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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 14/01/2011 09:47

Oh for gods sake. His emotional health and well being is not your problem any more. Why do you want it to be?

This really isn't healthy. If you care enough to want to 'give him closure' then the kindest thing you can do is stick to your guns and say that you don't want to meet him and talk about him on the day and time that he's dictated. You simply don't want to continue the relationship and he should respect that as your choice.

It's still all on his terms. Him him him. "Meet me when I tell you to and let's talk about me for as long as I want to".

Don't engage with this manipulative bullshit.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 09:51

Indeed MummieHunnie. I don't mean to get all poncy psychoanalysis, but yes, to use me as his therapist would AGAIN put me in the "rescuer" status, while he remains in his all time favorite victim position.

Another thing, my mum's coming over today and really not looking forward to telling her. The only thing that is important in her life is ds's happiness. She is blinded by it. So I am expecting the response "Oh but what about ds? He'll be so upset? Why did you put ds in this situation" etc.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/01/2011 09:57

Don't tell her then, find something else to talk about.

Have you sent him the broken record text, changed your locks and spoken to your friend that lives near him?

StuffingGoldBrass · 14/01/2011 10:00

Tell him to fuck off and if he contacts you again you will call the police.
YOu owe this tosser nothing. Your parents obviusly taught you that you come second to everyone else in the world and should never consider your own wellbeing: well that's a crock of shit. This man is dumped and deservedly so, and he would have been a terrible influence on your DS anyway. Tell your mother that: you dumped the man because he was lazy, selfish and dishonest and you were not prepared to have your DS be upset or worried by him.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 10:02

I really don't want his emotional health to be my problem madonnawhore, but I guess I feel some compassion for him, he is, after all, another human being, struggling with his emotions at the moment. I know it's not my responsibility and I'm not, in my heart, taking it on as such. I've decided I'm definitley NOT going to have a phone conversation with him, at most, I am going to write him a quick email.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 14/01/2011 10:07

Sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh OP. I'm very frustrated at him, not you. This is hitting a nerve because my twat of an ex is pulling similar shit at the moment with me and it's really getting on my tits.

Am following my own advice though and choosing to ignore ignore ignore.

If your mum gets awkward the tell her that you had concerns about his drinking and didn't want that around your son. You can't be responsible for his failings. There's no way she could reasonably suggest you should stay with a man who has a drinking problem, or that somehow it was your fault that he was like that.

MummieHunnie · 14/01/2011 10:11

How long is the email going to take of your time? How long will the upset affect you? could you spend your time and energy doing something for someone that matters like bake a cake for your Mum, do something for your or ds instead, why waste time on this person who was in your life for a short period of time and you have no long term connection with? You must really love the drama of it all?

madonnawhore · 14/01/2011 10:14

Yeah you were only together for 10 months. Not even a year! He's going over the top now, you need to nip this in the bud.

StuffingGoldBrass · 14/01/2011 10:30

Look, apart from one message about how and when to collect his crap from your house, every contact attempt from him should be met with 'Fuck off, you are dumped.' There is nothing to be gained by allowing him to talk to you or whine at you or promise to change. He's a loser and you have dumped him, and you were right to do so. He's not your problem any more.

slug · 14/01/2011 10:36

Since he's making the effort to come out to yours, I suggest you package up his items, leave them on the front porch, deadlock and chain the door, turn off your phone and turn up the music.

Katisha · 14/01/2011 10:36

" to use me as his therapist would AGAIN put me in the "rescuer" status, while he remains in his all time favorite victim position."

Exactly right WG.

I think an email is fine - you could even say that, and suggest he finds a proper therapist if he is serious about examining himself.

But certainly don't engage any further. And he he pulls any dramatic stunts like sudden "crises" that only you can solve, don't engage. And if it escalates to suicide threats say you will call the police, and do so if necessary. (I have seen this happen, btw and the calm assurance that you will call the police stops the posturing...And if on the remote chance it's not posturing - well, then the police need calling!)

