Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.1

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Evening all

Starting, good vibes again for tomorrow - can't believe you've got another day of it

Patience - grr on boiler

GooGoo - yep I am exhausted with the job too but it what keeps me afloat so that's that really isn't it?

Waves to all..........................

On a real rollercoaster this week. A bit pissed tonight as had wine and a quick meal with a friend. DS didn't want to go out last night or tonight, too busy skyping his mates no doubt

Failing to connect with mman at the moment, feels like everything I say is coming out wrong wtf. I am trying but maybe I doth try to hard

For whatever reason continuing to find life hard atm. Feeling very judged by a lot of smug married people which is a bit silly really I know

Hey Happy - sorry you're feeling a bit down. I have been a little bit less fabulous too - think it's the time of year as well. Sorry about mman - it might be because he's feeling down and not because you're saying the wrong thing.
I used to feel like I was being judged by lots of smug marrieds too - especially my best mate. She is now not my best mate, which was very hard but I don't get her negative vibes anymore, which makes life much easier. I don't care now what smug marrieds think about me. They'd soon get a bloody shock if they had to live my life for 24 hours! One of my married friends, whose husband does so much for her said that her DH had gone to work early the other day (both teachers) and she's been on her own with her 4yo and her toddler for 45 minutes. She said it was SO hard - now she knew how I felt. Yeah right. Try every day. For at lesat 18 years :)

Happy, ((Hugs)) have another glass of wine. Those poor smug married could never possibly know what we've been through, never mind all the extra things you've had to cope with. Hope things come right with MM.

Goo,

Mumfun, thanks for your support . I'm jealous of the 40 men, mind you one would do me

ET, sadly you are so right!

Ok, have to go to bed as am wrecked from it all. Will report back the happy news tomorrow. All please visualise Starting with a big victory smile tomorrow

I'm doing so as we speak Starting. We are all with you in spirit. Here's a bit of Geordie luck for you xxx:)

Anyone seen Riven's thread today?

The power of mumsnet, one desperate thread begun by Riven this morning and now she'll be headline news tomorrow: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1129157-have-asked-ss-to-take-dd-into-care/AllOnOnePage#site-wide_281 Amazing. Hope she gets the help she needs now.

This place and the support amazes me sometimes.

Starting your ex H is unbelievable, you have such strength and dignity to still manage to maintain your serenity and flick your hair. I'd have been a pathetic tearful wreck. You're awesome.

GGM, I am a different person . I am Elsie Tanner . According to Wikipedia I am a "strong-willed woman of the world with a love life cratered with disappointment". Oh yes, that's me alright . F**k 'em all. Elsie would have said that too, if tv hadn't been so tame 30 years ago, I bet.

and happy, Elsie Tanner has NO time for smug marrieds...

Good luck Starting for tomorrow . I will be crossing my fingers for you and everything else.

Glad to hear your smug married comments. Don't get me wrong, I love loads of my friends. But just sometimes I sit through conversations and think wtf if only they knew. For example, "I would never leave my dc to" ....... - well you try being a lone parent with no family locally, and a DS with loads of problems, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do sorry, I don't have the luxury.... rant over...

Off to read the Riven stuff Tea, worried about what it's going to say....

Blimey I read it, incredible. The power of mumsnet.

She's one of the main stories on BBC Breakfast as well in the Guardian Newspaper today. Hopefully this will help her and many others get the support they need.

Starting good luck with today

Amazing that Riven is such big news but obviously very well deserved for her and all those in her position. Hope it gets some positive action.

Well, my upbeat mood of the last few days has deserted me today. Feel like I want to wake up and find it's all a dream. So tired of having to deal with the day to day crap. XP has given me absolutely NO indication of what he's looking for in a financial settlement. Tired of having to worry what the future holds. Tired of juggling things while he lives the bachelor life rent free at his parents. I never signed up for this. It would be easier if he had died. Maybe it's because he emailed me last night and I know I have to reply today. He wants to watch the football with ds at the weekend. He doesn't want to do his washing, help him with his homework or make his packed lunch. He doesn't want to shampoo the carpets, take the bins out, do the shopping or change the sheets. He just wants to park his arse in front of the telly and watch the football with his "mate" and then treat him to a MacDonalds. Pity he left the xbox here or they could play that after . And you know, when I think about, that is just what it was like when he was at home anyway.

