Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.1

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

I'm just grieving my marriage,admitting that I still love my husband ,just want to be a family ,know that its wrong ,hate myself for it,frightened I will always be trapped in this cycle with him and can't let go and escape.wondering where all my self esteem and positivity has gone ,why can't I just stop seeing him as my husband and all the things that go with it.surrounded by this blackness of negativity feels like he just walked out.why is my head still giving me hope ,feel like I'm going mad .

Just think 3 yrs is more like the time scale for healing ,no quick fix ,just have to cling to the fact he is never going to respect me or make me happy.

Thing is I would never choose to have someone like that near my kids.can't believe this mess is my life.just need to dry my eyes and get on with it again.

Just so ashamed of myself for feeling this way .ashamed that I can't be passive and let the kids have a relationship with their dad without me getting involved emotionally .just makes me out to be the unstable dumped female again ,why do i play that role so well? Everyone else can keep it together why can't I .why do my eyes still see my husband,why can't I just move on.

Patience, you will move on. This is just a temporary step backwards & we've all done that. If I had the choice I would have wanted my marriage to work too, you've nothing to be ashamed of.

Thankyou

Patience this is a difficult phase but you will come through , we cant just shrug off all those years and our shared dc and the future we thought was ahead of us. In the last year you have had to give up so much as well as your marriage - job, horse, beloved country home . In addition you have the never ending turbulence of is he going to see or pay for the dc which doesnt help in feeling secure and grounded. Maybe it isnt so much you still love him but that you dont love this situation and being back married etc would mean a return to a kind of security albeit a skewed one iyswim . Sending you hugs x

Starting I am sure things with Norm will be fine - maybe you just forgot how up and down blooming relationships are !!!

That's the thing getting I know all the answers I was single a long time b 4 x ,I enjoyed my life Lived alone,I just don't know why I am so affected by him ,tbh I think its being frozen out by him that hurts me but if he wasn't like that I would still have hope .just scared I cant move on without being bitter.

Patience, I feel for you so much. I had my first session with a Relate counsellor today. Much of what you have talked of were issues that I want to deal with. Namely, why did I allow myself tp get so involved with such a selfish, deceitful, callous and cruel individual. And more particularly, why does a part of me still want him back when I know he is a thoroughly bad person. My counsellor pointed out that I was spending too much time thinking about XP and that the only person this affects is me. It has no effect on him whatsoever.

I spoke to my good friend afterwards and she said: Elsie, you are allowing him to live rent free in your brain. And I'm left thinking, how bloody dare he!

I agree with Starting. This is just a blip. It's just one of those shit days that we all have, married or not, happy or not. Given what we're all going through I think we're all entitled to feel like this from time to time. I always think it's the painful bits that push you a little further forward.

Thankyou , I think the more stable he becomes the more I see the guy I fell in love with,I just feel hopeless because I know he isn't worthy of me ,he once bought me gold boxing gloves as a gift as a dv apology wtf .I had dumped him then .I didn't accept the gift.just easier to have indifference to a sad drunk loser I guess .
Will look forward to some more counselling tips

Elsie glad the counselling has begun and lol@ him squatting in your brain !

Indifference is what I strive for. I would pay good money to feel totally indifferent to XP.

Afternoon all

I seem to have problems posting too

Elsie, Starting, Patience - hope you are all starting to feel a bit better

I crashed yesterday also and was told today in the office that yesterday was officially the most depressing day of the year

Well that explains it then . All part of the journey I guess

This evening I will take DS out to a restaurant (if he will go).

Planning a bring some wine and paint a plate session in a local ceramics studio for healing purposes

I am awaiting counselling tips too

Nods to most depressing day of the year ,bought ten fags today,going for bottle of irn bru,only survival technique I know.sat in ikea eating cake drinking coffee ,dropped kids at creche .still no heating or hot water

Hi, Getting and Happy
I'm on a mission to detach and so far it's working. No significant contact with xp for over a week. He has bought ds a phone but the novelty has worn off already. He tends to read a text and shrug it off. More interested in the xbox.
No contact is the way to go, most definitely.
By the way, I think Getting asked me about XP having a drink problem. I don't know how you would define it as a problem. He could go for a day or two without alcohol but only if he absolutely had no choice. I would guess he drinks about 3-6 pints of strong lager every day. Is that a dependency?
(and no, I don't look like Elsie Tanner, more like Deidre Barlow, I'm afraid ).

Happy, I hope you have a nice meal with your ds.

Ok seriously need to get a grip,feel like doing the whole toddler round the ankles bit when I see him.meant to be putting up a trampoline for the kids at the weekend with him,it will b the longest we have spent together in a long time ,hopefully I will have turned a corner by then .thinking I'm looking at spring 2012 getting x

No you arent, if you did but know it you are still on track for spring 2011 Patience.

Sorry you are below par Happy most unlike you and given whats been thrown at you these last months thats saying something. Paint a wig on your plate and throw it at the saints head

Elsie indifference is on its way to you wrapped in a bow

Patience, I'm thinking you need to get someone else to help with the trampoline. Or could he do it with one of his mates while you take the kids out?

Starting, I think you're really brave to embark on a relationship. For the first time since I was about 16 I actually want to be single. Part of that is because I don't want to meet anyone else while I am so vulnerable. I need to let this wound heal first. But I hope it works out with Norm IF you really want it to.

Thats where I am elsie ,I need to get rid of this wanker from my head b4 I let a anyone else in.i know I have a better iife ahead. Just lost my way a bit.he has no friends to help him re trampoline ,just got to get on with it have waited 3 mths for the bloody thing to move house .kids love it.

I am always stronger when I don't see him,don't talk to him ,I can handle all of that just struggling with the whole co parenting bit.It will settle down I know it will I just hate the person I become when I act like the dumped X .its like I'm possessed by an evil energy ,say things I don't mean ,just a nasty bitch.then I feel like shit.I really had got a.grip just a huge fucking relapse ,

Aaaaargh

It's knowing that he can still trigger me that makes me hate myself,he moved on years ago and Im just acting like this vulnerable softie that's still crying about what happened to me .

Waves to all.

Happy, think Getting gave you a great idea about the plate

Getting, no word from Norm so not sure about it all being ok

Happy, I knew yesterday was meant to be the most depressing day of the year but think I'm having delayed reaction today

ET, I agree 100% about healing wound before moving on etc unfortunately I thought I had healed old wound (and prob had) but it doesn't make it any easier when it all goes belly up

Patience, glad to see your spirit returning. Do a bit of visualisation work when you're putting up trampoline with xh! I too have been SO SO tempted to smoke today, am only hanging on by a thread & have to go out in a min to collect dd from dancing so will hopefully manage to resist temptation.

Well am wondering do I need to crawl back with my depression in hand to other thread

Oh & just to top it all off I'm back in court with xh tomorrow

Patience, maybe you should try to accept that he's not a great parent. I, too, am extremely disappointed in xp's capabilities as a father. That is in the most hurtful part of it all. But we can't change them. It's easier to expect nothing then there won't be any disappointment. Some people simply shouldn't be parents.

Hi all

Defo agree that no contact helps

Patience, if you possibly can I would avoid the trampoline.

Starting, urgh, court too, no wonder you feel crap, have 7 candles burning for you here. Have feeling that Norm is crapping himself trying to work it what to do. Its at times like this that we actually need a tame male on thread to provide insight into the male psyche.