Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.1

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Totally get what u mean re pheromones Kate.have this slow burner bloke that I sometimes see during the week .I need to find out if he is single though.but he does chat to me when I see him but don't like flirting if Im not sure.but last week I had such a smile on my face dispite my DOOM just for the eye candy thing .anyway he wasn't there ,maybe this week LOL it is very slow and not terribly burny but all good practice .

Happy o hope UR plan te his belongings is a can of petrol and a match
Ps 3 lawyers is just showing off

School again MUCH RESPECT !
Do u have to share a weekend ?

Patience I am def giving off a vibe like you!

Very old friend who is a married man has been texting and msning me all the time since he found out we'd split (he's mates with ex BTW)declaring that he's always fancied me!

It's just confirming to me that 99% of men are scumbags. I know one who is not, but he's taken so I won't go there.

I hope to find the remaining 1% of decent men and choose which one I want to be with :)

CV when I read the coda checklist now I am much mote independent in my thoughts now and I would hope these new patterns are strong.
The bit that rings true for me is when it talks about knowing what's best for somebody although they want to do it differently.Ultimately I saw my X drinking more changing his friends to wrong uns and behaving inappropriately .so I tried to change that.but his free will means he can drink ,disrespect himself and his family and that is his choice.he will pay monthly ,see dcs for 8 hrs once a week and that is what he wants.
Would have been a damn sight easier if he had just requested this 18mths ago.
I think I will recognise the pattern now re UNacceptable behaviour but I think my problem will be 6 mths in if nbf is a knob I will tell him and be aware that free will means he can keep doin it but I know where the door is.I hope I have the guts to walk out early if he is twat.thanks for the book recommendations.can u post any good ones on the dumpling book club page please.I know UR v busy I just mean sometime in 2011 x

Kate my problem is I don't know when someone is looking at me.then I think if they are an eligible bloke they will be looking,just like we r looking.plus they are a bloke so they are looking anyway.I think my plan with slow burner is to manage to tell him I am single and c what happens .

I also think a bit of male attention will help me detatch from my X so I don't wail for my husband anymore.just flirting mind ,I think a sex is another 4 ths away x

Hi everyone

lucky girl Kate getting a bit of attention I think its nice for our bruised egos even if we arent interested. I have to say you really sound amazingly sorted and strong and the advice you are giving everyone is wonderful

patience lovely to hear you back on form. Its funny isnt it how we "know" each other and our writing style and I have felt your pain last week so fingers crossed you are back on track. I see you are sticking to your spring 2011 schedule !

I have kind of lost track of everyone these past couple of days so sorry if I dont comment much.

Saying that I read cloudeds request for what amicable looks like with some interest as its uppermost in my mind atm. For me its all in the tone of voice or the written word and I am trying to be soft and pleasant atm. He wants the dc for half term so I used that as an excuse to text and say I do appreciate his financial offer and that I am sorry he feels the way he does. I also said that it was inevitable that there would be misunderstandings and frustration when we havent spoken face to face really for a year and so much has happened. Previously I would have felt the need to reply to his email sticking up for myself point by point. Being able to be like this has only come with detachment though as before as you say clouded I felt being nice etc would make him think "oh shes ok now so I havent done anything wrong" and I didnt want him thinking that. Anyway I signed off a brief email with my name today so thats a step forward, it will be interesting so see how he responds.

I have looked at a house and its no good and I am just feeling anxious today that there is nothing to view and hasnt been these 3 months past. Agents are saying dont worry things will start coming on now xmas is over, well I hope so. The dc are so desperate that we stay in this exact area but its so restricting to find anywhere. Still on the plus side this is all practical anxiety not heartache anxiety and I know which I prefer .

Woke up at 4am worrying which doesnt help and you do sometimes wonder when life will ever just be normal , you know you hop out of bed and stretch and dont have all this crap on your mind. If people could see the kinds of things us ladies go through I think marriage would die a quick death !!!

Anyway I hope everyone else is doing ok..?

Ex has been emailing giving me a sob sorry about how skint he is.

I reiterated that our children are not going to suffer because of choices he's made.