Ah, good to get that off my chest .

Hi everyone

Elsie sorry you are fed up and I can see why. I presume then that no formal access is in place and xp just phones to arrange to see ds as and when ? I know the financial stuff takes a while to sort but can you not get something in place on a regular routine for when he has access to ds?

Well I am not feeling too upbeat either. I am so lethargic and unmotivated atm and have been trying to think why. Talking to Dumpling cousin last night she was saying divorce and moving house are 2 big stresses and I should go easy on myself.

I think that is true but also that I have hit a bit of a wall with constantly being strong, being positive and keeping it together. The last 18 months have been fight to keep H, keep strong he might be coming back,keep strong he isnt coming back,keep strong hes with someone else, keep strong your dc are now 50% part of another family, keep strong you have to leave your home and just at the present time I am exhausted with it.

I just went for a run to try and clear my head and fortunately I am not at any level wishing he hadnt left or that we were still married. Speaking to him again more fully in the past week or so has been a salutary reminder of what I do not miss. I suppose I feel like I would like to be in a position where life felt a bit more simple , where you wake up in the morning and your mind is empty instead of racing with whatever issues I have had at the different stages.

I know I must be patient and just as everyone who told me it would get easier emotionally was right I know that once I have moved and settled down etc life will be much better . I think about my bf and get cross with myself because clearly all my "problems" are solvable.

Maybe after the high of December and the soaring feelings of happiness that I feel so much more recovered there was bound to be a bit of come down !

Anyway how is everyone today ?

Missing your long posts and words of wisdom googoo, well done for detaching from exbf !

Sorry you are low Happy , maybe its catching ! I hope you and Mman are ok , maybe a bit of space is needed ?

Waves to everyone and once again lets hope for lots of smiling emoticons from Starting later on

Morning all

Sorry you are feeling down Elsie, I think you will perk back up soon though, these XH's are sent to try us and agree that detachment, some form of ordered access is best. When BR left he left access very fluid, then realised it didn't work (i.e. rang up crossly one day saying "I'm not getting to see my children") at which point I reminded him that picking set times he saw them was probably best for everyone. And that did work - mostly!

Serenity a little restored after wine last night and short chat with mman which made me think that maybe I will get a friend back. But then all seeming like occupying too much of my brain so not sure it's healthy really .

Still sending positive thoughts to Starting!

Up down up down up down today.

Good news on the deed think it will be signed monday at latest - up

Offer on our house which is acceptable but they want everything left behind and stupidly I feel like they are buying my life and now its all real - down

Waves to all, only quickly getting a chance to update you all. Well he refused to settle & kept pushing me to improve my offer. I held firm & wouldn't budge so had to go to trial. It's hard to explain here in detail but I am v happy with the outcome. Judge had a v good read on situation & I by far got the better outcome. Only real wobbler was that xh said he'd been refused access & wanted access reinstated immediately . I had to take stand but held my ground both against the attack & lies from his side & the judge who kept pushing me to agree to some access. I held firm & told him I'd be happy to allow access if he or the court would guarantee the safety of my kids Constitutionally he's entitled to access so in the end 4 hrs sun aft was agreed & it will be monitored by family therapist. We will be back in court in 6mts to see how it's progressed. Judge also put xh in stand & had firm chat with him about playing ball with access. Was insane initally over access & told solicitor I'm not handing over dc's on Sun, that court can hardly jail me, that I'm not picking up pieces with dc's again or puting them at risk. I've now calmed down & agreed to work with family therapist & allow him to see them in public places for now but won't allow them in car with xh. Will just have to trust in process & try to work access again with dc's.

