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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent help needed PLEASE...when is enough ENOUGH????

134 replies

worthless · 13/01/2011 12:03

this is my second thread on MN....first was "Crap wife - good mother"....

Things have moved on after an awful few weeks. Husband now found a house to rent and is due to move out at the weekend..... has asked me to think again about US and about the children (14,11,8) to think about what him leaving will do to them etc etc

He quite clearly does not want to leave his home, his children and wants to stay but I just don't know whether I can do this anymore.

Last 2 years have been truly dreadful for us all. Been unhappy for many years really. Only came to a head in last couple of years when DH turned nasty.

Have suffered EA from him (but didnt realise it was this until seen this from MN)

He has for a number of years been EA, been a bully, lazy, bad tempered, selfish, and sexually a pest - thinks women are up for sex whenever their husbands want it and that he is the only man to have sex ONLY 2 or 3 times a week!!!!

Finally had enough of the rows, temper, and abuse BUT he assures me he recognises that he has in his words "been a crap husband" and that it is not me that has "been the crap wife"......

Has he changed/can he change - should I give him one last go.....

I am not sure if I love him anymore - how can someone love someone who has been so horrible for so long - I have told him this and he is begging for one last chance.

Thoughts please - quickly!!!!!!!

OP posts:
tammybear · 14/01/2011 09:59

That's two of your children now who have admitted to you how they feel about their dad. Please, even if you can't accept our views, listening to them. Your eldest DD even agreed he needs to leave!

It is tough, and I know how hard he is making this for you, but the fact that he told your DD that you two arguing about whether he should leave or not is "normal", clearly it isn't.

Do you have family that you and DC can stay with? Is the house in both your names? You need to get some legal advice asap in where you stand with the house. I can't give much advice in terms of how to get him out the house I'm afraid. When I wanted to split with DD's father, he wouldn't accept it. So I told him to stay at his parents for a week whilst I got my head around it. Then when he was there, I got the locks changed. I don't know if you can do that, or if it's wise for you to do so.

Just keep strong. I'll have my fingers crossed that he does leave, although guessing by his attitude, he won't, or possibly hasn't even found somewhere to move to but using it to see how you'll react? I'm just guessing here.

ReadytheRedNoseReindeer · 14/01/2011 10:05

Stay strong, in a few months time you won't recognise your old life, and will be discovering how fantastic life is when free. your children will be able to be themselves and blossom. It's hard, I had to flee, but will so be worth it.

I'm praying he leaves, but agree with tammybear, he prob is just testing your reaction, and hasn't anywhere to go, that's the sort of mind game my xh used to play.

Original poster
worthless · 14/01/2011 10:13

I must say I do keep thinking what a new life will be like with just me and the children but I am scared too. When you have been with the same person since you were 16 it is really scary thinking of life without them!!!

Been unhappy for such a long time that a big part of me thinks it must be me.......maybe I am the insane one.......maybe it is my fault........maybe I should just shut up and put up!!!!

Sorry to be so weak.....don't feel strong.......feel so confused.....

OP posts:
ReadytheRedNoseReindeer · 14/01/2011 10:21

It is fantastic. I have had mine for 18months.

Stick to your guns, remember you are not worthless, it is his behaviour that is unacceptable. ring womens aid, they'll know of the various options available.

A phrase someone on here said to me once really helped me... I have a choice whether I stay, my dc's have no choice. meaning you reach a point where you have to make the choice between their needs and his wants. if he really knew he'd been an arse he'd move out and understand the repairs had to be done from a distance.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 10:22

Your children have told you how they feel. You owe it to them to let them grow up without this anger and bullying. He must leave. It's not really even your decision to make, as the children have spoken. Enough dawdling, get on with it! Decision made.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 14/01/2011 10:36

"I JUST WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME"

change that to

I just want you to serve me, agree with me, obey me, and keep quiet while I manipulate you..our kids and ABUSE you.

He is NOT convincing...he hasn't convinced anyone here ... or even your children.. that him staying is the best for you all.

He wants to stay, he doesn't want to change, he doesn't want to cook his own meals, wash his own clothes, cklean his own house.

He doesn't want to loose control of you and the kids...who can he dominate and abuse if his "beloved" family aren't under his thumb... how can he be "the man"???

you are doing the right thing...for you and the kids...that manchild bully needs to grow up and get the hell out

Original poster
worthless · 14/01/2011 11:06

Just had a text from him telling me "to drop the past - to drop my anger and to let him love me and to love him. He is sorry for all the pain he has caused me and that he only did it because he loves me so much and has been in so much pain and so lonely living in a loveless marriage"

I replied "I can't forget, it is not in the past it is in the here and now".

He replied "YOU HAVE TO"

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 11:13

Text "my mind is made up. You must leave if there is any hope for us. I am not discussing this further until you have left". And stick to it.

Original poster
worthless · 14/01/2011 11:18

Thank you loopy!!!!!

Just did exactly what you said ..............