Asked him to provide £240 per month till the house sells. So glad I finally opened my eyes and realised that the reason I wasn't asking for any help financially from him was to protect and save him from any stress - Like I did for 13 years...Once I knew that it became so much easier to do, it's business pure and simple once you take the emotion out of it.

He's complaining, saying he won't have anything to live on. I'm not engaging with back and forth discussions. I would love to write "ask the OW to stick her hand in her pocket and help you out then!" or "What a shame you won't be taking her on as many romantic meals!" or "Maybe you won't be such a catch when your skint, with a couple of kids hanging off you every other weekend then!" "Why don't you give her a pay rise? You gave her the job simply because you wanted some new P*ssy!"

But of course, 'serenity' and now 'business like' are my middle names. So just told him he needs to confirm by Thursday that he will pay on his next payday. Or I will be onto the CSA on Friday.

Can't believe I didn't do it sooner, because I didn't want to cause him any extra anguish. HELLO KATE! WAKE UP! He never thought about what anguish he put you and the girls through for one nanosecond.

Good for you Kate. My ex H is always saying how he has no money etc but then has enough to do certain things and go places. I even distinctly remember him when we first separated keeping back alot of money from his final redundancy pay cheques and I know for a fact it went on him and OW doing nice things. Whilst I struggled.

That's it Tea in effect he's in a double income relationship. I did all the finances when we were together so I know the situation inside out.

I had to put the deposit and month in advance and furnish our new house...as well as Xmas on my Visa card!

Does he really think I would have moved out if he had told me about the OW? No, I would have kicked his sorry arse out...and he could have rented somewhere or moved in with her!

He's a joke - he must have been lying in my bed with her and thinking to himself "Blimey, that was easy, Kates such a reasonable person to not want to rock the boat, to take the girls, move out and to pay for everything...and she doesn't even know about my new lovely lady!"

I know they have been going out and doing stuff, because the bloke who has been hitting on and texting me is the person that ex tells me he spending most of his time with *rolls eyes

It's the arrogance of the man - to think that he needs to lie about it because he thinks I'm sitting here sniffing his pillow and crying about him every day.

Mine lied and lied Kate I wish I could just tag him for a week to find out exactly what he is doin ,but only because I want to rid myself from the last scraps of emotion I feel for him.I think his life is lonely and skint embarrassing and cringe worthy ,he is a middle aged bloke hanging out with the kids man LOL x

How about hanging out with UR own kids ya eejit !

Well done Kate. You would think after what you describe ie you moving out etc that he would have the decency to pay what you are asking with good grace. Will you carry out the CSA thing ? I presume you have done the calculations and that amount is around what he should pay in any Case ? I remember being given a speech barely a month after he left about how we would all need to cut our cloth. In fairness though he is reasonable about money because he has it but I think you were all right theres a string pulling ow in the mix who perhaps wasnt treated well financially in her divorce so he feels very saintly by comparison (dont worry happy wont pinch BEs new name ).

Tea thats awful yet you are so forgiving which is the best way of course as bitterness changes nothing. Where are you at now after your actual divorce etc post workshop course etc ? You sound grounded and happy. Btw havent read your thread but be careful about leaving the kids in the car I think it might be illegal .. ?

Just had my bf telling me she has had her coudin with 2 small dc staying turns out she has been covering up DV for years H in court tomorrow. Apparently after a row last summer he burnt her entire wardrobe . Another bastard. I was able from MN exprience tell bf to tell her to contact Womens Aid.

Oh my Getting you poor friend.

I'm OK, ask me again if H moves in with the OW next Summer, bet I won't be ok then

*your

As in this coming summer ? Anyway I think if that happens you will be so much further into your new life you will process it very quickly after the inevitable feeling a bit odd. From what you have mentioned though it doesnt sound definite does it , I think when she leaves the relative shelter of university she will begin to see life rather differently and they already sound in trouble if there are rifts over such a fundamental issue as his dc.

