Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.1

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Hi all.

Well, have now caught up on thread. And gobsmacked at the sheer twuntiness of some of these xhs.

Starting and Patience, sending you good vibes for the xh stuff you will have to put up with this weekend.

Patience, can you get someone else to be with you while xh comes to do the trampoline? I found having someone else there helped keep xh in order although when that person left I still ended up losing it with xh (quite successfully in that instance).

Starting, its ridiculous that xh should have access and so silly of the court to have said that. But maybe, even though the family therapist costs, the therapist is a route to getting to a sensible place with access longer term. I e. Stopping it completely or managing it safely. I feel for you with the norm situation, I think he will be back but is doing the male thing of keeping his distance when hes not sure what to do.

Getting, I'm a big camping advocate so will always appeal to me. My only challenge is how to interest DS who behaves like he is about 25 (he appears to be planning various post GCSE activities currently, with varying levels of appropriateness).

Goo and Kate, your Xhs simply do not know how to behave. Mind you, BE has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous in that regard. For many months, BE refused to tell the Dcs of Bumpkins existence. Ridiculous as he told the dcs we just weren't happy whilst living down the road and having her to stay for weekends. His hand was then forced when it looked as if he might be found out. At which point he told them, but of course leaving out a few key facts. I suppose my situation is somewhat weird now given that ds is now living with them in a house I have never seen with her kids. But hey ho given my ds situation its probably the best thing in this instance and hopefully is best for all.

Mumfun, how are things with H?

Have fun today ggm,just imagine we are all at the other tables in the cafe.LOL ok maybe not ........

Thinking about what googoo said about being ourselves ...

During our talks when xh was still here he said why couldnt I be like xyz woman we know ie relaxed and easygoing. I said to him well you treat her the way you have me for the last decade and see how relaxed and easy going she would be at the end of that. He cited a gradual erosion of feeling for wanting to leave and parked responsibility for that at my door ie I had become an unlikeable person. At no point did he seem to get the correlation between me becoming different with him and him going out every night,pleasing himself at weekends,day to day casual contempt and extreme drinking.

The worst of it is by the end my self esteem was so low that I took that responsibility for what he described me as instead of calling him on his part in it all. He took to saying and has done since that we brought out the worst in each other again absolving him of responsibilty for his nastiness.

Just needed to write that as a reminder at what a emotionally manipulative man he was and how if we arent careful a man ends up making us feel like we are the ones with problems rather than their behaviour/entitlement being the problem.

This is why you wont see Getting on Match yet awhile because I think I have a way to go on working on myself so I never buy into that again because I love someone !

Speech over !

Bit tired , why is it sleepovers these days the dc expect to be up until 2am and you're a killjoy if you dont allow it . In my day we didnt even have sleepovers ffs!!

Have a good day everyone

Doubt it will even happen tbh happy,prob now lying at his house or he has set it up there .

Morning everyone.
Sort of sad to read about all these feckless men but also inspiring, in a way. Just think, fellow dumplings, which position you would rather be in? Theirs or ours? I know we didn't ask for any of this but these men have lost so much more than we have. They have lost their children. And no matter what anyone says, if you do not live with your children on a day to day basis you have lost a hugely important part of being a parent. Our children will always see us as being the one they could rely on, their rock and the one who provided stability. I promise you that when they are older you will be repaid for this. I know I bang on about this all the time but it is so true in my experience. These men who abandoned their families will NEVER have that. It may not feel like it when you're exhausted because you've been up all night with a poorly child and you're broke because your ex spent all his money in the pub but WE are the lucky ones.

Having said all that, I too am royally pissed off with xp this weekend but still doing a great job in detaching from him. I have not seen or spoken to him for 2 weeks now and his reaction is totally predictable. I can feel his hostility even as his car approaches the house. He stood on the doorstep last night and said something very loudly which was clearly intended to wind me up but in reality meant that ds felt incredibly let down. How dare he use ds to manipulate me??? Well, he dares to do it because he is a thoroughly rotten person. End of. It just makes me look down on him even more.

Anyway, the stress of the last few months has meant that I have lost nearly 3 stone so I'm having chocolate croissants with my coffee this morning. Every cloud...[smile.

And Getting, I had that too, the "I don't like the person you've become" . Well that would be because you have been having an affair for 2.5 years and neglected your family and then lied and lied about it all. Gosh, I can't imagine why I'm so angry about it all and giving you a hard time, xp! Poor old xp for having to look at himself in the mirror and see the truth .

Boiler working ,brand new hot hot hot lovely jubbly !

This is symbolic of the upturn in my life!

Had a good bitch to the plumber about what a bastard X is .

LOL - my washing machine has arrived.

How are you expected to move it if you live on your own?!!!

