I have to decide today

[whethergirl]

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

Am I now being paranoid because he ended his last text, which wasn't nasty, with "Goodbye and take care, be careful out there eh! x"

It's just that after what everyone on here has been saying....

Or is that just general "advice" and nothing sinister? Is that a normal thing to say?

Adding the extra stuff into the text made you out to be a persecutor and him as a victim in the game you have going on here, obviously you wanted more drama and you got it, you felt in control and he now feels like a victim oh dear! Is feeling superior to this man that important to you? is his begging you to be in his life that important to your self esteem? Is having this drama that important to you?

No it is not obvious that you need to be in touch with his stuff, you and he are using his stuff as an excuse to carry on the drama. With all the get it to friends house, text him when it is there drama, a cleaner way would have been to use that firm that someone recomended to you back a few pages and it would have been over now.

You need to ask yourself what are you getting out of all of this yourself?

"be careful out there" was a catchphrase from Hill Street Blues, after the morning briefing, the commander would say it just before the cops went off on their rounds. I'd say it was just a way of saying look after yourself, ie Goodbye.

DOn't worry about him killing himself: self-obsessed wankers like this are never so obliging as to actually die. He might take two and a half paracetamol and claim it's an overdose, I suppose, but still it's not your problem.

I think he may actually make a real attempt at suicide, and if he does that is not about you, it is about his issues which he has been carrying a long time, he needs to go and get counselling, as you have just been giving him co dependant short term solutions, as you are getting on this thread youself, long term he and you both need therapy as you are both embroiled in the game you have both created and you are both carrying on with.

by setting you the ultimatum of today he's actually handed you a great get out clause. you make the decision today, explain you have realised your feelings will not change where he is concerned, sorry and all but time to move on. then make the break.

wow, he's really pushing it isn't he?

I'd say go for the cutting off all contact now. Everytime you reply, it's a way of engaging in further communication and gives him a green light to continue.

He'll be fine. If he isn't, he can go and get therapy like anyone else. He's being very manipulative now. All his emotions and struggles; they are his problem, not yours.

Fingers crossed he leaves you alone now though.

Ok, thanks BalloonSlayer, that's quite typical to him to use quotes so that fits.

MummieHunnie, I have to tell you, I am not enjoying this one little bit and can't wait for this to be over. It doesn't help my self esteem at all to know that I've ended up with another fuck wit. If I really wanted to play the game, I would have stayed with him. Perhaps there is an inkling of truth in what you're saying, but I am trying to do the best thing here. It's easy for everyone else to be detached...don't forget this is someone I know and have shared my life with over the last 10 months, I don't actually enjoy hurting him even if I'm not responsible for him. He is already in shock at how quickly I am moving things on (ie facebook single status, defriending, not wanting contact).

It might sound like an excuse, but I am on a very tight budget and using a courier service is not something I can afford (def not this month anyway). I'm just trying to think of a practical soloution (friend has major issues going on in her life, and also she always takes train to see me as she hates driving around here).

I don't think parcel monkey would even work, a guitar and a scooter and tons of other stuff can't exactly be packaged up. I'm just looking online for other options.

Whetergirl, I don't imagine that your ex is enjoying phoning you up with snotty goodbyes and embarising himself with suicidal poems on fb either, it is still a game where you are both playing out the same roles. If he rings up again, for the sake of him being a human being and for you to live with yourself, don't tell him to f off, tell him you don't love him and wish him well, then say you have to go door bell, oven what ever... Don't drop down to his lowlife nasty ways.

Of course he is in shock, you have been his rescuer codependant for the past ten months helping him with his issues, and he has pushed you away with his controlling ways, and quite rightly you are trying to get out of this unhealthy relationship for the sake of yourself and your son. You have heald him back and maybe the end of the relationship will get you both into therapy and sort out why you are both attracted to this sort of situation.

Get the stuff out of your house (today if poss) to someone else's house who's willing to help. Ask them to contact him to let him know it's there and when's good for him to collect him.

No contact. It doesn't need to be you who does the handover the stuff thing at all!

No contact.

It's not you, it's him.

No contact.

It's not you, it's him.

(Repeat as necessary.)

Thanks MummieHunnie, well put and makes complete sense. I will definitley do something about it as I really don't want to play out this game over and over with what appears to be the same man every time. Not really into the kind of therapy the opens up cans of worms from the past tbh as I think it can all get a bit self indulgent and not neccesarily helpful. Will look into NLP, my neighbour is a practitioner and might be able to help.

WG, I just don't understand what this faff is all about. Really. The man has been dumped. Why are we still talking about it? He is no longer your responsibility. You need to move on and put this behind you, get on with other things, stop wasting head space.

