Urgent help needed PLEASE...when is enough ENOUGH????

[worthless]

this is my second thread on MN....first was "Crap wife - good mother"....

Things have moved on after an awful few weeks. Husband now found a house to rent and is due to move out at the weekend..... has asked me to think again about US and about the children (14,11,8) to think about what him leaving will do to them etc etc

He quite clearly does not want to leave his home, his children and wants to stay but I just don't know whether I can do this anymore.

Last 2 years have been truly dreadful for us all. Been unhappy for many years really. Only came to a head in last couple of years when DH turned nasty.

Have suffered EA from him (but didnt realise it was this until seen this from MN)

He has for a number of years been EA, been a bully, lazy, bad tempered, selfish, and sexually a pest - thinks women are up for sex whenever their husbands want it and that he is the only man to have sex ONLY 2 or 3 times a week!!!!

Finally had enough of the rows, temper, and abuse BUT he assures me he recognises that he has in his words "been a crap husband" and that it is not me that has "been the crap wife"......

Has he changed/can he change - should I give him one last go.....

I am not sure if I love him anymore - how can someone love someone who has been so horrible for so long - I have told him this and he is begging for one last chance.

Thoughts please - quickly!!!!!!!

No, no, no, it's not your fault.

It took him a long, long time to have his epiphany - right up to the weekend he was to move out - and if you let him back he will have nothing but contempt for you (even more evident than it is now). The 'change' with the flowers, blah, blah, blah, is only there so that he doesn't lose face. It's nothing to do with his feelings for you and everything to do with his pride and desire not to be 'defeated' bu you.

In his world there is no such thing as mutuality in a relationship. One person must dominate while the other is crushed, and he thinks you are playing his power game here and crushing him. His efforts to impress you are a gambit in his game, with the aim of restoring him to his dominant position eventually.

There are two threads you should look at as TMSB mentions: 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' and 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Part 2)' - both are long and relevant.

He has messed with your head if you think you're the one in the wrong here.

Stay strong Worthy!
I think toomanystuffedbears has the right idea. Disengage completely.
My friend has allowed her abusive (both emotionally and physically) H back home and it is truly awful to watch. The DS is threatening self harm,family & friends are slowly being alienated - but in her mind he's changed because he ran her a bath and put the kids to bed for her
Please rid yourself of this man and give yourself a chance to live the life you deserve.

Sorry just to add, friends H also said it was better for the kids for him to return, despite the DS crying and saying he was scared of him. Who does the DS have to tuen to now? His mum had a choice that poor boy didn't and is now living scared in his own home.

Hi OP, just read your thread and wanted to send you 'keep strong' vibes. Don't you think it's a coincidence that he is stalling for time and his funds haven;t been cleared And now he's trying to do things he thinks will influence you, flowers and ironing do not make for a happy marriage and partnership and he is not showing you a ny respect lying on top of you and asking for a shag . Keep strong, and wait for him to go. If he wants to make a go of it, then he should be able to keep making an effort and trying to make a relationship with you. teh fact that he can turn nasty when you txt him he has to go would indicate he is not going to change. Good luck for today and this week, let him go and see what happens when you both have some space.

Woken up at 6 with husband sobbing......begging to stay, begging forgivess, begging for me to love him, begging to keep the family together.........

I want to run away and if I didn't have my children I don't know what I would do. Told him we agreed on Friday that some space for us both etc etc was needed and that nothing has changed - that is still the case.

He said to me "stop fighting me, stop the war, just love me, I have changed" . I said that I am broken and not fighting, I said there is no war just a battlefield with me lying naked in the mud and that if he had truely changed then he would respect where I am mentally with this and give me/us the space that I need.

He said well there is more to this than you are telling me (meaning what exactly)!!!! And that he is not going anywhere so forget my daydreams and get real and sort myself out!!!!!!

So he now admits he has no intention of going anywhere. worthywoman, I have read your whole thread, and remember you from other threads. I recognise so much of it including the horrible pestering for sex. And the dread on hearing the key in the lock. I'm just wondering if he refuses to go maybe you and the dcs will have to go. You can sort the finances out re the house etc, with the divorce. But still try to get him to go first. Have you tried this number? 0808 2000 247 or 0808 800 5000. for advice.
Stay strong.

Please please please do not be manipulated into backing down.

Look how quickly he changed from sobbing wreck into hardfaced pig.

Perhaps he thinks the reverse will work on you- you'll stop being this difficult woman who dares to try and be happy, and revert to the doormat he prefers?