(and I mean it)

OP posts:
bisybackson · 14/01/2011 11:20

OP (I too will not use your nickname) I never, never post on these threads as I don't feel myself qusalified but I have to say this to you:

You H has not changed one iota. Not one. He is still bullying you now - even when he is apparently expressing remorse. Please, please don't let him off the hook. You can't make him sign the rental contract but you can stand firm and say you want him to. You do not need to 'grow up and love him' - how self-centered is that as a comment?

I am about your age and I have also been with my DH for many years so I truly appreciate how scary this is but please find the strength to do it. It is not just about you - it is for your children too. If (and it's a big if) your H is serious about changing he will do it from the new house.

bisybackson · 14/01/2011 11:20

x-post

So pleased. Well Done!

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 11:23

Excellent. Please stick to it. Enough discussion, get it over and done with, for the sake of your children. Quickly!

Original poster
worthless · 14/01/2011 11:48

his reply to text message "how dare you try and manipulate me - don't tell me what to do"

Won't send a reply back. Think this is going to turn very nasty. I am scared !

OP posts:
Justthisone · 14/01/2011 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameTaken · 14/01/2011 11:56

Agree. Don't argue! He has years of experience in out-arguing you and making you doubt yourself. Do not engage! Have you a real-life friend or relative that can come and hold your hand and keep you strong?

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/01/2011 12:56

What time is he due back?

Can you call the police and ask them to send a PCSO to make sure that there is no breach of the peace and that he doesn't return.

He is threatening you, he said he was going to leave, he said he was renting a flat, and it looks like he will back out and come back to you. TELL the police that the DC have said they are scared, that YOU are scared, and you don't want him in your life anymore.

The Police will make him leave.

Then got legal help and get a non molestation order.

LittleMissHissyFit · 14/01/2011 12:58

get legal help

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 13:15

I agree, a PC or even a friend or neighbour keeping an eye out when he returns will make you feel safer. If friend / neighbour, don't let them in the house or interfere though, that might make things difficult. Does he have somewhere to go tonight?

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 13:16

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 will help you figure it out. Call them now.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 14/01/2011 13:35

ooohh he doesn't like you standing up to him. Phone Womans aid then do exactly what they say. I wouldn't trust him to even enter the house with his threatening tone.

You are doing really well...don't bother with a reply..he will just keep arguing in circles

wubblybubbly · 14/01/2011 13:40

Worthy (I like that better Grin) he showing you just how much he has changed right now, isn't he?

It sounds like he thinks Mr Nice Guy is only for when things are going the way he wants them to, as soon as you disagree with him, it's back in with the old version.

I agree that calling Women's Aid is a great idea, even if it's just getting some of this off your chest. They'll be able to advise you of your rights and give you guidance. It's just a phone call, it can't do any harm to talk to hem and will probably help a lot. Do you feel up to chatting with them?

Good luck. I'm so sorry he's behaving like this.

ReadytheRedNoseReindeer · 14/01/2011 13:48

be strong. and... prepare yourself, get your important documents, and some clothes for each of you together just in case you need to leave suddenly should he turn nasty. men like that up their game to regain control. once away from this madness see if you can get a place on the freedom programme run by women's aid

Original poster
worthless · 14/01/2011 14:41

Once again thank you all for caring. Not been able to talk to any friends about this as too ashamed! We have been talking on the phone/text for the last couple of hours and he says he knows this is all his fault and that he knows how much he ha hurt me but FINALLY saying that he recognizes that I need some space. Told him I feel like a wounded animal in the corner too scared to come out. Too scared to even look at him let alone be intimate with him. Been begging him for months to be my friend and to try and rebuild but not lasted more than a couple of days before the testosterone kicks in and he turns nasty again when I don't reciprocate in the bedroom department!!! I need weeks/months of love/care/tenderness/and niceness before I can even come out of the corner.......do you guys get that??

Sorry about this being all about me!!!

He says that he will go as planned and wants more councelling and wants to work with me so I hope this is really what he means. Nearly 30 years together is a long time. Am I wrong for needing space ?????

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 14:45

No you are not wrong, stick to your guns.

And this is supposed to be all about you, it's your thread!

susiedaisy · 14/01/2011 15:22

please stay strong, there are many on here that have been through this, you know deep down this situation cant carry on indefinitely and that you have to find the strength for you and your children to see it through to the end, i have just come out the other side and was bracing myself for the worst but b4 i did anything i found a good solicitor and got legal aid and then went to court to get non molestation order and an occupation order and guess what he backed down like a startled rabbit caught in the headlights, (the bullying always went on behind closed doors with just me and the kids,) bring the courts into it and he shat himself, so the verbal intimidation etc that i was expecting never materialised, (so far)

i took charge of the situation and knew what i wanted (after months of agonizing over it and finally telling family members) and in fact i got a huge amount of support from close friends and family who suspected he was a pig to me and the kids anyway (i thought i covered it up )

there is financial help out there for you, i will never be rich but with careful planning i will have enough for the bills etc, and he will have to pay you CM, which is 20% of his take home pay if you have two DC, so you wont be destitute, the advice on here has really helped me, good luck keep us updated x