On a practical front. Change your locks - I don't think anything will happen but for the avoidance of doubt...

1. Tell him he needs to come and pick up his stuff within a reasonable timeframe (1/2 weeks?) else you will leave it at xxxx for him to collect at hiss leisure.

Show him you mean business, all this belly-aching is giving the man false hope. He's imagining things that aren't there. That goodbye call was designed to make you feel so bad you change your mind.

FGS

Don't forget everyone that even though I am sure WG see's the split as the best thing for both herself and in the long run her DS it is still hard/emotional for her. Just keep strong WG and I would change your locks if I were you, it shouldn't cost too much seen as you have the actual keys. Better to be more cautious

I had some amazing counselling after a particularly abusive relationship. It was utterly great. We agreed it would be for a set amount of time, and then reviewed.

Together we examined what was happening in the relationship (and in this case my choice to be with him was related to what I saw as being my 'ideal man', which was abusive as my dad had been many years before - classic stuff.) We didn't trawl through every single incident, but it took time for me to link it all up. It really did create some lightbulb moments for me. It's amazing to see things from such a fresh perspective. My counsellor couldn't have been more supportive.

And my question at the last few sessions was, 'how do I avoid making these same choices again?' She told me now that I was conscious of what had gone before, I could make a new mental 'tape recording' of what to look for so that eventually I could feel attraction to what was good for me.

And she was right. I know not all counselling is brilliant for all people, but I cannot recommend it highly enough.

And yes, I agree with those who suggest you change the locks. See it as being symbolic of a new beginning. Get yourself a really nice new keyring, too!

This guy IS going to cause trouble. I can see all the red flags from here.

Change your locks today, protect yourself asap. Defriend and DON'T BLOODY ANSWER HIS TEXTS/CALLS.

Take this as the biggest warning of your life.

I mean it. This guy is only just warming up.

You need major protection, major help and you need to safeguard yourself and your DS.

Stop playing this game, and start protecting yourself.

I see you are still not listening to us, WG

I can't actually be arsed to type out the same reply that has been posted to you ad infinitum since the very beginning of this thread

take him back, love, you might as well

hear hear AF i was just thinking the same!

then we can all stop pissing about

He is after all a decent human being, we have all been too hard on him and he LOVES the OP very much.

Give OP a chance - she has only recetly seen the light re this man, and the type she goes for, and how it's like her own father etc!

It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime just like that.

WG - stay firm and don't engage further. HAve you rung your friend?

OP, where abouts are you? perhaps a mner can drop his stuff off...I would worry about him coming to yours even if the stuff were outside.

Thanks for the thought JaquiChanWillSparkle, but would not expect such a big favour from someone I don't even know. My friend is going to help me sort his stuff out.

So I've dumped him, defriended him on facebook, asked him to stop all contact, addressed my own issues and AF you come out with

take him back, love, you might as well

Thanks for that To be honest I think I've done really well in all of this, and yes it's a bit self indulgent of me to come on here and update, but Ive found it helpful to have the support.

thebrownstuff, "WG, I just don't understand what this faff is all about. Really. The man has been dumped. Why are we still talking about it?" I split up with him on MONDAY, it's not even been a week! No I don't want to drag it out either, and tbh it's starting to bore me too, but I don't think most couples who seperate do so with ease, with no emotion, no doubts/fears/upset etc. and cut a clean break in 2 days.

missmehalia - don't suppose you know what type of counselling technique it was?

Thanks Katisha, I've spoken to her and she has agreed to help.

whethergirl, ive been concerned so i checked out your thread again.

its easy to say violent once, never again. im sure any woman who have been abused says this until it happens to them. i am generally a very strong independant woman who has never put up with nonsense in the past. it can happen to anyone. if you think the manipulation is bad now it gets a million times worse, at the end i seriously thought i was going mad. also the closer your son gets to him the harder it is to leave.

i suppose i was going through a vunerable time in my life when i met him his adoration completely won me over. plus he is amazingly gorgeous and i couldnt believe my luck! the most sexy, funny, charming and generous man id ever met, i think abusive men generally are though!

how are you feeling today? has anything else happened? yes, a top priotity if you are determined to leave him is to get rid of his stuff asap otherwise he will drag it out forever. when i left he kept in constant touch by post, love letters, cards etc but i ignored it all. it was only because of his total commitment to AA that i gave him another chance and it is still a top priority in his life and hopefully always will be, its not just about the physical act of drinking its about changing how the mind works and reacts.

i really do think im a lucky one, not all abusers will change their entire lives around like this so i like everyone else want you to leave him. if i knew when i met him all what was going to happen i would have run like crazy.