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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to decide today

290 replies

whethergirl · 10/01/2011 10:47

Been with dp for 10 months, it all got very serious very quickly. He's just phoned me saying he's aware something is wrong, he's confused, and that i've got to make my mind up today, whether I want him or not. He said he was embarassed all wkd (and for the last couple of months). I was acting like I didn't want him touching me and that I acted like he was an irritation.

I just don't know if I'm giving up a relationship on a really lovely guy, whether this is my issue. He is trustworthy, devoted, would do anything for me and him and my ds think the world of each other. Don't think anyone else could treat me better.

But I'm just not feeling the love. I don't think I fancy him or am in love with him. And he is soooo into me that I find it quite off putting, it's a bit much.

He says it's since an incident a few months ago when we fell out (the only time). I feel this was never properly resolved. I did have creeping doubts before hand but always got carried away with his grand gestures of love for me.

He told me that the way this relationship is going, me going off him and not being able to put my finger on what, is an exact repeat pattern of his two previous serious relationships.

If I think that we are splitting up today, I feel more upset about my ds who has taken him on as a father figure (he doesn't see his own dad). I realise this is not a good reason to stay together but I do feel awful about it, my ds's happiness is everything to me. Also have introduced him to my family (doesn't happen easily in my family) and they all love him and have accepted him as part of the family. Also I was on my own for 6 years before I met him, and was desperately lonely.

I just feel terrible as he is so in love with me. A bit too much, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:13

Ok, I'm starting to panic a bit because he's sent some really abusive and loopy messages (a couple of hours after texting me to say he's ok now, and would like one day to be friends).

Please can I have your advice on how to handle him? I don't want to provoke him because I think he is loosing the plot. He may carry on the abuse, or he may apologise tomorrow morning. Either way, how do I respond, I want to be firm and tell him he can not carry on like this, but what if something I say just makes him go a bit mental? Sorry, I know you're all getting a bit fed up of this but I really am getting scared now and feeling upset that ds's safety may be at risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:15

Get one of my male cousins to ring him up and tell me to leave me alone maybe??

OP posts:
kallima · 14/01/2011 23:23

Is he being threatening?

kallima · 14/01/2011 23:24

Is he being threatening?

BelleDeJure · 14/01/2011 23:28

Phone your mobile phone provider and ask them to block his number firstly. Do not reply tonight and get number blocked first thing tomorrow morning. What provide do you use and what phone do you have? If you google how do I block someone's number with your provider and/or phone there are plenty of links on google giving advice on how to do this so you might be able to do it tonight.

No getting male cousins involved - v bad idea. Increases drama/his victim status/persecution fantasies.

I once had a brief fling with someone like this and you just have not to engage. You are going to have to toughen up and ignore ignore ignore.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:36

No he hasn't actually threatned me. But making strange accusations and calling me names and being very very overdramatic.

OP posts:
njhc · 14/01/2011 23:39

yes this is not going to just stop anytime soon.
if you have a samsung phone you can block numbers calls and texts in the phones settings.
call the police, just so it is down on their records, you will need a crime ref number to get an injunction if you need one.
can i ask a personal question? is he a sexual bully...this is another very common trait with domestic abuse.
what stuff do you have that is so important he gets back? can you not just chuck it out?
i know you care for him, you cant just stop instantly but you have got to be tough, please think of your son

MegBusset · 14/01/2011 23:42

You just have to ignore - ignore - ignore

It is all for a reaction and as long as he keeps getting one, you will keep getting messages from him

Ignore completely and he will get bored and go away

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:42

I'm with Orange so can look that up now. What happens when he tries to call then, does he just get a message I'm not available? Also, thought of blocking him from emails. But tbh, I feel that if he doesn't have any communication access to me, then he might come up and see me at my house? Also, I can ignore him and not reply to emails, (even tho very distressing to read), but in a way I can keep an eye on him, and know what frame of mind he is in. It feels safer that way, if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 14/01/2011 23:46

please stop engaging with him. please just switch the phone off and tomorrow change the locks.

You don't know it yet, but this guy is dangerous, is weak and will be abusive if you let him.

I understand you care for him, but these feelings will bite you on the arse, so sorry, but you have to cut off your feelings and protect yourself.