No you won't, you're worth more
and so are your DCs.

Call those numbers, please.

Sending strong positive vibes x

This is exactly what I experienced; Crying and begging, buying flash pressies then telling me children will disappear/I wouldn't get away/accusing me of running off with someone else.

I did actually cancel the divorce proceedings (he was from abroard, Middle East, and he could have disappeared with the kids with the family closing rank around him)but it got no better- he got worse.

I was freed in an unexpected way as he died two months later after it was found he had raging cancer. I don't know what I would have done; you have to keep your resolve, or you may never have any peace.

he is not kind to you after you have looked after his needs for many years

This is so weird, it feels like reading a description of my life with XH on the run up to the divorce. He could change in a moment from nice to nasty, calm to raging and back again, pleading to threatening. He used to threaten all the time to leave, emigrate, throw himself off a cliff etc, but when I asked him to leave he said he wasn't going anywhere. His admission he had been "an asshole" and consequent promise to change lasted a whole two days. I had to insist we didn't share a bed, too; woke up one night and found him actually part-way through the deed . I said the next day that I didn't care if he slept in the garage or what, he was not sharing a bed with me again, ever. He said he was glad he was moving out because I had poked him in the eye and possibly broken one of his ribs while he was asleep - ridiculous and probably physically impossible. I might have wanted to belt him with something heavy but I never actually did it!

The thing is, they keep you on the back foot, they tell you rubbish with a straight face, you couldn't lie to someone the way he lies to you; so you start to wonder, could it be the truth? No it isn't. Whatever contradictory nonsense they say keeps your head spinning. That's the objective. As long as you're confused you won't take action, that's what he's counting on. So he will tell you you're lovely, worthless, clever, stupid, manipulative, helpless. It's all just words, they don't have to mean anything and quite often they don't. He's grabbing for everything in desperation, throwing all his weapons at you in one go. It's not a pretty sight.

Of course it's natural to feel sorry for a man who appears to have lost his grip on reality, a man who is on the brink of losing his family. To you that would be the ultimate horror. To him it's... who knows? All he has to do to keep you all is be ordinarily nice, not Superdad, just decent and kind, but he won't or can't do that. Big fat deal he did some housework and bought you a present. Men who love their wives do that regularly to show they care, not once in 30 years because they don't want to be thrown out.

You are so not a heartless bitch, and you are the one who only wanted to be loved. What he is talking about when he says "love each other" is letting him have sex. Once again he's stood the facts on their head, regardless of logic, to confuse you, and it's at least partly working. That's why you wobble. He keeps destabilising you. Hold on and do this. You really can, and you really should.

Thanks Math. [smlle]

Good for you Worthless. It sounds like you can see the dynamic going on here more clearly.

I'd be tempted to throw him out tomorrow-why put up with the drama? Why do him a favor-the funds not clear yet is his problem, not yours.

Take care.

Please ring Women's Aid - he is not interested in listening to you he just wants his own way and will use any manipulative tactic to get his own way - do not fall for it!
Stay strong and keep remembering you have the right to make your own decisions and be happy!

What a nasty man he really is. Sounds a lot like my ex-BIL, apparantly they were happily married - no HE was happily married, SIL was an unhappy shadow of her former self.

He was also nasty one minute, lovely the next, using the kids as pawns in his game etc.

I would start divorce proceedings asap and if need be leave the house with the dc your sanity is the most important thing.

Worthy please please please listen to everybody on this thread - we are all begging you not to give in to this monster. Just think of your DS, take a deep breath, and tell the abuser to b*gger off. If he was truly capable of changing, he'd have done it years ago. What moron thinks a bunch of flowers is enough to make up for years of abuse? It doesn't show he's changed, it just shows he has a couple of quid in his pocket and he thinks he can buy you for that. Tell him he's the one that's dreaming, kick him out and change the locks.

I also think we need a bit less from you of the "I'm a wounded animal" and "lying naked in the mud of the battlefield" analogies.

Have some respect for yourself, stand up,and refuse to be manipualted and bullied.

Making yourself seem powerless you both him and yourself isn't helping anyone here.

Someone upthread said that you have more than enough to get a possession order and a non-molestation order.

Do it.

Her can go nicely, or he can go with the police and the courts, but he has to go.

Your two children have both expressed that they would be better off without him. Think about that.

He doesnt want to leave but for all the wrong reasons.

