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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 11/01/2011 22:58

The rescuer always looses WG.

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 22:59

Is that better AF? [grins]

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 11/01/2011 22:59

bugger Grin
I hate it when I mess the faces up. It kind of ruins the moment.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 23:02

yes, that is much better

did you see a poster called BibiBlocksberg's thread ?

she had a much longer relationship, but there are parallels

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 23:03

sorry, missed a Grin off my 1st sentence

I am not that bossy, honest

LittleMissHissyFit · 11/01/2011 23:21

hijackette - AF I've used that Loser text to help someone see that she had to run for the hills, but I only skim-read it.

I just read all of it.

OK, so you know, EVERYFucker knows, but now I know.

This text described 'H' to a T

3 out of 20 points where he DIDN'T get the red flag.

JustForThisOne · 11/01/2011 23:21

still diddling about WG?
burn that list and feed him the classic "it is not you it is me"

and.... 50??????

there is no hope
but no doubt he will carry on this way till the end of the time

bathbuns · 12/01/2011 13:37

ooh whethergirl, even more comparisons. The guy I was seeing also kept saying how AMAZING the sex was when it was entirely average.

I have also had it with victims.

AND I have great tits.

The similarities are uncanny Wink

Littlefish · 12/01/2011 13:37

Whethergirl - how much stuff has be got? I would pack it up and send it off to him. No need for you to speak to him again. Phone a courier and ask how much it would cost. A small financial outlay might be worth if for the lack of hassle!

It will also make it absolutely clear to him that you mean what you have said. Smile

Original poster
whethergirl · 12/01/2011 14:24

Grin bathbuns, well they are obviously very much a "type"! They are probably on another thread somewhere entitled "Why did my girlfriend dump me when we had a perfect relationship?"

Littlefish - a lot of stuff. Guitar, an amp, scooter (belonging to his ds!), Cds, dvds, clothes, shoes, etc.! Did think about a courier. I will probably wait for my friend to come and visit (who lives very near him) and ask her to take it all to her house in her car.

As expected, he did apologise this morning for the abusive texts yesterday (and facebook status!) and has agreed to not having any contact at all for a while.

OP posts:
redcats · 12/01/2011 21:02

try parcel monkey - it really isnt that expensive, even if you were shipping a full pallet load of stuff. it would also give a very clear message to him

Original poster
whethergirl · 12/01/2011 21:42

Thanks redcats...although I think it might hurt/anger/provoke him even further. I would like to end on good terms and using a courier seems kind of cruel somehow.

He did text again after agreeing not to text but nothing nasty, quite nice actually but obviously upset/hurting. I didn't text back.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 13/01/2011 14:16

WG, this guy, as fast as he heats up, and as strongly, will cool as fast and as hard.

You've already seen the slamming the phone down on you, what else are you going to wait for, your own personal comment along the lines of saggy tits/crap in bed? Or WORSE?

DON'T allow him that latitude.

FGS never allow him contact with your DS again. He is a nasty manipulative controlling man and will use your DS to manipulate you or to hurt you. Again, don't allow him that latitude.
He actually could be dangerous.

Pack up his stuff and ship it to him, don't let this male into your house again.

You are ending this, you have to. He may hurt YOU if you are not careful, please don't let him.

kt14 · 13/01/2011 14:31

Sorry, brief hijack - Bathbuns - just nearly wet myself laughing at the thought of the dying Dr Who re enactment complete with soundtrack. WTF? Shock

And whether, have read the thread, you are doing absolutely the right thing in cutting contact. Be cruel to be kind. Shame we can't have these men branded somehow so other women know to steer clear..

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2011 14:49

Alternatively you could write to him setting out the rates you charge for a month's storage Grin

Original poster
whethergirl · 13/01/2011 21:10

I'm surprised at how many women think he could go into loopy danger mode, I can't imagine it somehow. Having said that, he does have a spare set of my house keys and I do feel slightly uncomfortable about that, so will try and get his stuff to him quickly and quietly so I can get my keys back. He only has my keys and a copy of "I can make you happy" by Paul Mckenna but it doesn't seem appropriate to ask for that back right now! Hissyfit, do you really think he is "nasty"? Seems quite harsh.

