do it.

The kids have definately suffered especially my son (age 11). We are really close and he loves me so much and does not understand what his dad's problem is!!!! He wants to marry someone just like me (bless)....he loves his dad too but recently has started telling me things like "he gets tense when he hears his dad's key in the door"......

Oh tell me I must be strong please - husband tells me that if he goes then he wont be back as he will start a new life and that we will have to sell the house as he does not plan to live like a monk!!!

I tell him that if he goes then we can discover our true feelings for each other and that if we both want it then maybe when he realises what he has got/lost then maybe we can start again - he says that this wont happen and that it will be the end.

tried Relate - councellor told me that he was the most angry agressive man she had ever met (after he called her a twisted lesbian)!!!!

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 13/01/2011 12:46

Then you must stick to your guns, worthless. I was Sad to hear your DS's comments. No child should feel like that when a parent comes home.

And you certainly shouldn't be used and abused like this.

Buda · 13/01/2011 12:50

Stick to your guns. If not for you then for your children.

Your DH sounds horrible - esp if he couldn't even manage to stay nice for the counselling. What a charmer.

You will be MUCH better off without him.

ChessyEvans · 13/01/2011 12:57

Just to add (although this is way down the line) that you would not have to sell the house unless it is far above your needs (as in your needs living with 3 children in full time education). So if it's a 4 or 5 bed house then you are likely to be able to stay in the house until the children leave school (if you wanted to).

Don't give in to his threats and his claims that he will waltz off into a new life - he'd have to find someone that wanted him first! Just think, you only have to hold onto your resolve for a couple more days and then he will be out and you can then see what really happens and decide what you want to do longer term.

sincitylover · 13/01/2011 13:00

agree with all the others. Men like this really do fuck with your head.

Even now (four years post split) my exh still does it with me - I complain to him about his behaviour and he comes back with his manipulative bullshit and even now I sometimes feeel sorry for him.

My dcs have seen through him btw as they have seen how he behaves towards me, towards them when he's on his own with them and how different he behaves when he's with new p who he's still trying to impress.

im sure his behaviour has affected the dcs - the oldest in particular talks about daddy talking through gritted teeth.

This man sounds a nightmare and to regain your peace of mind get rid!

smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 13:09

YOU CAN DO IT!! YOU DESERVE A FRESH START!

NicknameTaken · 13/01/2011 13:09

Whenever you feel weak, remember your son's words - do you want his main childhood memory to be his tension at the sound of his dad's key? I say that because I really knew, at a gut level, that I was doing the right thing after I'd moved out and I thought I heard my ex's footstep on the stair and I froze - daren't breath for a moment. I didn't realize till then how on guard I constantly was.

wubblybubbly · 13/01/2011 13:19

OP, I agree with everyone else. The best way to see if he can change is for him to leave and give you some head space.

If he truly had changed surely he would understand the impact of his behaviour and would appreciate why it's so important for him to leave, giving you the time to work things out in your own mind? He isn't though, he's still trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

You have given him 30 years of your life, it's clear that you haven't come to this decision lightly. It sounds as though you have tried everything you possibly can to try to make this work. I think the least you deserve is some time and space for yourself to work out what you want from your life. If he truly cares for your needs (rather than just his own) he would recognise that.

Good luck and stay strong. You've been incredibly strong to get to this point.

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 13/01/2011 13:28

Enough is enough when you feel like this, and feel 'worthless'.

Different details but I went through a similar thing and some drink related problems.

Always treading on eggshells, doubting myself, a crumbling mess who was struggling to be a good mum as I was on the brink of a breakdown, if not in the middle of one.

Love isn't an emotional roller coaster. Life is but the bond you have should be the strength that keeps you going apart from the odd hiccup.

It is hard 'worthless' but the change, the relief, the peace, the rebuilding of your DC's self esteem and confidence is a miracle.

For a while, there is a euphoria, mixed with a sense of the silence after loud noises stop. It feels weird and not quite right. And then one day it just clicks.

If he is making threats that if he goes he will not be back or planning to live like a Monk is a bit crap. Because if he truly recognised that he was being crap he would give you space, get some help for his issues and do everything to keep things as balanced as possible. He is being controlling. So he is not trying very hard to change Sad

My DS especially is very Hmm about his Dad. He loves him but recognises that something was deeply wrong.

It will be OK 'worthless' and maybe you will feel like changing your user name, because you are NOT worthless.

Take care x

marriednotdead · 13/01/2011 13:28

He has to go! Don't let him mess with your head a moment longer.

Your son's words gave me a chill, I used to feel like that when in a DV relationship.

Keep chanting in your head 'we deserve better' every time he lays it on thick. Because you do.

woodenpeg · 13/01/2011 13:36

stick to your guns; only when he is gone can you really see the wood for the trees.

good luck; stay focused.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2011 13:39

Do you notice the glaring inconsistency between his claim that he's seen the light, will change etc, and his insistence that if he moves out that is it forever? With one hand he is offering an apology, but with the other, a threat. That does not sound like a man who is genuinely remorseful.

You can think much better about "us and the children" when you have space for your own thoughts. What he's really afraid of is that you will find you can cope on your own just fine and won't miss him a bit. He's trying a combination of pity, guilt and fear so he doesn't have to give you that thinking space.

toomanystuffedbears · 13/01/2011 13:45

I know it is hard to get all the negatives out of your brain; but for a few minutes at least- try to focus on the positives of his
departure:

You are being pro-active for your mental health. It is not mentally healthy for you to be around him, nor is it for your children.

You will be able to have RESPECT associated with YOURSELF once again. He has treated you like an object, not a person.

You will be able to relax without the dark cloud of impending harrassment hanging over you or your entire household.

And I will guess that the relief you will feel within 48 hours of his going will so immense that you will truly wonder why you didn't do this years ago.

Stay focused Worthless(NOT) (change your name). This is a moment of great courage and you can do it. My favorite quote is "Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!"

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