I am now going to try to plumb the bloody thing in...If I can actually push it around the kitchen :)

Chin up for us independent ladies :)

Elsie I couldn't agree more.
My rage is subsiding ,I think this has been a transition since December,all the strange mixed up feelings ,when the rage leaves it made me look at my feelings for X .I still love him but I think his disrespect for me is helping me accept my life quietly now,before it just made me very angry,I wanted to say to him,how can u act like this it is completely out of order to UR wife and kids.now I realise this is who he actually is,this is what he actually wants,blew my head apart at the beginning cos that wasn't the guy I knew ,but month after month u accept it quietly.his secrecy is becausehe is terrified I have knowledge of his life,this is control for him,just really sad he doesn't know what he has done to his kids.

Patience, I felt good over New Year, new start and all that. But as January wears on you realise it's just same old, same old. I had to tell myself very sternly that there is no quick fix and if I don't give myself 1-2 years to get over this and allow myself to grieve then I'll be stuck here forever. 1-2 years is a long time in the life of a very impatient person like me. But it's the only way.

He made his choices. He has to live with the consequnces. What goes around comes around.

Fab Kate good luck are u coming camping ,r we doing this or what ,I think we should x

Yes I am naturally impatient re other peoples selfish behaviour.this has been the huge thing for me to learn ie how to cope with someone I love being selfish and detatching from me and the kids.I have to accept this is who he is and what his true feelings for me are,although he will never tell me.

To answer your questions xh's business went bankrupt, there's a difference . Judging by his attire & the latest iphone he was clutching in his hand I somehow have my doubts . He supposedly no longer has a car possibly ditched it for the courtcase as a state of the art lexus might have looked bad for a bankrupt person to be driving . Therefore I will be droping dc's to him. I'm lucky in one way in that really I can call the shots with this for now. Xh only ever brings the dc's to play centers etc so really once they are in public it'll make it easier to start off with anyway as it'll help eldest dd feel more secure. You're right on the solicitor front & was talking to a friend this morn who said solicitor wouldn't have said "kids are resilliant" if she was talking about her own dc's. However it's done now & I do feel xh does actually love dc's but is just seriously f*** in the head. Hopefully now that court case is settled he will begin to settle down.

Getting, I agree 100% with your post above. Most of these men are wimps & always try to put the blame on someone else for their own f*k ups. That way they can waltz off playing the part of innocent victim instead of d**head who ripped apart his marriage & family!

Getting & ET, the cheek of these men trying to blame you for not being pleasant about their affairs

ET, every cloud indeed, well done on being 3 stone lighter . Giving yourself the time to heal is v important & two yrs goes v quickly. When my xh first left, or I'll rephrase that to when I first discovered his twuntery & f**d his sorry arse out, dc's were only 8, 3 & 1 now they are 11, 6 & 4. It goes v quickly, I had 2 babies when he left they are all fairly self sufficient now

Getting, maybe I didn't explain the issue with Norm v well. We had a disagreement last Sat which he has failed to either address or resolve. Tbh my biggest concern now wouldn't even be the issue itself but how he's handled all this. Head buried in sand springs to mind . Think I need a man who is a bit more passionate & who doesn't run from issues.

Goo, hope your date goes really well

Kate, hope you manage to get washing machine sorted.

Patience, glad heat has been restored . I agree it is sad that they don't know what they have done to their dc's.

Starting, does the bankruptcy mean that xp pays you less maintenance? And surely anything he gained in the financial settlement has to go back to the insolvency court? He sounds a bit manic and irrational, the way you describe him. Shame about Norm.

Hello all. The weekend with H here is going fairly well.
Why does he have to be here and how often? Well, he left us in July having dropped the bombshell in May; moved straight in with OW over 3 hours drive away.
But dd2 is profoundly disabled and in an electric wheelchair (ie a huge wheelchair) which cannot get into OW's beautiful converted mill. How unfortunate.
So H comes here 2 weekends in 3 to see the two DDs. I E one weekend I am on my own, one weekend he is on his own here, one weekend we are here together, co-parenting.
At first it was a blinking nightmare as I could not bear him.
Now it is not so bad.
I guess I am detaching (as you speak of above). I also feel now that the worst of all this in the end will fall on DD2. DD1 who is nearly 15 will go away in three years time, no doubt. I will too find new things in my life. But DD2 will be forever stuck doing what she really does not want to do, ie spending alternate weekends here and then with her dad, when he and OW finally get a place which is accessible. That is the plan anyway. But OW has only met dd2 once and has SIMPLY NO IDEA of the care needs involved. Or the total, utter lack of freedom or any spontaneous action when you are looking after her. which of course was one of the causes of his leaving me, ie how organised and unspontaneous I was.
I am trying to think less and less of him and OW and what they are up to. Note, he also chucked in his job at the same time so is not working - she is supporting him.
I cannot think about the long term to be honest. But .... I have booked a holiday away on my own at Easter, and my energy is now going into planning that. Which I guess I would never have done if married.
But you are all right: they do not have any, any idea of what they are doing to their children.