All in all good day for Starting & I am now at long last legally separated

Does that mean white goods or what getting,all I know is I don't have very much that I brought here,big items of furniture one rug that's it.its the vine of where I was moving to that really mattered in the end .packing up lots of crap for daddy's playroom,every cloud has a silver lining.
I know its not any consolation getting,but I couldn't see anything positive about moving house til I moved.hang in there and try and digdeep to see the bigger picture.
Elsie only way I can do it is to concentrate on me ,not the kids ,not X ,nobody but me.I can cope with the headfuck bits be if I am grounded and work on me ,but I am forcing myself this week to stay in this pattern.I am going to get myself back in a healthy pattern.I want to study a bit more again,I was doing a crystal course and not looked at it for so long ,just need to fill my brain with anything but my X .So giving myself 6 WKS.of new thinking to get out my rut.just focussed on X again and not done that for so long.hopefully this sees me walking away from my doom again.just need to remember its all about me ,got 3 pieces of rose quartz in my pocket so anything could happen LOL x

Great news Starting I am pleased for you

Patience that sounds like a good plan and historically when you refer to your crystals you are in a good place so let them work their magic

Have got a grip dont know quite what happened earlier - sudden attack of floods of tears . Just need to accept with so much in the balance I will be a bit vulnerable as I am not a "Whatever" type ! Nothing more serious than that.

Just posted that and off on the school run ,so missed UR post,first day kids back and getting out def helped today.
Starting sounds good,glad ur judge wasn't an eejit.one in the room is enough.hope ur dealing with dad of the year ,the. sequal .I'm trying to roll with myself so sending u rolling vibes x
Getting i meant hope new house has a good vibe but vines are good too.

Great news Starting I am pleased for you

Patience that sounds like a good plan and historically when you refer to your crystals you are in a good place so let them work their magic

Have got a grip dont know quite what happened earlier - sudden attack of floods of tears . Just need to accept with so much in the balance I will be a bit vulnerable as I am not a "Whatever" type ! Nothing more serious than that.

Yay Starting, good news on the financials hopefully then anyway. Access, hmm, well, maybe in the based upon past histroy, he won't get far with that.

Getting, hmm, mixed then. I know once you get your head round it it will be fine.

Patience, crystals sound good. What's happening on the candle front?

Starting - great dumpling news!

Getting - don't know why anybody would even want the entire contents of someone else's house. How strange . But also rather flattering .

Happy, I have tried to get regular access agreed but he still hasn't got his own place so it's very hit and miss. Mostly miss. I do agree that a glass or two of wine helps.

Patience, the crystals are working. You sound much more positive than a couple of days ago. Think it's 2 steps back and 3 steps forward for all of us. Just a pity that the road seems like 1000 steps long.

Well I replied to xp's email. Very formal, very factual content but I started with "Hi XP" and and ended with "Hope you are ok. Elsie" so that he can't accuse me of having my arse in my hands. Do you think that was ok?

Re tears getting,I think we have to trust ourselves that its just a pressure valve and we have learnt to feel our emotions not repress them ,we know we cant avoid them ,but its a real spanner in the works ,just thought I was past the big crashes January has been 2 black 4 me.just keep chanting this too shall pass,but this week was bloody hard work.

Elsie what do you mean "having my arse in my hands" clearly a Brum thing ! Whatever it means if you can be polite its for the best. Funny last week I signed my name on an email and so he does too after 7 months of no such niceties !

Patience you hit the nail on the head it acted like a pressure release and I feel a bit spent now but serene again.

Oh and just to clarify the stuff they want from house doesnt include furniture I just got caught up in melodrama of it all . Still only 2 of those emoticons because it is shit bargaining away on your family home of a decade when you would rather be staying !

Yes elsie ,I agree this road is just one long computer game,lots of bleeping and game overs and the boys seem to be better at zoning out emotionally when they play.