I told you, he is nasty, this is going to get worse if you let it.

take control, or you will end up sorry.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:48

Sorry njhc, cross posted. I'm sorry, it IS easy for me to say, and hope you didn't feel I was belittling your situation in any way. Thanks for sharing it and informing me from 1st hand experience. No, he wasn't a sexual bully at all, nor in any other way. He was over the top nice all the time, but I always thought there were demons underneath just bubbling underneath. I can't chuck out his stuff - one of them is a £2k guitar. I'm beginning to care less for him now because he is making me worry for my son's saftey, and that's unforgivable.

OP posts:
CharlesCheese · 14/01/2011 23:50

This is all sooo familiar to me, from beginning to end, I went through this a long time ago with a guy who was exactly the same

He senses he is losing control so is throwing everything in the armoury at you - guilt/pity/anger/fear - it is all to manipulate you into responding

The ONLY WAY it will stop is if you stop engaging completely, that means get him blocked and do not respond AT ALL - no explanations, no last goodbyes, no feeling sorry for him.

And FGS get the locks changed.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:53

LittleMissHissyFit, I now know what you mean by dangerous. Even though you wouldn't think he could hurt a fly, it's just the way his mood changes so dramatically, from friendly and calm to nasty and abusive. I really am not caring about him at all right now, I just want to feel safe and protect my ds.

OP posts:
CharlesCheese · 14/01/2011 23:55

You wouldn't think my ex would hurt a fly either. But he had a conviction for assaulting his previous GF when they broke up.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:57

Damn right I will be getting my locks changed tomorrow, as well as sending all his stuff over with a man and his van. CharlesCheese, can't believe all these behaviours can be so text book but hearing more and more about similiar experiences.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 14/01/2011 23:58

the faster they heat up, the faster they cool, it's Red Flag numero uno.

Err on the side of caution.

look after yourself please love? We none of us want you becoming a statistic.

I am pissed, it's true, the effort to type this is immense, but I don't want you to be unaware of the danger this man could represent.

If I'm wrong, so be it, but at least you and your son will be safe.

Original poster
whethergirl · 14/01/2011 23:59

Shock @ CharlesCheese. People like this are the worst, at least you know where you stand with obvious aggressive types, but it's the manipulators that can really do most harm.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 15/01/2011 00:03

Thanks LittleMissHissyFit, I really appreciate it. Never thought this kind of thing would happen to me, what a mess. But I guess most women don't expect it. Thanks so much for your support and making me realise this is worse than I thought.

OP posts:
CharlesCheese · 15/01/2011 00:10

Main thing to remember is that it's not your fault. You are a nice person and tried to take him on face value. He's messed up in the head and you absolutely cannot get involved with trying to fix him.

Katisha · 15/01/2011 00:11

ANyone you could get to come and stay with you tonight?
OR could you go to your mothers?

Original poster
whethergirl · 15/01/2011 00:23

Thanks CharlesCheese.

Katisha, I have chain locked the front door and my friends live just opposite me. I reckon ex p is rat arsed and is probably lying in a sorry heap on his bed in his home - which is thankfully far from here.

OP posts:
Zanywany · 15/01/2011 00:55

Also leave your key in the door but sideways so he can't get in if he tried. Don't mean to scare you but again it helps to be extra causious. A very silular thing happened to me this time last year and I did get the police invloved in the end as he literally camped outside my door for several nights. I my experience the police were amazing and were enough to scare him off - worth thinking about. Hope your OK

MummieHunnie · 15/01/2011 04:30

WG I though you were going to change the locks after your coffee yesterday!!!! You were looking into a courier service yesterday did you actually book anything?

NO no no to involving your cousin, as someone said drama inducing, and makes him the victim in the drama triangel.

Short term you need to avoid picking up your house phone if you don't have caller ID. Only pick up your mobile if you know who it is and it is not your ex. Don't even look at your emails right now. I would not block anything actually, you can use it as evidence if needed for harrassment.

GET THE LOCKS CHANGED FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

Ignore him now as you can't seem to stick to the "I don't love you, I wish you well" and you wind him up instead, keep adding bits and playing games with the man and making things more dramatic.

Go and see the bloke across the road for NLP or whatever it is that you want as you don't want to go too deep and deal with the real problems that counselling sorts out.

I think I will leave this thread for a bit as I really can't believe you didn't change the locks when you said you were going to on top of everything else you put yourself and your son in danger.

CheckeredFlag · 15/01/2011 08:13

Jeez, MummieHunnie, can you see the irony of your saying the op is 'making things more dramatic' - chill out woman!

Good luck Whethergirl, have just read your thread and you've made good decisions for you and your son. Stay strong!

MummieHunnie · 15/01/2011 08:37

Smile got out of bed the wrong side

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