Hats off to you Offschool. You deserve a holiday and I hope it is somewhere lovely. I'm guessing that you are not expecting ow to cope with your dd's needs terribly well. And she's going to sell her dream house to buy an adapted property for a child she has only met once ? At the very least, it will be a strain on their relationship.

I don't know how these men can live with themselves. But that's for them to deal with or not, as the case may be.

Just a hello and to say i feel your pain starting, been busy busy busy here, 4dc is non stop am shattered, havent told X yet that moving so far is just a possibility he supposed to be coming tomorrow but will see what he says first

will try and catch up tomorrow, TC everyone

Has everyone seen the lp holiday thread ,or are we wanting to try a break whose interested

Waves to sov x

Off school shocked at ur Xs unspontaneous criticism.

Kate how's the new washer.

Ggm Ru still drinking coffee .

The washer fitting was a scream!

I'm a massive Twitter user and I tweeted my progress...and everyone was supporting me...so funny, but so uplifting when you are on your own struggling...kids were playing up and I was trying to move the bloody thing...If you can be bothered..it was my pic of the day - link below

Still making me smile now...how people were egging me on...there were loads of "come on Kate...you can do it!" I really need stuff like that and MN...need those little conversations get me through the hard stuff.

www.blipfoto.com/view.php?id=927510&month=1&year=2011

Mega Kate, was thinking of ya !

Wow digital display ,UR a superstar Kate x

wow hats off to you Kate for installing that washing machine. don't think I'd have got past first base! Yes Elsie, the whole t hing is really likely, isn't it. The OW and family were in the paper a few years ago in an article featuring their lovely home and relocation to the back of beyond, so bet her kids are going to be chuffed at the idea of selling it to move into a?bungalow? just to fit a stroppy teenager in a wheelchair. Hmm. Oh well, tomorrow's another day ...

Ok ,no phonecall from X tonight ,always ominous.
Kids have packed lots of toys for his house and then there was talk earlier in the week about a trampoline,got a feeling its all going tits up but who knows,anyway gutted the house, washed everthing in sight,everything is groovy .

Ggm where Ru ?

Hellooooo everyone. Just caught up.
Getting - my exh said EXACTLY the same thing to me and my self confidence was so worn down that I acutally apologised to him for being a bad wife and mother. Obviously, I had to ring him to apologise because I was looking after the kids and he was....down the pub.
Kate - well done on the washer! You continue to inspire me with your get up and go positivity. :)
Starting - you're having a shit time and you're doing so well, being strong and remaining a warrior. You are ace.
Offschool - was very moved at your post about DD and OW and her fecking barn conversion. I'm constantly amazed not only by the men but the OWs in these posts - they really are something. You have my utmost respect. I'm knackered and I don't have a child with complex special needs. It puts my situation into perspective. You have put your DDs needs first and I understand why. I still think you're amazing sharing weekends with him sometimes. It's a bloody good job that we are all so big hearted, thinking of our kids, exercising self control, being the adult in all of these situations that have been created by our exes' immature, thoughtless and narcissistic behaviour. We are all amazing and I'm so proud to be a part of this thread.
WELL...met CDman for coffee and we chatted for 3 hours. He was lovely. Very gentle, good sense of humour but very importantly not an arrogant bone in his body. He was just really really nice. So we're going to meet again. Then I went to see The King's Speech with my mate and her mum. It was bloody great. Then drove the 40 minutes home and a really weird thing happened on the way back. I was thinking about how first date with exbf I'd fancied him rotten and felt really eager to please him, then not wanted to text him in case I was too keen. Then I thought about CDman and how although I don't think he's drop dead, I immediately felt I coudl completely be myself and after we parted I texted saying what a lovely way to spend an afternoon and he texted back saying I'll send you my rota so we can organise the next chinwag. And I suddenly really missed exbf in the car and then I thought "Hold on! You've met a lovely kind man and exbf was exciting and edgy but he TREATED YOU LIKE SHIT AND MADE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT AND YOU DESERVE SOMEONE TO RESPECT YOU!" And I really really meant it. I cried my eyes out in the car, thinking of how I always pick men who treat me like shit and am not interested at all in the blokes who look like they could be nice and kind. And I got really angry about how exbf took the piss out of me knowingly and I thought "no more". It was a great moment. For the first time I really honestly thought I'm bloody worth more than that. And CD man is the first bloke I've met in years who so obviously had no ego whatsoever. And for the first time ever I thought - you deserve someone like him. It was a good moment.
And Patience - I'm up for camping love. Show me the field! x