Out of interest why is he not picking up his stuff - has he given any reason?

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 10:42

No, I need harsh talk MummieHunnie, I need to learn from this and make sure I'm not in this position again. I don't enjoy the drama at all, I think I have problems with feeling responsible for other people, that I need to work on.

SBG don't think so re the parent comment, BUT as a child, always came 2nd best to my sis with re to my mum, and my dad, as mentioned before, is the ULTIMATE CHAMPION VICTIM, it makes me sick to hear still go on now, but he brought me up and that's all I heard for years during my childhood. TBH, it's got to a point where I am going to have to tell my dad a few home truths too, this seems to be a real point in my life where I have the understanding to stop this pattern.

Will send him broken record text, have spoken to friend but haven't "changed my locks yet" (can I have a coffee first!) He is giving back my keys anyway.

And 10 months...thanks for reminding me and putting it into perspective, as far as he was concerned we were together forever. I've tried to tell him before, I haven't even known you a year, but he thinks we've been together many lifetimes!

And yes, easy way to deal with my mum is to use it back on her, how ex would have been no good for him.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/01/2011 10:47

I took too long to deal with changing the locks, he can have a copy of your key made and come any time of the day or night, it is not worth the risk. When is your friend who lives near coming for his stuff? Enjoy your coffee.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 10:48

Katisha, had no threats as such but he has posted up a poem he came across, on his facebook wall about someone else who got dumped and felt suicidal!

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 14/01/2011 10:48

Why are you on facebook as a friend?

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 10:50

No he hasn't given any reason about waiting to pick his stuff up next month.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 10:51

MummieHunnie....I need to de-friend him, I know, I know, I know...no bollocks, I'll do it now.

OP posts:
Zanywany · 14/01/2011 10:53

Don't feel responsible for his feelings WG, you wouldn't be in this position if he hadn't done so many things to make your gut instinct want to run a mile. I am in a simular position in that my XP keeps contacting me because he just 'can't live without me in my life' and up until now I have fallen for it but it has just drawn out 'feeling crap & upset' about thw whole situation months longer than it should do and that makes it harder to move on.

Katisha · 14/01/2011 10:58

Yes get off FB as then he knows you can't see stupid poems etc designed to guilt-trip you.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 11:26

Ok, well he's just text to say sorry for being a waste of mine and ds's precious time etc and he will now leave me be to enjoy life once again.

So that sounds pretty final to me.

Except that he just followed it up with a phone call to say good luck and good bye (complete with snotty nose wavering voice).

So that's got to be the final one now, anything more is going to have to be fuck off.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 14/01/2011 11:27

YOu seem a glutton for punishment. Delete him from facebook and do not engage with this man any further.

MummieHunnie · 14/01/2011 11:28

Did you text him and defriend him before he sent his text and phoned you?

I doubt that is it...

Katisha · 14/01/2011 11:28

Did you speak to him? What did you say?
He is really indulging in the self-flagellation isn't he!
What about Picking Up The Stuff?

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 11:43

Yes, sent him the final text, told him I was defriending and then he replied with text and phonecall. I really can't believe anyone would have such little pride to keep on going after this. I mean I've felt heartbroken before but luckiliy I'm too proud to be seen begging for anyone!

Katisha, I hardly had a chance to say anything! It was "Last phonecall...sniff...it's all clear now...(big cough to "cover" crying)...I just want to say good luck...take care..sniff..have a great weekend....BYE" and put phone down. I think I managed to say "You too".

But yes obviously we still need to be in contact re the "stuff". I will get it to my friends house and send a text for him to pick it up from there.

He is really indulging in the self-flagellation isn't he! It has always been so off putting. He was always so self deprecating and felt it put me in a position where I was supposed to make him feel better "No no, you're not an idiot, you're lovely" etc

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 14/01/2011 11:45

BUt you are replying!!! SO don't talk about pride here. You are walking right into his hands by playign this silly litle game.