Had few more texts but no more nasties, asking if there's hope of reconcile etc. I feel a bit heartless not responding, but there's no point and this is him texting after I've asked for no contact, so don't want to encourage any. We're still friends on facebook and he was very upset I changed to "single" so quickly, I feel I should de-friend him but also just haven't had the heart to, also feel it will provoke him.

KT14 - Wouldn't it be great if all men were branded? Walking around with the likes of "Cheat" "Clingy" "Snores" on their foreheads!

Grin @ Annie

OP posts:
Katisha · 13/01/2011 21:47

I wouldn't rule it out WG...
He is showing signs of being a bit narcissistic ( I know we are accused of seeing that everywhere on MN, but I do see signs of it...)

The declarations of you being his soul mate etc, all that drama in the actual relationship, the fact that he tried to annexe your son,the demolition of the exes, the general steamrollering...And now the constant texting and so forth, despite the grand gestures of a few days ago, the hopes of reconciliation, the leaving of his stuff with you, the fact that you are worried about "provoking" him are all signs that this is not really going to be straightforward.

I do think you are right not to engage. I think if you give him an inch he will be back in the house like a shot.

bathbuns · 13/01/2011 21:57

kt14 Grin

He even got a bit wrong and died too soon so he had to come back to life and 'die' all over again. Afterwards I had to watch the scene on his computer and rate how his performance compared. He then played me his other favourite scene. It was only a few minutes long but he started crying he found it so sad. I went home not long after, not surprisingly.

To briefly explain (if you can explain such a thing) he had just finished his Phd and the last year of his studies he had done nothing but work and watch Dr Who. He felt very... connected to it as a result. He was the doctor, in his mind.

(sorry to hijack Whether)

njhc · 13/01/2011 23:04

you must leave this man, it sounds exacly the same as what happened to me. after a very intense start and after he met my son and moved in (far far too quickly..all pushed by him) my dp became very violent. it was awful for 3 years and i left him for a year.
thankfully during that year he saught help for drinking (i saw you briefly mentioned he had a slight alcohol prob). believe me there is no slight alcohol prob, he has the characteristics of an alcoholic. my dp has now been through the 12 steps and is a very different man although he still has needy issues. i dont think this will ever completely disapear but i do love him very much and he has achieved so much in the 18 months he's been sober. hopefully my story will have a happy ending but i am very scared you are travelling the same road.x

PineCones · 13/01/2011 23:52

please take a step back at least.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 09:32

Oh gawd, sorry to drag it on but got another text and don't know what to do (bad night sleep, bad pmt not helping).

He says he really needs to talk to me (tonight) to get some closure and find out where he went wrong, as he needs to address these problems for the future. His self confidence is shattered and thinks all sorts of things are wrong with him, so needs to know if it's true. He says he is no longer angry or thinks we can be together, he just wants to "get better and smile again".

I'm thinking that this could be the last thing I do to give him closure, if he doesn't get it then he may drag this out. I admit I do really feel for him and don't feel great about upsetting him so much which is another reason I'm considering it. And also just to genuinley help him. But not exactly a conversation that I'm going to look forward to Sad .

OP posts:
kallima · 14/01/2011 09:36

I really wouldn't go. He will only start trying to persuade you to change your mind.

It's over. He needs to learn that when someone says this to him, that's really it.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 09:39

I welcome all the Dr Who hijacks, they're great. Bathbuns, the "explanation" only makes it worse!

njhc, I appreciate your insight considering what you've been through. I hope you don't have to go through too much more with your dp. Personally I think violent once, and never ever again. What do you love about him, as you've not seen him without issues, do you really know him? But yes, the drinking thing niggled me...I thought the same, if you have alcoholic tendancies then it's only a matter of time til the next episode.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/01/2011 09:40

It is ok to text him the broken record, moving the sentences around, repeating the text you sent origionally when he demanded an answer from you that very day, I think it was along the lines of you don't love him and wish him well??? Don't text anything else, just the very same lines moved about. Don't feel bad, he will get through this. I would also change your locks and write off the book, when have you organised to see your friend who lives near him?

MummieHunnie · 14/01/2011 09:42

he really needs to talk to me (tonight) to get some closure and find out where he went wrong, as he needs to address these problems for the future. His self confidence is shattered and thinks all sorts of things are wrong with him, so needs to know if it's true. He says he is no longer angry or thinks we can be together, he just wants to "get better and smile again".

Therapists are great for helping people work through things like that! Also I love the way it has to be on his terms again, the day and time he states!! lol