I think the way they can lie and lie is absolutely incredible. it is the bit I find hardest to understand actually, from someone who always appeared to have such high moral standards. It is funny but I think H has that "gosh that was easy!" concept too in his head, as I have been so reasonable etc etc but I do feel that revenge is a dish best served cold ... surely the pendulum of fairness will swing my way eventually. Yes,I do have to share weekends. I really really loathed it last autumn and winter but am more used to it now and just start planning my weekends away. I was just very keen not to be pushed out of my house every other week, to go god knows where, just because OW's house is inaccessible to dd. Also,I felt why should I do all the weekdays and not have any weekend fun with the girls. My oldest dd has saturday school too so I did not want the weekends falling so her saturdays off were just his weekends. anyway we are plodding on. One of the most maddening things ... he took the dog! the damn dog I have spent six years looking after virtually full time as, oh yes, all this time he has worked in London (four hours away) ... I do feel mug must be written on my forehead.

getting yes, I will do the CSA thing, I'm not getting into a discussion with him about it. I have said that £240 is a reasonable amount, (CSA say £290)and I told him that I would get it backdated to the date I moved out in Oct (I don't actually know if thats true of not)

But, yeah I will do it - I'm fed up with him thinking I am a doormat who will lie down and be ever so nice and not rock the boat. I wasn't a doormat when we met. But obviously in his re writing of history...he has mis cast me as someone who will let him do what he wants, believe his lies and wish him well...while he dumps me and his children after 13 years and sails into the sunset with the OW simply because

"he has to be selfish"
"he wants life to be like it was before we had children"
"he's met his soulmate"
"She is the most important person in his life now, yes, even above the girls"

These types of statements will be at the forefront of my mind as I fill in the CSA form.

And yes, I don't think he will quite such a catch when he is skint and stressed about money and selling the house and has two girls hanging off him every other weekend because they miss him so much.

Kate just remember the kids are meant to stay at the same standard of living as b4 the split did UR SOL not tell u that .why Ru letting him off with fifty quid a month less that's £600 a yr that's a holiday.

School he took the dog? Karma my friend karma, he'll get his in the end...

Kate CSA all the way if he doesn't cough up Ahhhh I love the fact H will now just have to cough up without excuses. Well he can try but it won't work with them. Mwaaaa ha ha ha

OSA I totally get the weekend thing.I would rather spend 4 Saturdays with my kids than 2 weekends a month.I just couldn't co parent in the same building atm so much respect again.sorry about the dog ,very upsetting and unfair.can u get a pup in the spring for u and the girls or is that completely BONKERS.

Thinking of u startin
Let us know how it goes
I have lit a candle for u mate and sending positivity UR way x

Did the whole epiphany thing in church yesterday told our minister I was having my own epiphany atm.

Quick post as having a freaking personal crisis. It's all about me I'm afraid.

Just got the phone bill - £132 freaking pounds mostly spent on DC counselling support wtf, made me think

Looks like am going to be made redundant this week - shall we go for four lawyers? (even more respect?)

And thank you to the kind dumpling who texted me to make me laugh in the middle of this crisis. You may reveal yourself if you so desire!!

Newer dumplings on this thread where the f* are you located btw?

Off on business trip for a couple of days. What's the point of that if they're going to get rid of me? It will be the CSA for me too btw by the look of it. Go for it btw Kate.

Ah yes and HUGE MEGA LUCK TO YOU Starting, we are there shoulder to shoulder with you. Your XH should be very scared. Especially of Patience.

Patience He is paying off our credit card and car loans and debts - so I am giving him a bit of slack. But he is obssessed with money and he blames me for us the debt because I said I wanted to work PT so I could be there to drop the girls at school and be there at assemblies and trips while they were small. (youngest dc just turned 6)

It was always our plan - funnily enough, they keep asking me if I want to work FT at work but I just don't want to at the moment, but if we had still been together we might have been able to manage me doing FT together - and our debts would have been paid off very quickly.

LOL - in am email today - he asked me for a 'guarantee' that I wouldn't ask for more money at a later date. The fucking cheek of the man.

He said I "broke my word" when I said that £100 a month (though not an acceptable amount) would have to do.

doesn't want me to go back on my word??? Lol! After what he did to me and the girls in November when he was the perfect partner and dad who wanted us all back together....and all the while he was giving it to the bloody OW!!!

He had to do it in an email- if he'd said it on the phone, the whole of the town would have heard me laughing in his face!