He also knows what we all know too which is once he has been gone a little while you will never want him back.

As you say 30 years is a long time , long enough of this wouldnt you say.

I agree with Katisha - don't let him see you as a victim or he will keep pressurising you until you break. As I said before, fill your head with what your children are saying, know in your heart that you are doing the best for them, get some backbone, and GET RID!

Once he is gone, you will realise how wonderful life can be, your children will be safe and happy, and you can start to build a new life with just the three of you.

Oops - hit the post button too early

Hissy is right too - get the full force of the law behind you, their boots are nice and heavy and all the better for kicking his miserable backside into the middle of next year.

I remember being at this stage myself. Two things that helped:

a) it was so impossibly, painfully hard that once I was halfway through, I knew I had to keep going. Because if I gave in, I knew he would go back to his bad old ways, and I wasn't sure I had the strength to do all that painful build-up to a split again.

b) I realized that most of my pain was about me feeling his pain. Oh, I was sad for myself, because I was giving up my dream of a happy family, but the really acute pain (and guilt) came from what I thought he was feeling. I suddenly had the th ought - why not let him feel his own pain, just for this afternoon? Is it really my job to feel it for him? I was able to just let it go.

You can't make this work. No matter how hard you try, how much you sacrifice, how little importance you attach to your wellbeing. It is beyond you. It is time to let go.

So did you see what happened there, Worthywoman? He worked himself into a display of sobbing that turned quickly to aggression when he didn't get his way, along with an accusation. He is suggesting you have someone else and will not take any responsibility for running your marriage into the ground - he is saying you are a liar, you are a cheat, and you are a manipulator - anything but acknowledge he is wrong and it is over and he has no choice now.

You are dealing with a very aggressive man who thinks he doesn't answer to anyone, who thinks rules and decency are for other people. And he is prepared to ride roughshod over your boundaries as shown in the 'shag' incident.

He feels nothing but contempt for you as he pushes and pushes here. You can force him out of the house - go to WA (phone and keep on trying if their line is busy) and go to the police.

Read and reread Annie's post.

I didn't find this board until after my H passed away; I feel I would have had some real support here if I had posted a long time ago.

NickNameTaken that is really good advice; I was hurt by my H so badly, but still found the time to reflect on the fact that how could I possibly take his children away from him?

What I failed to realise was that he was the master of his own destiny, he was making life unbearable for us, his family, yet accepted absolutely no responsibility for it.

I never made him responsible for his own actions and carried the weight of the relationship whilst he acted like a spoilt child who had to have his own way.

Worthy, stay strong

I wish you had have been here too, Your ExH was from the middle east, I can just about imagine what hell you went through, when types like that are mean, they are really really mean.

Thing is, as I am finding, even today, we can not make them responsible for their own actions. Manipulators like these just twist words, re-write history because they can't handle the truth.

If they accept the real version of events, that would make them monsters, and because their self-esteem is so low already, they can't afford for that to happen.

Mine came home today with a far-fetched version of events as to why it's all gone wrong between us, all conveniently placing me at the centre of the blame. But forgiving me for it. (ffing big of him eh?)

When I tried to correct him, he got nasty and shouted over the top of me again. I give up.

From now on, until he leaves the only words out of my mouth will be Yes Dear, Hmm, and Oh right.

Thanks LittleMiss. Actually you are right facing up to himself would have probably been impossible.

He died in less than three weeks of becoming sick and I remember when he was in the hospital he ordered me to send the children away for the night ( he never let them stay outside the house before ) and I was to remain with him as he thought that 'this was make or break'(?). At that time he was undiagnosed. He had a lot of nursing that night because they had put in a lung drain yet he wouldn't let me out of his sight, hardly slept and his eyes snapped open if I moved. He was probably scared, but I felt really weird about it and thought that when he gets better, things were going to be very different.

The next day I researched his symptoms and realised what was wrong with him and I knew he was going to die soon as he looked nothing like the other 'walking wounded' about the hospital. I felt a strange mix of being thoroughly upset and knowing I was going to be free from him forever; it makes me feel strange even writing this now.

I suppose in my case I'm quite glad I didn't pursue the divorce proceedings only two months earlier; for the sake of the mess that may have been, had we been embroiled in that when he fell sick ( his illness, of course, was my fault anyway according to him ).

Sorry I have hijacked your thread Worthy. You need to be free of all the stress that your H is creating. I truly hated the tension I felt when the key went in the door and the calmness and peace when thats gone is like fresh air x